DUKE 

UNIVERSITY 

LIBRARY 


Treasure  %oom 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


i 


MODERN  CHIVALRY: 

CONTAINING  THE 

ADVENTURES  OF  A  CAPTAIN, 

AND 

TEAGUE  O'REGAN, 

HIS  SERVANT. 
BY  H.  H.  BRACKENRIDGE. 


qiJID  VETAT  RIDEtJTEM    DICERE  VERUM HOR. 


VOLUME  I. 


PUBLISHED  BY 

J.  CONRAD  &  CO.  NO.  o(i,  CHESNUT-STREET,  PHILADEL- 
PHIA; M.  AND  J  CONRAD  &  CO.  NO  138,  MARKET- 
STREET,  BALTIMORE;  RAPIN,  CONRAD  &  CO.  WASH- 
INGTON CITY;  SOMERVELL&CONUAD,  PETERSBURG; 
AND  BONSAL,  CONRAD  &  CO.   NORFOLK, 

S.  H.  M'FETRICH,  PRINTER. 
1804. 


COPY-RIGHT  SECURED. 


INTRODUCTION. 


IT  has  been  a  question  for  some  time  past, 
•what  would  be  the  best  means  to  fix  the  English  lan- 
guage. Some  have  thought  of  Dictionaries ;  others 
of  Institutes,  for  that  purpose.  Swift,  I  think  it  was, 
who  proposed,  in  bis  letters  to  the  Earl  of  Oxford, 
the  forming  an  academy  of  learned  men,  in  order 
by  their  observations  and  rules,  to  settle  the  true 
spelling,  accentuation,  and  pronunciation,  as  well  as 
the  proper  words,  and  the  purest,  most  simple,  and 
perfect  phraseology  of  language.  It  has  always  ap- 
peared to  me,  that  if  some  great  master  of  stile 
should  arise,  and  without  regarding  sentiment,  or 
subject,  give  an  example  of  good  language  in  his' 
composition,  which  might  serve  as  a  model  to  fu- 
ture speakers  and  writers,  it  would  do  more  to  fix 
the  orthography,  choice  of  word,  idiom  of  phrase, 
and  structure  of  sentence,  than  all  the  Dictionaries 
and  Institutes  that  have  been  ever  made.  For  cer- 
tainly, it  is  much  more  conducive  to  this  end,  to 
place  before  the  eyes  what  is  good  writing,  than  to 
suggest  it  to  the  ear,  which  may  forget  in  a  short 
time  ail  that  has  been  said. 

It  is  for  this  reason,  that  I  have  undertaken  this 
work  ;  and  that  it  may  attain  the  end  the  more  per- 
fectly, 1  shall  consider  language  only,  not  in  the 
least  regarding  the  matter  of  the  work  j  but,  as  mu* 

VOL.  I.  B 


iv  INTRODUCTION. 

sicians,  when  they  are  about  to  give  the  most  excel- 
lent melody,  pay  no  attention  to  the  words  that  are 
set  to  music;  but  take  the  most  unmeaning  phrases, 
such  as  sol,  fa,  la;  so  here,  culling  out  the  choicest 
flowers  of  diction,  I  shall  pay  no  regard  to  the  idea  ; 
for  it  is  not  in  the  power  of  human  ingenuity  to  at- 
tain two  things  perfectly  at  once.  Thus  we  see, 
that  they  mistake  greatly,  who  think  to  have  a  clock 
that  can  at  once  tell  the  hour  of  the  day,  the  age  of 
the  moon,  and  the  day  of  the  week,  month,  or  year  ; 
because  the  complexness  of  the  machine  hinders 
that  perfection  which  the  simplicity  of  the  works 
and  movements  can  alone  give.  For  it  is  not  in  na- 
ture to  have  all  things  in  one.  If  you  are  about  to 
chuse  a  wife,  and  expect  beauty,  you  must  give  up 
family  and  fortune;  or  if  you  attain  these,  you  must 
at  least  want  good  temper,  health,  or  some  other  ad- 
vantage :  so  to  expect  good  language  and  good 
sense,  at  the  same  time,  is  absurd,  and  not  in  the 
compass  of  common  nature  to  produce.  Attempt- 
ing only  one  thing,  therefore,  we  may  entertain  the 
idea  of  hitting  the  point  of  perfection.  It  has  been 
owing  to  an  inattention  to  this  principle,  that  so  ma- 
ny fail  in  their  attempts  at  good  writing.  A  Jack  of 
all  Trades,  is  proverbial  of  a  bungler  ;  and  we 
scarcely  ever  find  any  one  who  excels  in  two  parts 
of  the  same  art  ;  much  less  in  two  arts  at  the  same 
time.  The  smooth  poet  wants  strength  ;  and  the 
orator  of  a  good  voice,  is  destitute  of  logical  reason 
and  argument.  How  many  have  I  heard  speak, 
who,  were  they  to  attempt  voice  only,  might  be  res- 
pectable ;  but  undertaking  at  the  same  time,  to  cai'- 
ry  sense  along  with  them,  they  utterly  fail,  and  be- 
come contemptible.  One  thing  at  once  is  the  best 
maxim  that  ever  came  into  the  mind  of  man.  This 
might  be  illustrated  by  a  thousand  examples ;  but  I 


INTRODUCTION.  v 

shall  not  trouble  myself  with  any  ;  as  it  is  not  so 
much  my  object  to  convince  others  as  to  shew  the 
motives  by  which  I  myself  am  governed.  Indeed 
I  could  give  authority  Avhich  is  superior  to  all  exam- 
ples; viz.  that  of  the  poet  Horace  ;  who,  speaking 
on  this  very  subject  of  excellence  in  writing,  says, 
Quid-uis^  that  is,  whatever  you  compose,  let  it  be 
simpMjc  dimtaxit  ^  unum  :  that  is,  simple,  and  one 
thing  only. 

It  will  be  needless  for  me  to  say  any  thing  about 
the  Critics  ;  for  as  this  wor  :  is  intended  as  a  model 
or  rule  of  good  w^riting,  it  cannot  be  the  subject  of 
criticism.  It  is  true,  Homer  has  been  criticised  by 
a  Zoilus  and  an  Aristotle;  but  the  one  contented 
himself  with  pointing  out  defects  ;  the  other-  beau- 
ties. But  Zoilus  has  been  censured,  Aristotle  prais- 
ed ;  because  in  a  model  there  can  be  no  defect; 
error  consisting  in  a  deviation  from  the  truth,  and 
faults,  in  an  aberration  from  the  original  of  beauty  ; 
so  that  where  there  are  no  faults  there  can  be  no 
food  for  criticism,  taven  in  the  unfavourable  sense 
of  finding  fault  w  ith  the  productions  of  an  author. 
I  have  no  objections,  therefore,  to  any  praise  that 
may  be  given  to  this  wor:> ;  but  to  censure  or  blame 
must  appear  absurd  ;  because  it  cannot  be  doubted 
but  that  it  will  perfectly  answer  the  end  nroposed. 

Being  a  book  without  thought,  or  the  smallest  de- 
gree of  sense,  it  will  be  usefiil  to  young  minds,  not 
fatiguing  their  understandings,  and  easily  introdu- 
cing a  love  of  reading  and  study.  Acquiring  lan- 
guage at  first  by  this  means,  they  will  aftenvards 
gain  knowledge.  It  will  be  useful,  especially  to 
young  men  of  light  minds,  intended  for  the  bar  or 
pulpit.  By  heaping  too  much  upon  them,  stile  and 
matter  at  once,  you  surfeit  the  stomach,  and  turn 
away   the  appetite  from  literary   entertainment,  to 


vi  INTRODUCTION. 

horse-racing  and  cock-fighting.  I  shall  consideV 
myself,  therefore,  as  having  performed  an  accepta- 
ble service  to  all  weak  and  visionary  people,  if  I 
can  give  them  something  to  read  without  the  trouble 
of  thinking.  But  these  are  collateral  advantages  of 
my  work,  the  great  object  of  which  is,  as  Ihave 
said  before,  to  give  a  model  of  perfect  stile  in  wri- 
ting. If  hereafter  any  author  of  super-eminent  abi- 
lities, should  chuse  to  give  this  stile  a  body,  and 
make  it  the  covering  to  some  work  of  sense,  as  you 
would  wrap  fine  silk  round  a  beautiful  form,  so  that- 
there  may  be,  not  only  vestment,  but  life  in  the  ob- 
ject, I  have  no  objections  ;  but  shall  be  rather  sa- 
tisfied with  having  it  put  to  so  good  a  use. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  i. 


THE  Captain  was  a  man  of  about  forty-five 
years  of  age,  of  good  natural  sense,  and  considera- 
ble reading;  but  in  some  things  whimsical,  owing 
perhaps  to  his  greater  knowledge  of  boo'-s  than  of 
the  world ;  but,  in  some  degree,  also,  to  his  hiiving 
never  married,  being-  what  they  call  an  old  batche- 
lor,  a  characteristic  of  which  is,  usually,  singularity 
and  whim.  He  had  the  advantage  of  having  had  in 
early  life,  an  academic  education ;  but  having  never 
applied  himself  to  any  of  the  learned  professions,  he 
had  lived  the  greater  part  of  his  life  on  a  small  farm, 
which  he  cultivated  with  servants  or  hired  hands,  as 
he  could  conveniently  supply  himself  with  either. 
The  servant  that  he  had  at  this  time,  was  an  Irish- 
man, whose  name  was  Teague  Oregan.  I  shall  say 
nothing  of  the  character  of  this  man,  because  the 
very  name  imports  what  he  was. 

A  strange  idea  came  into  the  head  of  the  Captain 
about  this  time ;  for,  by  the  bye,  I  had  forgot  to  men- 
tion that  having  been  chosen  captain  of  a  company 
of  militia  in  the  neighbourhood,  he  had  gone  by  the 
name  of  Captain  ever  since ;  for  the  rule  is,  once  a 
captain,  and  always  a  captain ;  but,  as  I  was  observ- 
ing;, the  idea  had  come  into  his  head,  to  saddle  an 
B  2 


2  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

old  horse  that  he  had,  and  ride  about  the  world  a 
little,  with  his  man  Teague  at  his  heels,  to  see  how 
things  were  going  on  here  and  there,  and  to  observe 
human,  nature.  For  it  is  a  mistake  to  suppose,  that 
a  man  cannot  learn  man  by  reading  him  in  a  corner, 
as  well  as  on  the  widest  space  of  transaction.  At 
any  rate,  it  may  yield  amusement. 

It  was  about  a  score  of  miles  from  his  o^vn  house, 
that  he  fell  in  with  what  we  call  Races.  The  jockeys 
seeing  him  advance,  with  Teague  by  his  side,  whom 
they  took  for  his  groom,  conceived  him  to  be  some 
person  who  had  brought  his  horse  to  enter  for  the 
purse.  Coming  up  and  accosting  him,  said  they, 
You  seem  to  be  for  the  races.  Sir ;  and  have  a  horse 
to  enter.  Not  at  all,  said  the  Captain;  this  is  but  a 
common  palfrey,  and  by  no  means  remarkable  for 
speed  or  bottom;  he  is  a  common  plough  horse 
which  I  have  used  on  my  farm  for  several  yeai's,  and 
can  scarce  go  beyond  a  trot ;  much  less  match  him- 
self with  your  blooded  horses  that  are  going  to  take 
the  field  on  this  occasion. 

The  jockeys  were  of  opinion,  from  the  speech, 
that  the  horse  was  what  they  call  a  bite^  and  that 
under  the  appearance  of  leanness  and  stiffness,  there 
was  concealed  some  hidden  quality  of  swiftness  un- 
common. For  they  had  heard  of  instances,  where 
the  most  knowing  had  been  taken  in  by  mean  look- 
ing horses ;  so  that  having  laid  two,  or  more,  to  one, 
they  were  nevertheless  bit  by  the  bet;  and  the  mean 
looking  nags,  proved  to  be  horses  of  a  more  than 
common  speed  and  bottom.  So  that  there  is  no 
trusting  appearances.  Such  was  the  reasoning  of 
the  jockeys.  For  they  could  have  no  idea,  that  a 
man  could  come  there  in  so  singular  a  manner,  with 
a  groom  at  his  foot,  unless  he  had  some  great  object 
of  making  money  by  the  adventure.    Under  this 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  3 

idea,  they  began  to  interrogate  him  with  respect  to 
the  blood  and  pedigree  of  his  horse:  whether  he  was 
of  the  Dove,  or  the  Bay  mare  that  took  the  purse ; 
and  was  imported  by  such  a  one  at  such  a  time?  whe- 
ther his  sire  was  Tamerlane  or  Bajazet? 

The  Captain  was  irritated  at  the  questions,  and 
could  not  avoid  answering. ....Gentlemen,  said  he,  it 
is  a  strange  thing  that  you  should  suppose  that  it  is 
of  any  consequence  what  may  be  the  pedigree  of  a 
horse.  For  even  in  men  it  is  of  no  avail.  Do  we 
not  find  that  sages  have  had  blockheads  for  their 
sons;  and  that  blockheads  have  had  sages?  It  is  re- 
markable, that  as  estates  have  seldom  lasted  three 
generations,  so  understanding  and  ability  have  sel- 
dom been  transmitted  to  the  second.  There  never 
was  a  greater  man,  take  him  as  an  orator  and  philo- 
sopher, than  Cicero :  and  never  was  there  a  person 
who  had  greater  opportunities  than  his  son  Marcus ; 

and  yet  he  proved  of  no  account  or  reputation 

This  is  an  old  instance,  but  there  are  a  thousand 
others.  Chesterfield  and  his  son  are  mentioned.  It 
is  true,  Philip  and  Alexander  may  be  said  to  be  ex- 
ceptions: Philip  of  the  strongest  possible  mind;  ca- 
pable of  almost  every  thing  we  can  conceive ;  the 
deepest  policy  and  the  most  determined  valour;  his 
son  Alexander  not  deficient  in  the  first-  and  before 
him  in  the  last ;  if  it  is  possible  to  be  before  a  man  than 
whom  you  can  suppose  nothing  greater.  Itis  possible, 
in  modern  times,  that  Tippo  Saib  may  be  equal  to  his 
father  Hyder  Ali.  Some  talk  of  the  two  Pitts.  I  have 
no  idea  that  the  son  is,  in  any  respect,  equal  to  old  Sir 
William.  The  one  is  a  laboured  artificial  minister:  the 
other  spo'e  with  the  thunder,  and  acted  with  light- 
ning of  the  gods.  I  will  venture  to  say,  that  when 
the  present  John  Adams,  and  Lee,  and  Jefferson,  and 
Jay,  and  Henry,  and  other  great  men,  who  appear 


4  MODERN  CHIVALRT. 

upon  the  stage  at  this  time,  have  gone  to  sleep  with 
their  fathers,  it  is  an  hundred  to  one  if  there  is  any 
of  their  descendants  who  can  fill  their  places.  Was 
I  to  lay  a  bet  for  a  great  man,  I  would  sooner  pick 
up  the  brat  of  a  tinVer,  than  go  into  the  great  houses 
to  chuse  a  piece  of  stuff  for  a  man  of  genius.  Even 
with  respect  to  personal  appearance  which  is  more 
in  the  power  of  natural  production  we  do  not  see 
that  beauty  always  produces  beauty ;  but  on  the  con- 
trary, the  homliest  persons  have  oftentimes  the  best 
favoured  offspring ;  so  that  there  is  no  rule  or  reason 
in  these  things.  With  respect  to  this  horse,  there- 
fore, it  can  be  of  no  moment  whether  he  is  blooded  or 
studed,  or  what  he  is.  He  is  a  good  old  horse,  used 
to  the  plough,  and  carries  my  weight  very  well ;  and 
I  have  never  yet  made  enquiry  with  respect  to  his 
ancestor,  or  affronted  him  so  much  as  to  cast  up  to 
him  the  defect  of  parentage.  I  bought  him  some  years 
ago  from  Neil  Thomas,  who  had  him  from  a  colt. 
As  far  as  I  can  understand,  he  was  of  a  brown  mare 
thaf  John  M'Neis  had  ;  but  of  what  horse  I  know  no 
more  than  the  horse  himself.  His  gaits  are  good 
enough,  as  to  riding  a  short  journey  of  seven  or  eight 
miles;  but  he  is  rather  a  pacer  than  a  trotter;  and 
though  his  bottom  may  be  good  enough  in  carrying 
a  bag  to  the  mill,  or  going  in  the  plough,  or  the  sled, 
or  the  harrow,  &c.  yet  his  wind  is  not  so  good,  nor 
his  speed,  as  to  be  fit  for  the  heats. 

The  jockeys  thought  the  man  a  fool,  and  gave 
themselves  no  more  trouble  about  him. 

The  horses  were  now  entered,  and  about  to  start 
for  the  purse.  There  was  Black  and  All-Black,  and 
Snip,  John  Duncan's  Barbary  Slim,  and  several 
others.  The  riders  had  been  weighed,  and  when 
mounted,  the  word  was  given.  It  is  needless  to 
describe  a  race ;  every  body  knows  the  circumstances 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  5 

of  it.  It  is  sufficient  to  say,  that  from  the  bets  that 
were  laid,  there  was  much  anxiety,  and  some  pas- 
sion in  the  minds,  of  those  concerned:  So,  that  as 
two  of  the  horses,  Black  and  All-Black,  and'  Slim, 
came  out  near  together ;  there  was  dispute  and  con- 
fusion. It  came  to  kircking  and  cuffing  in  .  some 
places.  The  Captain  was  a  good  deal  hurt  with  such 
indecency  amongst  gentlemen,  and  advancihg,  ad- 
dressed them  in  the  following  manner  :  Gentlemen, 
this  is  an  unequal  and  unfair  proceeding.  It  is  un- 
becoming modern  manners,  or  even,  the  ancient. 
For  at  the  Olympic  games  of  GreeGe,^'where  were 
celebrated  horse  and  chariot  races  there  was  no  such 
hurry  scurry  as  this  ;  and  in  times  of  chivalry  itself, 
where  men  ate-  drank,  and  slept  on  horseback-  though 
there  was  a  great  deal  of  pell-melling,  yet  no  such 
disorderly  work  as  this.  If  men  had  a  difference, 
they  couched  their  lances,  and  ran  full  tilt  at  one 
another  ;  hut  no  such  indecent  expressions,  as  vil- 
lain, scoundreh  liar,  ever  came  out  of  their  niouths. 
There  was  the  most  perfect  courtesy  in  those  days 
of  heroism  and  honour  ;  and  this  your  horse-racing, 
which  is.  a  germ  of  the  amusement  of  those  times, 
ought  to  be  conducted  on  the  same  principles  of 
decorum,  and  good  breeding. 

x\s  he  was  speaking,  he  was  jostled  by  some  one 
in  the  croud,  and  thrown  from  his  horse  ;  and  had 
it  not  been  for  Teague,  who  was  at  hand,  and  help- 
ed him  on  again  he  would  have  suffered  damage. 
As  it  vvas,  he  received  a  contusion  in  his  head,  of 
which  he  complained  much;  and  having  left  the  race^ 
ground,  and  coming  to  a  small  cottage,  he  stopped  a 
little,  to  alight  and  dress  the  wound.  An  old  woman 
who  was  there,  thought  they  ought  to  take  a  little  of 
his  water,  and  see  how  it  was  with  him;  but  the 
Captain  having  no  faith  in  telling  disorders  by  the 


6  »10DERN  CHIVALRY. 

urine,  thought  proper  to  send  for  a  surgeon  who  was 
hard  by,  to  examine  the  bruise,  and  apply  bandages. 
The  surgeon  attended,  and  examining  the  part,  pro- 
nounced it  a  contusion  of  the  cerebi^um.  But  as 
there  appeared  but  httle  laceration,  and  no  fracture, , 
simple  or  compound,  the  pia  mater  could  not  be  in- 
jured ;  nor  even  could  there  be  more  than  a  slight 
impression  on  the  dura  mater.  So  that  trepaning 
did  not  at  all  appear  necessary.  A  most  fortunate 
circumstance  ;  for  a  v/ound  in  the  head,  is  of  all 
places  the  most  dangerous  ;  because  there  can  be 
no  amputation  to  save  life.  There  being  but  one 
head  to  a  man,   and  that  being   the   residence  of 

the  five  senses,  it  is  impossible  to  live  without  it 

Nevertheless,  as  the  present  cp.se  was  highly  dan- 
gerous, as  it  might  lead  to  a  subsultus  tendinum.  or  , 
lock-jaw.  it  was  necessary  to  apply  cataplasms,  in 
order  to  reduce  inflammation,  and  bring  about  a  sa- 
native disposition  of  th<i  parts.  Perhaps  it  might 
not  be  amiss,  to  take  an  anodyne  as  a  refrigerant.... 
Ma7iy  patients  had  been  lost  by  the  ignorance  of 
empirics  prescribing  bracers  ;  whereas,  in  the  first 
stage  of  a  contusion  relaxing  and  antifebrile  medi- 
cines are  proper.  A  little  piilebotomy  was  no  doubt 
necessary,  to  prevent  the  bursting  of  the  blood  ves* 
sels. 

The  Captain  hearing  so  many  hard  words  and 
bad  accounts  of  this  case  v.^as  much  alarmed.  Ne- 
vertheless he  did  not  think  it  could  be  absolutely  so 
danr^erous.  For  it  seemed  to  him  that  he  was  not 
sick  at  heart  or  under  any  mortal  pain.  The  sur- 
geon observed,  that  in  this  case  he  could  not  him- 
self be  a  judge.  For  the  very  part  was  affected  by 
which  he  was  to  judge,  viz.  the  head  ;  that  it  was  no 
uncommon  thing  for  men  in  the  extrem.est  cases  to 
imagine  themselves  out  of  danger ;  whereas  in  rt- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  r 

ality,  they  were  in  the  greatest  possible  ;  that  not- 
withstanding the  symptoms  were  mild,  yet  from  the 
contusion,  a  mortification  might  ensue.  Hypocra- 
tes,  who  might  be  stilcd  an  elementary  physician, 
and  has  a  treatise  on  this  very  subject,  is  of  opinion, 
that  the  most  dangerous  symptom  is  a  topical  insen- 
sibility; but  among  the  moderns,  Sydenham  consi- 
ders it  in  another  point  of  view,  and  thinks  that 
where  there  is  no  pain,  there  is  as  great  reason  to 
suppose  that  there  is  no  hurt,  as  that  there  is  a  mor- 
tal one.  Be  this  as  it  may,  antiseptic  medicines 
might  be  very  proper. 

The  Captain  hearing  so  much  jargon,  and  con- 
scious to  himself  that  he  was  by  no  means  in  so 
bad  a  state  as  this  son  of  Esculapius  w  ould  represent, 
broke  out  into  some  passion.  It  is,  said  he,  the 
craft  of  your  profession  to  make  the  case  w^orse  than 
it  is,  in  order  to  increase  the  perquisites.  But  if 
there  is  any  faith  in  you,  make  the  same  demand, 
and  let  me  know^  your  real  judgment.  The  surgeon 
was  irritated  with  his  distrust,  and  tool;  it  into  his 
head  to  fix  some  apprehension  in  the  mind  of  his 
patient,  if  possible,  that  his  case  was  not  without 
danger.  Lool  ing  stedfastly  at  him  for  some  time, 
and  feeling  his  pulse,  there  is.  said  he,  an  evident 
delirium  approaching.  This  argues  an  affection  of 
the  brain,  but  it  will  be  necessary,  after  some  sopo- 
riferous  draughts,  to  put  the  patient  to  sleep.  Said 
the  Captain,  If  you  will  give  me  about  a  pint  of 
whiskey  and  water,  I  will  try  to  go  to  sleep  myself. 
A  deleterious  mixture,  in  this  case  said  the  surgeon, 
cannot  be  proper;  especially  a  distillation  of  that 
quality.  The  Captain  would  hear  no  more;  but  re- 
questing the  man  of  the  cabin,  to  let  him  have  the 
spirits  proposed,  drank  a  pint  or  two  of  grog,  and 
having  bound  up  his  head  with  a  handkerchief,  went 
to  bed. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  II. 


CONTAINING  SOME  GENERAL  REFLECTIONS. 

THE  first  reflection  that  arises,  is,  the  good 
sense  of  the  Captain  ;  who  was  unwilling  to  impose 
his  horse  for  a  racer  ;  not  being  qualified  for  the 
course.  Because,  as  an  old  lean  beast,  attempting 
a  trot,  he  was  respectable  enough ;  but  going  out 
of  his  nature,  and  affecting  speed,  he  would  have 
been  contemptible.  The  great  secret  of  preserving 
respect,  is  the  cultivating  and  shewing  to  the  best 
advantage  the  powers  that  we  possess,  and  the  not 
going  beyond  them.  Every  thing  in  its  element  is 
good,  and  in  their  proper  sphere  all  natures  and  ca- 
pacities are  excellent.  This  thought  might  be  turn- 
ed into  a  thousand  different  shapes,  and  cloathed 
with  various  expressions  ;  but  after  all,  it  comes  to 
the  old  proverb  at  last,  A^e  sutor  ultra  crefiidam.  Let 
the  cobler  stick  to  his  last  ;  a  sentiment  we  are 
about  more  to  illustrate  in  the  sequel  to  this  work. 
The  second  reflection  that  arises,  is,  the  simplici- 
ty of  the  Captain,  who  was  so  unacquainted  with 
the  world,  as  to  imagine  that  jockeys  and  men  of 
the  turf  could  be  managed  by  reason  and  good  sense; 
whereas  there  are  no  people  who  are  by  education 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  f 

of  a  less  philosophic  turn  of  mind.  The  company 
of  horses  is  by  no  means  favourable  to  good  taste 
and  genius.  The  rubbing  and  currying  them,  but 
little  enlarges  the  faculties,  or  improves  the  mind  ; 
and  even  riding,  by  which  a  man  is  carried  swiftly 
through  the  air,  though  it  contributes  to  health,  yet 
stores  the  mind  with  few  or  no  ideas  ;  and  as  men 
natuf'^^'y  consimilate  with  their  company,  so  it  is 
^  .orvable  that  your  jockeys  are  a  class  of  people 
not  far  removed  from  the  sagacity  of  a  good  horse. 
Hence  most  probably  the  fable  of  the  centaur, 
among  the  ancients ;  by  which  they  held  out  the 
moral  of  the  jockey  and  the  horse  being  one  beast. 
A  third  reflection  is,  that  which  he  exprest,  viz. 
the  professional  art  of  the  surgeon  to  make  the  most 
of  the  case,  and  the  technical  terms  used  by  him, 
I  have  to  declare,  that  it  is  with  no  attempt  at  wit, 
that  the  terms  are  set  down,  or  the  art  of  the  sur- 
geon hinted  at ;  because  it  is  so  common  a  place 
thing  to  ridicule  the  peculiarities  of  a  profession,  or 
its  phraseologies,  that  it  favours  of  mean  parts  to 
indulge  it.  For  a  man  of  real  genius  will  never 
walk  in  the  beaten  path,  because  his  object  is  what 
is  new  and  uncommon.  This  surgoen  does  not  ap- 
pear to  have  been  a  man  of  very  great  ability  ;  but 
the  Captain  was  certainly  wrong  in  declining  his 
prescriptions  ;  for  the  maxim  is,  unicuique^  in  arte 
aua^  fierito^  credendum  est ;  every  one  is  to  be  trusted 
in  his  profession. 


VOL.  I, 


(&  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  in. 


THE  Captain  rising  early  nAt  morning,  and 
setting  out  on  his  way,  had  now  arrived  at  a  place 
where  a  number  of  people  were  convened,  for  the 
purpose  of  electing  persons  to  represent  them  in  the- 
legislature  of  the  state.  There  was  a  weaver  who- 
was  a  candidate  for  this  appointment,  and  seemed 
to  have  a  good  deal  of  interest  among  the  people. 
But  anotlier,  who  was  a  man  of  education,  was  his 
competitor.  Relying  on  some  talent  of  speaking 
which  he  thought  he  possessed,  he  addressed  the 
multitude. 

Fellow-citizens,  said    he,    I   pretend  not  to  any 
great  abilities;  but  am  conscious  to  myself  that  I 
have  the  best  good  will  to  serve  you.     But  it  is  very 
astonishing  to  me,  that  this  weaver  should  conceive 
himself  qualified  for  the  trust      For  though  my  ac- 
(juirements  are  not  great,  yet  his  are  still  less.     The 
mechanical  business  which  he  pursues,  must  neces- 
sarily ta.e  up  so  much  of  his  time,  that   he    cannot 
apply  himself  to  political  studies.     I  should  there-, 
fore    thinl'   it  would  be   more   answerable  to  your] 
dignity,  and  conducive  to  your  interest,  to  be  repre-l 
sented  by  a  man  at  least  of  some  letters,  than  by  anj 
illiterate  handicraftsman  like  this.     It  will  be  moi 
honourable  for  himself,  to   remain  at  his  loom  andl 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  11 

'knot  threads,  than  to  come  forward  in  a  legislative 
capacity  :  because,  in  the  one  case,  he  is  in  the 
sphere  suited  to  his  education;  in  the  other,  he  is 
like  a  iish  out  of  water,  and  must  struggle  for 
breath  in  a  new  element. 

Is  it  possible  he  can  understand  the  affairs  of  go- 
vernment, whose  mind  has  been  concentered  to  the 
small  object  of  weaving  webs;  to  the  price  by  the 
yard,  the  grist  of  the  thread,  and  such  lii-e  matters 
as  concern  tlie  manufacturer  of  cloths  ?  The  feet  of 
him  who  weaves,  are  m.ore  occupied  than  the  head, 
or  at  least  as  much  ;  and  the  Vvhole  inust  be,  at 
least,  but  in  half,  accustomed  to  exercise  his  mental 
powers.     For  these  reasons,    all   other   things    set 

•  aside,  the  chance  is  in  my  favour,  with  respect  to 
information.  However,  you  will  decide,  and  give 
your  suffrages  to  him  or. to  me,  as  you  shall  judge 

•  expedient. 

The  Captain  hearing  these  observations,  and  lool<-> 
ing  at  the  weaver,  could  not  help  advancing,  and  un- 
dertaking to  subjoin  something  in   support  of  what 
had  been  just  said.      Said  he,   I  have  no  prejudice 
against  a  weaver  more  than  another  man.     Nor  do 
rl  know  any  harm  in  the  trade  ;   save  that  from   the 
.-•sedentary  life   in  a    damp  place,   there  is  usually  a 
paleness  of  the  countenance  :  but  this  is  a  physical 
.not  amoral  evil.     Such  usually  occupy  subterranc- 
.  an  apartments  ;  not  for  the  purpose,   li  e  Demost- 
henes, of  shaving  their   heads,   and  writing  over 
eight  times  the  history  of  Thucydides,  and  perfect- 
ing a  stileof  oratory  ;  but  rather  to  keep  the  thread 
moist;    or  because  this  is    considered   but  as   an 
■Inglorious    sort  of  trade,  and  is; frequently  thrust 
away  into  cellars,  and  damp  out-houses,  which  iicc 
not  occupied  for  abetter  use. 


12  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

But  to  rise  from  the  cellar  to  the  senate  house, 
would  be  an  unnatural  hoist.  To  come  from  count- 
ing threads,  and  adjusting  them  to  the  splits  of  a 
reed,  to  regulate  the  finances  of  a  government, 
would  be  preposterous;  there  being  no  congru- 
ity  in  the  case.  There  is  no  analogy  between 
knotting  threads  and  framing  laws.  It  would  be 
a  reversion  of  the  order  of  things.  Not  that  a 
manufacturer  of  linen  or  woolen,  or  other  stuff,  is 
an  inferior  character,  but  a  different  one,  from  that 
which  ought  to  be  employed  in  affairs  of  state.  It 
is  unnecessary  to  enlarge  on  this  subject  4  for  you 
must  all  be  convinced  of  the  truth  and  propriety  of 
what  I  say.  But  if  you  will  give  me  leave  to  take 
the  manufacturer  aside  a  little,  I  think  I  can  ex- 
plain to  him  my  ideas  on  the  subject ;  and  very 
probably  prevail  with  him  to  withdraw  his  preten- 
sions. The  people  seeming  to  acquiesce,  and 
beckoning  to  the  weaver,  th6y  withdrew  aside,  and 
the  Captain  addressed  him  in  the  following  words: 

Mr.  Traddle,  said  he,  for  that  was  the  name  of 
the  manufacturer,  I  have  not  the  smallest  idea  of 
wounding  your  sensibility  ;  but  it  would  seem  to 
me,  it  would  be  more  your  interest  to  pursue  your 
occupation,  than  to  launch  out  into  that  of  which  you 
have  no  knowledge.  When  you  go  to  the  senate 
house,  the  application  to  you  will  not  be  to  warp  a 
web;  but  to  make  laws  for  the  commonwealth. 
Now,  suppose  that  the  making  these  laws,  requires 
a  knowledge  of  commerce,  or  of  the  interests  of 
agriculture,  or  those  principles  upon  which  the  dif- 
ferent manufactures  depend,  what  service  could  you 
render.  It  is  possible  you  might  think  justly 
enough  ;  but  could  you  speak  ?  You  are  not  in  the 
habit  of  public  speaking.  You  are  not  furnished 
with  those  common  place  ideas,  with  which  even 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  13 

very  ignorant  men  can  pass  for  knowins^  something. 
There   is  nothing  makes  a  man  so  ridiculous  as  to 
attempt  what  is  above  his  sphere.     You  are  no  tum- 
bler for  instance ;  yet  should  you 'give  out  that  you 
could  vault  upon  a  man's  back ;  or  turn  head  over 
theels  like  the  wheels  of  a  cart;  the  stiffness  of  your 
-joints  would    encumber   you  ;  and    you  would  fall 
upon  your  backside  to  the  ground.     Such  a  squash 
as  that  would   do    you  damage.     The  getting  up  to 
•  ride  on  the   state  is   an    unsafe  thing  to  those  who 
are  not  accustomed  to  such  horsemanship.     It  is  a 
disagreeable  thing  for  a  man  to  be  laughed  at,    and 
there  is  no  way  of  keeping  ones  self  from  it  but  by 
avoiding  all  affectation. 

While  they  were  thus  discoursing,  a  bustle  had 
taken  place  among  the  croud.  "  Teague  hearing  so 
much  about  elections,  and  serving-  the  government, 
took  it  into  his  head,  that  he  covild  be  a  legislator 
himself.  The  thing  was  not  displeasing  to  the  peo- 
ple, v/ho  seemed  to  favour  his  pretensions ;  owing, 
in  some  degree,  to  there  being  several  of  his  coun- 
trymen among  the  croud  ;  but  more  especially  to 
tiie  fluctuation  of  the  popular  mind,  and  a  disposi- 
tion to  what  is  new  and  ignoble.  For  ihough  the 
weaver  was  not  the  most  elevated  object  of  choice, 
yet  he  was  still  preferable  to  this  tatter-demalion, 
who  was  but  a  menial  servant,  and  had  so  much  of 
what  is  called  the  brogue  on  his  tongue,  as  to  fail 
-far  short  of  an  elegant  speaker. 

The  Captain  ;coming  up,  and  finding  what  was  on 
'tlie  carpet,  was  greatly  chagrined  at  not  having  been 
-able  to  give  the  multitude  a  better -idea  cf  the  im- 
-portance  of  a  legislative  trust ;  alarmed  also,  from 
.ah  apprehension  of  the  loss  of  his  servant.  Under 
these  impressions  he  resumed  his  address  to  the 
multitude.  Said  he,  this  is  making  the  matter  st^l! 
c.,2 


li  MODEKN  CHIVALHY. 

worse,  gentlemen :  this  servant  of  mine  is  but  a 
bog-trotter,  who  can  scarcely  speak  the  dialect  in 
which  your  laws  ought  to  be  written  ;  but  certainly 
has  never  read  a  single  treatise  on  any  political 
subject ;  for  the  truth  is,  he  cannot  read  at  all.  The 
young  people  of  the  lower  class,  in  Ireland,  have 
seldom  the  advantage  of  a  good  education  ;  espe- 
cially the  descendants  of  the  ancient  Irish,  who  have 
most  of  them  a  great  assurance  of  countenance,  but 
little  information,  or  literature.  This  young  man, 
whose  family  name  is  Oregan,  has  been  my  servant 
for  several  years  ;  and,  except  a  too  great  fondness 
for  women,  which  now  and  then  brings  him  into 
scrapes,  he  has  demeaned  himself  in  a  manner  to- 
lerable enough.  But  he  is  totally  ignorant  of  the 
great  principles  of  legislation ;  and  more  especially, 
the  particular  interests  of  the  government.  A  free 
government  is  a  noble  acquisition  to  a  people :  and 
this  freedom  consists  in  an  equal  right  to  make 
laws,  and  to  have  the  benefit  of  the  laws  when  made. 
Though  doubtless,  in  such  a  government,  the  lowest 
citizen  may  become  chief  magistrate  ;  yet  it  is  suf- 
ficient to  possess  the  right ;  not  absolutely  necessary 
to  exercise  it.  Or  even  if  you  should  think  proper, 
now  and  then,  to  shew  your  privilege,  and  exert,  in 
a  signal  manner,  the  democratic  prerogative,  yet  is 
it  not  descending  too  low  to  filch  away  from  me  a 
hireling",  which  I  cannot  well  spare.  You  are  surely 
carrying  the  matter  too  far,  in  thinking  to  make  a 
senator  of  this  ostler ;  to  take  him  away  from  an 
employment  to  which  he  has  been  bred,  and  put  him 
to  another,  to  which  he  has  served  no  apprentice- 
ship :  to  set  those  hands  which  have  been  lately  em- 
ployed in  currying  my  horse,  to  the  draughting  bills, 
andjpreparing  business  for  the  house. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  l6 

The  people  were  tenacious  of  their  choice,  and 
insisted  on  giving  Teague  their  suffrages;  and  by 
the  frown  upon  their  brows,  seemed  to  indicate 
resentment  at  what  had  been  said;  as  indirectly 
charging  them  with  want  of  judgment ;  or  calling 
in  question  their  privilege  to  do  what  they  thought 
proper.  It  is  a  very  strange  thing,  said  one  of  them, 
who  was  a  speaker  for  the  rest,  that  after  having 
conquered  Burgoyne  and  Comwallis,  and  got  a  go- 
vernment of  our  own,  we  cannot  put  in  it  whom  we 
please.  This  young  man  may  be  your  servant,  or 
another  man*s  servant;  but  if  we  chuse  to  make 
him  a  delegate,  what  is  that  to  you.  He  may  not 
be  yet  skilled  in  the  matter,  but  there  is  a  good  day 
a-coming.  We  will  empower  him ;  and  it  is  better 
to  trust  a  plain  man  like  him,  than  one  of  your  high 
flyers,  that  will  make  laws  to  suit  their  own  pur- 
poses. 

I  had  much  rather,  said  the  Captain,  you  would 
send  the  weaver,  though  I  thought  that  improper, 
•than  to  invade  my  household,  and  thus  detract  from 
me  the  very  person  that  I  have  about  me  to  brush 
my  boots,  and  clean  my  spurs.  The  prolocutor  of 
the  people  gave  him  to  understand  that  his  objec- 
tions were  useless,  for  the  people  had  determined 
on  the  choice,  and  Teague  they  would  have,  for  a 
representative. 

Finding  it  answered  no  end  to  expostulate  with 
the  multitude,  he  requested  to  speak  a  word  with 
Teague  by  himself.  Stepping  aside,  he  said  to  him, 
composing  his  voice,  and  addressing  him  in  a  soft; 
manner  :  Teague,  you  are  quite  wrong  in  this  mat- 
ter they  have  put  into  your  head.  Do  you  know 
what  it  is  to  be  a  member  of  a  deliberative  body  ? 
What  qualifications  are  necessary  ?  Do  you  under- 
'^tand  any  thing  of  geography?  If  a  question  should 


^S  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

be  put  to  make  a  law  to  dig  a  canal  in  some  part  oT 
the  state,  can  you  describe  the  bearing  of  the  moun- 
tains, and  the  course  of  the  rivers?  Or  if  commerce 
is  to  be  pushed  to  some  new  quarter,  by  the  force  of 
regulations,  are  you  competent  to  decide  in  such  a 
case?  There  will  be  questions  of  law,  and  astrono- 
my on  the  carpet.  How  you  must  gape  and  stare 
like  a  fool,  when  you  come  to  be  asked  your  opinion 
on  these  subjects?  Are  you  acquainted  with  the 
abstract  principles  of  finance ;  with  the  funding  pub- 
lic securities  ;  the  v/ays  and  means  of  raising  the 
revenue  ;  providing  for  the  discharge  of  the  public 
debts,  and  all  other  things  which  respect  the  econo- 
my of  the  government?  Even  if  you  had  knowledge, 
have  you  a  facility  of  speaking.  I  would  suppose 
you  would  have  too  much  pride  to  go  to  the  house 
just  to  say,  ay,  or  no.  This  is  not  the  fault  of  your 
nature,  but  of  your  education;  having  been  accus-' 
tomed  to  dig  turf  in  your  early  years,  rather  than 
instructing  yourself  in  the  classics,  or  common  school 
books. 

When  a  man  becomes  a  member  of  a  public  body, 
he  is  like  a  racoon,  or  other  beast  that  climbs  up  the 
fork  of  a  tree ;  the  boys  pushing  at  him  with  pitcli- 
forks,  or  throwing  stones,  or  shooting  at  him  with 
an  arrow,  the  dogs  barking  in  the  mean  time.  One 
will  find  fault  with  your  not  speaking;  another  with 
your  speaking,  if  you  speak  at  all.  They  will  put 
you  in  the  newspapers,  and  ridicule  you  as  a  perfect 
teast.  There  is  what  they  call  the  caricatura;  that 
is,  representing  you  with  a  dog's  head,  or  a  cat -s 
■claw.  As  you  have  a  red  head,  they  will  Very  pro- 
bably make  a  fox  of  you,  or  a  sorrel  horse,  or  a  brin- 
dled cow.  It  is  the  devil  in  hell  to  be  exposed  to  the 
•squibs  and  crackers  of  the  gazette  wits  and  publi-  j 
-cations.     You  kcow  no  more  about  these  mattere  I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  17 

than  a  goose ;  and  yet  you  would  undertake  rashly, 
without  advice,  to  enter  on  the  office ;  nay,  contrary 
to  advice.  For  I  would  not  for  a  thousand  guineas, 
though  I  have  not  the  half  it  to  spare,  that  the  breed 
of  the  Oregans  should  come  to  this ;  bringing  on 
them  a  worse  stain  than  stealing  sheep ;  to  which 
they  are  addicted.  You  have  nothing  but  your  cha- 
racter, Teague,  in  a  new  country  to  depend  upon. 
Let  it  never  be  said,  that  you  quitted  an  honest  live- 
lihood, the  taking  care  of  my  horse,  to  follow  the  new 
fangled  whims  of  the  times,  and  be  a  statesman. 

Teague  was  moved  chiefly  with  the  last  part  of 
the  address,  and  consented  to  relinquish  his  preten- 
sions. 

The  Captain,  glad  of  this,  took  him  back  to  the 
people,  and  announced  his  disposition  to  decline  the 
honour  which  they  had  intended  him. 

Teague  acknowledged  that  he  had  changed  his 
mind,  and  was  willing  to  remain  in  a  private  sta;* 
tion. 

The  people  did  not  seem  well  pleased  with  the 
Captain ;  but  as  nothing  more  could  be  said  about 
the  matter,  they  turned  their  attention  to  the  weaver, 
^nd  gave  him  their  suffrages,* 


MODERN  CHIVALRT. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


THE  Captain  leaving  this  place,  proceeded 
on  his  way;  and  at  the  distance  of  a  mile  or  two, 
met  a  man  with  a  bridle  in  his  hand ;  wh ;  had  lost 
^  horse,  and  had  been  at  a  conjurer's  to  make  enqul 
ry,  and  recover  his  property. 

It  struck  the  mind  of  the  Captain  to  go  to  this 
conjuring  person,  and  make  a  demand  of  him,  why 
it  was  that  the  multitude  were  so  disposed  to  elevate 
the  low  to  the  highest  station.  He  had  rode  but 
about  a  mile,  when  the  habitation  of  the  conjurer,  by 
the  direction  and  description  of  the  man  who  had 

lost  the  horse  had  givejn,  b-egan  to  be  in  view 

Coming  up  to  the  door,  and  enquiring  if  that  was 
not  v/here  conjurer  Kolt  lived,  they  were  ansAvcred 
yes.  Accordingly  alighting,  and  entering  the  do- 
micile, all  those  things  took  place  which  usually 
h?tppen,  or  are  described  in  cases  of  this  nature,  viz. 
there  was  the  conjurer's  assistant,  who  gave  the  Cap- 
tain to  understand  that  master  had  withdrawn  a  lit- 
tle, but  would  be  in  shortly. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  assistant  endeavoured  to  ■ 
draw  from  him  some  account  of  the  occasion  of  his 
journey;  which  the  other  readily  communicated; 
and  the  conjurer,  who  was  listening  through  a  crack 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  W 

in  the  partition,  overheard.  Finding;  it  was  not  a 
horse  or  a  cow,  or  a  piece  of  linen  that  was  lost,  but 
an  abstract  question  of  political  philosophy  which 
was  to  be  put,  he  came  from  his  lurking-  place,  and 
entered,  as  if  not  knowing  that  any  person  had  been 
waiting  for  him. 

After  mutual  salutations,  the  Captain  gave  him  to 
understand  the  object  which  he  had  in.  view  by  call- 
ing on  him. 

Said  the  conjurer,  this  lies  not  at  all  in  my  way. 
If  it  had  been  a  dozen  of  spoons,  or  a  stolen  watch, 
that  you  had  to  look  for,  I  could  very  readily,  by  the 
assistance  of  my  art,  have  assisted  you  in  the  reco- 
very ;  but  as  to  this  matter  of  men's  imaginations 
and  attachments  in  political  affairs,  I  have  no  more 
understanding  than  another  man. 

It  is  very  strange,  said  the  Captain,  that  you  who- 
can  tell  by  what  means  a  thing  is  stolen,  and  the 
place  where  it  is  deposited,  though  at  a  thousand 
miles  distance,  should  know  so  little  of  what  is  go- 
ing on  in  the  breast  of  man,  as  not  to  be  able  to  de- 
velope  his  secret  thoughts,  and  the  motives  of  his 
actions. 

It  is  not  of  our  business,  said  the  other ;  but  should 
we  undertake  it,  I  do  not  see  that  it  would  be  very 
difficult  to  explain  all  that  puzzles  you  at  present. 
There  is  no  need  of  a  conjurer  to  tell  why  it  is  that 
the  common  people  are  more  disposed  to  trust  one 
of  their  own  class,  than  those  who  may  affect  to  be 
superior.  Besides,  there  is  a  certain  pride  in  man, 
which  leads  him  to  elevate  the  low,  and  pull  down 
the  high.  There  is  a  kind  of  creating  power  exerted 
in  making  a  senator  of  an  unqualified  person ;  which 
when  the  author  has  done,  he  exults  over  the  work, 
and,  li  ,e  the  Creator  himself  when  he  made  the 
world,  sees  that "  it  is  very  good/*    Moreover,  there. 


20  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

is  in  every  government  a  patrician  class,  against 
whom  the  spirit  of  the  multitude  naturally  militates: 
and  hence  a  perpetual  war:  the  aristocrats  endea- 
vouring to  detrude  the  people,  and  the  people  con- 
tending to  obtrude  themselves.  And  it  is  right  it 
should  be  so ;  for  by  this  fermentation,  the  spirit  of 
democracy  is  kept  alive. 

The  Captain,  thanking  him  for  his  information, 
asked  him  what  was  to  pay ;  at  the  same  time  pull- 
ing out  half  a  crown  from  a  green  silk  purse  which 
he  had  in  his  breeches  pocket.  The  conjurer  gave 
him  to  understand,  that  as  the  solution  of  these  dif- 
ficulties was  not  within  his  province,  he  took  nothing 
for  it.  The  Captain  expressing  his  sense  of  his  dis- 
interested service,  bade  him  adieu. 


r 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.      *l 


CHAPTER.  V. 


CONTAINING    REFLECTIONS?. 

A  DEMOCRACY  is  beyond  all  question  the 
freest  government :  because  under  this,  every  man 
is  equally  protected  by  the  laws,  and  has  equally  a 
Toice  in  making-  them.     But  I  do  not  say  an  equal 
voice ;  because  some  men  have  stronger  lungs  than 
others,  and  can  express  more  forcibly  their  opinions 
of  public   affairs.      Others,  though   they   may  not 
speak  very  loud,  yet  have  a  faculty  of  saying  more 
in  a  short  time ;  and  even  in  the  case  of  others,  who 
j  speak  little  or  none  at  all,  yet  what  they  do  say  con- 
1  taining  good  sense,  comes  with  greater  weight;  so 
I  that  all  things  considered,  every  citizen  has  not,  in 
this  sense  of  the  word,  an  equal  voice.   But  the  right 
being  equal,  what  great  harm  if  it  is  unequally  ex- 
ercised ?  is  it  necessary  that  every  man  should  be- 
come a  statesman  ?    No  more  than  that  every  man 
should  become  a  poet  or  a  painter.     The  sciences 
j  are  open  to  all ;  but  let  him  only  who  has  taste  and 
j;  genius  pursue  them.     "  If  any  man  covets  the  of- 
fice of  a  bishop,"  says  St.  Paul,  "  he  covets  a  good 
work."     But  again,  he  adds  this  caution,  "  Ordain 
not  a  novice,  lest  being  lifted  up  with  pride,  he  falls 

VOL.  I.  D 


22  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

into  the  condemnation  of  the  devil/'  It  is  indeed 
maldng  a  devil  of  a  man  to  lift  him  up  to  a  state  to 
which  he  is  not  suited.  A  ditcher  is  a  respectuble 
character,  v^^ith  his  over-alls  on,  and  a  spade  in  his 
hand ;  but  put  the  same  man  to  those  offices  which 
require  the  head,  whereas  he  has  been  accustomed 
to  impress  with  his  foot,  and  there  appears  a  contrast 
between  the  individual  and  the  occupation. 

There  are  individuals  in  society,  who  prefer  ho- 
nour to  wealth;  or  cultivate  political  studies  as  a 
branch  of  literary  pursuits;  and  offer  themselves  to 
serve  public  bodies  in  order  to  have  an  opportunity 
of  discovering  thei-r  knowledge,  and  exercising  their 
judgment.  It  must  be  matter  of  chagrin  to  these, 
and  hurtful  to  the  public,  to  see  those  who  have  no 
talent  this  way,  and  ought  to  have  no  taste,  prepos- 
terously obtrude  themselves  upon  the  government. 
It  is  the  same  as  if  a  brick-layer  should  usurp  the 
office  of  a  taylor  and  come  with  his  square  and  per- 
pendicular, to  take  the  measure  of  a  pair  of  breeches. 

It  is  proper  that  those  who  cultivate  oratory, 
should  go  to  the  house  of  orators.  But  for  an  Ay 
and  No  man  to  be  ambitious  of  that  place,  is  to  sa- 
crifice his  credit  to  his  vanity. 

I  would  not  mean  to  insinuate  that  legislators  are 
to  be  selected  from  the  more  wealthy  of  the  citizens, 
yet  a  man's  circumstances  ought  to  be  such  as  af- 
fovd  him  leisure  for  study  and  reflection.  There  is 
often  wealth  without  taste  or  talent.  I  have  no  idea, 
that  because  a  man  lives  in  a  great  house,  and  has  a 
cluster  of  bricks  or  stones  about  his  backside,  that 
he  is  therefore  fit  for  a  legislator.  There  is  so 
much  pride  and  arrogance  with  those  who  consider 
themselves  the  first  in  a  government,  that  it  deserves 
to  be  checked  by  the  populace,  and  the  evil  most 
usually  commences  on  this  side.     Men  associatf 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  23 

with  their  own  persons,  the  adventitious  circum- 
stances of  birth  and  fortune :  So  that  a  fellow  blowing 
•with  fat  and  repletion,  conceives  himself  superior 
to  the  poor  lean  man,  that  lodges  in  an  inferior 
mansion.  But  as  in  all  cases,  so  in  this,  there  is  a 
^medium.  Genius  and  virtue  are  independent  of 
rank  and  fortune ;  and  it  is  neither  the  opulent,  nor 
the  indigent,  but  the  man  of  ability  and  integrity 
that  ought  to  be  called  forth  to  serve  his  country : 
and  while,  on  the  one  hand,  the  aristocratic  part  of 
the  government,  arrogates  a  right  to  represent ;  on 
the  other  hand,  the  democratic  contends  the  point ; 
and  from  this  conjunction  and  opposition  of  forces, 
there  is  produced  a  compound  resolution,  which  car- 
ries the  object  in  an  intermediate  direction.  When 
we  see  therefore,  a  Teague  Oregan  lifted  up,  the 
philosopher  will  reflect,  that  it  is  to  balance  some 
purse-proud  fellow,  equally  as  ignorant,  that  comes 
down  from  the  sphere  of  aristocratic  interest. 

But  every  man  ought  to  consider  for  himself, 
whether  it  is  his  use  to  be  this  drawback,  on  either 
-^ide.  For  as  when  good  liquor  is  to  be  distilled,  you 
tiirow  in  some  material  useless  in  itself  to  correct 
the  effervescence  of  the  spirit ;  so  it  may  be  his  part 
to  act  as  a  sedative.  For  though  we  commend  the 
.effect,  yet  still  the  material  retains  but  its  original 
value. 

But  as  the  nature  of  things  is  such,  let  no  man 
who  means  well  to  the  commonwealth,  and  offers  to 
serve  it,  be  hurt  in  his  mind  when  some  one  of 
meaner  talents  is  preferred.  The  people  are  a  sove- 
reign, and  greatly  despotic;  but,  in  the  main,  just. 

It  might  be  advisable,  in  order  to  elevate  the  com- 
position, to  ma  :e  quotations  from  the  Greek  and 
Roman  history.  And  I  am  conscious  to  myself, 
4hat  I  have  read  the  writers  ©n  the  government  of 


24  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Italy  and  Greece,  in  ancient,  as  well  as  modern 
times.  But  I  have  drawn  a  great  deal  more  from 
reflection  on  the  nature  of  things,  than  from  all  the 
writings  I  have  ever  read.  Nay,  the  history  of  the 
election,  which  I  have  just  given,  will  afford  a  better 
lesson  to  the  American  mind,  than  all  that  is  to  be 
found  in  other  examples-  Vv"e  seen  here,  a  weaver 
a  favoured  candidate,  and  in  the  next  instance,  a  bog- 
trotter  superseding  him.  Now  it  may  be  said,  that 
this  is  fiction;  but  fiction. or  no  fiction,  the  nature  of 
the  thing  will  make  it  a  reality.  But  I  return  to  the 
adventures  of  the  Captain,  whom  I  have  upon  my 
hands;  and  who.  as  far  as  I  can  yet  discover,  is  a 
good  honest  man ;  and  means  what  is  benevolent  and 
useful ;  though  his  ideas  may  not  comport  with  the 
ordinary  manner  of  thinking,  in  every  particular. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


THERE  was,  in  a  certain  great  city,  a  so- 
ciety who  called  themselves  Philosophers.  They 
had  published  books,  under  the  title  of  Transactions. 
These  contained  dissertations  on  the  nature  and 
-causes  of  things ,  from  the  stars  of  heaven  to  the  fire- 
flies of  the  earth ;  and  from  the  sea-crab  to  the  wood- 
land buffaioe.  Such  disquisitions,  are  doubtless  use- 
ful and  entertaining  to  an  inquisitive  mind. 

There  is  no  question,  but  there  were  in  this  body 

•  some  very  great  men ;  whose  investigations  of  the 

•  arcana  of  nature,  deserve  attention.  But  so  it  was, 
there  had  been  introduced,  by  some  means,  many 
individuals,  who  were  no  philosophers  at  all.  This 
is  no  unusual  thing  with  institutions  of  this  nature ; 
though,  by  the  bye,  it  is  a  very  great  fault.  For  it 
lessens,  the  incentives  of  honour,  to  have  the  access 
made  so  easy,  that  every  one  may  obtain  admission. 
It  has  been  a  reproach  to  some  colleges,  that  a  di- 
ploma could  be  purchased  for  half  a  crown.  This 
society  were  still  more  moderate;  for  the  bare 
scratching   the   backside    of  a    member  has   been 

.known  to  procure  a  membership.  At  least,  ther« 
have  been  those  admitted  who  appeared  capable  „oi 
inothing  else. 

J). 2 


26  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Neveitheless,  it  was  necessary,  even  in  these  cases, 
for  the  candidates  to  procure  some  token  of  a  phi- 
losophic turn  of  mind ;  such  as  the  skin  of  a  dead 
cat,  or  some  odd  kind  of  a  mouse-trap;  or  have 
phrases  in  their  mouths,  about  minerals  and  petri- 
factions ;  so  as  just  to  support  some  idea  of  natural 
knowledge,  and  pass  muster.  There  was  one  who 
got  in  by  finding,  accidentally,  the  tail  of  a  rabbit, 
which  had  been  taken  off  in  a  boy's  trap.  Another 
by  means  of  a  squirrel's  scalp,  which  he  had  taken 
care  to  stretch  and  dry  on  a  bit  of  osier,  bended  in 
the  form  of  a  hoop.  The  beard  of  an  old  fox,  taken 
off  and  dried  in  the  sun,  was  the  means  of  introduc- 
ing one  whom  I  knew  very  well :  Or  rather,  as  I 
have  already  hinted,  it  was  beforehand  intended  he 
should  be  introduced;  and  these  exuviae,  or  spoils  of 
the  animal  kin  dom,  were  but  the  tokens  and  apo- 
lojries  for  admission. 

It  happened,  as  the  Captain  was  riding  this  day, 
and  Tea:,ue  trotting  after  him,  he  sav/  a  large  owl, 
that  had  been  shot  by  some  body,  and  was  placed  in 
the  crotch  of  a  tree,  about  the  height  of  a  man's 
head  from  the  ground,  for  those  that  passed  by  to 
look  at.  The  Captain  being  struck  with  it,  as  some- 
v/hat  larger  than  such  birds  usually  are,  desired 
Tea  \ue  to  reach  it  to  him ;  and  tying  it  to  the  hinder 
part  of  his  saddle,  rode  along. 

Passing  by  the  house  of  one  who  belonged  to  the 
society,  the  bird  was  noticed  at  the  saddle-skirts,  and 
the  philosopher  coming  out,  made  enquiry  with  re- 
gard to  the  genus  and  nature  of  the  fowl.  ^Said  the 
Captain,  I  know  nothing  more  about  it,  than  that  it 
is  nearly  as  large  as  a  turkey  buzzard.  It  is  doubt- 
less, said  the  other,  the  great  Canada  owl,  that  comes 
from  the  Lakes ;  and  if  your  honour  will  give  me 
leave,  I  will  take  it  and  submit  it  to  the  society,  and 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  27 

have  yourself  made  a  member.  As  to  the  first,  the 
Captain  consented ;  but  as  to  the  last,  the  being  a 
member,  he  chose  rather  to  decline  it ;  conceiving 
himself  unqualified  for  a  place  in  such  a  body.  The 
other  assured  him  that  he  was  under  a  very  great 
mistake ;  for  there  were  persons  there  who  scarcely 
knew  a  B  from  a  bull's  foot.  That  may  be,  said  the 
Captain ;  but  if  others  chuse  to  degrade  themselves, 
by  suffering  their  names  to  be  used  in  so  preposte- 
Tous  a  way  as  that,  it  was  no  reason  he  should. 

The  other  gave  him  to  understand,  that  the  soci- 
ety would  certainly  wish  to  express  their  sense  of 
his  merit,  and  shew  themselves  not  inattentive  to  a 
virtuoso  ;  that  as  he  declined  the  honour  him.self, 
lie  probably  might  not  be  averse  to  let  his  servant 
take  a  seat  among  them. 

He  is  but  a  simple  Irishman,  said  the  Captain, 
and  of  a  low  education  ;  his  language  being  that 
spoken  by  the  aborigines  of  his  country.  And  if  he 
speaks  a  little  English,  it  is  Avith  the  brogue  on  his 
tongue  ;  which  would  be  unbecoming  in  a  member 
of  your  body.  It  would  seem  to  me  that  a  philoso- 
pher ought  to  know  how  to  write,  or  at  least  to  read 
But  Teague  can  neither  write  nor  read.  He  can* 
sing  a  song  or  vrhistle  an  Irish  tune  ;  but  is  to- 
tally illiterate  in  all  things  else.  I  question  much 
if  he  could  tell  you  how  many  new  moons  there  are 
in  the  year  ;  or  a.ny  the  most  common  thing  that 
you  could  ask  him.  He  is  a  long-legged  fellow,  it 
is  true  ;  and  might  be  of  service  in  clambering  over 
rocks,  or  going  to  the  shores  of  rivers,  to  gather  cu- 
riosities. But  could  you  not  get  persons  to  do  this, 
without  making  them  members  ?  I  have  more  res- 
pect for  science,  than  to  suffer  this  bog-trotter  to  be 
^o  advanced  at  its  expence. 


28  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

In  these  American  states,  there  is  a  wide  field  I'ot 
philosophic  search  ;  and  these  researches  may  be 
of  great  use  in  agriculture,  mechanics,  and  astro- 
nomy. There  is  but  little  immediate  profit  attend- 
ing these  pursuits  ;  but  if  there  can  be  inducements 
tof  honour,  these  may  supply  the  place.  What  more 
alluring  to  a  young  man,  than  the  prospect  of  being, 
one  day,  received  into  a  society  of  men  truly  learn- 
ed ;  the  admission  being  a  test  and  a  proof  of  dis- 
tinguished knowledge.  But  the  fountain  of  honour, 
thus  contaminated  by  a  sediment  foreign  from  its 
nature,  who  would  wish  to  drink  of  it  ? 

Said  the  philosopher,  at  the  first  institution  of  the 
<society  by  Dr.  Fran  -.lin  and  others,  it  was  put  upon  a 
narrow  basis,  and  only  men  of  science  v/ere  consider- 
ed proper  to  compose  it ;  and  this  might  be  a  neces- 
sary policy  at  that  time,  when  the  institution  was  in 
its  infancy,  and  could  not  bear  much  drawback  of  ir^- 
norance.  But  it  has  not  been  judged  so  necessary  of 
late  years.  The  matter  stands  now  on  a  broad  and 
catholic  bottom  ;  and,  like  the  gospel  itself,  it  is  our 
orders,  '*  to  go  out  into  the  high- ways  and  hedges, 
and  compel  them  to  come  in."  There  are  hundreds, 
whose  names  you  may  see  on  our  list,  who  are  not 
more  instructed  than  this  lad  of  yours. 

They  must  be  a  sad  set  indeed  then,  said  the  Cap- 
tain. Sad  or  no  sad,  said  the  other,  it  is  the  case  ; 
and  if  you  will  let  Teague  go,  I  will  engage  him  a 
membership. 

I  ta.eit  very  ill  of  you,  Mr.  Philosopher,  said  the 
Captain,  to  put  this  nonsense  in  his  head.  If  you 
knew  what  trouble  I  have  lately  had  with  a  parcel  of 
people  that  were  for  sending  him  to  Congress,  you 
would  be  unwilling  to  draw  him  from  me  for  the 
purpose  of  making  him  »  philosopher.  It  is  not  an 
jeasy    raattej  to    get    hirelings    now-a-days  ;    and 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  39 

when  you  do  get  one,  it  is  a  mere  chance,  whethei 
he  is  faithful,  and  will  suit  your  purpose.  It  would 
be  a  very  great  loss  to  me,  to  have  him  taUen  off  at 
this  time,  when  I  have  equipped  myself  for  a  jour- 
ney. 

Teague  was  a  good  deal  incensed  at  this  refusal  of 
his  master,  and  insisted  that  he  would  be  a  philoso- 
pher. You  are  an  ignoramus,  said  the  Captain.  It 
is  not  the  being  among  philosophers  will  make  yoa 
one. 

Teague  insisted  that  he  had  a  right  to  maVe  the 
best  of  his  fortune  :  and  as  there  was  a  door  open  to 
his  advancement,  he  did  not  see  why  he  might  not 
ma  e  use  of  it. 

The  Captain  finding  that  it  answered  no  end  to 
dispute  the  matter  with  him,  by  words  of  sense  and 
reason,  took  a  contrary  way  to  manage  him. 

Teague,  said  he,  1  have  a  regard  for  you,  and 
•would  wish  to  see  you  do  well.  But  before  you  take 
this  step,  I  would  wish  to  spea'v  a  word  or  two  in 
private.  If  you  will  go,  I  may  perhaps  suggest 
-some  things  that  may  be  of  service  to  you,  for  your 
future  conduct  in  that  body. 

Teague  consenting,  they  stepped  aside  ;  and  the 
Captain  addressed  him  in  the  following  manner  : 

Teague,  said  he,  do  you  know  what  you  are  about? 
It  is  a  fine  thing  at  first  sight,  to  be  a  philosopher, 
and  get  into  this  body.  And  indeed,  if  you  were  a 
real  philosopher,  it  might  be  some  honour,  and  also 
safe,  to  take  that  leap.  But  do  you  think  it  is  to 
make  a  philosopher  of  you  that  they  want  you  ?  Far 
from  it.  It  is  their  great  study  to  find  curiosities  ; 
and  because  this  man  saw  you  coming  after  me, 
with  a  red  head,  trotting  liue  an  Esquimaux  Indian, 
it  has  stmck  his  mind  to  pick  you  up,  and  pass  you 
for  one.      Nay,  it  is  possible,  they  may  inteud 


30  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

worse ;  and  when  they  have  examined  you  a- 
while,  ta'.e  the  skin  off  you,  and  pass  you  for  an 
overgrown  otter,  or  a  musk-rat ;  or  some  outlandish 
animal,  for  which  they  will  themselves,  invent  a 
name.  If  you  were  at  the  museum  of  one  of  these 
societies,  to  observe  the  quantity  of  skins  and  skele- 
tons they  have,  you  mij^ht  be  well  assured  they  did 
not  come  by  them  lionestly.  I  know  so  much  of 
these  people,  that  I  am  well  persuaded  they  would 
think  no  more  of  throwing  you  into  a  kettle  of  boil- 
ing water,  than  they  would  a  tarapin  ;  and  having 
scraped  you  out  to  a  shell,  present  you  as  the  relics 
of  an  animal  tliey  had  procured,  at  an  immense  price, 
from  some  Guinea  merchant.  Or  if  they  should  not 
at  once  turn  you  to  this  use,  how,  in  the  mean  time, 
will  they  dispose  of  you  ?  They  will  have  you  away 
through  the  bogs  and  marshes,  catching  flies  and 
mire-snipes ;  or  send  you  to  the  woods  to  bring  a  pole- 
cat ;  or  oblige  you  to  descend  into  dravr-wells  for  fog, 
and  phlogistic  air,  and  the  Lord  knows  what.  You 
must  go  into  wolves  dens,  and  catch  bears  by  the  tail ; 
run  over  mountains  lie  an  oppossum,  and  dig  the 
earth  like  a  ground-hog.  You  will  have  to  climb 
upon  trees,  and  be  bit  by  flving  squirrels.  There 
will  be  no  end  to  the  mus  cetoes  you  will  have  to  dh- 
sect.  What  is  all  this  to  diving  into  mill-dams  and 
rivers,  to  catch  craw- fish.  Or  if  you  go  to  the 
ocean,  there -are  alligators  to  devour  you  like  a 
cat-fish  Who  knows  but  it  may  come  your  turn, 
in  a  windy  night,  to  go  aloft  to  the  heavens, 
to  rub  down  the  stars,  and  give  the  goats  and 
rams  that  are  there,  fodder.  The  keeping  the 
stars  clean,  is  a  laborious  work  ;  a  great  deal  worse 
than  scouring  andirons,  or  brass  kettles.  There  is  a 
bull  there  would  think  no  more  of  tossing  you  on  his 
horns  than  he  would  a  puppy  dog.     If  the  crab  should 


MODERN  CHIVALRY,  31 

get  yon  in  his  claws  he  would  squeeze  you  like  a  lob- 
ster. But  what  is  all  that  to  your  having:  no  place 
to  stand  on  ?  How  would  you  like  to  be  up  at  the 
moon,  and  to  fall  down  v/hen  you^had  missed  your 
hold,  like  a  boy  from  the  topmast  of  a  siiip,  and  have 
your  brains  beat  out  upon  the  top  of  some  great 
mountain  ;  where  the  devil  might  take  your  skeleton 
and  g-ive  it  to  the  turkey-buzzards  ? 

Orifthey  should,  in  the  mean  time,excuse  you  from, 
such  out  of  door  services,  they  will  rack  and  toiture 
you  with  hard  questions.  You  must  tell  them  ho\r 
lon^  the  rays  of  light  are  coming;  from  the  sun  ;  hovr 
many  drops  of  rain  fall  in  a  thunder-gust ;  what 
maiscs  the  grasshopper  chirp  when  the  sun  is  hot ; 
how  muscle  shells  get  up  to  the  top  of  the  mountains ; 
how  the  Indians  got  over  to  Am.erica.  You  will  have 
to  prove  that  the  negroes  were  once  white  ;  and  that 
their  flat  noses  came  by  some  cause  In  the  compass 
of  human  means  to  produce.  These  are  puzzling- 
questions  ;  and  yet  you  must  solve  them  all.  Take 
my  advice,  and  stay  where  you  are.  Many  men 
have  ruined  themselves  by  their  ambition,  and  made 
bad  worse.  There  is  another  kind  of  philosophy, 
which  lies  more  within  your  sphere  ;  that  is  moral 
philosophy.  Every  hostler  or  hireling  can  study 
this,  and  you  ha  e  the  most  excellent  opportunity  of 
acquiring  this  knowledge  in  our  traverses  through  the 
country  ;  or  communications  at  the  different  taverns 
or  villages,  where  we  may  happen  to  sojourn. 

Teague  had  long  ago,  in  his  own  mind,  given  up 
all  thoughts  of  the  society,  and  would  not  for  the 
world  have  any  more  to  do  with  it ;  therefore,  with- 
out bidding  the  philosopher  adieu,  they  pursued 
their  route  as  usual. 


5%  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


1 


CHAPTER  Vn. 


CONTAINING  OBSERVATIONS. 

THE  institution  of  the  American  Philosophi- 
cal Society,  does  great  honour  to  the  founders  ;  and 
what  has  been  published  by  that  body,  comes  not  be- 
hind what  has  appeared  from  societies  of  the  same 
nature  elsewhere.  But  of  late  years,  it  has  ceased  to 
be  presumptive  evidence,  at  least  what  the  lawyers 
call  violent  presumption,  of  philosophical  attain- 
ments, to  be  a  "member ;  owing  to  the  spurious  brood 
of  illiterate  persons  that  have  been  admitted  indis* 
criminately  with  the  informed;  this  again  owing  to 
a  political  dispute  in  the  government  where  this  so- 
ciety exists.  For  where  there  are  parties  in  a  com- 
monwealth, they  naturally  subdivide  themselves, 
and  are  found  even  in  the  retreats  of  the  muses.  It 
has  become  the  question  with  this  society,  not, 
whether  a  man  is  a  philospher  or  not,  but  what  part 
he  has  taken  in  some  question  on  the  carpet.  The 
body  conceived  itself  to  pay  a  compliment  to  the 
person  admitted,  as  if  it  could  be  any  honour  to  a 
man  to  be  announced  what  he  is  not.  The  contrary 
is  the  case  here.  For  as  honour  is  the  acknowledg- 
ment which  the  world  makes  of  a  man's  rcspecta- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  33 

bilitjr,  there  can  be  no  honour  here ;  for  it  has  be- 
come a  mere  matter  of  moon -shine  to  be  a  member. 
To  be,  or  not  to  be,  that  is  the  question ;  but  so  tri- 
flings that  it  is  scarcely  ever  made.  The  way  to  re- 
medy this,  would  be,  to  have  an  overhauling  of  the 
house,  and  derange  at  least  three  parts  in  four.  As 
in  the  case  of  Tarquin,  and  the  three  remaining 
books  of  the  Sybiles,  you  would  receive  as  much  for 
the  fourth  part  of  that  body,  should  you  set  them  up 
at  market,  as  for  the  whole  at  present. 

I  have  often  reflected  with  myself,  what  an  honour 
it  must  be,  to  be  one  of  the  society  of  the  French 
academy ;  forty,  of  twenty-four  millions  of  people, 

!  are  selected  in  consequence  of  literary  characters  al- 
ready established. 

I  recollect  the  time  when  I  had  high  ideas  of  phi- 
losophical membership   in    America.     But  it  does 

i  not  appear  to  me  nov/  to  be  the  highest  thing  that  a 
mancouldwish,  since  even  a  common  TeagueOregan 
trotting  on  the  high-way,  has  been  solicited  to  take 
a  seat.  It  may  be  said,  that  this  is  an  exaggeratioa 
of  the  facts ;  and  can  be  considered  only  as  burles- 
que. I  profess  it  is  not  intended  as  such,  but  as  a 
fair  picture  of  what  has  taken  place.  Should  it  be 
considered  in  the.  light  of  burlesque,  it  inust  be  a 
very  lame  one ;  because  where  there  is  no  excess 
there  can  be  no  caricatura.  But  omitting  all  apolo- 
gies and  explanations,  let  the  matter  rest  where  it  is. 


VOL.  1. 


i,.i  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  Vni. 


IT  was  somewhat  late  when  the  Captain  arri- 
Ted  at  an  inn  this  evening.  There  was  there,  be 
fore  him,  a  young  clergyman,  who  had  been  preach- 
ing that  day  to  a  neighbouring  congregation ;  but 
had  not  as  usual,  gone  home  with  an  elder ;  but  had 
come  thus  far  on  his  way  towards  another  place, 
where  he  was  to  preach  the  next  day. 

The  Captain  entering  into  conversation  with  the 
clergyman,  sat  up  pretty  late.  The  subject  was 
what  might  be  expected;  viz.  the  affairs  of  religion 
and  the  church.  The  clergyman  was  a  good  young 
man ;  but  with  a  leaning  fanaticism,  and  being  righ- 
teous over  much  :  The  Captain  on  the  other  hand, 
somewhat  sceptical  in  his  notions  of  religion  : 
Hence,  a  considerable  opposition  of  sentiment  be- 
tween  the  two.  But  at  length,  drowziness  seizing 
both,  candles  were  called  for,  and  they  went  to  bed. 

It  was  about  an  hour  or  two  after,  when  an  up^ 
roar  was  heard  in  a  small  chamber  to  the  left  of  the 
stair  case  which  led  to  the  floor  on  which  they  slept. 
■..^  It  was  Teague,  who  had  got  to  bed  to  the  girl  of  the 
house.  For  as  they  would  neither  let  him  go  ta 
Congress,  nor  be  a  philosopher,  he  must  be  doing 
something.     The  girl  not  being  apprized,  or  not 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  35 

chusing  his  embraces,  made  a  great  outcry  and  la- 
.mentation.  The  clergyman,  who  slept  in  an  ad- 
joining chamber,  and  hearing  this,  out  of  the  zeal 
of  his  benevolence  and  humanity,  leaped  out  of  bed 
in  his  shirt,  and  ran  in,  to  see  what  was  the  cause  of 
the  disturbance.  The  Captain  also  jumping  up,  fol- 
lowed soon  after,  and  was  scarcely  in  the  chamber, 
before  the  landlord  coming  up  with  a  candle,  found 
them  ail  together. 

The  maid  gave  this  account  of  the  matter,  viz. 
That  between  sleeping  and  waking  she  felt  a  man's 
hand,  lifting  up  the  bed  clothes;  upon  which  she 
called  out  murder.  But  whether  it  was  any  body 
there  present,  or  some  one  else,  she  could  not  tell. 

Teague,  whose  natural  parts  were  not  bad,  and 
presence  of  mind  considerable,  instantly  adopted 
the  expedient  to  throw  the  matter  on  the  clergyman. 
By  shaint  Patrick,  said  he,  I  was  aslape  in  my  own 
bed,  as  sound  as  the  shates  that  were  about  me, 
when  I  heard  the  sound  of  this  young  cratur;i'& 
voice  crying  out  like  a  shape  in  a  pasture ;  and  when 
after  I  had  heard,  aslape  as  I  was,  and  come  here,  I 
found  this  praste,  who  was  so  holy,  and  praching  all 
night,  upon  the  top  of  the  bed,  with  his  arms  round 
this  young  crature's  neck ;  and  if  I  had  not  given 
him  a  twitch  by  the  nose,  and  bid  him  ly  over,  dear 
honey,  he  would  have  ravished  her  virginity,  and 
murdered  her,  save  her  soul,  and  the  paple  of  the 
house  not  the  wiser  for  it. 

The  clergyman  stared  with  his  mouth  open ;  for 
■the  palpable  nature  of  the  falsehood,  had  shocked 
him  beyond  the  power  of  speech. 

But  the  landlady,  who  in  the  mean  time  had  come 
up,  and  had  heard  what  Teague  had  said,  was  enra- 
ged, and  could  supply  speech  for  them  both.  Hey, 
■said  she,  this  comes  of  your  preaching  and  praying. 


36  MODERN  CHIVALRY.  ^ 

Mr.  Minister.  I  have  lodged  many  a  gentleman;, 
but  Iiave  never  had  such  doings  here  before.  It  is  ai 
pretty  story  that  a  minister  of  the  gospel  should  be 
the  first  to  bring  a  scandal  upon  the  house. 

The  Captain  interrupted  her,  and  told  her  there 
vras  no  harm  done.  The  maid  Avas  not  actually  ra- 
vished ;  and  if  there  vt^as  no  noise  made  about  itj  all 
miatters  miight  be  set  right. 

The  clergyman  had  by  this  time  recovered  him- 
self so  much  as  to  have  the  use  of  his  tongue  ;  and 
began  by  protesting  his  innocence,  and  that  it  Avas  no 
more  him  that  made  the  attack  upon  the  maid,  than 
the  angel  Gabriel. 

The  Captain,  interrupting  him,  and  wishing  to, 
save  his  feelings,  began  by  excusing  or  extenus-ting , 
the  offence.  It  is  no  great  affair,  said  he,  after  all, 
thatis  said  or  done.  The  love  of  woman  is  a  natu- 
ral sin,  and  the  holiest  men  in  all  ages  have  been 
propense  to  this  indulgence.  There  was  Abraham 
that  got  to  bed  to  his  Tn-iid  Hagar,  and  had  a  bastard 
by  her,  whom  he  named  Ishmael.  Joshua,  who 
look  Jericho  by  the  sound  of  ram's  horns,  saved  a 
likely  slut  of  the  name  of  Rahab,  under  a  pretence 
that  she  had  been  civil  to  the  spies  he  had  sent  out, 
but  in  reality  because  he  himself  took  a  fancy  for  her. 
I  need  say  nothing  about  David,  who  wrote  the 
psalms,  and  set  them  to  music ;  and  yet  in  his  old 
days  had  a  girl  to  sleep  with  him.  Human  nature  is 
human  nature  still ;  and  it  is  not  all  the  preaching 
and  praying  on  earth  can  extinguish  it. 

The  clergyman  averred  his  innocence,  and  that 
it  was  that  red-headed  gentleman  himself,  meaning 
Teague,  who  was  in  the  room  first,  and  had  been 
guilty  of  the  outrage.  Teague  was  beginning  to 
make  the  sign  of  the  cross,  and  to  put  himself  into 
an  attitude  of  swearing,  when  the  £)aptain  thinking 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  37 

it  of  no  consequence  who  was  the  person,  put  an 
end  to  the  matter,  by  ordering  Teague  to  bed,  and 
himself  bidding  the  company  good  night. 

The  clergyman  iinding  no  better  could  be  made 
of  it,  took  the  advice  of  the  landlord,  and  retired 
also.  The  landlady  seemed  disposed  to  hush  the 
matter  up,  and  the  maid  went  to  sleep  as  usual. 

It  is  not  tlie  nature  of  the  female  tongue  to  be  si- 
lent. The  landlady,  the  ne::t  day,  could  not  avoid 
informing  her  gossips,  and  even  some  of  her  guests, 
of  what  had  happened  the  preceding  evening  in  her 
house.  The  report,  so  -unfavourable  to  the  clergy- 
man, had  therefore  got  out;  and  coming  to  the  ears 
of  the  consistory,  was  the  occasion  of  calling  him  be- 
fore them,  to  answer  to  the  accusation.  The  cler- 
gyman much  alarmed,  though  conscious  of  inno- 
cence, bethought  himself  of  applying  to  the  Cap- 
tain, to  extort  from  his  waiting-man  a  confession  of 
the  truth,  and  relieve  his  character.  Accordingly, 
having  set  out  on  a  bay  horse  that  he  had,  he  found 
the  Captain,  and  addressed  him  in  the  following 
manner: 

Captain,  said  he,  the  affair  of  that  night  at  the 
tavern,  is  like  to  be  of  serious  consequence  to  me. 
For  though  I  am  as  innocent  as  the  child  unborn, 
yet  the  presumption  is  against  me,  and  I  am  likely 
to  fall  under  church  censure.  It  may  be  sport  to 
you,  but  it  is  a  matter  of  moment  to  me.  Now,  as 
sure  as  God  is  in  heaven,  I  am  innocent ;  and  it  must 
have  been  the  devil,  or  that  red  headed  Irishman  of 
yours,  that  made  the  disturbance. 

The  Captain  gave  him  the  comfort  of  assuring 
him  that  he  might  make  himself  easy  ;  for  be  the 
matter  as  it  might,  he  would  take  care  tlxat  Teague 
, should  assume  it,  and  bear  the  blame.  The  cler- 
Igyman  thanked  him,  declaring  at  the  same. time, 

E,2 


38  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

that  he  would  not  forget  him  in  his  prayers,  Sunday 
or  Saturday,  while  he  had  an  hour  to  live.  The 
Captain,  not  so  much  from  any  mercenary  motive 
of  benefit,  by  his  spiritual  solicitations,  as  from  a  real 
love  of  humanity  and  justice,  had  determined  to  do 
him  essential  service  in  this  affair.  Accordingly, 
when  the  clergyman  had  retired,  calling  Teague  be- 
fore him,  he  began  in  this  manner  :  Teague,  said 
he,  from  what  I  know  of  your  disposition,  I  have  no 
more  doubt  than  I  have  of  my  existence,  that  it  was 
yourself  who  made  that  uproar  with  the  girl  at  the 
tavern  where  we  lodged ;  though  I  could  not  but 
give  you  credit  for  your  presence  of  mind  in  throw- 
ing it  upon  the  clergyman.  But  whether  the  mat- 
ter lies  with  you  or  him,  is  of  no  consequence.  You 
can  take  it  upon  you,  and  lay  up  treasure  in  heaven. 
It  will  be  doing  a  good  vrork;  and  these  people,  you 
may  be  assured,  have  a  considerable  influence  in  the 
other  world.  This  clergyman  can  speak  a  good 
word  for  you  when  you  come  there,  and  let  you  into 
lialf  the  benefit  of  all  the  prayers  he  has  said  on 
earth.  It  will  be  no  harm  to  you,  for  your  charac- 
ter in  this  respect  is  as  bad  as  it  can  well  be. 

Teague  said  he  did  not  care  much ;  but  thought 
the  priest  ought  to  pay  a  little  smart  money  ;  for  it 
v/as  a  thankless  matter  to  do  these  things  for  noth- 
ing. Said  the  Captain,  these  people  are  not  the 
most  plenty  of  money ;  but  I  will  advance  half  a 
crown  towards  the  accommodation.  Teague  was 
satisfied,  and  ready  to  acknowledge  whatever  was 
demanded  of  him. 

Accordingly,  having  come  before  the  presbytery 
-on  the  day  appointed  for  the  trial,  Teague  made 
confession  of  the  truth,  viz.  That  being  in  the  kitch- 
en with  the  girl,  and  observing  her  to  be  a  good 
looking  hussy 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  39 

But  suppose  we  give  the  speech  in  his  own  dia- 
lect:...Master  prastes,  said  he,  I  persave  you  are 
all  prastes  of  the  gosple,  and  can  prach  as  asily  as 
I  can  talve  a  chaw  of  tobacco.  Now  de  trut  of  de 
story  is  dis;  I  was  slaping  in  my  bed,  and  I  tought 
vid  myself  it  was  a  shame  amongst  christian  paple 
that  a  young  crature  should  slape  by  herself,  and 
have  no  one  to  take  care  of  her.  So  I  tought  vid  my- 
self, to  go  and  slape  vid  her.  But  as  she  was  aslape, 
she  made  exclamation,  and  dis  praste  that  is  here 
before  you,  came  in  to  save  her  shoul  from  the  de-^ 
vil ;  and  as  the  Captain  my  master,  might  take  of- 
fence, and  the  devil,  I  am  shartain  that  it  was  no 
better  person,  put  it  into  my  head  to  lay  it  on  the 
praste.  This  is  the  trut  master  prastes,  as  I  hope 
for  shalvation  in  the  kingdom  of  purgatory,  shen tie- 
men. 

On  this  confession,  the  clergyman  was  absolved, 
to  the  great  joy  of  the  presbytery,  who  considered 
it  as  a  particular  providence  that  the  truth  was 
brought  to  light. 


40       MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  IX, 


CONTAINING    REFLECTIONS. 

IT  must  appear  from  the  incidenl  at  the  pub- 
lic house,  with  what  caution  presumptive  testimony- 
is  to  be  admitted.  Our  criminal  law  admits  it,  but 
lays  it  down  as  a  rule,  that  it  be  admitted  with  cau- 
tion. There  is  what  is  called  violent  presumption ; 
that  is,  where  such  circumstances  exist,  as  usually 
attend  the  fact.  Presumptive  proof  of  this  nature 
is  held  sufficient  to  convict.  I  doubt  much,  whether 
reason  or  experience  approve  the  doctrine.  Reason 
tells  us,  that  there  may  be  all  the  circumstances  that 
usually  attend  the  fact,  and  yet  without  the  fact  itself. 
Experience  evinces  that  it  has  been  the  case ;  for 
we  have  heard  of  persons  convicted  of  a  capital  of- 
fence ;  and  yet  with  their  last  breath  asserting  inno- 
cence. Nay,  in  the  case  of  some  vrho  have  been 
convicted  of  homicide,  the  persons  who  have  been 
supposed  to  have  been  murdered,  have  afterwards 
been  found  alive. 

But  on  abstract  principles,  a  conclusion  of  certainty 
cannot  be  drawn  from  presumptive  proof.  Because 
in  cases  of  the  most  violent  presumption,  there  is 
■still  a  possibility  of  innocence;  and  where  there  is  a 


MODERN  CHIVALRY,  41 

possibility, there  must  be  a  doubt;  and  will  you  hang 
man,  woman,  or  child,  where  there  is  a  doubt. 

In  all  cases  there  ought  to  be  complete  proof;  be- 
vcause  the  convicted  person  is  to  be  completely  pu- 
nished ;  and  the  jury,  previous  to  this,  must  make 
complete  oath  of  the  guilt. 

It  is  the  ground  of  the  doctrine  of  presumptive 
,proof,  that  where  you  cannot  help  suspecting,  you 
ought  to  be  positive;  whereas  the  just  conclusion 
would  be,  that  where  you  cannot  help  suspecting, 
there  you  ought  to  suspect  still,  but  no  more." 

It  would  be  a  curious  question  in  arithmetic  hovr 
many  uncertainties  make  a  certainty  ?  In  mathema- 
tics, the  three  angles  of  a  triangle,  a.re  equal  to  two 
right  angles.  But  these  are  all  angles,  that  are  put 
together;  that  is,  they  are  things  of  the  same  kind, 
but  the  greatest  angle,  and  the  longest  side  will  ne- 
ver make  a  triangle,  because  there  is  no  inclusion  of 
space.  There  must  be  a  number  of  things  of  the 
■same  kind  to  make  an  aggregate  whole;  so  that  ten 
thousand  possibilities,  probabilities,  and  violent  pre- 
sumptions, can  never  constitute  a  certainty. 

Presumptive  proof,  like  the  seini  plena  probatio  of 

'the  Roman  law,  going  but  half-way  towards  proof, 

can  never  amount  to  proof  at  all.     For,  as  the  say- 

•  ing  is,  a  miss  is  as  good  as  a  mile.  I  would,  there- 
;  fore,  recommend  to  all  jurors,  to  take  care  that  un- 
,  less  the  Avitnesses  swear  positively  to  the  fact,  they 
I  do  not  find  a  verdict,  guilty ;  because,  as  the  current 
I  cannot  rise  higher  than  the  source,  so  the  verdict  of 

the  juror  ought  not  to  be  more  absolute  than  the  oath 
Ijof  the  witness.     In  all  cases,  therefore,  short  of  po- 

*  sitive  testimony,  acquit. 

These  hints  may  also  be  of  service  to  young  at- 
tornies,  and  weak  judges ;  so  that  honest  people  may 
Mot  lose  their  lives,  or  be  rendered  infamous,  without; 


42  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

full  proof  of  the  offence.  It  is  hard  enough  to  suffer 
when  there  is  full  proof;  but  to  be  in  the  power  of  .a 
juror's  or  a  judge's  imagination,  comparing  and  con- 
struing circumstances,  and  weighing  possibilities, 
contingencies,  and  what  might  have  been,  or  what 
might  not  have  been,  as  the  humour,  caprice,  wheel, 
or  whim  of  the  brain  may  suggest,  is  inconsistent 
with  that  fair  trial  which,  in  a  free  government,  ought 
to  be  enjoyed.  Was  I  a  judge  or  juror,  no  one  v/ould 
I  condemn  without  positive  testimony  of  the  fact.... 
For  it  would  not  be  in  my  poAver  to  restore  that  fame 
or  life  which  I  took  away  from  the  innocent.  And 
if  a  guilty  person  should  escape,  it  was  none  of  my 
look  out;  but  the  business  of  Providence  to  furnish 
proof,  if  it  was  intended  that  man  should  punish ;  and 
if  proof  is  not  furnished,  let  Providence  take  the  mat- 
ter on  himself,  and  punish  the  culprit  either  in  this 
life  or  in  a  future  state.  Invisible  things  belong 
the  Omniscient;  and  it  would  seem  great  arroganc 
in  man  to  take  upon  him  to  decide  in  cases  of  uncer 
tainty.  I  hope,  therefore,  yet  to  see  the  doctrine 
presumptive  proof,  in  criminal  cases,  wholly, 
courts  of  justice,  discountenanced.  I  can  declare, 
that  in  the  course  of  my  experience  at  the  bar,  I  have 
Jhad  one  hung,  and  several  others  witliin  an  ace  of  it, 
who  were  innocent;  and  this  on  the  doctrine  of  pre- 
sumption and  probability.  The  one  that  was  hung 
was  a  tory  case,  where  the  popular  clamour  was 
against  the  man;  and  light  presumption  became  vio- 
lent, under  such  a  charge. 

I  shall  say  no  more  on  this  subject;  because  it 
seems  to  me  that  I  have  been  affecting  to  speak 
sense,  whereas  my  business  is  to  speak  nonsense; 
this  being  the  only  way  to  keep  out  of  the  reach  of 
criticism ;  because  critics  can  say  no  more  than  you 
3'ourself  allow ;  so  that  a  charge  of  nonsense  canuo^ 


Lt- 

isJj 
tol 

I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  *S 

fiurt.  It  is  thus  that  persons  who  have  a  long  nose, 
or  disproportion  of  some  other  feature,  take  the 
laugh  upon  themselves  first,  and  so  escape  ridicule^ 
The  truth  is,  I  will  not  give  myself  the  trouble  to 
write  sense  long.  For  1  would  as  soon  ple?.se  fools  as 
wise  men ;  because  the  fools  are  the  most  numerous, 
and  every  prudent  man  will  go  with  the  majority.  I 
shall  returu  to  the  adventures  of  the  Captain^ 


44  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  X. 


THE  Presbytery  sat  a  day  or  two  at  this 
place,  on  church  affairs,  and  the  Captain  remaining 
with  them,  lodged  at  the  same  house ;  Teague,  in  the 
mean  time,  having  an  opportunity  of  ingratiating 
himself  with  the  clergymen,  by  rubing  down  their 
horses,  and  other  menial  services.  For  it  is  the  na- 
tional character  of  the  aboriginal  Irish,  to  give  fair 
words ;  and  Teague  was  not  deficient  in  this  address. 
What  with  master  Prasting,  and  giving  a  great  deal 
of  what  is  called  blarney,  he  insinuated  himself  into 
their  good  graces ;  and  by  affecting,  now  and  then, 
to  be  seen  at  prayers  by  himself,  and  to  have  a  sor- 
rowful countenance,  he  induced  them  to  believe  that 
he  was  in  the  first  stage  of  conviction,  and  likely  to 
become  a  pious  man.  Having  made  this  progress  in 
their  good  opinion,  he  ventured  to  suggest  what  was 
the  ultimate  object  of  his  ambition,  viz.  the  being  a 
candidate  for  holy  orders.  The  Presbytery,  to  whom 
the  matter  was  represented  by  the  individuals  more 
particularly  acquainted  with  him,  thought  favourably 
of  the  proposition.  For  though  his  common  attain- 
ments might  not  be  great,  yet  if  the  grace  of  God 
had  wrought  upon  him,  he  might  become  a  valua- 
ble man. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  45 

The  Captain  having  got  a  hint  of  this,  took  the 
I  first  opportunity  of  addressing  the  Presbytery.  Gen- 
'  tlemen,  said  he,  you  are  deceived  in  this  ragamuffin. 
For,  notwithstanding  all  the  pretensions  he  may  late- 
ly have  to  reli;;ion,  you  may  be  well  assured  that  it 
is  all  hypocrisy,  and  that  he  has  no  Aore  religion 
than  my  horse. 

The  Presbytery  suspecting  the  Captain  to  be  a  car- 
nal man,  and  regardless  of  the  ministry?  gave  little 
heed  to  what  he  said,  and  seemed  disposed  to  take 
Teag;ue  upon  trials. 

The  Captain  finding  the  case  to  stand  thus,  and 
that  in  spite  of  all  he  could  do,  he  was  likely  to  lose 
his  servant,  took  his  usual  method  of  addressing  the 
hopes  and  fears  of  Teague  himself. 

Takin:^;  him  aside,  he  be  :,an,  with  all  possible  art, 
to  impress  such  fears  and  apprehensions,  as  the  na- 
ture of  the  case  su  sgested.  Tea,.ue,  said  he,  do  you 
know  what  you  are  about?  You  have  got  into  your 
vagaries  once  more.  You  want  to  preach,  do  you? 
Are  yon  apprised  of  the  difficulty  of  this  work?  The 
first  thiny;  you  will  have  to  do,  is  to  take  a  text ;  and 
when  that  is  done,  you  have  to  split  it  into  parts.... 
There  are  what  are  called  heads ;  and  these  you  must 
divide  into  firstlys,  and  secondlys,  and  thirdlys,  and 
fourthlys,  and  so  on,  till  you  come  to  twentietlilys, 
perhaps.  Are  you  furnished  with  a  concordance?  or 
do  you  know  what  a  concordance  is  ?  Can  you  find  a 
V  text  to  suit  your  purpose  Avhen  you  want  it?  Can  you 
explain  the  scriptures;  the  meaning  of  Daniel's  ram 
and  the  he-goat,  or  the  seven  trumpets  in  the  Reve- 
■  lations?  You  are  mistaken  if  you  think  your  Irish 
will  pass  for  Hebrew. 

You  think  it  a  great  honour  to  preach,  do  you  ?  It 
>,  as  an  honour  once ;  but  the  thing  is  now  become 

VOL.   I.  F 


4^i  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

so  common,  that  it  is  of  little  consequence  to  preach 
or  not. 

But  do  you  know  how  it  vrill  behove  you  to  con^ 
duct  yourself,  if  you  take  this  office  upon  you.  You 
will  have  to  compose  the  muscles  of  your  face  to 
.^rreater  seriousness  than  your  disposition  can  afTord. 
You  must  quit  whorinr^;.  How  will  you  like  that, 
Tea^ue.  It  would  look  very  ill  after  sermon  to  be 
catched  in  bed  with  a  girl  at  a  tavern. 

But  do  you  know  why  these  men  are  so  anxious  to 
have  you  of  their  mess?  The  truth  of  the  matter  is, 
they  carry  on  a  war  v.ith  tlie  devil,  and  they  wish  to 
recruit  you  for  the  service.  Do  they  J^ive  you  any 
bounty-money.  I  am  afraid,  there  will  be  but  little 
of  this  going.  Take  my  advice  then,  and  let  them 
settle  their  own  quarrels.  It  is  a  silly  thin^  to  be 
drawn  into  a  party,  when  there  is  but  little  to  be  e  ot 
by  it ;  Nay  worse  than  little :  For  it  will  be  all  on  the 
other  sidcr  Think  you  the  devil  will  forget  the  mis- 
chief you  do  him  in  this  world,  and  not  resent  it 
when  he  com.es  across  you  in  a  future  state?  When 
you  are  preaching  and  praying,  do  you  think  he  will 
not  hear  all  that  you  throw  out  against  him.  You 
may  rely  upon  it,  there  will  be  enough  to  give  him 
information;  and  as  a  story  never  loses  in  the  tell- 
ing, it  is  ten  to  one  they  will  make  thefrnatter  worse 
than  it  was.  Take  my  adviccv'ther^fore,  and  make 
no  enemies  while  you  can  help  it.  Steer  through 
life  as  smoothly  as  possible.  Keep  a  good  tongue 
in  your  mouth,  and  let  those  who  chuse  to  dispute 
with  Eelzebub,  dispute.  I  never  knew  any  good 
come  of  broils  and  quarrels,  especially  with  low 
characters.  And,  to  say  the  truth  of  it,  this  Satan, 
as  they  call  him,  is  but  a  low  fellow.  Even  where 
he  is  well  disposed,  he  will  do  but  little  good  to  one  ^ 
but  a  most  dangerous  creature  where  he  takes  a  dis- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER.  H. 


DELAYING  some  time  in  a  village,  there 
Avas  a  great  deal  said  about  a  certain  Miss  Vapour, 
who  was  the  belle  of  the  place.  Her  father  had 
made  a  fortune  by  the  purchase  of  public  securities. 
A  garrison  having  been  at  this  place,  and  troops 
quartered  here  he  had  been  employed  as  an  issumg 
x:ommissary  l  When  the  commission'^rs  sat  to  adjust 
unliquidated  claims  he  had  a  good  deal  in  his  pow^ 
er.  by  vouching  for  the  accounts  of  the  butcher  and 
baker  and  wood-cutter  and  water-drawer  and  wag- 
goner, and  otliers  of  all  occupations  whatsoever, 
whose  claims  were  purchased  by  himself  in  the 
mean  time  and  when  the  certificates  issued  in  their 
names,  they  were  to  his  use.  The  butcher  and  baker, 
no  doubt,  long  before  had  been  paid  out  of  the  flesh 
killed  or  bread  baked ;  because  it  is  a  good  maxim, 
and  a  scriptural  expression-  '■'■  Muzzle  not  the  ox 
that  treadeth  out  the  corn."  But  the  public  has  a 
broad  back,  and  a  little  vouching  by  a  person  inte- 
rested is  not  greatly  felt.  These  certificates  though 
at  first  of  little  value,  and  issued  by  the  commission- 
ers with  the  liberality  of  those  who  give  what  is  of 
little  worth,  yet  by  the  funding  acts  of  the  govern- 
ment, having  become,  in  value,  equal  to  gold  and 


54  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

silver,  the  commissary  had  a  great  estate  th^o^vn 
upon  him;  so  that  from  low  beginnings  he  had  be- 
come d  man  of  fortune  and  consequence.  His  fa- 
mily, and  especially  the  eldest  daughter,  shared  the 
advantage ;  for  she  had  become  the  object  of  almost 
all  wooers.  The  Captain,  thou  .h  an  old  batchelor, 
as  we  have  said-  had  not  wholly  lost  the  idea  ot  ma- 
trimony. Happening  to  be  in  a  circle  one  evening, 
Avhere  Miss  Vapour  was,  he  took  a  liking  to  her,  in 
all  respects  save  one,  which  waS;  that  she  seemed, 
on  her  part,  to  have  taken  a  liking  to  a  certain  Mr. 
Jacko  who  was  there  present ;  and  to  whose  attention 
she  discovered  a  facility  of  acquiescence.  The  Cap- 
tain behaved:  for  the  present  as  if  he  did  not  observe 
the  preference  ;  but  the  following  day  waiting  on  the 
young  lady  at  her  father's  house,  he  drew  her  into 
conversation,  and  began  to  reason  with  her  in  the 
following  manner : 

Miss  Vapour,  said  he,  you  are  a  young  lady  of 
great  beauty,  great  sense,  and  fortune  still  greater 
than  either. ...This  was  a  sad  blunder  in  a  man  of 
gallantry,  but  the  lady  not  being  of  the  greatest  sen- 
sibility of  nerve,  did  not  perceive  it On  my  part, 

said  he,  I  am  a  man  of  years,  but  a  man  of  some  re- 
flection ;  and  it  would  be  much  more  adviseable  in 
you  to  trust  my  experience,  and  the  mellowness  of 
my  disposition  in  a  state  of  matrimony,  than  the 
vanity  and  petulence  of  this  young  fop  Jacko,  for 
whom  you  shew  a  partiality.  The  colour  coming 
into  the  young  lady's  face  at  this  expression,  she 
withdrew,  and  left  him  by  himself.  The  Captain, 
struck  with  the  rudeness,  withdrew  also,  and,  calling 
Teague  from  the  kitchen,  mounted  his  horse  and  set 
off. 

The  next  morning  shortly  after  he  had  got  out  of 
bed,  and  had  just  come  dovm  stairs  at  his  lodging, 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  4^ 

totally  disreo;arded  and  thrown  out?  Because  when 
human  gifts  or  acquirements  are  absent,  that  which 
is  supernatural  more  evidently  appears. 

Do  not  Quakers,  and  Methodists,  and  Baptists, 
preach  very  well  ?  At  any  rate,  they  do  a  great  deal 

of  good,  and  that  is  the  first  object  of  preaching 

Whether  such  sermonists,  avail  themselves  most  of 
sense  or  sound,  I  v/ill  not  say ;  but  so  it  is  they  do 
good ;  and  that  without  the  aid  of  any  human  learn- 
ing whatever. 

It  is  very  true,  tlxat  formerly  in  the  infancy  of  the 
church,  a  knowledge  of  languages  and  sciences,  mi.c;ht 
be  requisite.  But  the  case  is  quite  altered  now.  The 
Scripture  has  been  well  explained,  and  frequently 
preached  over ;  every  text  and  context  examined?  and 
passages  illustrated.  The  Hebrew  roots,  so  to  speak, 
have  been  all  dug  up ;  and  there  is  scarcely  a  new 
etymology  to  be  made.  Are  there  any  new  doc- 
trines to  discover?  I  should  think  it  impossible.  At 
any  rate,  I  should  conceive  it  unnecessary.  There 
are  enough  in  all  conscience :  The  inventing  more, 
would  be  like  bringing  timber  to  a  wood,  or  coals  to 
Newcastle. 

This  being  the  case,  I  feel  myself  disposed  to  agree 
with  those  who  reject  human  learning  in  religious 
matters  altogether.  More  especially  as  science  is 
really  not  the  fashion  at  the  present  time.  For  as 
has  been  before  seen,  even  in  the  very  province  of 
science  itself,  it  is  dispensed  with;  that  of  natural 
philosophy,  for  instance.  In  state  affairs,  ignorance 
does  very  well,  and  why  not  in  church?  I  am  for 
having  all  things  of  a  piece ;  ignorant  statesmen,  ig- 
norant philosophers,  and  ignorant  ecclesiastics.  On 
this  principle,  Teague  might  have  done  very  well  as 
a  preacher.  But  the  selfishness  of  the  Captain  pra- 
yailed,  and  obstructed  his  advancement. 


50  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


BOOK  IL 


CHAPTER  I. 


<:ONTAIXING  PRELIMINARY  OBSERVATIONS. 

I  AM  very  happy  in  the  composition  of  this 
work ;  for  though  but  of  a  trifling  nature  as  to  senti- 
ment ;  yet,  in  what  I  do  write,  no  one  can  attribute 
to  me  the  least  tincture  of  satire,  or  ridicule  of  indi- 
viduals or  public  bodies.  This  is  what  I  very  much 
dislike  in  others,  and  would  be  far  from  indulging  in 
myself.  I  acknov/ledge,  that  in  my  earlier  years, 
and  in  the  course  of  my  academical  studies,  I  had 
contracted  some  taste,  and  even  habit,  this  way; 
owing  to  my  reading  the  dialogues  of  Lucian,  in  the 
original  Greek.  Had  I  read  them  in  a  translation, 
they  might  have  made  less  impression.  But  by 
means  of  a  difficult  language,  studying  them  slowly, 
the  turn  of  thought  became  more  deeply  impressed 
upon  my  mind.  Moreover,  afterwards,  when  I  came 
to  have  some  accjuaintance  with  the  modern  v/it!5^ 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  51 

'  such  as^  Cervantes,  Le  Sage,  and  especially  Swift,  I 
found  myself  still  more  inclined  to  an  ironical,  and 
ludicrous  way  of  thinking  and  writing.  But  finding 
the  bad  effects  of  this,  in  many  respects,  leading  me 
into  broils  with  individuals  and  rendering  me  obnox- 
ious to  public  bodies,  I  saw  the  indiscretion;  and  bad 
policy  of  such  indulgence ;  and  have  for  several  years 
past,  carefully  avoided  every  thing  of  this  kind.  It 
is  indeed  acting  but  a  poor  part  in  life,  to  make  a 
business  of  laughing  at  the  follies  of  others.  It  is 
injurious  to  one's  self;  for  there  is  a  great  deal  more 
to  be  gained  by  soothing  and  praising  what  men  do, 
than  by  finding  fault  with  them.     It  may  be  said  of 

I  satire,  what  was  said  of  anger  by  some  philosopher, 
It  never  pays  the  service  it  requires.  It  is  your 
scratching,  rum.p-tickling  people^  that  get  into  place 
and  power.  I  never  knev/  any  good  come  of  wit  and 
humour  yet.  They  are  talents  which  keep  the  owner 
down.  For  this  reason,  I  have  taken  care  to  repress 
all  propensity  to  this  vice ;  and  I  believe  I  can  say  it 
with  truth,  that  since  I  have  come  to  the  years  of  a 
man's  understanding,  I  have  carefully  avoided  every 
thing  of  this  nature.  Had  it  not  been  for  this  pru- 
dence, I  should  not  have  been  in  a  fair  way,  as  I 
now  am,  to  be  a  member  of  congress,  or  a  judge  on 
the  bench,  or  governor  of  a  commonwealth,  or  secre- 
tary of  state,  or  any  thing  that  I  may  have  in  view. 
Had  I  remained  an  admirer  of  Rabelais,  or  Sterne, 
or  other  biting,  jeering  writers,  that  I  at  first  met 
with,  I  might  at  this  day  have  been  considered  as  a 
wit  only,  without  the  least  advancement  in  state  af- 
fairs. But  I  would  sooner  see  your  Juniuses,  and 
your  Peter  Pindars,  libelling  kings  and  ministers,  at 
hell,  than  sacrifice  my  interest  to  my  passion,  or  my 
vanity,  by  strokes  of  wit,  which  is  but  another  name 
for  ill-nature. 


5  2  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

In  this  treatise,  which  is  simply  a  relation  of  th« 
adventures  of  an  individual,  I  have  nothing  to  do  with 
strictures  upon  particular  persons,  or  the  affairs  of 
men  in  general,  and  so  have  no  temptation  to  the 
folly  I  have  just  mentioned.  The  reader,  if  any 
body  ever  reads  it,  will  find  nothing  here  but  phi- 
lanthropic and  benevolent  ideas. 

Indeed,  as  it  has  been  known  that  I  was  engaged 
in  Meriting  something,  persons  who  either  took,  or 
pretended  to  take,  some  interest  in  my  affairs,  have 
urged  me  very  much  to  depart  a  little  from  my 
U3ual  way,  and  make  use  of  a  little  irony,  by  way  of 
seasoning  to  the  composition;  for,  in  this  case,  it 
would  be  received  better,  and  procure  more  readers ; 
mankind  being  naturally  delighted  with  ridicule.... 
But  the  truth  was,  I  could  see  nothing  to  be  ironical 
about ;  owing,  perhaps,  to  my  not  being  in  the  habit 
of  looking  for  the  ridiculous,  and  so  having  lost  the 
talent  of  discovering  it.  But  my  resolution  that  I 
had  taken  would  have  fully  preserved,  me  from  such 
a  lapse,  however  numerous  the\objects  of  ridicule 
might  be,  that  presented  tjiemselves.  This  will 
serve  as  an  apology  to 'tl>o^*vvho  have  solicited  me 
on  this  head,  and  relieve  iisS^rom  such  solicitations 
.  for  the  future . 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  47 

Jike.  When  you  go  to  hell,  as  one  day  you  must, 
you  can  expect  but  little  quarter,  after  abusing  him 
in  this  world.  He  will  make  you  squeel  like  a  pig; 
take  you  by  the  throat,  and  i-ick  you  like  a  cat.  His 
very  scullions  will  piss  upon  you,  and  give  you  no 
better  life  than  a  dog  among  their  feet;  while  these 

I  very  clergymen,  that  put  you  forvvard  to  blackguard 

j  for  them,  will  stand  by  laughing  in  their  sleeves  that 

■  you  could  be  such  a  fool. 

I  The  representation  had  the  desired  effect  upon 
Teague,  and  he  thought  no  more  of  the  matte,r. 


f^ 


48  MODERN  CHIVALRY 


CHAPTER  XI. 


OBSERVATIONS. 


THE  application  made  by  Tea-^ue,  to  be  ad- 
mitted to  the  ministry  and  the  simplicity  of  the  ec- 
clesiastics in  listenm.*  to  his..overt\4res  made  a  great 
noise  through  the  neighT;^t^n"iOod ;  in  as  much  as  the 
youn^  man  labour^jd  under  a  want  o^ education,  and 
was  not  qualified  By  theolof  icarreading.  But  I  do 
not  see  v/i!y  it  should  be  titbught  bl^iiable;  provid- 
ed the  matter  wasr.iiot  too  much  hurried  and  hastily 
brou  lit  forv/ard.  For  .give  him  a  little  time  and  he 
miglit  have  been  instructed  to  preach  as  well  as  some 
that  I  m.ysvilf  have  heard  Especially  if  at  first  set- 
ting out,  he  had  confined  himself  to  historical  pas- 
sages of  scripture ;  such  as  the  history  of  Sampson, 
and  Gideon,  and  Barak,  and  the  li-e:  Only  he  must 
have  taken  care  that  in  pronouncing  Barak  with  the 
brogue  upon  his  tongue,  he  did  not  make  it  Burke ; 
for  that  is  a  patronimic  name  of  his  country  and  he 
might  inadvertently  have  fallen  into  this  pronuncia- 
tion. 

I  acknowledge  that  in  the  re-:-:ular  churches  such 
as  that  of  the  Presbyterians  tliere  is  still  kept  up 
some  opinion  of  the  necessity  of  literature.  But  do 
we  not  see  that  with  other  denominations ;  such  as 
the  Quakers,  the  Methodists,  and  Anabaptists,  it  is 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  5.5 

and  was  buttoning  the  knees  of  his  breeches,  a  liglit 
airy  looking  young  man,  with  much  bowing  and  ci- 
vility, entered  the  hall  of  the  public  house,  and  en- 
quiring if  this  was  not  Captain  Farrago  to  whom  he 
had  the  honour  to  address  himself,  and  delivered  him 
a  paper.  On  the  perusal,  it  was  found  to  be  a  chal- 
lenge from  Mr.  Jacko. 

The  fact  was,  that  Miss  Vapour,  in  order  the  more 
to  recommend  herself  to  her  suitor,  had  informed 
him  of  the  language  of  the  Captain^  The  young 
man,  though  he  had  no  great  stomach  for  the  mat- 
ter, yet  according  to  the  custom  of  these  times,  could 
do  no  less  than  challenge.  The  bearer  was  what  is 
called  his  second. 

The  Captain  having  read  the  paper,  and  pausing 
a  while,  said,  Mr.  Second,  for  that  I  take  to  be  your 
stile  and  character,  is  it  consistent  with  reason  or 
common  sense,  to  be  the  aider  or  abettor  of  another 
man's  folly;  perhaps  the  prompter:  for  it  is  no  un- 
common thing  with  persons  to  inflame  the  passions 
of  their  friends,  rather  than  allay  them.  This  young 
woman,  for  I  shall  not  call  her  lady,  from  vanity,  or 
ill-nature,  or  both,  has  become  a  tale-bearer  to  her 
lover,  who,  I  will  venture  to  say,  thanks  her  but  lit- 
tle for  it ;  as  she  has  thereby  rendered  it  necessary 
for  him  to  take  this  step.  You,  in  the  mean  time, 
are  not  blameless,  as  it  became  you  to  have  declined 
the  office,  and  thereby  furnished  an  excuse  to  your 
friend  for  not  complying  with  the  custom.  For  it 
would  have  been  a  sufficient  apology  v/ith  the  lady  to 
have  said,  although  he  was  disposed  to  fight,  yet  he 
could  get  no  one  to  be  his  armour-bearer  or  assistant. 
It  could  have  been  put  upon  the  footing  that  all  had 
such  regard  for  his  life,  that  no  one  would  counte- 
nance him  in  risking  it.  You  would  have  saved  him 
by  this  means,  all  that  uneasiness  which  he  feels  at 


56  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

present,  least  I  should  accept  his  challenge.  I  am 
not  so  unacquainted  with  human  nuture,  as  not  to 
know  how  disagreeable  it  rriust  be  to  thin:,  of  having 
a  pistol  ball  lodged  in  the  groin  or  the  left  breast,  or, 
to  ma.e  the  best  of  it  the  pan  of  the  V.nee  bro  e,  or 
the  nose  cut  off  or  some  wound  less  than  mortal 
given ;  disat.reeable,  especially  to  a  man  in  the  bloom 
of  life,  and  on  the  point  of  marriage  with  a  woman 
to  whose  person  or  fortune  he  has  no  exception.  I 
would  venture  to  say.  therefore,  there  will  tfe  no 
great  cifiicully  in  appeasing  this  Orlando  Furioso, 
that  has  sent  me  the  challenge.  Did  you  '-  now  the 
state  of  liis  mind,  you  would  find  it  to  be  his  wish  at 
this  moment  that  I  would  ease  his  fe.rs  and  make 
some  apology.  A  very  slight  one  would  suffice.  I 
dare  say  his  resentment  against  Miss  Vapour  is  not 
slight,  and  that  be  would  renounce  her  person  and 
fortune  both,  to  get  quit  of  the  duel.  But  the  opi- 
nion of  the  world  is  against  him,  and  he  must  fight. 
Do  you  think  he  has  any  great  gratitude  to  you  for 
your  services  on  this  occasion.  He  had  much  rather 
you  had,  in  the  freedom  of  friendship,  given  him  a 
kick  on  the  bac'side,  when  he  made  application  to 
you;  and  told  him,  that  it  did  not  become  him  to 
C|uarrel  about  a  w^oman,  who  had,  probably,  consulted 
but  her  own  vanity,  in  giving  him  the  information. 
In  that  case,  he  v/ould  have  been  more  pleased  with 
you  a  month  hence,  than  he  is  at  present.  I  do  not 
know  that  he  has  an  overstock  of  sense ;  neverthe- 
less, he  cannot  be  just  such  a  fool,  as  not  to  consider, 
that  you,  yourself,  may  have  pretensions  to  this  belle, 
and  be  disposed  to  have  him.  out  of  the  way  before 
you.  He  must  be  a  fool,  indeed,  if  he  does  not  re- 
flect, that  you  had  much  rather  see  us  fight  than  not; 
from  the  very  same  principle  that  we  ta'  e  delight  in 
seeing  a  cock-match,  or  a  horse-race.     The  specta- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  bT 

cle  is  new,  and  produces  a  brisk  current  of  thought 
through  the  mind ;  which  is  a  constituent  of  pleasure, 
the  absence  of  all  movement  giving  none  at  all. 

What  do  you  suppose  I  must  think  of  you,  Mr. 
Second ;  I,  who  have  read  books,  and  thought  a  little 
on  the  subject ;  have  made  up  my  mind  in  these 
matters,  and  account  the  squires  that  bring  chal- 
lenges from  knights,  as  people  of  but  very  small 
<lesert.  Thinking  men  have  condemned  the  duel, 
and  laws  have  prohibited  it;  but  these  miscreants 
still  keep  it  up,  by  being  the  conductors  of  the  fluid. 
My  indignation,  therefore,  falls  on  such,  and  I  have 
long  ago  iixed  on  the  mode  of  treating  them.  It  is 
this:  a  stout  athletic  man  calls  upon  me,  with  a 
challenge  in  his  hand,  I  knock  him  down,  if  I  can, 
without  saying  a  word.  If  the  natural  arm  be  not 
sufficient  for  this  purpose,  I  avail  myself  of  any  stone, 
wooden,  or  iron  instrument  that  I  cast  my  eye  upon, 
not  just  to  take  away  his  life,  if  I  can  help  it;  but  to 
hit  the  line  as  exactly  as  possible,  between  actual 
homicide,  and  a  very  bad  v*'ound.  For  in  this  case,  I 
should  conceive,  a  battery  would  be  justifiable,  or  at 
least  excuseable,  and  the  fine  not  greats  the  bearing 
a  challenge  being  a  breach  of  the  peace,  in  the  first 
instance.  This  would  be  my  conduct  with  a  stout 
athletic  man,  whom  I  mip;ht  think  it  dangerous  to 
encounter  with  fair  warning,  and  on  equal  terms. 

But  in  the  present  case,  where (Here  the  second 

began  to  shew  signs  of  fear,  raising  himself,  and  in- 
clining backwards,  opening  his  eyes  wider,  and  cast- 
ing a  look  towards  the  door).... where,  continued  the 
Captain,  I  have  to  do  with  a  person  of  your  slender 
make,  I  do  not  adopt  that  surprise,  or  use  an  artificial 
weapon ;  but  with  these  fists,  which  have  been  used 
in  early  life  to  agricultural  employments,  I  shall  very 
deliberately  impress  a  blow.  The  ^econd  rising  to 
VOL.1.  G        'Ar-I 


58  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

his  feet,  began  to  recede  a  little.  Be  under  no  ap- 
prehensions, said  the  Captain ;  I  shall  use  no  unfair 
method  of  biting,  gouging,  or  wounding  the  private 
parts.     Nay,  as  you  appear  to  be  a  young  man  of 

a  delicate  constitution,  I  shall  only  choak  a  little 

You  will  give  me  leave  to  take  you  by  the  throat  in 
as  easy  a  manner  as  possible. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  second  had  been  withdraw- 
ing towards  the  door,  and  the  Captain  with  outstretch- 
ed arms,  in  a  sideway  direction,  proceeding  to  inter- 
cept him.  In  an  instant,  he  was  seized  by  the  neck, 
and  the  exclamation  of  murder  which  he  made  at 
the  first  grasp,  began  to  die  away  in  hoarse  guttural 
murmurs  of  one  nearly  strangled,  and  labouring  for 
breath.  The  Captain  meaning  that  he  should  be  more 
alarmed  than  hurt,  dismissed  him  with  a  salutation 
of  his  foot  on  the  backside,  as  a  claude  ostium^  as  he 
went  out.  You  may  be,  said  he,  a  gentleman  in  the 
opinion  of  the  world ;  but  you  are  a  low  person  in 
mine ;  and  so  shall  it  be  done  to  every  one  who  shaH 
come  upon  such  an  errand. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.       59 


CHAPTER  HI. 


HAVING  thus  dismissed  the  secondary  man, 
he  called  in  his  servant  Teague,  and  accosted  him  as 
follows:  Teague,  said  he,  you  have  heretofore  dis- 
covered an  ambition  to  be  employed  in  some  way 
that  would  advance  your  reputation.  There  is  now 
a  case  fallen  out,  to  which  you  are  fully  competent. 
It  is  not  a  matter  that  requires  the  head  to  contrive, 
but  the  hand  to  execute.  The  greatest  fool  is  as  fit 
for  it  as  a  wise  man.  It  is  indeed  your  greatest 
blockheads  that  chiefly  vmderta'e  it.  The  know- 
ledge of  law,  physic,  or  divinity  is  out  of  the  ques- 
tion. Literature  and  political  understanding  is  use- 
less. Nothing  more  is  necessary  than  a  little  reso- 
lution of  the  heart.  Yet  it  is  an  undertaking  which 
is  of  much  estimation  with  the  rabble,  and  has  a 
great  many  on  its  side  to  approve  and  praise  it. 
The  females  of  the  world,  especially,  admire  the  act, 
and  call  it  valour.  I  know  you  wisli  to  stsaid  well 
with  the  ladies.  Here  is  an  opportunity  of  advvinc- 
ing  your  credit.  I  have  had  what  is  called  a  chal- 
lenge sent  me  this  morning.  It  is  from  a  certain 
Jacko,  who  is  a  suitor  to  a  Miss  Vapour,  and  has  ta- 
ken offence  at  an  expression  of  mine,  respecting  him 
to  this  female.  I  wish  you  to  accept  the  challenge, 
and  fight  him  for  me. 


•:- ^^t,i    'vi^rf^rrff^}-*^;* 


to  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

At  this  proposition,  Teague  looked  wild,  and 
made  apology  that  he  was  not  much  used  to  boxing. 
Boxing,  said  the  Captain ;  you  are  to  fight  what  is 
called  a  duel.  You  are  to  encounter  him  with  pis- 
tols and  put  a  bullet  through  him  if  you  can.  It  is 
true,  he  will  have  the  chance  of  putting  one  through 
you ;  but  in  that  consists  the  honour ;  for  where  there 
is  no  danger,  there  is  no  glory.  You  will  provide 
yourself  a  second.  There  is  an  hostler  here  at  the 
public  house,  that  is  a  brave  fellow,  and  will  answer 
the  purpose.  Being  furnished  with  a  second,  you 
will  provide  yourself  with  a  p?Jr  of  pistols,  powder 
and  bail  of  course.  In  the  mean  time,  your  adver- 
sary notified  of  your  intentions,  will  do  the  like. 
Thus  equipped,  you  will  advance  to  the  place 
agreed  upon.  The  ground  will  be  m.easured  out; 
ten,  seven,  or  five  steps ;  back  to  back,  and  coming 
round  to  your  place,  fire.  Or  taking  your  ground, 
stand  still  and  fire  ;  or  it  may  be,  advance  and  fire  as 
you  meet,  at  what  distance  you  think  proper.  The 
rules  in  this  respect  are  not  fixed,  but  as  the  parties 
can  agree  or  the  seconds  point  out.  ^V  hen  you 
come  to  fire,  be  sure  you  keep  a  steady  hand,  and 
take  good  aim.  Remember  that  the  pistol  barrel 
being  short,  the  powder  is  apt  to  throw  the  bullet  up. 
Your  sight  therefore,  ought  to  be  about  the  waist- 
band of  his  breeches,  so  that  you  have  the  whole 
length  of  his  body,  and  his  head  in  the  bargain,  to 
come  and  go  upon.  It  is  true,  he  in  the  meantime, 
will  take  the  same  advantages  of  you.  He  may  hit 
you  about  the  groin,  or  the  belly.  I  have  kno\\Ti 
some  shot  in  the  thigh,  or  the  leg,  or  the  private 
parts.  The  throat  also,  and  the  head  are  in  them- 
selves vulnerable.  It  is  no  uncommon  thing  to  have 
an  arm  broke,  or  a  splinter  struck  off"  the  nose,  or 
an  eye  shot  out;  but  as  in  that  case,  the  ball  mostly 


F 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


passes  through  the  brain,  and  the  man  being  dead 
at  any  rate,  the  loss  of  sight  is  not  greatly  felt. 

As  the  Captain  spoke,  Teague  seemed  to  feel  in 
liimself,  every  wound  which  was  described,  the  ball 
hitting  him,  now  in  one  part,  and  now  iq  another. 
At  the  last  words,  it  seemed  to  pass  through  his 
head,  and  he  was  half  dead,  in  imagination.  Mak- 
ing a  shift  to  express  himself,  he  gave  the  Captain 
to  understand,  that  he  could  by  no  means  undertake 
the  ofhce.  Whatl  said  the  Captain;  you  whom  no- 
thing would  serve,  some  time  ago,  but  to  be  a  legis- 
lator, or  philosopher,  or  preacher,  in  order  to  gain 
fame,  will  now  detract  a  business  for  which  you  are 
qualified.  This  requires  no  knowledge  of  finances, 
no  reading  of  natural  history,  or  any  study  of  the  fa- 
thers. You  have  nothing  more  to  do  than  keep  a 
steady  hand  and  a  good  eye. 

In  the  early  practice  of  this  exercise  ;  I  mean  the 
combat  of  the  duel,  it  was  customary  to  exact  an 
oath  of  the  combatants,  before  they  entered  the  lists, 
that  they  had  no  enchantments,  or  power  of  witch- 
craft, about  them.  Whether  you  should  think  it 
necessary  to  put  him  to  his  voir  dire,  on  this  point, 
I  shall  not  say ;  but  I  am  persuaded,  that  on  your 
part,  you  have  too  much  honour,  to  make  use  of 
spells,  or  undue  means,  to  take  away  his  life,  or  save 
your  own.  You  will  leave  all  to  the  chance  of  fair 
shooting.  One  thing  you  will  observe,  and  which  is 
allowable  in  this  battle ;  you  will  take  care  not  to 
present  yourself  to  him  with  a  full  breast,  but  angu- 
larly, and  your  head  turned  round  over  the  left 
shoulder,  like  a  weather-cock.  For  thus  a  smaller 
surface  being  presented  to  an  adversary,  he  will  be 
less  likely  to  hit  you.  You  must  throw  your  legs 
into  lines  parallel,  and  keep  them  one  directly  be- 
hind the  other.  Thus  you  will  stand  like  a  sail 
G  2 


62  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

hauled  close  to  the  wind.  Keep  a  good  countenance, 
a  sharp  eye,  and  a  sour  look ;  and  if  you  feel  any  thing 
like  a  cholic,  or  a  palpitation  of  the  heart,  make  no 
noise  about  it.  If  the  ball  should  take  you  in  the 
gills,  or  the  gizzard,  fall  down  as  decently  as  you 
can,  and  die  like  a  man  of  honour. 

It  was  of  no  use  to  urge  the  matter ;  the  Irishman 
was  but  the  more  opposed  to  the  proposition,  and  ut- 
terly refused  to  be  after  fighting  in  any  such  manner. 
The  Captain  finding  this  to  be  the  case,  dismissed 
him  to  clean  his  boots  and  spurs,  and  rub  down  his 
horse  in  the  stable. 


r 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  63 


CHAPTER  IV. 


ON  reflection,  it  seemed  adviseable  to  the  Cap- 
tain to  write  an  answer  to  the  card  which  Colonel  or 
Major  Jacko,  or  whatever  his  title  may  have  been, 
had  sent  him  this  morning.     It  was  as  follows  : 

Sir, 

I  have  two  objections  to  this  duel  matter. 
The  one  is,  lest  I  should  hurt  you;  and  the  other  is, 
lest  you  should  hurt  me.  I  do  not  see  any  good  it 
would  do  me  to  put  a  bullet  through  any  part  of  your 
body.  I  could  make  no  use  of  you  when  dead, for 
any  culinary  purpose,  as  I  would  a  rabbit  or  a  tur- 
key. I  am  no  cannibal  to  feed  on  the  flesh  of  men. 
Why  then  shoot  down  a  human  creature,  of  which 
I  could  make  no  use.  A  buffaloe  would  be  better 
meat.  For  though  your  flesh  might  be  delicate  and 
tender ;  yet  it  wants  that  firmness  and  consistency 
which  takes  and  retains  salt.  At  any  rate  it  would 
not  be  fit  for  long  sea  voyages.  You  might  make  a 
good  barbecue,  it  is  true,  being  of  the  nature  of  a 
racoon  or  an  opossum ;  but  people  are  not  in  the  ha- 
bit of  barbecuing  any  thing  human  now.  As  to  your 
hide,  it  is  not  worth  the  taking  off,  being  little  better 
than  that  of  a  year  old  colt. 


64  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


It  would  seem  to  me  a  strancje  thing  to  shoot  at  a 
man  that  would  stand  still  to  be  shot  at ;  in  as  much 
as  I  have  been  heretofore  used  to  shoot  at  things  Hy^ 
ing,  or  running,  or  jumping.  Were  you  on  a  tree 
now,  like  a  squirrel,  endeavdtiring  to  hide  yourself 
in  the  branches,  or  like  a  racoon,  that  after  much 
eyeing  and  spying  I  observe  at  length  in  the  crotch 
of  a  tall  oak,  with  boughs  and  leaves  intervening,  so 
that  I  could  just  get  a  sight  of  his  hinder  parts,  I 
should  think  it  pleasurable  enough  to  take  a  shot  at 
you.  But  as  it  is,  there  is  no  skill  or  judgment  re- 
quisite either  to  discover  or  take  you  down. 

As  to  myself,  I  do  not  much  like  to  stand  in  the 
way  of  any  thing  that  is  harmful.  I  am  under  ap- 
prehensions you  might  hit  me.  That  being  the 
case,  I  think  it  most  advisable  to  stay  at  a  distance. 
If  you  want  to  try  your  pistols,  take  some  object,  a 
tree  or  a  barn  door  about  my  dimensions.  If  you 
hit  that,  send  me  word,  and  I  shall  acknowledge  that 
if  I  had  been  in  the  same  place,  you  might  also  have 
hit  me. 

J.  F. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.       65 


CHAPTER  V 


CONTAINING    REFLECTIONS. 

THE  Captain  was  a  good  man,  but  unac- 
jquainted  with  the  world.  His  ideas  were  drawn 
chiefly  from  what  may  be  called  the  old  school ;  the 
Greek  and  Roman  notions  of  things.  The  combat 
of  the  duel  was  to  them  unknown.  Though  it  seems 
strange,  that  a  people  who  were  famous  for  almost 
all  arts  and  sciences  should  have  remained  ignorant 
of  its  use.  I  do  not  conceive  how.  as  a  people,  they 
could  exist  without  it.  But  so  it  was,  they  actually 
were  without  the  knowledge  of  it.  For  we  do  not 
!  find  any  trace  of  this  custom  in  the  poets  or  histo- 
I    rians  of  all  antiquity. 

I  do  not  know  at  what  period,  precisely,  the  cus- 
tom was  introduced ;  or  to  whom  it  was  owing ;  but 
I  omitting  this  disquisition  we  content  ourselves  with 
!  observing,  that  it  has  produced  as  great  an  improve- 
I  ment  in  manners,  as  the  discovery  of  the  load-stone, 
!  and  mariner's  compass,  has  in  navigation.  Not  that 
,  I  mean  to  descant,  at  full  length,  on  the  valuable  ef- 
( '^  fects  of  it ;  but  simply  to  observe,  that  it  is  a  greater 
jh  aid  to  government  than  the  alliance  of  church  and 
•    state  itself.     If  Dr.  Warburton  had  had  leisure?  I 


66  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

could  wish  he  had  written  a  treatise  upon  it.  Some 
affect  to  ridicule  it,  as  carrying  to  a  greater  length 
small  differences,  than  the  aggravation  may  justify. 
As  for  instance,  a  man  is  angry  enough  with  you  to 
give  you  a  slap  in  the  face ;  but  the  custom  says, 
he  must  shoot  you  through  the  head.  I  think  the 
smaller  the  aggravation,  the  nicer  the  sense  of  ho- 
nour. The  heaviest  minrl  will  resent  a  gross  affront ; 
but  to  kill  a  man  where  there  is  no  affront  at  all, 
shews  a  great  sensibility.  It  is  immaterial  whether 
there  is  or  is  not  an  injury,  provided  the  world  thinks 
there  is ;  for  it  is  the  opinion  of  mankind  we  are  to 
consult.  It  is  a  duty  which  we  owe  them  to  provide 
for  their  amusement.  A^on  nasscimur  nobis  ipais ; 
we  are  not  born  for  ourselves,  but  for  others.  Deco- 
rum firo  fiatria  mori;  it  is  a  becoming  thing  to  die 
for  one's  country ;  and  shall  it  not  also  be  accounted 
honourable  to  throw  one's  life  a\ray  for  the  enter- 
tainment of  a  few  particular  neighbours  and  ac- 
quaintances. It  is  true,  the  tears  that  will  be  shed 
upon  your  grave,  will  not  make  the  grass  grow ;  but 
you  will  have  the  consolation,  when  you  leave  the 
world,  to  have  fallen  in  the  bed  of  honour. 

It  is  certainly  a  very  noble  institution,  that  of  the 
duel ;  and  it  has  been  carried  to  very  great  perfec- 
tion, in  some  respects.  Nevertheless,  I  would  sub- 
mit it  to  the  public,  vvhether  still  further  improve- 
ment might  not  be  made  in  the  lav/s  and  regulations 
of  it.  For  instance,  could  it  not  be  reduced  nearer 
to  an  equality  of  chances,  by  proportioning  the  cr.- 
liber,  or  bore  of  the  pistol;  the  length  of  the  barrel, 
also,  to  the  size  of  the  duellist  who  holds  it;  or  by 
fixing  the  ratio  of  distance  in  proportion  to  the  bulk 
of  combatants.  To  explain  myself;  When  I  am  to 
fight  a  man  of  a  small  size,  I  ou-ht  to  have  a  longer 
pistol  than  my  adversary j  because  my  mark  is  small- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  67 

er ;  or  I  ougbt  to  be  permitted  to  come  nearer  to  him. 
For  it  is  altogether  unfair  that  men  of  unequal  bulk 
should  fire  at  equal  distances,  and  with  equal  cali- 
bers. The  smaller  size  multiplied  by  the  larger 
space,  or  larger  pistol,  would  equal  the  larger  size 
multiplied  by  the  smaller  space  or  smaller  pistol.... 
If  this  amendment  of  the  duel  laws  should  be  ap- 
proved by  men  of  honour,  let  it  be  added  to  the 
code. 


ll 


68  MODERN  CIHVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


NOT  long  after  this,  being  at  a  certain  place, 
the  Captain  was  accosted  by  a  stranger  in  the  follow- 
ing manner :  Captain,  said  he,  I  have  heard  of  a 
young  man  in  your  service  who  talks  Irish.  Now, 
Sir,  my  business  is  that  of  an  Indian  treaty-maker; 
and  am  on  my  way  with  a  party  of  kings,  and  half-kings 
to  the  commissioners,  to  hold  a  treaty.  My  king  of 
the  Kickapoos,  who  was  a  Welch  blacksmith,  took 
sick  by  the  way,  and  is  dead:  I  have  heard  of  this 
lad  of  yours,  and  could  wish  to  have  him  a  while  to 
supply  his  place.  The  treaty  will  not  last  longer 
than  a  couple  of  weeks;  and  as  the  government  will 
probably  allow  three  or  four  thousand  dollars  for  the 
treaty,  it  will  be  in  our  power  to  make  it  worth  your 
while,  to  spare  him  for  that  time.  Your  king  of  the 
Kickapoos,  said  the  Captain;  what  does  that  mean? 
Said  the  stranger.  It  is  just  this:  you  have  heard  of 
the  Indian  nations  to  the  westward,  that  occasionally 
make  war  upon  the  frontier  settlements.  It  has  been 
a  policy  of  government,  to  treat  with  these,  and  dis- 
tribute goods.  Commissioners  are  appointed  for 
that  purpose.  Now  you  are  not  to  suppose  that  it 
is  always  an  easy  matter  to  catch  a  real  chief,  and 
bring  him  from  the  woods;  or  if  at  some  expence 


MODERN"  CHIVALRY.  &9 

one  was  brought,  the  goods  would  go  to  his  use ; 
whereas,  it  is  much  more  profitable  to  hire  substi- 
tutes and  make  chiefs  of  our  own:  And  as  some  un- 
known gibberish  is  necessary,  to  pass  for  an  Indian 
language,  we  generally  make  use  of  Welch,  or  Low 
Dutch,  or  Irish ;  or  pick  up  an  ingenious  fellow  here 
and  there,  who  can  imitate  a  language  by  sounds  of 
his  own,  in  his  mouth,  and  throat.  But  we  prefer 
one  who  can  speak  a  real  tongue,  and  give  more  for 
him.  We  c?jmot  ailbrd  you  a  great  deal  at  this 
time  for  the  use  of  your  man;  because  it  is  not  a 
general  treaty  where  20,000,  or  30,000  dollars  are 
appropriated  for  the  purpose  of  holding  it ;  but  an 
occasional,  or  what  we  call  a  running  treaty,  by  way 
of  brightening  the  chain,  and  holding  fast  friendship. 
The  commissioners  will  doubtless  be  glad  to  see  us, 
and  procure  from,  government  an  allowance  for  the 
treaty.  For  the  more  treaties,  the  more  use  for  com- 
missioners. The  business  must  be  kept  up,  and  trea- 
ties made  if  there  are  none  of  themselves.  My  Pi- 
anksha,  and  Choctaw  chiefs,  are  very  good  fcllov/s; 
the  one  of  them  a  Scotch  pedlar  that  talks  the  Else; 
the  other  has  been  some  tim.e  in  Canada,  and  has  a 
little  broken  Indian,  God  knows  what  language ;  but 
has  been  of  great  service  in  assisting  to  teach  the 
rest  some  Indian  custom  and  manners.  I  have  had 
the  whole  of  them  for  a  fortnight  past  under  my  tui- 
tion, teaching  them  war  songs  and  dances,  and  to 
make  responses  at  the  treaty.  If  your  man  is  tract- 
able, I  can  make  him  a  Kickapoo  in  about  nine  day/s. 
A  breech-clout  and  leggins,  that  I  took  off  the  black- 
smith that  died,  I  have  ready  to  put  on  him.  He  must 
have  part  of  his  head  shaved,  and  painted,  with  fea- 
thers on  his  crown;  but  the  paint  will  rub  off,  and  the 
hair  grow  in  a  short  time,  so  that  he  can  go  about 
with  you  agam. 

YOL.   I.  H 


70  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

It  is  a  very  strange  affair,  said  the  Captain.  Is  it 
possible  that  such  deception  can  be  practised  in  a 
new  country.  It  astonishes  me,  that  the  government 
does  not  detect  such  imposition.  The  government, 
said  the  Indian  treaty-man,  is  at  a  great  distance.  It 
knows  no  more  of  Indians  than  a  cow  does  of  Greek. 
The  legislature,  hears  of  wars  and  rumours  of  wars, 
and  supports  the  executive  in  forming  treaties.... 
How  is  it  posssible  for  men  who  live  remote  from 
the  scene  of  action,  to  hare  adequate  ideas  of  the  na- 
ture of  Indians,  or  the  transactions  that  are  carried 
on  in  their  behalf?  Do  you  think  the  one  half  of 
ihose  savages  that  come  to  treat,  are  real  represen- 
tatives of  the  nation  ?  Many  of  them  are  not  savages 
at  all ;  but  weavers,  and  pedlars,  as  I  have  told  you, 
picked  up  to  make  kings  and  chiefs.  I  speak  of  those 
particularly  that  come  trading  down  to  inland  towns, 
or  the  metropolis.  I  would  not  communicate  these 
mysteries  of  our  trade,  were  it  not  that  I  confide  in 
your  good  sense,  and  have  occasion  for  your  servant. 

It  is  a  mystery  of  iniquity,  said  the  Captain.  Do 
you  suppose  that  I  would  countenance  such  a  fraud 
upon  the  public?  I  do  not  know,  said  the  other;  it  is 
a  very  common  thing  for  men  to  speculate,  now  a- 
days.  If  you  will  not,  another  will.  A  hundred  dol- 
lars might  as  well  be  in  your  pocket  as  another  man's. 
I  will  give  you  that  for  the  use  of  your  sen^ant,  for 
a  week  or  two,  and  say  no  more  about  it.  It  is  an 
idea  new  to  me  entirely,  said  the  Captain,  that  In- 
AVian  princes,  whom  I  have  seen  escorted  down  as 
such,  were  no  more  than  trumpery,  disguised,  as  you 
mention;  that  such  should  be  introduced  to  polite 
assemblies,  and  have  the  honour  to  salute  the  fair 
ladies  with  a  kiss,  the  greatest  beauties  thinking 
themselves  honoured  by  having  the  salution  of  a  so- 
vereign? It  is  so,  said  the  other ;  I  had  a  red  headed 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  Th 

bricklayer  once,  whom  I  passed  for  a  Chippav/aw ; 
and  who  has  dined  with  clubs,  and  sat  next  the  Pre- 
sident. He  was  blind  of  an  eye,  and  was  called 
blind  Sam  by  the  traders.  I  had  given  it  out  that 
he  was  a  great  warrior,  and  ha.d  lost  his  eye  by  an 
arrow,  in  a  contest  with  a  rivgil  nation.  These  things 
are  now  reduced  to  a  system ;  and  it  is  so  v/cll  known 
to  those  wiio  are  engaged  in  the  trainc,  that  we  think 
nothing  of  it. 

Hov\^  the  devil,  said  the  Captain,  do  you  get 
speeches  made,  and  interpret  them  so  as  to  pass  for 
truth.  That  is  an  easy  matter,  said  the  other;  In- 
dian speeches  are  nearly  all  alike.  You  have  only  to 
talk  of  burying  hatches  under  large  trees,  kindling 
fires,  brightening  chains ;  with  a  demand,  at  the  lat- 
ter end,  of  blankets  for  the  backside,  and  rum  to  get 
drunk  with. 

I  much  doubt,  -said  the  Captain,  whether  treaties 
that  are  carried  on  in  earnest,  are  of  any  great  use. 
Of  none  at  all,  said  the  other;  especially  as  the  prac- 
tice of  giving  goods  prevails ;  because  this  is  an  in- 
ducement to  a  fresh  v/ar.  This  being  the  case,  it 
can  be  no  harm  to  make  a  farce  of  the  whole  mat- 
ter; or  rather  a  profit  of  it;  by  such  means  as  I  pro- 
pose to  you,  and  have  pursued  myself. 

After  all,  said  the  Captain,  I  cannot  but  consider 
it  as  a  kind  of  contraband  and  illicit  traffic;  and  I 
must  be  excused  from  having  any  hand  in  it,  I  shall 
not  betray  your  secret,  but  I  shall  not  favour  it.  It 
would  ill  become  me,  whose  object  in  riding  about 
in  this  manner,  is  to  give  just  ideas  on  subjects,  to 
-take  part  in  such  ill-gotten  gain. 

The  Indian  treaty-man  finding  it  in  vain  to  say 
-more,  withdrew. 


rs       MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  Vn, 


THE  Captain  apprehe'nding  that  he  might" 
not  yet  drop  his  designs  upon  the  Irishman,  but  be 
tampering  with  him  out  of  doors,  should  he  come 
across  him,  sent  for  Teague.  For  he  well  knew, 
that  should  the  Indian  treaty -man  get  the  first  word 
of  him,  the  idea  of  making  him  a  king,  would  turn 
his  head,  and  it  would  be  impossible  to  prevent  his 
going  with  him. 

Teague  coming  in,  said  the  Captain  to  him; 
Teague,  I  have  discovered  in  you,  for  some  time 
past,  a  great  spirit  of  ambition,  which  is,  doubtless, 
-commendable  in  a  young  person ;  and  I  have  check- 
ed it  only  in  cases  v/here  there  was  real  danger,  or 
apparent  mischief.  There  is  now  an  opportunity  of 
advancing  yourself,  not  so  much  in  the  way  of  honour 
as  profit.  But  profit  brings  honour,  and  is,  indeed, 
the  most  substantial  support  of  it.  There  has  been 
a  man  here  witli  me,  that  carries  on  a  trade  with  the 
Indians,  and  tells  me  that  red-headed  scalps  are  in 
great  demand  with  them.  If  you  could  spare  yours, 
he  Avould  give  a  good  price  for  it.  I  do  not  well 
knov,'  what  use  they  make  of  this  article,  but  so  it  is, 
the  traders  find  their  account  in  it.  Probably  they 
dj-ess  it  with  the  hairy  side  out,  and  make  tobacco- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  7i 

,  ouches  for  the  chiefs,  when  they  meet  in  council. 
■  i  saves  dyeing,  and  besides,  the  natural  red  hair  of 
:a  man,  may,  in  their  estimation,  be  superior  to  any 
colour  they  can  give  by  art.  The  taking  off  the 
.  scalp  will  not  give  much  pain,  it  is  so  dextrously 
done  by  them  with  a  crooked  knife  they  have  for 
that  purpose.  The  mode  of  taking  oif  the  scalp  is 
this ;  you  lie  down  upon  your  back ;  a  warrior  puts 
his  feet  upon  your  shoulders,  collects  your  hair  fn 
his  left  hand,  and  drawing  a  circle  v/ith  the  knife  i.'^ 
his  right,  makes  the  incision,  and,  with  a  sudde?- 
pull,  separates  it  from  the  head,  giving,  in  the  mean 
time,  what  is  called  the  scalp  yell.  The  thing 
is  done  in  such  an  instant,  that  the  pain  is  scarcely 
felt.  He  offered  me  an  hundred  dollars,  if  I  would 
have  it  taken  off  for  his  use,  giving  me  directions, 
in  the  mean  time,  how  to  stretch  it  and  dry  it  on  a 
hoop.  I  told  him.  No;  it  was  a  perquisite  of  your 
•own,  and  you  might  dispose  of  it  as  you  thought 
proper.  If  you  choose  to  dispose  of  it,  I  had  no  ^ob- 
jections ;  but  the  bargain  should  be  of  your  own 
making,  and  the  price  such  as  should  please  your- 
self. I  have  sent  for  you,  to  give  you  a  hint  of  this 
chapman,  that  you  may  have  a  knowledge  of  his  wish 
to  possess  the  property,  and  ask  accordingly.  It  is 
probable  you  may  bring  him  up  to  a  half  Johannes 
more,  by  holding  out  a  little.  But  I  do  not  think  it 
would  be  adviseable  to  lose  the  bargain.  An  hundred 
dollars  for  a  little  hairy  flesh,  is  a  great  deal.  You 
will  trot  a  long  time  before  you  make  that  with  me. 
He  will  be  with  you  probably  to  propose  the  pur- 
chase. You  will  know  when  you  see  him.  He  is  a 
tall  looking  man,  with  leggins  on,  and  has  several 
-Indians  with  him  going  to  a  treaty.  He  talked  to 
me  something  of  makiny:  you  a  king  of  the  Kicka.- 
^oos,  after  the  scalp  is  off;  but  I  would  not  count-pa 


74  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

that  so  much  ;  because  words  are  but  wind,  and  pro- 
mises are  easily  broken.  I  would  advise  you  to 
make  sure  of  the  money  in  the  first  place,  and  take 
chance  for  the  rest. 

I  have  seen  amon.:^  the  prints  of  Hogarth,  some 
such  expression  of  countenance -as  that  of  Teague  at 
this  instant ;  who,  as  soon  as  he  could  speak-,  but  with 
a  double  brogue  on  his  tongue,  began  to  intimate  his 
disinclination  to  the  traffic.  The  hair  of  his  scalp 
itself,  in  the  mean  time  had  risen  in  opposition  to  it. 
Dear  master?  vid  you  trow  me  into  ridicule,  and  the 
blessed  shalvation  of  my  lifc,  and  all  dat  I  have  in 
the  vorld:  to  be  trown  like  a  dog  tode  savages,  and 
have  my  flesh  tarn  of  my  head  to  give  to  dese  vild 
bastes  to  make  a  napsack  to  carry  their  parates  and 
tings  in,  for  an  hunched  dollars  or  the  like.  It  shall 
never  be  said  that  the  hair  of  the  Oregans  made 
maclieseens  for  a  vild  Indian  to  trat  upon.  I  would 
sooner  trow  my  own  head,  hair,  and  all  in  de  fire, 
dan  give  it  to  dese  paple  to  smoke  vnd,  out  of  deir 
long  pipes. 

II  this  be  your  determination,  said  the  Captain,  it 
^vill  behove  you  to  keep  yourself  somewhat  close  ; 
and  while  vre  remain  at  this  public  house,  avoid  any 
conversation  with  the  chapman  or  his  agents,  should 
they  come  to  tamper  with  you.  For  it  is  not  impro- 
bable, while  they  are  keeping  you  in  talk,  proposing 
to  make  you  a  Kickapoo  chief,  and  tne  like,  they 
TOiay  snatch  the  scalp  off  your  head,  and  you  not  be 
the  wiser  for  it. 

Teague  thought  the  caution  pood,  and  resolving 
to  abide  by  it,  retired  to  the  kitchen.  The  maid  at 
this  time,  happening  to  want  a  log  of  wood,  request- 
ed Teague  to  cut  it  for  her.  Taking  the  ax  accord- 
ingly, and  going  out,  he  was  busy  chopping,  with  his 
Jiead  do\vn;  while,  in  the  mean  time,  the   Indian 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  '7s 

treaty-man  had  returned  with  one  in  Indian  dress, 
•who  was  the  chief  of  the  Killinoos,  or  at  least  passed 
for  such  ;  and  whom  he  brought  as  having  some  re- 
cruiting talents,  and  miv;ht  -prevail  with  Teague  to 
elope,  and  join  the  company.  I  presume,  said  the 
Indian  treaty-man,  you  are  the  waiter  of  the  Captain 
who  lodges  here  at  present.  Teague  hearing  a  man 
speak,  and  lifting  up  his  head,  saw  the  leggins  on 
the  one,  and  the  Indian  dress  on  the  other ;  and  with 
a  kind  of  involuntary  effort,  threw  the  ax  directly 
from  him  at  the  Kiliinno.  It  missed  him  but  about 
an  inch,  and  fell  behind.  Teague,  in  the  mean  time, 
raising  a  shout  of  desperation,  was  fixed  on  the  spot, 
and  his  locomotive  faculties  suspended ;  so  that  he 
could  neither  retreat  nor  advance,  but  stood  still,  like 
one  enchained  or  enchanted  for  a  moment;  the  king 
.of  the  Killinoos,  in  the  mean  tim.e,  dravring  his  to- 
mahawk, and  preparing  for  battle. 

The  Captain,  who  was  reading  at  a  front  window, 
hearing  the  shout,  looked  about,  and  saw  what  was 
going  on  at  the  wood-pile.  Stop  villain,  said  Ke,  to 
the  king  of  the  Killinoos ;  you  are  not  to  take  that 
scalp  yet,  however  much  you  may  value  it.  He  will 
not  take  an  hundred  dollars  for  it,  nor  500,  though 
you  make  him  kin;^  of  the  Kickapoos,  or  any  thing 
else.  It  is  no  trifling  matter  to  have  the  ears  slit  in 
tatters,  and  the  nose  run  through  with  a  bodkin,  and 
a  goose  quill  stuck  across ;  so  that  you  may  go  about 
your  business  ;  you  will  get  no  king  of  the  Kicka- 
poos here.  Under  cover  of  this  address  of  the  Cap- 
tain, Teague  had  retired  to  the  kitchen,  and  ensconc- 
ed himself  behind  the  rampart  of  the  m^aid.  The 
Indian  treaty-man,  and  the  KilUnoo  chief,  finding  the 
measure  hopeless,  withdrew,  and  turned  their  atten- 
tion, it  is  to  be  supposed,  to  some  other  quarter,  to 
find  a  king  of  the  Kickapoos. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VHI. 


CONTAINING  OBSERVATIONS. 

THE  Captain  was  certainly  to  be  commended 
in  declining  to  countenance  the  imposition  of  mak- 
ing Teague  a  Kickapoo  chief.  Ilad  he  been  dis- 
posed to  adventure  in  a  contraband  trade  of  this  kind, 
he  might  have  undertaken  it  as  a  principal,  and  not 
as  furnishing  an  assistant  only.  He  could  have  pass- 
ed Teague  for  a  chief,  and  himself  for  an  interpre- 
ter. He  might  pretend  to  have  conducted  this  prince- 
from  a  very  distant  nation,  and  that  he  had  been  se- 
veral moons  in  travelling,  and  wanted,  the  Lord 
knows  how  much,  goods  for  his  people,  that  othei^ 
wise  would  come  to  war.  By  this  means  the  Cap- 
tain v/ould  have  taken  the  whole  emolument  of  the 
treaty,  and  not  have  been  put  off  with  a  small  share 
of  the  profit  which  another  made  by  it. 

I  should  like  to  have  set^n  Teague  in  an  Indian 
dress,  come  to  treat  with  the  commissioners.  It 
would  be  necessary  for  him  only  to  talk  Irish,  which 
he  mi^ht  pass  for  the  Shawanese,  or  other  language. 
The  Captain  could  have  interpreted  in  the  iisua] 
words  on  these  occasions. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  77 

The  policy  of  treating  with  the  Indians  is  very 
good;  because  it  takes  off  a  great  deal  of  loose  mer- 
chandize, that  might  otherwise  lie  upon  our  hands, 
and  cuts  away  superfluities  from  the  finances  of  the 
government ;  at  the  same  time,  as  every  fresh  treaty 
lays  the  foundation  of  a  new  war,  it  will  serve  to 
check  the  too  rapid  grov/th  of  the  settlements.  The 
extremities  of  a  government,  like  the  arm  or  ancle 
of  an  individual,  are  the  parts  at  which  blood  is  to 
be  let. 

Struck  with  the  good  effects  of  treating  with  the 
savages,  and  that  our  wise  men  who  conduct  affairs, 
pursue  the  policy  I  have  been  led  to  wonder,  that 
the  a;;ricultural  societies,  have  not  proposed  treaties 
with  the  wolves  and  bears,  that  they  might  not  clan- 
destinely invade  our  sheep  and  pig  folds.  This  mi;^ht 
be  done  by  sending  messages  to  the  several  ursine 
and  vulpine  nations,  and  calling  them  to  a  council- 
fire,  to  which  four  or  five  hundred  waggon  load  of 
beef  should  be  sent,  and  distributed-  If  it  should  be 
said,  that  this  would  restrain  them  no  longer  from 
their  prey  than  while  they  continued  to  be  satiated, 
the  same  might  be  said  of  the  Potawatamies,  or  other 
Indian  nations;  and  yet  v/e  see  that  those  at  the 
head  of  our  affairs  think  it  prudent  to  negociate  with 
them. 

A  bear  and  wolf  treaty  might  seem  an  odd  thing 
at  first,  but  we  should  soon  come  to  be  accustomed 
to  it.  I  should  be  sorry  abuses  should  prevail,  by 
treaty-making  men  passing  rough  water-dogs  for 
bears,  or  mastiffs  for  wolves,  upon  our  secretaries  at 
war,  or  subordinate  commissioners ;  which  might  be 
done  as  in  the  case  of  the  savages  where  it  is  pre- 
tended that  some  tribes  had  not  been  at  the  general 
treaty,  nov/  sends  a  chief  to  represent  them  and  t© 
get  goods. 


"7^  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


If  our  traders  go  amongst  the  wolves  in  conse- 
quence of  a  treaty,  I  could  wish  they  could  check 
themselves  in  the  introduction  of  spirituous  liquors. 
A  drunk  wolf,  or  bear,  would  be  a  dangerous  animal. 
It  may  be  thought  that  a  bear  of  wolf  chief  would  not 
get  drunk,  as  it  would  be  setting  a  bad  example  to 
their  people;  but  I  have  seen  Indian  kings  lying  on 
the  earth  drunk,  and  exposing  their  nakedness,  like 
Noah  to  Shem,  Ham,  and  Japheth;  and  if  Indians, 
that  are  a  sort  of  human  creatures,  act  thus,  what 
Ufiight  we  not  expect  from  a  poor  brute  v/olf  or  bear  \ 

If  treaties  with  the  wolves  and  bears  should  be 
found  to  succeed  it  might  not  be  amiss  to  institute 
them  also  with  the  foxes.  This  is  a  sagacious  ani- 
naal,  and  destructive  to  ducks  and  other  fowls.  It 
would  be  a  great  matter  to  settle  a  treaty  with  them, 
v.'hich  might  be  done  at  the  expence  ol  nine  or  ten 
thousand  dollars  laid  out  in  goods. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  IX. 


MEANING  to  remain  some  time  in  a  certain 
town  to  which  he  came,  the  Captain  had  his  horse 
pnt  out  to  pasture,  and  took  private  lodgings.  The 
first  day  at  dinner,  he  was  struck  with,  the  appear- 
ance of  a  young*  man  who  sat  at  table,  but  could  not 
be  said  to  dine  with  them ;  for  except  a  little  water 
and  a  bit  of  bread,  he  ate  or  drank  nothing ;  and 
though  sometimes  addressed,  he  made  no  answer. 
There  was  a  settled  melancholy  in  his  countenance, 
and  he  often  sighed  deeply.  He  had  been  in  this 
house  six  weeks,  and  had  behaved  imiformly  in  the 
same  manner.  In  the  evening  he  would  walk  by 
himself  till  midnight.  Whence  he  came,  or  what 
was  his  object,  no  one  knew.  He  had  bespoke  a 
^back  room,  and  wished  to  have  one  where  there  was 
but  little  light;  also,  that  a  little  water,  and  a  bit  of 
bread  might  be  sent  when  he  should  require  it.  The 
landlady  not  chusing  to  have  a  person  in  the  house 
who  was  unwilling  to  be  seen,  declined  the  circum- 
stance of  sending  in  provisions  to  his  room ;  but 
thought  it  proper  he  should  come  to  table.  He  did 
so  ;  but  entered  into  no  conversation,  though  much 
pains  was  taken  to  engage  him.  He  had  paid  his 
boarding  regularly,  and  did  not  seem  to  be  in  want 


80  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

of  money.  Tliis  "was  the  account  given  by  tlie  fami- 
ly, when  the  young  man  retired  from  dinner. 

The  Captain's  curiosity  was  much  excited  ;  for 
being  a  philanthropic  man,  he  found  himself  inte- 
rested in  the  history  of  this  person.  Taking  an  op- 
portunity that  very  evening,  when  the  young  man 
was  walking  in  the  back  porch,  he  joined  him,  and 
with  the  bluntness  of  a  plain  man,  accosted  him>... 
Sir,  said  he,  it  is  from  no  motive  of  vain  curiosity, 
that  I  thus  address  you.  It  is  from  a  disposition  to 
know  and  alleviate  your  griefs.  For  it  is  evident  to 
me  that  something  hangs  heavy  on  your  mind.  I 
am  a  man,  as  you  see^  advanced  in  life,  and  have 
had  some  experience.  It  is  possible  it  may  be  in 
my  power  to  say  or  do  something  that  may  serve 
you;  at  least  it  is  my  disposition  to  soothe  your  me- 
lancholy. If  it  should  be  an  unfortunate  murder, 
the  guilt  of  which  lies  upon  your  mind,  you  will  find 
no  accuser  in  m.e ;  I  shall  preserve  a  secret  obtained 
in  this  manner.  Probably  it  may  have  been  a  duel, 
and  with  such  alleviating  circumstances,  that  though 
the  law  would  take  hold  of  it,  humanity  will  excuse. 

The  young  man  finding  the  charge  of  murder,  or 
suspicion  of  it,  ready  to  be  fixed  upon  him,  spoke. 
Said  he,  I  am  no  murderer,  but  a  murdered  man 
myself.  I  am  in  love  with  a  young  woman  of  the 
most  celestial  beauty,  but  of  a  cruel  heart. 

The  beauty  may  be  more  in  your  brain  than  in 
her  face,  said  the  Captain ;  for,  as  the   poet  says> 

''        "  The  Lunatic,  the  Lover,  and  the  Poet, 
"  Are  of  imagination  all  compact ; 
*•  One  sees  more  devils  than  vast  hell  can  hold; 
"  That  is  the  madman;   The  other,  all  as  frantic, 
"  Sees  Helen's  beauty  in  a  brow  of  Egypt." 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  «*l 

I  am  not  unacquainted  whh  the  nature  cf  this  pas- 
sion; and  have  seen  a  gypsey  myself,  in  my  time, 
that  has  had  dominion  over  me.  Perhaps  I  may 
have  been  carried  to  as  much  extravagance  as  other 
people ;  and  therefore  am  a  proper  person  to  advise 
against  it.  A  principal  source  of  my  extravagance, 
was  an  opinion  that  the  jade  who  had  hold  of  my  af- 
fections at  the  time,  would  pity  me  when  she  heard 
of  the  pain  which  her  beauty  gave  me ;  that  she 
would  be  afraid  I  would  hang  myself  for  her  sake ; 
that  she  would  come  to  sooth  and  caress  me,  in  or- 
der to  prevent  it.  P'ar  from  it.  My  uneasiness  was 
the  proof  of  her  power  to  wound ;  and  the  more  dis- 
tress I  felt,  the  greater  credit  to  her  beauty.  She 
would  not  have  lost  a  sigh  which  she  caused  me  for 
any  consideration.  My  lamentations  were  as  agree- 
able to  her,  as  the  groans  of  the  damned  are  to  the 
devil.  And  so  it  must  be  with  every  woman ;  be- 
cause self  love  induces  it.  Hanging  is  the  last  thing 
they  would  be  at.  If  they  could  get  the  lover  bro't 
to  this,  they  are  then  at  the  height  of  fame.  It  falls 
but  to  the  lot  of  one  here  and  there  to  have  a  man 
drown  himself  for  her;  and  when  it  does  happen,  it 
makes  such  a  noise  that  all  covet  it. 

I  would  venture  to  say,  that  this  female  whom 
you  fast  and  pray  about  so  much,  would  be  very 
unwilling  to  breathe  the  soul  into  you,  were  it  once 
out.  Instead  of  fasting,  she  is  eating;  and  while 
you  sigh  in  the  night,  she  snores. 

You  have  an  idea,  perhaps,  that  you  may  bend 
her  by  your  perseverance.  That  is  a  mistake.  A 
man  that  once  comes  to  this  state  of  sighing,  and 
dying,  has  but  little  chance ;  because  he  has  surren- 
dered himself;  and  there  is  nothing  more  to  be  won. 
Were  there  any  possibiHty  of  succeeding,  it  would 
be  by  first  conquering  yourself;  dismissing  all  idea. 

VOL.1.  I 


^?)f:^^ 


82  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

of  her  partiality  for  you ;  for  it  is  owing  to  this  se 
cret  vanity,  and  self  flattery,  that  you  still  pursue. 
Absolute  despair  is  the  first  step  towards  the  cure 
of  love.  It  is  either  drowning  or  curing,  with  you 
at  present.  As  you  have  not  drowned  yourself,  you 
are  in  a  fair  way  to  be  cured. 

I  know  very  well  how  you  missed  the  matter  with 
this  liussy.  You  appear  to  be  a  young  man  of  great 
sensibility  of  feeling ;  and  I  presume  made  your  ad- 
dresses with  great  refinement  of  thought  and  man- 
ners. You  talked  to  her  of  flames  and  darts,  and 
flowers  and  roses ;  read  poetry  in  the  mean  time, 
and  thought  a  great  deal  of  Phillis,  and  Amaryllis; 
and  entertained  her  with  names  and  incidents  in  ro- 
mances, and  sung  and  recited  soft  love  songs  of 
Amanda,  and  Phebe,  and  Colin ;  whereas  your  way 
was  to  have  talked  careless  nonsense,  and  sung  such 
songs  as  Pady  Kelly,  and  Tristram  Shandy-O  ;  and 
told  her  stories  of  girls  that  had  ran  off  with  pedlars, 
or  gone  a  campaigning  with  the  soldiers.  These 
ideas  are  light  and  frolicsome,  and  co-natural  to 
springing  love.  Hence  it  is  that  men  of  but  loose 
and  irregular  education,  succeed  better  with  the  fair 
than  scholars  that  are  learned  in  the  classics. 

But  to  bring  the  matter  to  a  point,  the  true  way 
is  to  get  another  mistress;  and  profit  by  your  expe- 
rience with  the  first.  No  more  of  sighing  and  dy- 
ing in  the  case;  but  singing,  and  laughing,  and 
jumping  like  a  young  fox.  Hint  a  little  with  respect 
to  certain  matters  that  are  between  the  sexes ;  but 
let  it  be  done  in  so  delicate  a  manner,  that,  though 
she  understands  you,  she  is  not  obliged  to  do  it. 
What  I  mean,  is  to  make  her  think  you  would  ra- 
ther debauch  her  than  marry  her.  Bring  her  to 
this  suspicion,  and  I  warrant  you.    Her  Avhole  study 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  83 

will  be  to  entrap  you  into  matrimony.  For  it  is  na- 
tural for  the  human  mind,  when  it  ob^^erves  a  great 
sjcunty  and  confidence  in  another,  to  imagine  there 
must  be  some  ground  for  it.  It  will  argue  a  consci- 
ousness, on  your  part,  of  having  a  good  or  better  in 
your  power.  It  will  impress  her  with  the  same  idea ; 
and  imagination  governs  the  world. 

When  the  mind  is  bent  upon  any  object,  it  is  re- 
lieved by  the  conversation  of  thrse  who  understand 
it;  and,  as  it  were,  dissolve  with  them  in  the  same 
ideas.  The  young  man  was  pleased  with  the  con- 
versation ofthe Captain, and  seemed  cheered;  agreed 
to  join  the  family,  and  be  sociable.  By  degrees  he 
became  so;  and  what  by  the  conversation  of  the 
Captain,  sometimes  explaining  and  sometimes  ridi- 
culing the  passion  of  love ;  and  the  young  ladies  of 
the  family,  in  the  mean  time,  rallying  him  on  his 
weakness,  he  came  a  little  to  his  senses,  (for  love  is  a 
phrenzy),  and  began  to  behave  like  a  common  man. 
For  it  having  come  out  now,  that  love  was  the  cause 
of  his  distress  and  singularity  of  conduct,  some  pitied 
him,  and  others  rallied  it  with  good  humour  and 
philanthrophy.  It  had,  however,  become  the  gene- 
ral topic  in  the  family,  and  was  carried  down  to  the 
kitchen  among  the  servants. 

Teague  hearing  of  it,  took  it  into  his  head  that  he 
must  be  in  love  too;  and  counterfeiting  a  demure 
look,  and  absence  of  mind,  and  v,'alking  by  himself, 
and  living  on  spare  diet,  as  he  had  heard  the  young 
man  that  was  in  love  did,  he  wished  to  have  it  under- 
stood that  his  mind  was  under  the  dominion  of  the 
same  passion.  This  being  observed,  was  represent- 
ed to  the  Captain ;  who  being  at  a  loss  to  know  what 
was  the  matter,  called  Teague,  and  began  to  interro- 
gate him.  The  bog-trotter,  with  some  seeming  re- 
luctance, acknowled,^ed  that  it   v/as   love.     You  in 


£4  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

love,  said  the  Captain,  ycAi  great  bear;  with  whomj 
are  you  in  love  ?  That  dear  cratur,  said  the  IrishmanjI 
thai  has  the  black  hair,  and  the  fair  face,  and  hei 
name  is  Mrs.  Sally,  in  the  house  there.  She  is 
fair  as  the  wool  or  the  snow,  and  gives  me  the  cho- 
lic,  and  the  heart-burn,  every  time  I  look  at  her  fair 
eyes;  God  save  her  soul  frcm  damnation,  bull  love 
her  as  I  do  the  very  food  that  I  ate,  or  the  clothes 
that  1  v/are  upon  my  back. 

It  appeal  ed  to  be  Miss  Sally,  a  very  pretty  girl, 
the  eldest  daughter  of  the  landlady ;  who,  by  the  bye, 
I  mean  the  ladlady,  was  a  widow,  and  had  two  daugh- 
ters and  a  niece  with  her;  the  handsomest  of  whom 
was  this  Miss  Sally,  v.'ith  whom  Teague  had  be- 
come enamoured.  For  simple  and  ignorant  nature 
w  ill  fasten  en  beauty,  as  well  as  the  most  instructed 
in  the  principles  of  taste. 

7"he  Captain  having  been  a  good  deal  troubled, 
heretofore,  with  the  pretensions  of  this  valet,  in 
wishing  to  be  a  mem.ber  of  the  legislature,  a  phiic- 
sopiier,  a  preacher,  and  now  a  lover,  thought  he  had 
r:ow  a  good  oppoi  tunity  cf  repressing  his  presumption 
for  the  future.  There  was  a  young  man,  a  brother 
in  the  family,  who  hcid  been  some  tim^e  in  the  ser- 
vice, as  a  licutencnt,  and  had  leave  cf  absence  at 
this  time,  on  a  visit  to  his  mother  and  sisters.  The 
Captiin  well  knev>',  that  being  in  the  pride  and  heat 
of  youth,  he  v/ould  consider  Teague's  advances  to 
his  sister  as  an  insult  on  the  family,  and  chastise  him 
accordingly,  With  this  view,  counterfeiting  every 
possiJ^le  disposition  to  serve  the  bog-trotter,  the  Cap- 
tain recommended  to  him  to  make  a  confident  of  the 
brother,  and  endeavour  to  gain  his  interest  with  the 
sister. 

Accordingly,  one  m.oming  when  the  officer  was 
j',:.  i'is  cham.btr,  Teague   made  his   approach;  and 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  8^ 

composing  his  woe-begone  countenance  as  well  as 
he  could,  and  explaining  the  cause  of  it,  solicited  his 
interest  with  the  lady. 

There  was  a  whip  in  a  corner  of  the  room,  with 
which  the  lieutenant  had  been  riding ;  seizing  this 
hastily,  he  made  an  attack  upon  the  person  of  the 
lover,  in  a  manner  far  beyond  what  was  decent  or 
moderate.  The  valet  retreating  with  considerable 
outcrieS;  made  complaint  to  the  Captain ;  who  gave 
him  to  understand,  that  as  this  outrage  was  commit- 
ted by  his  intended  brother-in-law,  it  must  be  con- 
sidered in  the  nature  of  a  family  quarrel,  and  he 
could  not  interfere. 

The  advances  of  Teague  became  the  subject  of 
conversation  in  the  family,  and  of  much  mirth  and 
laughter.  The  young  man  who  had  been  in  the 
state  of  melancholy  before  described,  and  had  been 
cheered  a  little,  was  now  in  a  great  degree  cured  by 
the  imitation  of  the  valet.  For  ridicule  is  more  a 
cure  for  love  than  reason »  It  is  better  to  make  the 
patient  laugh  than  think. 

Having  now  a  disposition  to  pursue  his  travels, 
the  Captain  sent  for  his  horse,  and  set  out. 


i2 


r^m-' 


#6  MODEIIN^  CHR^ALR  { . 


CHAPTER  X. 


CONTAINING    OBSERVATIONS. 

THE  observations  which  we  make  when  the 
narration  of  the  fact  is  ended,  are  something  like  the 
sentiments  delivered  in  the  chorus  in  the  ancient  plays, 
a  kind  of  moral  on  what  was  said ;  or  like  the  moral 
as  it  is  called  to  a  fable.  In  this  view  therefore,  we 
shall  endeavour  to  say  something. 

The  young  man  that  we  have  seen  so  deeply  in 
love,  was  of  a  handsome  personal  appearance,  and 
of  an  eye  and  physiognomy  that  indicated  sensibility 
and  understanding ;  and  yet  it  is  probable  the  female 
of  whom  he  was  so  much  enamoured,  may  have  been 
both  homely,  and  destitute  of  good  mental  qualities. 
Whence  could  a  repulse  in  this  case  happen.  From 
a  thousand  causes.  We  Avill  specify  some  of  them. 
The  very  circumstance  of  his  being  beyond  her  first 
hopes,  may  have  put  him  beyond  her  last  wishes.... 
A  female  wooed  by  a  man  her  superior,  may  be  led 
io  think  she  has  still  a  chance  for  better;  and  that 
there  must  be  diamonds  in  her  hair,  or  some  hidden 
advantage  on  her  part,  of  which  she  was  herself  ig- 
norant ;  otherwise  such  advances  would  not  be  made 
to  her ;  or  she  may  apprehend  some  defect  on  the 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  87 

part  of  the  lover,  of  which  he  is  conscious ;  other- 
wise, he  would  not  stoop  beneath  his  natural  expec- 
tations. 

It  is  possible  the  Amanda  may  not  have  been  of 
the  same  class  and  quality  with  himself.  This  would 
of  itself  account  for  the  repulse.  Should  the  eagle 
come  from  the  firmament,  and  make  his  advances  to 
the  pheasant,  he  would  find  himself  unsuccessful; 
for  the  brown  bird  would  prefer  a  lover  of  her  own 
species ;  or,  should  the  rein-deer,  which  is  a  most' 
beautiful  creature,  woo  a  frog,  the  croaking  animal 
would  recede  into  the  marsh,  and  solace  itself  with 
a  paramour  of  its  own  chusing.  When,  therefore, 
unexperienced  young  persons  place  their  affections 
on  an  object  and  do  not  find  a  suitable  return,  they 
ought  to  save  their  pride,  and  make  the  inference, 
that  they  had  descended  from  their  element,  and 
•fastened  on  an  animal  umvorthy  of  their  notice. 

These  observations,  in  addition  to  those  made  by 
the  Captain  to  the  young  man,  may  be  of  use  to  unfor- 
tunate lovers;  and  if  so,  it  will  be  a  recompence  for 
the  trouble  we  have  given  ourselves  in  making  them. 


«8       MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  XL 


IT  was  about  an  hour  before  sunset,  that  the 
Captain  fell  in  company  with  one  who  had  the  Cin- 
cinnati eagle  at  his  breast,  and  riding-  on  together, 
put  up  at  an  inn« 

The  landlady  and  the  servants,  having  never  seen 
the  badge  before,  were  a  good  deal  struck  with  the 
effigy  of  the  eagle,  and  the  ribbon  at  which  it  was 
pendant.     Interrogating  Teague,  who  had  come  in 
company,  and  whom  they  took  to  be  a  common  ser- 
vant to  both,  or  at  least  acquainted  with  the  afi'airs  of 
either,  what  was  the  meaning  of  that  bird,  or  what 
bird  it  was,  that  the  gentleman  had  at  his  breast?.... 
Teague  knew  as  little  about  it  as  they  did ;  but  un- 
willing to  be  thought  ignorant,  took  upon  him  to  in- 
form them.    It  is,  said  he,  a  goose ;  and  the  maining 
is,  that  the  shentleman  would  ate  a  goose,   if  your 
anouers  would  get  one  roasted  this  avening,  for  his 
anour  to  ate  with  the  Captain,  who  is  my  master ;  for 
we  have  ate  nothing  all  day  long,  and  a  roasted  goose, 
with  a  shoulder  of  mutton,  a  pace  of  poark,  and  bafe 
and  cabbage,  and  the  like,  would  be  a  very  good  slake 
for  a  fasting  stomach.    So,  God  save  your  soul,  dear 
honey,  and  make  haste,  and  get  a  goose  knocked 
down  and  put  to  the  fire,  to  keep  their  anours  from 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  89 

starving,  and  to  go  to  bed  in  a  good  humour,  when 
they  have  drank  a  cup  of  ale  or  a  mug  of  cyder  after 
the  goose ;  and,  bless  your  soul,  dear  honey,  let  it  be 
a  good  large  fat  goose,  that  there  may  be  a  rib  or  a 
wing  left,  that  a  poor  sarvant  may  have  something 
I  to  ate,  at  the  same  time.  The  shentleman  was  very 
i  right  to  hold  out  a  token,  like  the  sign  of  a  tavern- 
keeper,  with  a  goose,  or  a  pigeon,  or  a  turkey,  that 
I  paple  may  know  what  he  wants,  and  not  be  after  the 
trouble  of  asking  whether  he  would  chuse  roast  bafe 
and  parates,  or  pork  and  parsnips,  may  it  plase  your 

our. 

The  landlady  was  a  good  deal  distressed,  having 
no  goose  about  the  house.  But  sending  out  to  her 
neighbours,  she  made  shift  to  collect  a  couple  of 
ducks,  which  Teai<ue  acknowledged  would  be  a  very 
good  substitute.  Supper  being  ordered,  these  were 
served  up,  with  an  apolog;y  from  the  landlady^  that 
she  had  not  been  able  to  procure  a  goose ;  which  she 
hoped  the  gentleman  with  the  ribbon  w^ouid  excuse, 
as  she  was  informed  that  a  roasted  goose  was  so 
much  to  his  taste.  A  roasted  goose  to  my  taste', 
said  the  officer;  what  reason  have  you  to  think  that  a 
roasted  goose  is  so  much  my  choice  ?  Surely  madam 
you  cannot  mean  wit,  or  to  insinuate  that  I  myself 
am  a  goose  ?  for  one  animal  preys  not  upon  another; 
the  maxim  is,  dog  will  not  eat  dog.  I  cannot  there- 
fore be  a  goose  if  I  eat  one. 

Here  the  landlady  explained  her  meaning,  giving 
the  information  she  had  received  from  the  servant.... 
The  Captain  wa.s  greatly  irritated,  and  would  have 
called  him  in  and  chastised  him  instantly  had  not 
the  officer  interfered ;  declaring  that  though  it  was 
an  eagle,  not  a  goose  that  he  wore  at  bis  breast,  yet 
he  was  not  dissatisfied  at  the  mistake,  in  as  much  as 


90  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

it  had  brought  a  couple  of  good  ducks  to  the  table, 
a  fowl  of  which  he  was  particularly  fond. 

This  incident,  in  it'ielf  laughable,  led  the  officer  to 
relate  the  trouble  he  had  had  with  a  clergyman  who 
had  made  a  worse  mistake  than  this,  taking  the  eagle 
for  a  graven  image,  contrary  to  the  injunction  of  the 
decalogue  which  prohibits  the  making  any  such  re- 
presentation for  the  purpose  of  worship,  as  he  al- 
ledged  this  to  be.  In  answer  to  the  clergyman,  he 
had  aliedged  the  improbability  that  he  wiio  had  been 
in  the  service  so  many  years,  at  a  distance  from 
church,  or  church  worship,  except  when  a  deistical 
chaplain  came  in  the  way,  should  think  so  much  of 
religion,  as  to  have  any  worship  at  all ;  much  less  to 
have  become  superstitious,  and  to  wear  an  image  at 
his  bosom.  The  truth  was,  that  he  worshipped  any 
god,  true  or  false,  very  little ;  nt  least,  said  few  or  no 
prayers,  on  such  occasions ;  and  was  very  far  from 
being  an  idolater,  and  paying  adoration  to  a  gold  or 
silver  image;  that  this  was  nothing  more  than  a 
hieroglyphic,  being  the  effigies  of  a  bald  eagle,  which 
is  a  native  of  America,  and  designates  the  cause  for 
v/hich  her  soldiery  had  fought;  in  the  same  manner 
as  the  eagle  was  the  standard  of  the  Roman  legion ; 
or  the  lion  and  the  unicorn  are  the  arms  of  England, 
or  the  thistle  that  of  Scotland ;  that  the  emblem  of 
the  American  bald  eagle  had,  on  these  principles, 
been  chosen  by  the  Cincinnati  for  their  badge ;  of 
which  society  he  was  a  member,  and  wore  this  de- 
vice, not  venerating  it  as  the  image  of  any  bird  or 
beast  whatsoever. 

The  clergyman  admitted  that,  in  strictness,  this 
symbol  might  not  be  a  graven  image,  as  the  term 
v/ould  intend  engraving  on  wood  or  metal,  v,  ith  the 
point  of  an  instrument ;  and  under  this  mental  reser- 
vation, the  wearer  might  save  himself  in  saying  that 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  91 

it  Was  not  a  graven  image :  but  it  was  at  least  a  mol- 
ten one,  which  comes  within  the  meanin,^  of  the  pro- 
hibition; being-  the  representation  of  a  fowl,  and 
doubtless  for  the  purpose  of  idolatry.  For  M^hat  else 
could  be  the  use  or  meaning  of  it.  It  was  not  a 
common  broach,  used  as  a  ligament  to  the  shirt  or 
coat ;  and  it  was  unworthy  of  a  man  to  suppose  it 
could  be  worn  merely  for  ornament ;  boys  and  petit 
maitres  delighting  in  these  things,  but  no  one  else. 
It  could  not  be  any  sort  of  time-piece,  worn  for  the 
purpose  of  ascertaining  distance.  In  fact,  it  was  the 
portrait  of  a  bird,  the  signal  of  some  heathen  deity ; 
as  the  cock  was  sacred  to  Escuhipius,  the  owl  to 
Minerva,  the  peacock  to  Juno,  and  the  dove  to  Venus. 
The  eagle  was  sacred  to  Jupiter;  and  it  was  most 
probable,  that  it  was  in  honour  of  this  false  god,  that 
the  image  was  worn. 

It  answered  no  end  to  reason  with  the  ecclesiastic ; 
for  he  grew  but  the  more  enraged,  and  insisted  that 
it  was  an  idol ;  shewing  from  some  texts  of  scrip- 
ture, that  in  the  last  times  idolaters  were  to  spring 
up ;  and  that  this  society,  which  tlie  Cincinnati  insti- 
tuted, might  be  the  Gog  and  Magog  spoken  of  in 
the  Apocalypse. 

Said  the  Captain,  It  was  natural  enough  for  the 
clergyman  to  ma^e  this  deduction ;  as  in  m.aintain- 
ing  the  cause  of  truth  against  Pagans,  he  is  led  to 
dwell  much  on  the  subject  of  idolatry.  But  for  my 
part,  the  principal  objection  that  lies  with  me,  against 
your  institution,  is  that  which  lies  against  all  partial 
institutions,  whatsoever ;  they  cut  men  from  the  com- 
mon mass,  and  alienate  their  afiections  from  the 
whole,  concentring  their  attachments  to  a  particular 
point  and  interest.  A  circumstance  of  this  kind  is 
unfavourable  to  general  philanthropy,  giving  a  tem- 
porary and  artificial  credit  to  those  who  are  of  the 


92  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

body,  amongst  themselves ;  so  that  while  some  lend 
character,  others  borrow ;  and  the  individuals  do  not 
stand  on  the  natural  basis  of  their  own  merit.  On 
this  principle,  I  do  not  much  approve  of  clubs  and 
societies,  unless  in  the  case  of  some  humane  or  cha- 
ritable institution ;  or  for  the  purpose  of  carrying  on 
some  beneficial  work  or  improvement.  I  do  not 
know  that  in  your  convening  annually  together,  you 
have  any  object  in  view  of  this  nature.  I  have  not 
heard  of  any  bridges  you  have  built,  or  canals  dug, 
or  locks  made  for  tlie  purpose  of  facilitating  naviga- 
tion. I  dot  see  of  what  use  your  institution  is  ;  un- 
less it  be,  that  your  pronouncing  an  oration  now  and 
then,  may  be  favourable  to  eloquence.  But  of  this 
I  much  doubt,  as  such  abstract  discourses  usually 
degenerate  into  common-place.  The  great  objec 
of  an  orator  is,  to  persuade  the  judgment,  or  affed 
the  passions.  In  this  case,  the  judgment  is  alreadj 
persuaded,  affections  already  gained.  Having  there- 
fore, no  object,  what  exertion  can  the  mind  make  ?.. 
Be  the  cause  what  it  may,  certain  it  is  that  suet 
compositions  are  seldom  or  ever  found  to  be  modeli 
of  eloquence ;  more  especially  where  the  subject  if 
of  an  extensive  nature,  as  the  revolution  of  America 
and  the  struggles  of  its  heroes.  For  here  so  wide  i 
canvass  is  spread,  that  it  is  difficult  to  fill  it  up ;  anc 
to  take  a  particular  part  would  seem  to  be  a  derelic 
tion  of  the  rest ;  for  which  dereliction  no  special  rea 
son  could  be  given.  You  could  not  embrace  all  tht 
characters  who  have  risen  or  have  fallen,  or  catch  a 
particular  names  of  the  illustrious.  Confining  your 
self,  therefore,  to  general  observations,  you  make  n< 
particular  impression,  and  your  orations  become  fri 
gid  to  the  hearers. 

I  have  felt  the  truth  of  all  this,  said  the  Cincinnat 
gentleman,  and  the  difficulty  of  composing  an  ora 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  92 

tion  to  satisfy  my  own  wishes.  For  being  appointed 
by  the  society  to  pronounce  one  at  our  next  meeting, 
to  which  I  am  now  on  my  way,  I  have  been  trying- 
my  hand  at  it,  and  find  it  as  you  say,  very  difticult; 
but  have  attributed  this,  not  to  the  nature  of  the  com- 
position; but  to  the  inferiority  of  my  powers.  Not 
so,  said  the  Captain ;  for  in  the  hands  of  the  greatest 
masters,  this  kind  of  composition  labours.  We  do 
not  find  that  even  the  oration  of  Isocrates,  on  the 
Lacedemonian  war,  which  he  was  ten  years  in  com- 
posing, has  obtained  such  celebrity  among  the  an- 
cients, as  such  great  labour  would  bespea...  I  have 
read  the  panegyric  of  Trajan  by  Pliny ;  and  find  it 
blit  a  cold  composition.  Plato's  oration  in  honour  of 
those  who  had  fallen  in  the  battles  of  Marathon  and 
Platea,  is  the  best  of  this  kind  that  antiquity  can  pro- 
duce, and  doubtless  has  great  exceller xe  in  the  sim- 
plicity of  the  expression.  The  touches  are  delicate 
and  fine,  and  I  do  not  know  but  we  may  place  it 
among  the  most  beautiful  productions.  It  amuses 
with  magic  wildness  of  fancy,  at  the  same  time,  re- 
strained and  guided  by  an  exquisite  judgment.  But 
it  is  rather  a  poem  than  an  harangue.  P'or  though 
the  composition  is  in  prose,  yet  it  breathes  the  soul 
of  a  bard,  and  is  inchanting  by  the  flow  of  the  words, 
and  the  elevation  of  the  ima'^es.  In  modern  times, 
I  the  best  thing  we  have  of  this  nature,  is  the  pane- 
gyric of  Cromv/ell,  supposed  to  be  written  by  the 
great  Milton,  but  not  delivered.  The  ingenuity  dis- 
covered in  the  mode  of  praising  him,  deserves  every 
1  possible  commendation.  But  the  greater  part  of 
addresses  that  I  have  seen  to  great  men  now-a-days, 
or  orations  on  public  occasions;  are  turgid,  or  jejune, 
and  little  worth  our  notice. 

After  this,  said  the  Cincinnati  gentleman,  I  shall 
hesitate  to  show  you  the  essay  I  have  made  towards 

VOL.   I.  K 


94  MODERN  CHIVALRY.  ^ 

a  composition  of  this  nature,  as  you  appear  to  be  so 
good  a  judge  in  this  respect,  and  to  know  the  defi- 
ciencies that  may  appear  in  any  effort  of  this  kind. 

Nay,  rather,  said  the  Captain,  you  ought  to  be  the 
more  confident  in  so  doing  ;  for  knowing  the  diffi- 
culty of  the  work,  I  shall  be  the  more  ready  to  ex- 
cuse what  comes  short  of  perfection. 

I  shall  then  take  the  liberty,  said  the  Cincinnati 
gentleman,  to  read  you  a  few  paragraphs.  I  shall  be 
happy  to  hear  it,  said  the  Captain.  The  Cincinnati 
gentleman  read  as  follows : 

Compatriots I  wish  to  say  those  things  that 

never  have  been  said,  and  that  never  will  be  said 
again.  Because,  in  this  case,  there  will  be  the  cha- 
racteristics of  novelty  and  singularity ;  the  two  great 
constituents  of  pleasure,  in  all  intellectual  entertain- 
ments. But  what  can  I  say  new?  Has  not  the  whole 
v/orld  resounded  with  the  justness  of  the  cause  in 
which  we  have  been  engaged ;  with  the  greatness  of 
the  attempt  to  v/ithstand  the  power  of  Britain  ?  And 
have  not  we,  ourselves,  felt,  seen,  and  known  the 
great  variety  and  changes  of  good  or  bad  fortune?... 
What  will  it  contribute  to  our  immediate  enjoyment 
to  go  over  such  scenes,  unless  the  particular  achieve- 
ments of  each  officer  can  be  enumerated,  which  de- 
cency forbids,  and  Avhich  indeed,  cannot  be  done  in 
the  limits  of  one  harangue.  Leaving,  therefore, 
ourselveS:  and  these  scenes,  wholly  out  of  the  ques- 
tion, let  us  speak  a  little  of  those  whom  we  left  be- 
hind. But  why  need  we  speak;  for  all  time  will 
speak  of  them.  The  bards  that  shall  live,  will  draw 
hence  their  choicest  allusions.  Consider  them,  in- 
deed, as  more  happy  than  yous because  they  ascended 
from  among  the  groupof  their  companions,  who  were 
at  that  time  instant  witnesses  of  their  achievements. 
The  warriors  who  fall  in  battle,  are  the  most  glori- 


MODERN  CHVALRY.  95 

ous  subjects  of  panegyric.  Hector  and  Achilles,  form 
the  most  splendid  part  of  the  song  of  Homer,  and 
especially,  because  their  bodies  were  interred  in  the 
presence  of  the  two  armies.  Oh  what  a  noble  ob- 
ject! an  army  mourning  a  brave  officer,  and  tears 
drawn  even  from  the  foe-  struck  with  the  sublime  of 
his  personal  prowess  and  excellent  knowledge  of  the 
military  art.  Much  unlike,  and  far  above  those  who 
languish  with  sickness  on  a  bed  in  cidm  life,  where 
relations  standing  round,  wish  the  departure  of  the 
shadC)  and  grasp  at  the  property  v/hich  he  leaves 
behind.  But  the  fame  of  a  soldier  none  but  himself 
can  enjoy,  there  can  be  no  heir  or  devisee  of  his  pro- 
perty. It  is  his  own,  and  it  mounts  with  him.  His 
blood  oi-Ay  remains  to  bless  the  earth,  from  which 
flowers  and  roses  spring,  and  clothe  the  woods  and 
groves  with  enchantment  and  delight.  For  here  the 
song  cfpoesy  is  awakened,  and  at  morn,  and  noon, 
and  at  still  eve.  their  voices  are  heard  who  rehearse 
where  the  brave  fell,  and  where  they  sleep.  Sub- 
lime spirits  !  whether  you  inhabit  the  Pagan  elysium 
or  the  Christian  heaven,  you  are  happy ;  and  listen 
to  those  immortal  lyres  which  are  strung  to  the  deeds 
of  heroes. 

,  So  much  for  the  exordium  of  the  oration ;  it  was 
•all  he  had  yet  written.  The  evening  passed  away 
in  hilarity ;  and  the  conversation  turned  again  on  the 
Cincinnati  order ;  but  particularly  what  may  be  call- 
ed the  arms  of  the  institution,  viz.  Britannia  repre- 
sented as  a  fine  woman,  with  her  bosom  bare,  af- 
frighted; and  Cincinnatus,  an  accoutred  knight,  at- 
tacking her  thus  unarmed,  as  St.  George  did  the 
dragon;  the  eagle,  the  bird  of  Jove,  in  the  mean 
time  grasping  the  lightning  in  his  claws,  an  im.age 
that  would  seem  unnatural:  Whereas  the  eagle  miQ;ht 
!  be  represented  in  tlie  clouds  near  Jove,  where  the 


1 


"Jd  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


iightniug  might  be  left  to  work  its  forked  course, 
without  the  handing  of  the  eagle ;  and  in  the  other 
figure,  Cincinnutus  might  raise  his  lance  against  the 
lion  that  supports  the  crown-  not  against  the  goddess 
of  the  island. 

From  these  strictures  which  the  Captain,  without 
pretending  to  be  a  connoisseur,  made,  the  transition 
was  easy  to  a  criticism  on  the  motto  of  the  badge ; 
Yiz.  Oinnia  reliquit^  servare,  rejnfiubUcam.  The  infi- 
nitive is  here  used  instead  of  the  geinind,  with  the 
preposition,  ad  serx^andain ;  as  if  it  was  intended  to 
express  his  motion  or  change  of  |)lace,  and  not  the 
object.  But  in  fact,  the  motto  does  not  at  all  express 
that  in  which  the  merit  of  Cincinnatus  consisted.  It 
was  not  in  his  leaving  every  thing  to  accept  the 
commission  of  the  Roman  senate ;  but  in  resigning 
his  commission,  and,  the  work  done,  going  to  his 
plough  again.  His  praise  would  have  been  express- 
ed better  by  the  phrase  of,  Victor  ad  aratrum  redit.... 
In  fact,  it  cannot  apply  well  to  our  army;  nnost  of 
our  officers  not  having  much  to  leave  when  they  ac- 
cepted their  commissions ;  but  discovered  a  Cincin- 
nati-like disposition,  in  returning  after  war  to  the 
employments  of  civil  life.  It  is  true,  there  v/ould 
have  been  less  tinsel,  and  more  bullion,  in  the  patri- 
otism of  retiring  without  a  badge,  as  Cincinnatus 
did :  But  it  is  a  thing  that  can  do  little  harm  and  it 
is  pleasing  to  indulge  a  whim. 

It  may  doubtless  be  said,  that  there  were  officers 
that  left  the  plough,  and  fought,  and  returned  to  it, 
as  well  as  those  who  are  within  the  limitations  of  the 
institution,  and  entitled  to  a  badge  that,  troops  who 
had  served  a  short  inlistment,  and  militia  persons, 
at  least  those  who  fought  a  little,  were  not  wholly 
destitute  of  some  claim  to  the  badge  of  merit.  Even 
those  who  lost  property  might  be  said  to  suffer;  and 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  97 

advance  pretensions  to  the  reward  of  honour.  Not 
that  all  of  them  should  claim  gold  medals,  or  even 
silver;  but  some  brass,  some  copper,  pewter,  a  bit 
of  tin,  or  pot  metal,  just  as  the  specific  value  of  their 
services  might  entitle  them.  Perhaps  while  some 
wore  it  at  the  breast,  others  might  be  enjoined  to 
wear  it  at  the  breeches  pocket,  and  thus,  as  welj  by 
the  point  from  which  appendant,  as  by  the  bob  itself, 
designate  the  proportion  of  their  honour. 

After  this,  some  things  were  said  on  the  subject 
of  introducing  honourary  members ;  against  which 
the  Captain  declared  himself:  That  every  thing 
ought  to  be  preserved  sui  generis ;  as  nature  makes 
no  honourary  animals;  but  all  are  of  the  species,  or 
take  not  the  name :  a  bear  is  a  real  bear,  a  sheep  is 
a  sheep ;  and  there  is  no  commixture  of  name,  where 
there  is  a  difference  of  nature.  But  it  did  not  appear 
to  be  of  any  great  consequence,  one  way  or  the  other. 
For  the  order  Avould  never  come  to  any  great  head, 
as  there  was  no  opposition  given.  For  this  is  neces- 
sary to  keep  alive  attachment  to  what  is  arbitrary, 
and  founded,  not  in  utility,  but  caprice.  For  as  the 
fire  dies  without  air,  so  whim  without  contradiction. 

The  officer  v/as  a  man  of  liberality  and  good  sense, 
and  acknowledged  the  truth  of  this.  But  the  even- 
ing being  now  far  speht,  candles  were  called  for,  and 
they  went  to  bed. 


k2 


98 


il 


POSTSCRIPT. 


THE  precedinpj  pages  were  written  several 
years  a'^o ;  during  which  time  the  Captain  has  con- 
tinued his  travels ;  and  having  been  favoured  with 
his  journal-  I  have  occasionally  made  extracts,  and 
put  them  in  the  form  of  a  continued  history.  Whe- 
ther I  shall  publish  any  more,  will  depend  on  the  re- 
ception of  this. 

I  had  first  begun  this  work  in  verse,  and  have  a 
volume  by  me,  about  two  parts  in  three  as  large  as 
Butler's  Hudibrass  ;  from  which  composition,  I  have 
extracted  this;  thinking  it  might  be  more  accepta- 
ble in  prose.  When  I  visit  this  city  next,  I  may 
produce  that  in  verse,  and  let  the  people  take  their 
choice. 

It  is  a  happiness  to  a  man  to  be  able  to  amuse 
himself  with  writing.  For  it  is  not  every  one  that 
can  play  upon  the  violin,  or  the  flute ;  and  the  fingers 
must  be  employed  some  way.  I  may  be  blamed  in 
not  chusing  some  subject  worthier  of  my  studies, 
and  requiring  a  profound  research.  It  might  profit 
the  world  more ;  but  it  would  amuse  myself  less. 
Omnis  labor  imfirobics  ;  all  toil  is  grievious.  However 
I  have  not  been  wholly  inattentive  to  severer  studies. 
I  have  several  law  tracts  by  me ;  for  which  I  mean, 
in  due  time,  to  solicit  a  subscription.  Kofnumfirema' 
tur  annum^  in  every  work  of  moment,  ought  to  be 
observed. 


POSTSCRIPT.  99 

There  are  some  light  things  which  I  may  in  the 
mean  time  throw  out;  a  comparison  of  Thucydides 
with  Livy ;  thoughts  on  the  Egyptian  hierofi,lyphics ; 
on  the  Carthagenian  commerce ;  a  comparison  of  the 
French  and  English  eloquence;  a  supplement  to 
Buffon,  containing  a  description  of  several  genera  of 
animals,  not  taken  notice  of  by  him ;  hints  for  the 
improvement  of  the  microscope ;  on  the  use  of  the 
Masoretic  points ;  on  the  recent  origin  of  the  earth ; 
on  the  criminal  code  of  the  Siamese,  Sec. 

If  the  world  will  excuse  these,  I  will  gi:ve  them 
my  word  for  it,  they  shall  be  troubled  little  more ; 
for  except  the  examining  my  law  tracts,  I  shall  drop 
my  pen,  finding  it,  as  I  advance  in  life,  more  advi- 
sable to  apply  myself  to  making  money.  What 
things  have  been  written,  and  arc  now  lying  by  me, 
may  occasionally  see  the  light. 

It  is  a  good  deal  owing  to  my  solitary  residence  in 
the  western  country,  at  a  distance  from  books  and 
literary  conversation,  that  I  have  been  led  to  write  at 
all.  It  was  necessary  to  fill  up  the  interstices  of  bu- 
siness. If  I  should  remain  in  that  country,  the  same 
circumstances  may  lead  me  to  write  still.  If  I 
should  remove  to  this  city,  or  the  seat  of  the^federal 
government,  I  shall  avoid  the  tedium  by  other  means. 

I  wish  the  present  book  to  sell  for  at  least  as 
much  as  will  defray  the  expence  of  printing ;  for  I 
have  no  inclination  to  lose  by  it.  If  I  had  a  little 
time  to  stay  in  town,  I  could  give  it  some  celebrity 
by  extracts,  and  remarks  upon  it;  publishing  for 
and  against.  For  it  is  of  no  consequence  how  a 
book  is  made  famous,  provided  that  it  is  famous. 

The  truth  is,  as  I  have  said,  I  value  this  book  for 
little  but  the  stile.  This  I  have  formed  on  the  model 
of  Xenophen,  and  Swift's  Tale  of  a  Tub,  and  Gulli- 
Tcr's  Travels.     It  is  simple,  natural,  various,  and 


100  POSTSCRIPT. 

forcible.  I  hope  to  see  it  made  a  school  book;  a 
kind  of  classic  of  the  English  language. 

In  looking  over  it,  I  find  in  the  whole  work,  but 
one  word  I  would  alter ;  it  is  near  the  beginning ; 
where  I  say  Jigure  on  the  stage,  *  instead  of  ap- 
pear, or  make  a  figure  on  the  stage.  I  have  care- 
fully avoided  the  word  unfounded  instead  of  5round- 
less,  a  word  in  vogue,  amon*^-  members  of  Congress 
especially.  The  word  commit^  is  good,  but  being 
lately  introduced,  and  too  much  hackneyed,  I  have 
not  used  it. 

Language  being  the  vestment  of  thought,  it  comes 
within  the  rules  of  other  dress ;  so  that  as  slovenli- 
ness, on  the  one  hand,  or  foppery,  on  the  other,  is  to 
be  avoided  in  our  attire ;  so  also  in  our  speech,  and 
writing.  Simplicity  in  the  one  and  the  other,  is  the 
greatest  beauty. 

We  do  not  know  at  vrhat  time  the  Greek  language 
began  to  be  written  as  it  was  by  Hesiod  or  Homer. 
But  we  find  it  to  have  continued  with  little  or  no 
change,  from  that  time  to  the  latest  writers  among 
the  Byzantine  historians,  a  period  of  more  than  3000 
years.  The  Roman  language  is  considered  as  im- 
provim^  from  the  time  of  Ennius  to  the  Augustine 
age.  The  language  of  the  orators,  poets,  and  histo- 
rians of  that  time  is  the  standard.  It  was  not  so 
much  in  the  use  of  particular  words,  as  an  affecta- 
tion in  the  thought,  that  Senaca  is  censured  as  coi-- 
rupting  the  language  of  the  Romans.  But  Tacitus, 
after  him,  writes  In  a  pure  stile  ;  and  I  have  found 
but  one  conceit  in  expression,  in  his  whole  history : 
meaning  to  give  the  geography  of  a  country  of  a  cer- 
tain tribe  of  the  Germans;  they  are,  says  he,  separa- 
ted from  the  Sequani  by  mount  Jura,  from  the 

by  the  lake ,   from  the  by  the  river  — -, 

*  It  is  altered  in  this  edition. 


POSTSCRIPT.  101 

and  from  the  Atabani  by  mutual  fear.  I  do  not  find 
so  much  fault  with  the  stile  of  Pliny,  as  the  heavi- 
ness of  his  thoughts  and  expressions.  However,  the 
Latin  stile  of  writing  retained  its  propriety  and  other 
excellencies  tolerably  well,  till  the  monks  got  posses- 
sion of  it,  and  brought  it  down  to  a  jargon  that  is 
now  exploded ;  and  we  recur  to  the  pure  originals  of 
Horace,  Virgil,  Cicero,  and  Sallust. 

The  French  language  is  corrupting  fast ;  and  not 
in  the  use  of  words,  but  in  the  affectation  of  sur- 
prise, in  the  structure  of  the  sentence,  or  the  turn  of 
the  expression.  Mirabeau  was  free  from  this;  but 
not  the  Abbe  Raynal.  To  give  an  example:  mean- 
ing to  say,  which  he  might  have  done  in  a  simple 
manner,  that  about  this  time  the  English  ciist  their 
eyes  upon  (Joa,  as  a  place  where,  &c.  stating  the 
advantages  of  such  a  port;  he  begins  by  telling  you, 
Ihat  the  English  had  occasion  for  such  a  port,  which 
&:c.  enumerating  the  advantages ;  and  after  this,  with 
surprize  comes  upon  you,  and  tells  you,  they  wanted 
Gca.  Enfin,  says  he  ;  tliat  is,  in  tine  they  wanted 
Goa. 

The  English  language  is  undoubtedly  written  bet- 
ter in  America  than  in  England,  especially  since  the 
time  of  that  literary  dunce,  Samuel  Johnson,  who 
was  totally  destitute  of  taste  for  the  vrai  naturelle^ 
or  simplicity  of  nature. 

The  language  of  the  Scots  writers  is  chaste,  but 
the  structure  of  the  sentence  of  the  academic  Dr. 
Robertson,  offends  in  this  particular;  his  uniformity 
of  period  striking  the  ear  with  the  same  pulse,  as 
the  couplets  of  our  rhyme  in  Dryden  and  Pope. 
Hume  is  superior  to  him  in  this  respect,  writing  as 
naturally  as  a  man  speaks;  his  stile  rising  and  fall- 
ing witli  the  subject,  as  tlie  movements  of  the  mind 
themselves. 


^ 

I 


102  POSTSCRIPT. 

I  am  quite  out  of  patience  with  this  Postscript.     T 
have  v/ritten    it  hastily,  the   Printer  informing  me 
that  he  had  a  fewpages  of  the  last  sheet  to  fill,  which 
must  be  left  a  blank  unless  I  had  something  more;| 
but  as  I  am  in  a  hurry   about   some  small  matters,^ 
and  have  no  disposition   to  write,  I  believe  I  shall  J 
conclude,  and  let  him  leave  the  remainder  blank,  orj 
put  in  a  paragraph  of  his  own,  if  he  chuses  it.  f 

It  just  me  strikes  to  add,  that  I  am  this  moment 
come  from  behig  admitted  a  Counsellor  in  the  su- 
preme court  of  the  United  States ;  having  written 
the  preceding  part  of  this  postscript  just  before  the 
court  sat. 

In  consequence  of  my  admission  in  this  honoura- 
ble court,  I  feel  myiclf  inspired  Avith  a  consciousness 
of  new  dignity,  and  am  determined  to  relinquish  the 
indulgence  of  all  these  light  amusements,  and  appiy 
myself  for  the  future  to  fathom  the  profound  depths 
of  the  legal  oceans  and  rivers. 

Vale, 

Valete, 

Camena. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  103 


BOOK  IIL 


CHAPTER  I. 


RISING  early  next  morning,  the  Captain  pre- 
i  Acleci  with  his  man  Teague,  on  his  journey,  and 
having  breakfasted  at  an  inn,  where  nothing  mate- 
rial happened,  we  shall  pass  it  over-  and  come  as  far 
down  in  the  day  as  eleven  o'clock ;  though,  by  the 
bye,  it  might  have  been  more  correct  to  have  said 
up  in  the  day,  because  the  sun  rises  until  twelve 
o'clock,  and  then  descends :  But  waving  this  nicety, 
we  shall  go  on  to  relate  M'hat  actually  took  place.  A 
man  was  seen  before  them,  driving,  leisurely,  a  horse 
with  two  kegs  upon  his  back.  The  Captain  took 
him  for  what  is  called  a  pack-horse  man,  that  was 
carrying  salt  or  sugar  to  some  place  of  market.  A 
man  of  a  philosophic  turn  of  mind  never  hesitates 
to  enter  into  conversation  with  any  character;  be- 
cause human  nature  is  the  field  whence  he  gathers 
thoughts  and  expressions.  The  Captain  therefore 
accosting  this  man,  said,  Is  it  salt  or  molasses  you 


1©4  MODERN  CHI\rALRY. 

have  in  your  kegs,  countryman  ?  You  are  going  home 
from  some  warehouse,  I  suppose,  where  you  have 
been  dealing  ;  or  going  to  set  up  a  small  shop  of  your 
own.  and  vend  goods.  No,  said  the  man,  with  a 
Scotch-Irish  pronunciation,  there  is  an  election  this 
day  a  little  way  before  us,  and  I  am  setting  up  for 
the  legislature,  and  have  these  two  kegs  of  whisky 
to  give  a  dram  to  the  voters.  The  Captain  was 
thrown  into  a  reverie  of  thought  and  began  to  reflect 
with  himself  on  the  nature  of  a  republican  govern- 
ment, where  canvassing  by  such  means  as  this,  can 
work  so  great  an  evil  as  to  elevate  the  most  unqua- 
lified persons  to  the  highest  stations.  But,  in  the 
mean  time-  roused  a  little  from  his  thought,  he  had 
presence  of  mind  to  recollect  the  danger  in  which  he 
was  about  to  be  involved  afresh  with  his  man  Teague; 
whom,  now  looking  round,  he  saw  to  be  about  forty 
yards  behind  him.  It  would  have  been  adviseable  to 
have  diverted  him  from  the  road,  and  taken  a  circuit- 
ous rout,  to  avoid  the  election  ground.  But  as  the 
devil,  or  some  worse  being,  would  have  it,  it  was  a 
lane  in  which  they  v%xre,  with  a  fence  on  each  side  ; 
so  that  he  could  not  divert  without  leaping  like  a 
fox-hunter,  or  one  of  your  light-horse  men,  to  which 
the  sober  nag  on  which  he  rode  was  not  competent. 
Besides,  if  Teague  did  not  leap  afte;*  him  he  would 
be  left  exposed  in  the  lane  to  the  populace,  who  might 
solicit  him  to  be  their  representative.  To  turn  di- 
rectly back  would  appear  indecorous,  and  unless  he 
could  urge  Teague  on  before  him,  which  was  not 
customary,  and  to  which  he  might  not.  all  at  once 
submit,  his  station  would  of  course  be  in  the  rear, 
where  he  might  be  picked  up  as  a  straggler,  and 
sent  to  some  public  body. 

In  this  quandary  of  thought,  looking  up-  he  saw 
the  breakers  just  a-head;  that  is,  the  people  met  for 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  117 

front,  was  a  frame  buildins^,  respectable  in  appear- 
ance,  from  the  heif^ht,  and  dimensions,  but  ancient. 
There  was  a  considerable  extent  of  clear  ground 
around  it,  and  an  orchard  hard  by,  with  at  least  five 
hundred  apple-trees. 

;,  Having  lodc^ed  cliiefly  at  inns  since  his  first  setting 
out,  the  Captain  had  the  curiosity  to  diversify  his 
travels,  by  lodging  at  a  private  house  this  evening* 
Accordingly  riding  up  to  the  door,  and  calling  out, 
Halloa,  which  is  the  note  of  interrogation  which  is 
used  when  a  man  wishes  the  master  or  mistress  of 
a  family,  or  some  one  of  the  servants  to  come  forth, 
to  know  what  he  wants. 

It  happened  that  the  mistress  herself  came  to  the 
door,  and  seeing  a  good-looking  man,  in  a  green  old 
age,  sitting  on  horse-back,  with  his  servant  ready  to 
take  care  of  his  steed  should  he  think  proper  to  dis- 
mount, she  made  a  low  curtsey,  as  much  as  to  say, 
Sir,  I  should  be  happy  to  know,  in  what  manner  I 
can  serve  you. 

Madam,  said  the  Captain,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  the 
night  is  drawing  on,  and  I  have  been  reflecting  with 
myself,  whether  it  were  better  to  lodge  in  the  woods, 
or  take  a  house.  All  things  considered,  I  have 
thought  it  most  adviseable  to  take  a  house,  and  the 
only  question  that  now  remains  is,  whether  I  can 
get  one. 

The  lady  smiling  with  much  complacency,  and 
inclining  her  head  forward,  and  her  middle  back,  re- 
plied, I  should  be  happy,  Sir,  if  this  small  mansion 
couid  afford  you  an  accommodation  worthy  of  your 
suite.  Madam,  said  the  Captain,  I  shall  be  happy  if 
the  guest  can  be  worthy  of  the  accommodation. 

Alight,  Sir,  said  the  lady,  we  shall  be  happy  to 
receive  you.  Having  alighted,  he  was  introduced  to 
a  very  decent  apailment,  where  the  lady  seating  her- 

VOL.  I.  M 


US  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

self  in  a  large  cushioned  chair,  and  pulling  out  hei 
box,  took  a  pinch  of  snuff,  and  laid  the  box  upon  the 
cushion.  She  was  a  good-looking  woman,  being 
about  fifty-seven  years  of  age,  with  grey  hairs,  but  a 
green  fillet  on  her  left  eye-brow,  as  it  seems  the  eye 
on  that  side  was  subject  to  a  defluxion  of  rheum, 
which  made  it  expedient  to  cover  it.  It  could  not  be 
said  that  her  teeth  were  bad,  because  she  had  none. 
If  she  wanted  the  rose  on  her  cheek,  she  had  it  on 
her  nose,  so  that  it  all  came  to  the  same  thing.  No- 
thing could  be  said  against  her  chin,  but  it  used  her 
mouth  ill  in  getting  above  it.  She  could  not  be  said 
to  be  very  tall,  but  what  she  wanted  in  height,  she 
made  up  in  breadth ;  so  that  multiplying  one  dimen- 
sion by  the  other,  she  might  be  considered  as  a  size- 
able woman.  After  conversing  a  little  while,  the 
lady  withdrew,  to  give  directions  in  the  kitchen  what 
to  provide  for  supper. 

The  Captain  in  the  mean  time  taking  up  a  pipe, 
which  he  saw  on  the  mantle-piece,  amused  himself 
with  a  whiff. 

The  old  lady  in  the  mean  time  was  in  the  kitchen, 
and  the  first  thing  she  observed  was  Teague,  reclin- 
ing in  an  angle  of  the  chimney  fast  asleep.  Presum- 
ing that  he  had  been  inattentive  to  his  master's  horse 
which  had  been  sent  to  the  stable,  she  desired  a  ser- 
vant to  give  him  a  jog,  and  wake  him.  Teague, 
aw;^ing,  saw  the  old  lady,  and  addressed  her.  Dear 
madam,  what  a  great  happiness  it  is  for  poor  shar- 
vants  to  have  gentle  folks  about  them  ?  God  bless 
your  anour's  ladyship ;  you  are  just  for  all  the  world 
like  my  cousin  Shala  Shagney,  the  handsomest  wo- 
man in  all  Ireland,  and  was  married  to  Shan  Crossan, 
who  had  a  great  estate,  and  a  flock  of  shape  into  the 
bargain.     She  used  to  say  to  me  when  I  was  aslape, 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1 19 

Teague  are  you  awake ;  and  when  I  was  awake, 
Teague  are  you  aslape,  dear  honey. 

There  is  something  in  an  Irishman  which  has  an 
admirable  effect  upon  the  fair ;  whether  it  is  owing 
to  that  love-creating  lustiness  of  person  and  fresh- 
ness of  complexion  which  they  usually  possess ;  or 
the  delicacy  and  quantum  of  the  flattery  of  which 
they  are  not  niggardly ;  nor  need  they  be  so,  no  per- 
sons having  a  greater  stock  to  come  and  go  upon. 

For  so  it  was,  that  the  language  of  the  bog-trotter 
had  gained  the  good  will  of  this  same  Hecuba,  and 
she  ordered  him  a  tankard  of  metheglim,  to  make 
himself  merry  with  the  servants. 

Returning  to  the  parlour  she  continued  her  con- 
versation with  the  Captain;  but  her  mind j  running 
upon  Teague  she  could  not  avoid  introducing  his 
name,  with  a  view  to  learn  some  particulars  of  his 
history.  This  is  a  civil  young  man,  said  she,  that 
came  with  you,  and  of  a  conversation  above  ordinary 
persons.  The  captain  being  an  observer  of  the  pas- 
sions of  the  mind,  as  they  express  themselves  in  the 
eye  and  aspect,  saw  that  Teague  had  made  some 
impression  on  the  affections  of  this  goodly  old  maiden 
gentlewoman:  Nor  was  he  displeased  with  it^  for 
his  first  alarm  was,  that  she  would  have  fastened  on 
himself;  but  her  passion  taking  this  course,  would 
be  less  troublesome.  Framing  his  answers  therefore 
to  her  questions,  with  a  view  to  favour  what  had  so 
fortunately  commenced,  he  gave  her  to  understand, 
that,  though  in  the  disguise  of  a  servant,  Teague  was 
no  inconsiderable  personage;  that  he  had  been  a 
member  of  Congress  one  or  two  years ;  though,  by 
the  bye,  this  was  stretching  the  matter  a  little,  as  he 
had  only  had  it  in  his  power  to  be  one.  But  if  it  is 
allowable  to  strain  a  point  at  all,  it  is  in  the  recom- 
mendation of  one  who  stands  well  enough  already ; 


120  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

for  not  being  taken  on  the  recommendation,  there  is 
no  deception ;  and  it  is  but  civility  to  make  one  more 
pleased  with  their  choice,  than  they  already  are. 

The  Captain  said  nothmg  of  his  having  preached, 
or  being  about  to  preach ;  for  the  idea  of  sermons, 
and  catechisms,  impressing  the  mind  with  religious 
awe,  is  unfavourable  to  love.  As  to  his  being  a  mem- 
ber of  the  philosophical  society,  it  could  be  neither 
here  nor  there  with  a  lady,  and  therefore  he  was  si- 
lent with  respect  to  this  also. 

Supper  being  brought  in,  they  sat  do^vn ;  but  little 
conversation  passed;  the  mind  of  the  enamoratabein-g 
more  in  the  kitchen  than  in  the  parlour.  After  sup- 
per, the  Captain  sitting  sometime,  and  seeming 
drowsy,  was  asked  by  his  hostess,  if  he  chose  to  go 
to  bed :  Ansv,  ering  in  the  affirmative,  a  servant  wait- 
ed with  a  candle ;  and  bidding  her  good  night,  he  was 
lighted  to  his  chamber. 

No  sooner  had  he  withdra\vn,  but  the  old  lady 
sent  her  compliments  to  Teague,  to  take  a  seat  in 
the  parlour;  where  sitting  do-wTi  to  a  roasted  duck, 
just  brought  in,  a  few  slices  of  gammon  on  a  plate, 
a  piece  ojf  veal,  and  a  couple  of  roasted  potatoes,  he 
was  desired  to  partake :  the  old  lady  casting  amour- 
ous  looks  at  him,  in  the  mean  time.  I  say  looks ; 
for  thou  h  she  had  but  one  eye  to  look  with,  yet 
looking  often,  she  mi  rht  be  said  to  cast  looks.  It  was 
a  new  thing  to  the  Irishman  to  be  at  a  table  with 
a  servant  at  his  bac;^ ;  and  he  began  now  to  think 
that  fortune  meant  to  do  him  justice:  and  Mith  an 
ease,  and  self-possession,  which  some  would  call  ef- 
frontery, he  did  the  honours  of  the  table ;  helping 
himself,  and  talking  as  fast  as  consisted  with  his 
disposition  to  satisfy  his  appetite.  May  it  please 
your  ladyship,  said  he,  I  am  a  poor  sharvant  now, 
but  I  have  seen  the  time,  when  I  have  ate  at  as  good 


r 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  121 


a  table  as  the  Captain  my  master,  though  he  rides 
upon  a  horse  and  I  trot  on  foot.  My  uncle,  by  the 
mother's  side,  Shan  O'Gan,  had  a  deer-park,  and 
kept  race-horses,  to  go  to  de  fair,  and  the  city  of 
Cork:  and  my  father's  brother,  Phelim  O'Regan, 
was  a  justice  of  pace,  and  hung  paple  for  staleing 
shape.  I  might  have  been  a  member  of  parliament, 
if  I  had  staid  at  home  and  went  to  school ;  but  send- 
in.^  a  challenge,  and  fii>htin;^  wid  my  own  dear  cou- 
sin Denis  O'Conelly,  I  had  to  fly  de  kingdom,  and 
brought  noting  wid  me  but  my  brogs,  and  ten  gui- 
neas in  my  purse ;  and  am  now  noting  but  a  poor 
sharvant,  unless  your  ladyship  would  take  pity  upon 
me,  and  marry  me ;  for  I  am  wary  of  this  way  of 
tratting  after  a  crazy  Captain,  that  has  no  sense  to 
curry  his  own  harse ;  and  I  have  to  fight  duels  for 
him,  and  keep  him  from  being  knocked  down 
like  a  brute  baste ;  for  dis  very  day,  when  he  had 
a  quarrel  wid  a  hastier,  and  was  trown  upon  his 
back,  I  lifted  him  up,  and  said.  Dear  honey,  are 
you  dead  ?  took  de  hastier  by  de  troat,  and  choaked 
him,  and  he  could  not  spake,  but  said,  Dear  shentle- 
men,  spare  my  life  I  so  dat  if  your  ladyship  will  take 
me  to  yourself,  I  will  stay  wid  you,  and  take  care  of 
de  harses,  and  cows,  and  de  shape,  and  plant  parates, 
and  slape  wid  you,  and  ask  not  a  farthing,  but  your 
own  sweat  self  into  de  bargain !  for  you  are  de  beauty 
of  de  world  I  and  fastin.c  or  slaping,  I  could  take  you 
to  my  arms,  dear  crature,  and  be  happy  wid  you. 

The  lady  was  by  this  time  entirely  won,  and  gave 
liim  to  understand,  that  in  the  morning,  after  con- 
sulting a  friend  or  two',  the  marriage  might  be  cele- 
brated. 

I  give  only  a  sketch  of  the  courtship  that  took 
place,  for  a  great  deal  was  said :  and  it  was  near 
midnight  before  the  lovers  could  prevail  upon  them- 
M  2 


122  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

selves  to  part ;  when  Teaf^ue  was  li^,hted  to  his  bed, 
and  had  as  i^ood  as  that  in  which  the  Captain  slept, 
which  was  a  new  thin^-^-  to  him,  bein?;  accustomed  to 
pi;^  in  with  hostlers  and  servants,  at  the  places 
where  they  lod.^red. 

The  Captain  was  up  early  in  the  morning",  and 
astonished  not  to  find  Tea;^ue  stirring-,  but  enquirinf^ 
of  the  servants  where  Tea^^ue  slept,  he  was  shev/n 
up  a  pair  of  stairs,  which  he  ascended,  thinkin?^  he 
had  one  or  two  more  to  ascend  before  he  reached  the 
garret.  But  what  was  his  astonishment,  when  he 
was  shewn  into  a  room  on  the  second  floor,  where 
he  found  Tea,^ue  snoring-  on  a  feather  bed  with  cur- 
tains. Wakin  >:  hiiB>  Tea;.:;ue,  said  he,  this  goes  be- 
yond all  your  former  impudence :  to  crawl  up  out  of 
the  kitchen,  and  get  into  a  feather  bed.  Please  your 
anour,  said  Teague,  to  ring  a  bell,  and  call  up  a 
sharvant,  to  bring  boots  and  slippers  ;  for  I  am  to  be 
married  dis  maming. 

The  Captain  was  thunder-struck;  and  compre- 
hending the  whole  of  what  had  taken  place,  saw  his 
faux  fias  in  recommending  him  to  the  hostess;  and 
now  it  only  remained,  to  cure  the  blunder  he  had 
made,  if  it  was  at  all  curable. 

We  are  short  sighted  mortals ;  and  while  we  stop 
one  leak,  the  water  rushes  in  at  another.  The  very 
means  that  we  use  to  save  ourselves  from  one  evil, 
leads  us  to  a  worse.  The  Captain  had  need  on  this 
occasion  of  all  his  address.  Composing  himself,  he 
dissembled,  and  spoke  as  follows : 

Teague,  said  he,  will  you  that  are  a  young  man, 
and  have  great  prospects  before  you,  consign  your- 
self to  the  arms  of  an  old  woman.  Her  breath  wi!l 
kill  you  in  the  course  of  a  fortnight.  The  fact  is, 
she  is  a  witch,  and  inchantress ;  she  made  the  same 
proposition  to  me  last  night,  of  marrying  me;  but  I 


» 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  12S 


declined  it.  The  world  is  full  of  these  sort  of  cattle. 
There  was  one  Sha|:>nesa  Circe,  in  old  times,  that 
used  to  gather  all  she  could  in  her  net,  and  trans- 
form them  into  hogs.  Sir  Teague  Ulysses  was  the 
only  one  that  had  the  sense  to  keep  clear  of  her  mu- 
sic, and  avoid  her.  Did  you  see  that  drove  of  hogs 
i)efore  the  door,  when  we  rode  up  last  evening.... 
They  are  nothing  more  than  stragglers  which  she 
•^has  transformed  into  swine.  I  did  not  sleep  a  wink 
last  night,  thinking  of  the  danger  to  which  you  were 
exposed,  and  indeed  I  expected  nothin.^  less,  than 
to  find  you  this  morning  a  barrow,  fattened  up  for  a 
feast,  a  day  or  two  hence.  Did  you  think  such  an 
old  haridan  as  this  can  have  any  natural  concupi- 
scence for  a  man;  or  if  she  has,  it  is  for  a  few  days 

=i(Hily,   until   she  can  make  him  fit  for  slaughter 

Then  by  throwing  a  little  water  on  him,  or  by  the 
.bare  blowing  of  her  breath,  she  makes  a  beef-cow, 
or  hog-meat  of  him,  and  he  finds  the  knife  at  his 
throat,  and  scalding  water  taking  off  his  bristles,  and 
his  guts  out,  and  is  into  the  pick  ling-tub  before  he 
knows  what  he  is  about.  Do  you  think,  Teague, 
'that  I  have  read  books  for  nothing  ?  Have  you  not 
seen  me  in  my  study,  morning  and  night,  looking 
'Over  Greek,  and  Hebrew  letters,  like  partridge-tracks? 
All  this  to  find  out  what  was  going  on  up  and  down 
the  world.  Many  a  history  of  witches  and  conjurers, 
I  have  read,  and  know  them  when  I  see  them,  just 
as  I  would  my  own  sheep,  when  I  am  at  home.  Bet- 
ter indeed,  for  unless  -my  sheep  are  marked,  I  could 
not  know  them  ;  but  marked  or  not  marked,  I  know 
witches;  and  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  this  is  the  great- 
est witch  that  ever  run.  She  was  all  night  in  my 
room,  in  the  shape  of  a  cat.  It  is  God's  mercy,  that 
she  had  not  changed  herself  into  an  alligator,  and  eat 
■you  up  before  the  morning.     When  I  came  into  the 


124  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

room  I  expected  to  find  nothing  else  but  bones,  and' 
particles  of  hair  the  remnant  of  her  repast ;  but  it 
seems  she  has  thout>;ht  you  not  fat  enough,  and  has 
given  you  a  day  or  two  to  run,  to  improve  your  flesh, 
and  take  the  salt  better.  The  worst  thing-,  after 
transformation,  is  the  having  you  cut,  in  order  to 
make  you  fatter  and  better  pork,  which  is  generally 
done  the  first  day  ;  and  castration  is  a  painful  opera- 
tion, besides  the  loss  of  the  part.  I  have  had  several 
of  my  acquaintances  treated  in  this  manner,  falling 
in  with  old  women  whom  they  took  for  fortunes ;  but 
were  in  reality  witches,  and  had  dealings  with  the 
devil. 

Teague  by  this  time  was  out  of  bed,  and  had 
dressed  himself  in  his  overalls  and  short  coat,  and 
was  ready  for  a  march.  Indeed  he  wished  to  escape 
as  soon  as  possible ;  and  descendin?;  the  stairs,  going 
to  the  stable,  and  sad  dling  the  horse,  they  both  set 
out,  without  taking  Jeave.  It  was  in  this  manner 
Eneas  quitted  Dido,  and  got  a  ship-board,  before  she 
was  awake ;  and  the  only  difterence  was,  that  Teague 
had  left  no  little  lulus  in  the  hall,  to  put  her  in  mind 
of  the  father. 


TRAVELLING  along,  the  Captain  could  not 
but  observe  to  Teague,  the  injudicious  choice  he  was 
about  to  make,  even  had  the  woman  not  been  a  ne- 
cromancer. For  the  man  who  surrenders  himself 
to  the  arms  of  a  superannuated  female,  for  the  sake 
of  fortune,  acts  a  j)art  not  less  unworthy  and  dis- 
graceful, than  the  prostitute  who  does  the  same  for 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  115 

half-a-crown.  While  a  man  has  the  use  of  his  limbs 
and  arms,  he  ought  to  be  above  such  mercenary  mo- 
tives; and  true  happiness  can  be  found  only  in  con- 
gruity,  and  what  is  natural.  Teague  seemed  still  to 
have  some  hankering  after  the  ducks,  and  the  fea- 
ther bed,  but  as  they  proceeded,  they  recollection 
became  more  faint,  for  distance  and  time,  is  the 
cure  of  all  passions. 


126  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  V. 


PROCEEDING  four  or  five  miles,  they  breaks 
fasted ;  and  afterwards,  going  on  a  mile  or  two  fur- 
ther, they  came  to  a  church  where  a  number  of  peo- 
ple were  convened,  to  hear  the  decision  of  an  eccle- 
siastical consistory,  met  there  on  an  affair  which 
came  before  themi.  It  was  this :  Two  men  appear- 
ed, the  one  of  a  grave  aspect,  with  a  black  coat ;  the 
other  without  the  same  clerical  colour  of  garb ;  but 
with  papers  in  his  pocket  which  announced  his  au- 
thority to  preach,  and  officiate  as  a  clergyman.  The 
man  with  the  black  coat,  averred,  that  doming  over 
together,  in  a  vessel  from  Ireland,  they  had  been 
messmates ;  and  while  he  was  asleep  one  night,  be- 
ing drowsy  after  prayers,  the  other  had  stolen  his 
credentials  from  his  pocket.  The  man  in  posses- 
sion of  the  papers,  averred  they  were  his  own,  and 
that  the  other  had  taken  his  coat,  and  by  advantage 
of  the  cloth,  thought  to  pass  for  what  he  was  not. 

The  consistory  found  it  difficult,  without  the  aid 
of  inspiration,  to  decide ;  and  that  faculty  having 
now  ceased,  there  were  no  other  means,  that  they 
could  discover,  to  bring  the  truth  to  light. 

The  Captain  being  informed  of  this  perplexity, 
nould  not  avoid  stepping  up,  and  addressing  them  as 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  137 

follows:  Gentlemen,  said  he,  there  is  a  text  in  your 
own  scripture,  which  I  think  might  enable  you  to 
decide :  It  is  this,  "  by  their  fruits  ye  shall  know  themj'* 
Let  the  two  men  preach ;  and  the  best  sermon  take 
tiie  purse ;  or  laying  aside  the  figure,  let  him  that 
expounds  the  scripture  best,  be  adjudged  the  cler- 
gyman. 

The  proposition  seemed  reasonable,  and  was 
adopted;  the  competitors  being  desired  to  withdraw 
a  little,  and  conn  over  their  notes,  that  they  might 
be  ready  to  deliver  a  discourse  respectively. 

The  Captain  observing  the  countenance  of  him 
in  possession  of  the  papers,  was  sensible,  from  his 
paleness,  and  dejection  of  aspect,  that  he  was  the  im- 
postor. Going  out  therefore  shortly  after,  and  fall- 
ing in  with  him,  as  he  walked  in  a  melancholy  mood, 
at  a  little  distance  from  the  church,  said  he  to  him, 
1  perceive  how  it  is,  that  the  other  is  the  preacher; 
nevertheless  I  would  wish  to  assist  you,  and  as  I 
have  been  the  means  of  bringing  you  into  this  pre- 
dicament, I  should  be  disposed  to  bring  you  out.... 
Let  me  know  how  the  case  really  stands. 

The  other  candidly  acknowledged,  that  having 
been  a  yarn  merchant  in  Jreland,  his  capital  had 
failed,  and  he  had  thought  proper  to  embark  for  this 
country ;  and  coming  over  with  this  clergyman,  he 
had  purloined  his  papers;  and  would  have  taken  his 
coat,  had  it  not  been  too  little  for  him ;  a  thing  which 
never^  struck  the  ecclesiastical  tribunal.  But  the 
matter  being  now  reduced  to  an  actual  experiment 
of  talents,  he  was  at  a  loss;  for  he  had  never  preach- 
ed a  sermon  in  his  life.  It  was  true,  he  had  heard 
sermons  and  lectures  in  abundance ;  and  had  he  been 
suffered  to  go  on  and  preach  at  his  leisure  amongst 
the  country  people  first,  he  might  have  done  well 
enough ;  but  to  make  his  first  essay  in  the  presence 


^-^ 


1^8  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

of  a  learned  body  of  the  clergy,  would  hazard  a  de- 
tection ;  but  now  he  saw  his  oversight  in  not  having 
taken  the  notes  of  the  other,  at  the  same  time-  he 
took  the  vouchers  of  his  mission. 

The  Captain  encouraged  him,  by  observing,  that 
there  were  few  bodies,  ecclesiastical  or  civil,  in  which 
there  were  more  than  one  or  two  men  of  sense ;  that 
the  majority  of  this  consistory,  might  be  as  easily 
imposed  upon,  as  the  lay  people ;  that  a  good  deal 
would  depend  on  the  text  that  he  took;  some  were 
easily  preached  upon;  others  more  difficult.  An 
historical  passage  about  Nimrod,  or  Nebuchadnezzar, 
or  Sihon,  king  of  the  Amorites,  or  Og,  king  of  Ba- 
shan ;  out  of  Genesis,  or  Deuteronomy,  or  the  book 
of  Judges,  or  Kings,  would  do  very  well ;  but  that 
he  should  avoid  carefully  the  book  of  Job,  and  the 
Psalms  of  David,  and  the  Proverbs  of  Solomon ; 
these  requiring  a  considerable  theological  know- 
ledge ;  or,  at  least,  moral  discussion  and  reflection. 
Keep  a  good  heart,  said  he,  and  attempt  the  matter. 
The  issue  may  be  better  than  you  apprehend. 

With  this,  taking  him  a  little  further  to  the  one 
side,  where  his  horse  was  tied,  he  took  out  a  bottle 
from  his  saddle-bags,  with  a  little  whisky  in  it,  which 
Teague  had  put  there,  and  gave  him  a  dram.  This 
had  a  good  effect,  and  raised  his  spirits,  and  he 
seemed  now  ready  to  enter  the  lists  with  his  antago- 
nist. 

The  other,  in  the  mean  time,  had  gone  in,  and 
was  ready,  when  called  upon,  to  hold  forth.  The 
man  with  the  papers  returning,  with  the  Captain 
not  far  behind,  took  his  seat.  The  board  signified, 
that  one  or  other  might  ascend  the  pulpit.  The  cre- 
dential man,  v/ishing  to  gain  time,  to  think  farther 
what  he  was  about  to  say,  but  alTecting  pol'^eness, 
yielded  precedence  to  the  other,  and  desired  him  t"> 
preach  first.  Accordingly  stepping  up,  he  took  his 
text  and  began. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  tea 

the  purpose  of  electing-  and  that  it  was  now  impos- 
sible to  avoid  them.  Depending,  therefore,  on  his 
own  address^  to  ma'sC  the  best  of  circumstances,  he 
suffered  himself  to  be  carried  along  towards  them, 
keeping,  in  the  mean  time,  an  eye  upon  Teague, 
who  was  the  cause  of  his  concern: 

Meeting  accidentally  with  a'  Scotch  gentleman  on 
the  ground,  whom  he  knew,  he  communicated  to 
him  the  delicacy  of  his  situation,  and  the  apprehen- 
sions he  had  on  the  partot  Teague.  Said  the  Scotch 
gentleman  Ye  need  na  gie  yoursel  any  trouble  on 
that  head,  map ;  for  I  sal  warrant  the  man  wi  the 
twa  kegs  will  carry  the  elaction:  there  is  na  resist- 
in.^  guid  liquor;  it  has  an  unco  effec  on  the  judg- 
ment in  the  choice  of  a  representative.  The  man 
that  has  a  distillery  or  twa  in  our  country,  canna 
want  suffrages.  He  has  his  votaries  about  him  like 
ane  o'  the  Heathen  gods,  and  because  the  fluid  exhi- 
lerates  the  brain,  they  might  think  he  maun  be  a 
deity  that  makes  it;  and  they  fa'  dov/n,  especially 
when  they  have  drank  ower  muckle,  and  worship 
him,  just  as  at  the  Shrine  of  Apollo  or  Bacchus, 
among  the  ancients. 

The  candidate  that  opposed  the  man  of  the  two 
kegs,  was  a  person  of  gravity  and  years,  and  said  to 
be  of  good  sense  and  expenence.  The  judgment 
of  the  people  was  in  his  favour,  but  their  appetite 
leaned  against  him. 

There  is  a  story  of  one  Manlius,  a  Roman,  v/ho 
had  saved  the  capitcl  from  the  Gauls,  by  putting  his 
breast  to  the  ramparts,  and  throwinp,-  them  down  as 
they  ascended.  When  this  man  afterwards,  elated 
with  the  honours  paid  him-  forgot  the  duties  of  a 
citizen^  wishin^r  to  subvert  the  republic,  by  usurp- 
ing power;  the  people,  jealous  of  liberty,  v/ere  in- 
censed ;  and  being  convicted  of  the  crime,  he  was 

yOL.  I.  L 


106  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

dragged  to  punishment.  It  was  not  the  way,  at  that 
time,  to  hang,  as  you  would  a  dog;  or  beheaded,  as 
you  would  a  wild  beast:  but  to  throw  from  a  high 
rock,  which  they-  called  the  Tarpeian.  The  capitol 
was  just  in  view,  and  while  they  were  dragging  hirii 
along  to  the  place,  he  would  stretch  his  hand  towards 
it;  as  much  as  to  say,  There  O  Romans,  I  saved 
you:  The  populace  at  this  would  stop  a  while,  irre- 
solute whether  to  desist  or  drag  him  on.  While  they 
recollected  his  offence,  they  marched  a  step;  but 
when  they  cast  their  eye  on  the  capitol,  they  stood 
still ;  and  not  until  some  principal  men  directed  the 
rout  out  of  the  view  of  the  capitol,  could  he  be 
brought  to  justice. 

So  it  was  with  the  multitude  convened  on  this 
occasion,  between  the  man  with  the  two  kegs  and  the 
grave-loo  .ing  person.  When  they  looked  on  the 
one,  they  felt  an  inclination  to  promote  him.  But 
when  again  on  the  other  hand,  they  saw  two  kegs 
which  they  knew  to  be  replenished  with  a  very  cheer- 
ing liquor,  they  seemed  to  be  inclined  in  favour  of 
the  other. 

But  appetite  prevailed,  and  they  gave  tl;ieir  votes 
in  favour  of  the  man  v.ith  the  two  kegs. 

Teague  in  the  mean  time  thinking  he  had  another 
chance  of  being  a  great  man,  had  been  busy,  but  to 
no  purpose ;  for  the  people  gave  their  votes  to  the 
man  of  the  two  kegs.  The  Captain  thought  himself 
fortunate  to  be  thus  relieved,  and  proceeded  on  his 
iourney. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY,  \f>7 


CHAPTER  II. 


CONTAINING    OBSERVATIONS* 

THE  perplexity  of  the  Captain,  in  the  late 
transaction  on  account  of  his  servant,  may  serve  to 
put  those  in  mind  who  travel  with  a  waiter,  not  to 
go  much  about  at  the  election  seasons,  but  avoid 
them  as  you  would  the  equinoxes.  It  might  not  be 
amiss,  if,  for  this  reason  the  times  of  electing  mem- 
bers for  the  several  bodies  were  put  down  in  the  al- 
manac, that  a  man  might  be  safe  in  his  excursions, 
and  not  have  an  understrapper  picked  up  when  he 
could  not  well  spare  him. 

I  mean  this  as  no  burlesque  on  the  present  gene^ 
ration ;  for  mankind  in  all  ages  have  had  the  same 
propensity  to  magnify  what  was  small,  and  elevate 
the  low.  We  do  not  find  that  the  Egyptians,  though 
there  were  lions  in  the  kingdom  of  Lybia,  not  far 
distant,  ever  made  a  god  of  one  of  them.  They  ra- 
ther chose  the  cow  kind,  the  stork,  and  the  croco- 
dile, or  the  musk-rat,  or  mire-snipe,  or  other  inferior 
animal,  for  an  object  of  deification.  The  Romans, 
and  the  Greeks  also,  often  worshipped  small  matters. 
Indeed  we  do  not  find  amongst  any  nation,  that  the 
elephant,  or  rhinoceros,  or  elk,  or  unicorn,  have  been 
made  tutelar  divinities.     As, 


IQ5  MODERN  CIHVALRY. 

Cannons  shoot  the  higher  pitches, 
The  lower  you  put  down  their  breeche*. 

The  smaller  the  objects  we  take  up,  and  make  them 
great,  the  act  is  greater ;  for  it  requires  an  equal  art 
in  the  formation  of  the  glass  to  magnify,  as  to  di- 
minish, and  if  the  object  is  not  of  itself  small,  there 
is  no  magnifying.  Caligula  is  celebrated  for  making 
his  horse  a  senator.  It  would  have  been  nothing  to 
have  made  a  Roman  knight  one ;  but  to  endow  a 
mere  quadruped  with  the  qualities  of  a  legislator, 
Ijespeaks  great  strength  of  parts  and  judgment. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  109 


CHAPTER  HI. 


IT  was  about  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  that 
the  Captain  came  to  an  inn,  where  unhorseing  and 
unsaddling,  Teague  took  the  steed,  and  the  master 
went  to  sleep  on  a  sopha  in  the  passage.  Unless  it 
is  in  a  very  deep  sleep,  the  mind  is  in  some  degree 
awake,  and  has  what  are  called  dreams.  These  are 
frequently  composed  of  a  recollection  of  late  events. 
Sometimes  the  mind  recovers  incidents  long  since 
past,  and  makes  comments,  but  most  usually,  out  of 
mere  indolence,  takes  up  with  what  is  next  at  hand. 
It  happened  so  on  this  occasion ;  for  the  Captain 
thought  himself  still  in  conversation  with  the  Scotch- 
man on  the  subj<;ct  of  the  late  election.  It  seemed 
-to  him  that  he  said,  Mr.  M'Donald,  for  that  was  the 
name  of  the  Scotch  gentleman,  you  do  not  seem  to 
have  a  high  opinion  of  our  republican  form  of  go- 
vernment, when  the  most  contemptible  can  obtain 
the  people's  suffrages. 

The  Scotchman  seemed  to  answer  in  his  own  dia- 
lect, saying.  Ye  are  much  mistaken  man,  if  ye  draw 
that  conclusion.  I  think  there  is  a  worse  chance 
for  merit  to  come  forth  where  appointments  are  in 
the  hand  of  one,  than  when  with  many ;  for  it  is 
much  easier  to  scratch  the  rump  of  one,  than  to  tickle 
L  2 


110  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

the  hurdies  o*  a  thousand.  Ye  see  our  executive 
dmna  do  much  better  in  their  appointments  to  judi- 
cial and  ministerial  offices,  than  the  rabble  folk  them- 
selves to  the  legislative.  It  all  comes  to  the  same 
thing  in  every  government;  the  windblaws,  and  the 
feathers  and  the  fern  get  uppermost. 

At  this  instant  he   was  awakened  by  a  bustle  out 
of  doors.     The  fact  was ;   a  disagreement  had  taken 
place  between  Teague   and  the    hostler  at  the  inn, 
about  their  skill  respectively  in   rubbing  down  and 
currying  horses.     Teague  had  made  use  of  a  single 
grab  of  hay,  which  he  held  with  both  hands,  and  im- 
pressed the  horse,  rubbing  him  from  side  to  side,  and 
up  and  down  v/ith  all  his  might.     The  other  with  a 
wisp  in  each  hand,  rubbed;  the  right  hand  passing 
to  the  left,  while  the  left  hand  passed  to  the  right,  in 
a  traverse  or  diagonal  direction.     The  hostler  valu- 
ed himself  on  having  been  groom,   as  he  pretended, 
to  a  nobleman   in  England,  and  therefore   must  be 
supposed  to  understand   the  true  art  of  currying^. 
Teague  maintained  his  opinion,  and  way  of  working 
with  a  good  deal  of  obstinacy,  until  at  last  it  came 
to  blows.     The  first  stroke  v/as  given  by  Teague, 
who  hit  the  hostler  on  the  left  haunch  with  his  foot, 
wheii  he  was  stooping  down  to  shew  Teague  how  to 
rub  the  fetlock.     The  hostler  recovering,  and  seiz- 
ing Teague  by  the  breast,  pushed  him  back  with  a 
retrograde  motion,  until   he  was  brought  up  by  a 
cheek   of  the   stable  door.      Resting   against  this, 
Teague  made  a  sally,  and  impelled   his   antagonist 
several  yards  back,  who  finding  at  length    behind 
him  the  support  of  a  standing  trough,  which  the  car- 
riers used  for  a  manger  to  feed  their  horses,  recover- 
ed his  position,  and  elanced  Teague  some  distance 
from  the   place  of  projection.      But    Teague   still 
keeping  hold  of  the  collar  of  his  adversary,  had 


Modern  chivalry.  m 

brought  him  along  with  him,  and  both  were  now  on 
the  ground  struggling  for  victory.  But  Teague 
turning  on  his  belly,  and  drawing  up  his  knees,  was 
making  an  effort  to  raise  himself  to  his  feet.  The 
other  in  the  mean  time,  partly  by  the  same  means, 
and  partly  by  retaining  hold  of  the  Irishman,  was  in 
the  attitude  of  rising  with  him.  They  were  now 
both  up,  locked  fast  in  the  grasp  of  each  other,  their 
heads  inclining  in  conjunction,  but  their  feet  apart, 
like  muskets  stacked  after  a  review,  or  like  the  arch 
of  a  bridge.  The  head  of  each  supported  by  the 
abutment  of  the  feet.  Few  blows  were  given,  and 
therefore  not  much  damage  done.  But  the  persons 
present  calling  out  fair  play,  and  making  a  bustle  in 
the  porch  of  the  inn,  had  awakened  the  Captain, 
and  brought  him  to  the  door,  who  seeing  what  was 
going  on,  took  upon  him  to  command  the  peace; 
and  the  people  supposing  him  to  be  a  magistrate, 
assisted  to  part  the  combatants ;  when  the  Captain 
ordering  both  of  them  before  him,  made  enquiry  in- 
to the  cause  of  the  dispute.  Teague  gave  his  ac- 
count of  the  matter;  adding,  that,  if  he  had  had  a 
shallelah,  he  v/ould  have  been  after  making  him 
know  that  the  paple  in  dis  country,  could  curry  a 
horse,  or  a  cow,  or  a  shape,  as  well  as  any  English- 
man in  de  world,  though  he  have  been  hastier  to  a 
great  lord,  or  de  king  himself,  at  his  own  stable 
where  he  has  his  harse. 

Teague,  said  the  Captain,  this  may  be  true ;  but 
it  was  unbecoming  a  philosopher  to  attempt  to 
establish  this  by  blows.  Force  proves  nothing  but 
the  quantum  of  the  force.  Reason  is  the  only  argu- 
ment that  belongs  to  man.  Ycu  have  been  the  ag- 
gressor, and  therefore  in  the  power  of  the  law.  But 
as  to  you,  Mr.  Hostler,  you  have  given  provocation* 


i  12  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

I  have  had  this  lad  with  me  several  years,  and  I  say 
that  he  curries  and  rubs  down  a  horse  well.     It  is  no 
uncommon  thing  for  men  of  your  country,  to  under- 
value  other  nations.     You  naturally  associate  your 
own  attainments  with  the  bulk  and  populousness  of 
large  cities :  But  can  the  looking  at  a  large  building 
or  a  tall  spire,  add  an  inch  to  your  stature  ?  Because 
Fox  is  eloquent,  is  every  one  that  hears  him  so  too  ? 
Is  not   human  ingenuity  the  same  here    as  on  the 
other  side  the  water  ?  Our  generals  have  fought  as 
well,  in  the  late  war,  as  any  Clinton,  or  Cornwallis 
that  you  have.     Our  politicians  have  wrote,  and  our 
patriots  have  spoke  as  well  as  your  Burkes,  or  your 
Sheridans,  or  any  other;  and   yet  when   you  come 
here,  there  is   no  bearing   the   airs     of  superiority 
you  take  upon  yourselves.     I  wonder  if  the  wasps 
that  are  in  your  London  garrets  consider  themselves 
better  t]ian  the  wasps  that  are  in  these  woods  ?  I 
should  suppose  it  must  be  so ;  such  is  the  contempt- 
ible vanity  of  an   island,  which,  taken  in  its  whole 
extent,  would  be  little  more  than  a  urinal  to  one  of 
our  Patagonians  in  South  America.     This  the  Cap- 
tain said  to  mortify  the  hostler ;  though,  by  the  bye, 
there  is  a  good  deal  of  truth  in  the  observation,  that 
the  people  of  an  old  country  undervalue  the  new  ; 
and  when  they  think  of  themselves,  conjoin  the  ad- 
ventitious  circumstances  of  all  that  exists  where 
they  have  lived.     I  have  found  a  prejudice  of  this  na- 
ture   even  with  the  wisest    men.      What   wonder, 
therefore,  that  a  poor  illiterate  hostler  should  be  sub- 
ject to  it?  But  if  he  did  undervalue  an  American 
born,  yet  he  ought  to  have  considered  that  Teague, 
though  not  born  in  Britain,  was  bom  near  it,  and 
therefore    might  considerably  approach  the  same 
skill  in  any  handy -craft  work. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  US 

In  natural  history,  we  do  not  value  animals  on  ac- 
count of  the  place  from  whence  they  are  taken,  but 
on  account  of  what  they  are  themselves;  and  in 
things  that  are  made  by  hands,  not  by  the  manu- 
facturer, but  by  the  quality.  We  prefer  the  trout  of 
the  rivulet  to  the  mullet  of  the  river ;  and  we  judge 
of  the  pudding-  not  by  the  ma  er  but  the  eating. 
There  is  a  proverb  that  establishes  this;  for  proverbs 
are  the  deductions  of  experience,  and  to  which  we 
assent  as  soon  as  expressed ;  containing  in  them  an 
obvious  truth,  which  the  simplest  understand. 


IT  is  not  for  the  sake  of  any  moral  that  I  have 
related  this  scutHe  that  took  place  between  the 
Irishman  and  the  hostler;  but  for  the  sake  of  shew- 
ing in  what  manner  incidents  are  to  be  related ;  that 
is,  with  great  simplicity  of  stile,  and  minuteness  of 
description.  That  part  of  Livy  which  contains  the 
combat  of  the  Horatii,  and  Curatii,  is  frequently  giv- 
en to  the  students  at  a  college  to  translate,  that  by 
this  means  they  may  be  taught  to  imitate  the  like 
delicacy  in  the  choice  of  words,  and  particularity  of 
the  recital.  The  above  may  answer  the  same  pur- 
pose.    It  is  true  there  is  not  the  like  incidents  in 

'  this  combat,  as  in  that  described  by  Livy;  neverthe- 
less, the  same  art  is  therein  discovered,  as  the  sound 
critic  will  observe.  I  know  it  will  be  thought  by 
any  one  who  reads  it,  that  he  could  use  the  very 
same  words,  and  give  the  same  liveliness  of  picture, 

I  were  he  to  attempt  it.  -Should  he  try  it,  he  will  find 
himself  disappointed Suder  multum^  frustraqut 

■  labpret^  ausus  idem.... 

It  may  be  thought,  that  though  stile  is  my  object, 
yet  I  might  now  and  then  bring  in  a  thought  to  en- 


114  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

tertain  the  reader,  and  introduce  some  subject  of 
moment,  rather  than  the  fisty-cuffs  of  two  raggamuf- 
fins.  I  would  just  ask  this  question:  Is  not  the  ta- 
lent of  the  artist  shewn  as  much  in  painting  a  fly,  as 
a  waggon- wheel.  If  this  were  intended  as  a  book 
of  morals,  or  physiology,  and  not  as  a  mere  belle 
lettre  composition,  there  might  be  something  saidj 
as  the  case  is,  critics  must  be  silent. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  lis 


CHAPTER  IV. 


I  SHALL  pass  over  the  circumstances  of  the 
Captain's  dining,  and  Teague,  reconciled  with  the 
hostler,  taking  his  mess  in  the  kitchen;  and  go  on  to 
what  befel  afterwards,  when  having  saddled  the 
horse,  they  set  out  on  their  further  perigrination.... 
Towards  evening,  when  the  shadows  of  the  trees 
began  to  be  long,  the  Captain  bidding  Teague  trot 
along  side  addressed  him  in  the  following  words :..< 
Teague,  said  he,  it  is  true  I  am  none  of  your  knight- 
errants,  who  used  to  ride  about  the  world  relieving 
fair  damsels,  and  killing  giants,  and  lying  out  in 
woods,  and  forests,  without  a  house,  or  even  tent- 
i  cloth  over  their  heads,  to  protect  them  from  the 
night  air.     Nevertheless,  as  in  some  respects  my 

i equipment,  and  sallying  forth  resembles  a  knight- 
errant,  and  you  a  squire,  would  it  be  amiss,  just  for 
a  frolick,  to  lie  out  a  night  or  two,  that  it  might  be 
said  that  we  have  done  the  like.  There  is  no  great 
danger  of  wolves  or  bears,  for  while  there  are  sheep, 
or  pigs  to  be  got  at,  they  will  shun  human  fiesh.  It 
will  make  a  good  chapter  in  our  journal,  to  describe 
you  lying  at  the  foot  of  an  oak,  and  me,  with  my 
head  upon  my  saddle,  under  another;  the  horse,  in 
the  mean  time,  feeding  at  a  small  distance.   Teague 


116  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

thought  it  would  be  an  easier  matter  to  write  doVTA 
the  chapter  in  the  journal,  than  lie  under  the  trees 
to  beget  it.  It  is  true  said  the  Captain,  navigators 
and  travellers,  mhke  many  a  fiction ;  and  those  who 
have  been  in  battle  have  killed  many,  that  were 
killed  by  others,  or  have  not  been  killed  at  all.... 
But  it  would  ill  become  a  limb  of  chivalry  to  deviate 
from  the  truth.  It  v/ill  be  but  about  twelve  hours 
service  lying  on  our  bac  s  and  looking  up  to  the 
stars,  hearing  the  howling  of  wolves,  and  observing 
the  great  Bear  in  the  heavens,  the  means  by  which 
the  Chaldeans,  the  first  astronomers,  laid  the  foun- 
dation of  the  science.  Fait,  and  I  tink,  said  Teague, 
it  would  be  better  to  be  in  a  good  house,  with  a 
shoulder  of  mutton  to  ate,  before  we  go  to  slape, 
than  to  have  our  own  shoulders  tarn  by  the  bears,  or 
bruised  by  lying  under  great  oa  s.  Of  what  use  is  this 
astranomy?  did  any  of  these  astninamers  ever  shoot 
down  a  bear  in  the  firmament,  to  get  a  joint  of  mate 
for  a  sic  person;  and  what  good  comes  of  lying  in 
de  woods,  to  be  ate  up  by  the  snakes ;  but  fevers,  and 
agues,  and  sore  troats  to  get  a  long  cough  and  die 
in  a  ditch  Yi  e  a  dead  horse,  and  be  nothing  thought 
of,  but  be  trown  mto  ridicule  like  a  black-head  that 
has  no  sense.  It  is  better  to  go  to  a  house  and  get 
a  bed  to  slape  in,  and  warm  shates  about  us,  than  be 
lying  in  the  dew  like  a  frag,  croa'  ing  the  next  day 
like  one  of  dase  and  get  no  good  by  it. 

The  Captain  had  made  the  proposition  merely  to 
amuse  himself  ■v('ith  Teasue,  and  so  did  not  insist 
upon  it. 

Riding  one  or  two  miles,  the  sun  was  setting,  and 
a  house  Lippcared  in  view  a  litrlt;  off  the  road  A  lane 
led  up  to  it  with  a  meadow  on  one  side,  and  a  pas- 
ture-field on  the  other.  On  this  last^  there  v/ere 
cattle  of  cows,  and  sl>eep  grazing.     The  house  in 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  129 


THE  SERMON. 

Prov.  VIII.  33.  Hear  instructirm  and  be  wise,  and 
refuse  it  not. 

INSISTING  on  these  words,   I  shall  enquire, 

1.  Whence  it  is  that  men  are  averse  to  instruction. 

2.  The  misfortune  of  this  disposition.     Lastly,  Con- 
clude with  inferences  from  the  subject. 

I.  Whence  it  is  that  men  are  adverse  to  instruction. 
The  first  principle  is  indolence.  The  mind  loves 
ease,  and  does  not  wish  to  be  at  the  trouble  of  think- 
ing. It  is  hard  to  collect  ideas,  and  still  harder  to 
compose  them ;  it  is  like  rowing  a  boat :  whereas, 
acting  without  thought,  it  is  like  sailing  before  the 
wind,  and  the  tide  in  our  favour. 

The  second  principle  is  firide.  It  wounds  the 
self-love  of  men,  to  suppose  that  they  need  instruc- 
tion. We  resent  more  the  being  called  fools  than 
knaves.  No  man  will  own  himself  weak  and  unin- 
formed. In  fact,  he  has  not  humility  to  think  bj  is ; 
or,  if  he  should  be  conscious  of  a  want  of  knowledge 
he  is  ui7willing  that  others  should  have  the  same 
opinion ;  and  he  will  not  submit  to  be  instructed,  as 
that  would  imply  that  he  is  not  already  so. 

The  third  principle  is  passion.  When  we  are 
disposed  to  satisfy  the  desires  of  the  constitution,  or 
the  affections  of  the  mind,  which  are  unlawful,  we  do 
not  wish  to  hear  dissuation.  from  the  indulgence. 
The  lecture  comes  to  torment  before  the  time,  when, 
the  consequence  must  afflict. 

VOL.  I.  N 


130  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Under  the  second  head,  we  shall  shew  the  misfov' 
tune  of  this  disfiosition.  It  is  ^vhat,  in  early  life,  be- 
gins to  fix  the  difference  of  persons.  The  hearer  of 
instruction,  even  with  more  moderate  parts,  becomes 
the  more  sensible  boy.  The  hearer  of  insti-uction 
has  a  better  chance  for  life  and  mature  years.  Into 
how  many  dangers  do  young  persons  run ;  leaping, 
climbing,  running,  playing  truant,  and  neglectinvi; 
books?  Into  v/hat  affrays  too  will  passions  prompt 
them,  when  they  begin  to  feel  the  sinew  strong,  and 
the  manly  nerve  braced?  They  value  corporeal 
strength,  which  they  have  in  common  with  the 
horse,  or  the  ox,  and  neglect  the  cultivation  of  the 
mind,  which  is  the  glory  of  our  nature.  What  is  a 
a  man  without  information  ?  In  form  only  above  a 
beast.  What  is  a  man  negligent  of  moral  dutyi 
Worse  than  a  beast ;  because  he  is  destitute  of  that 
by  which  he  might  be  governed,  and  of  which  his 
nature  is  capable ;  and  without  which,  he  is  more 
dangerous,  in  proportion  as  he  is  more  ingenious. 
I  shall  conclude  with  inferences  from  the  subject. 
It  may  be  seen  herxe,  with  what  attention  we 
ought  to  hear,  and  with  what  observation,  see.  The 
five  senses  are  the  avenues  of  knowledge ;  but  the 
reflection  of  the  mind  on  ideas  presented,  is  the 
source  of  wisdom.  Understanding  is  better  than 
riches ;  for  understanding  leads  to  competency,  and 
to  know  how  to  use  it.  Laying  aside,  therefore,  all 
indolence,  pride,  and  passion,  let  us  hear  instruction, 
^nd  be  wise,  and  refuse  it  not. 

This,  reverend  brethren,  is  a  short  sermon.  It  Is 
one  in  minature  ;  like  the  model  of  a  mechanical  in- 
vention, which  is  complete  in  its  parts,  and  from 
whence  may  be  seen  the  powers  of  the  inventor.  I 
did  not  intend  to  take  up  your  time  with  a  long  dis- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  131 


course;  because,  ex  fiede  Herculum-y   you  may  know 
what  1  can  do  by  this  essay. 

The  fact  is,  I  am  regularly  educated,  and  licens- 
ed ;  but  this  my  competitor,  is  no  more  than  a  yarn 
merchant ;  v/ho,  failing  in  his  trade,  has  adventured 
to  this  country :  And  coming  over  in  the  vessel  with 
me,  took  the  opportunity  one  night,  when  I  was 
asleep,  and  picked  my  fob  of  these  papers^  which  he 
now  shev/s. 

Thus  having  spoke,  he  descended.. 

The  other,  in  the  mean  time,  had  been  at  his  wits 
end  what  to  do.  The  technical  difficulty  of  taking  a 
text,  and  dividing  it  under  several  heads,  and  split- 
ing  each  head  into  branches,  and  pursuint-;  each  with 
such  strictness,  that  the  thoughts  should  be  ran'2,ed 
under  each  which  belonged  to  it,  as  exactly  as  you 
would  the  coarser  yarn  with  the  coarser,  and  the 
finer  with  the  finer  ;  or  put  balls  with  balls,  and  hanks 
with  hanks.  At  last  he  had  determined  to  take  no 
text  at  all ;  as  it  was  much  better  to  tai-e  none,  than 
to  take  one  and  not  stick  to  it.  Accordin  ly,  he  re- 
solved to  preach  up  and  down  the  scripture  wher- 
ever he  could  get  a  word  of  seasonable  doctrine. 
Mounting  the  pulpit,  therefore,  he  began  as  follows: 


13:2  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


SERMON. 


THE  first  man  that  Ave  read  of  was  Adam,  and  first- 
^voman  Eve ;  she  was  tempted  by  the  serpent,  and 
eat  the  forbidden  fruit.  After  this  she  conceived 
and  bare  a  son,  and  called  his  name  Cain ;  and  Cain 
v/as  a  tiller  of  the  ground,  and  Abel  a  keeper  of 
sheep ;  for  she  conceived  and  bare  a  second  son,  and 
called  his  name  Abel.  And  Cain  slew  Abel.  There 
were  several  generations  unto  the  flood,  when  Noah 
built  an  ark,  and  saved  himself  and  his  family.  Af- 
ter the  flood,  Abraham  begat  Isaac,  and  Isaac  begat 
Jacob,  and  Jacob  begat  Joseph  and  his  brethren. 
Potiphar's  wife,  in  Egypt,  took  a  fancy  for  Joseph, 
and  cast  him  in  a  ward;  and  Potiphar  was  a  captain 
of  Pharaoh's  guards;  and  Joseph  interpreted  Pha- 
raoh's dream  of  the  lean  cattle;  r.nd  there  were 
twelve  years  famine  in  the  land ;  and  IMoses  passed 
for  the  son  of  Pharaoh's  daughter,  and  married  Jeth- 
^o'sdaur^hter,  in  the  land  of  Midian,  and  brought 
the  Israelites  out  of  the  land  of  Egypt;  and  Joshua 
the  son  of  Nun,  and  Caleb  the  son  of  Jephunneh ; 
and  the  walls  of  Jericho  fell  down  at  the  sound  of 
ram's  horns ;  and  Sampson  slew  a  thousand  with 
the  jaw-bone  of  an  ass;  and  Delilah  the  harlot;  and 
Gideon,  and  Barak,  and  Jephthah,  and  Abinoam 
the  Giliaditish ;  and  Samuel,  and  Saul,  and  the  pro- 
phets ;  and  Jonathan  and  David ;  and  Solomon  built 
Him  an  house ;  and  silver  v.as  as  plenty  as  the  street 
stones  in  Jerusalem;  Rehoboam,  and  Jehosophat, 
and  the  kings  of  Israel  and  Juda;  Daniel  was  cast 
into  the  lions'  den;   and  Shadrach,    Meshach,  and 


MGDEHN  CHIVALRY.  13S 

Abed-nego ;  and  Isaiah  and  Jeremiah ;  and  Zachari- 
ah,  and  Zerobabel ;  Matthew,  Mark,  Luke  and  John, 
and  the  apostles ;  Mary  Magdalene,  out  of  whom 
were  cast  seven  devils ;  and  the  father  of  Zebedee's 
children ;  and  Pontius  Pilate,  and  the  high  priest ; 
and  Ananias  and  Saphira,  and  the  seven  trumpets  in 
\the  Revelations,  and  the  dragon,  and  the  woman. 
Amen.     I  add  no  more. 

The  lay  people  present  were  most  pleased  with 
the  last  discourse ;  and  some  of  the  youn-.er  of  the 
clergy  :  But  the  more  aged,  gave  the  preference  to 
the  first.     Thus  it  seemed  difficult  to  decide. 

The  Captain  rising  up,  spoke:  Gentlemen,  said 
he,  the  men  seem  both  to  have  considerable  gifts, 
and  I  see  no  harm  in  letting  them  both  preach. 
There  is  work  enough  for  them  in  this  new  coun- 
try ;  the  first  appears  to  me,  to  be  more  qualified  for 
the  city,  as  a  very  methodical  preacher ;  but  the  last 
is  the  most  practical ;  and  each  may  answer  a  valu- 
able purpose  in  their  proper  place. 

The  decision  seemed  judicious,  and  it  was  agreed 
that  they  should  both  preach.  The  man  who  had 
been  the  yarn  merchant,  than'  ed  their  reverences, 
and  gave  out  that  he  would  preach  there  that  day 
week,  God  willing. 

The  clergy  were  so  much  pleased  with  the  Cap- 
tain, that  they  gave  him  an  invitation  to  1,0  home 
.with  them  to  an  elder's  house,  just  by ;  but  recollect- 
^  ng  the  trouble  he  had  with  Teague  on  another  oc- 
casion, and  the  danger  of  being  drawn  into  a  like 
predicament,  should  he  foil  into  conversation  with 
the  clergyman  and  ta  e  it  into  his  head  to  preach, 
he  declined  the  invitation  and  hastened  to  get  his 
horse,  and  having  Teague  alongside,  proceeded  on 
his  journey. 

N  2 


tU  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


THE  ensuing  day,  the  Captain  arrived  in  a  cer- 
tain city,  and  put  up  at  the  sign  of  the  Indian  Queen. 
Taking  a  day  or  two  to  refresh  himself,  and  get  a  new 
pair  of  breeches  made,  and  his  coat  mended,  which 
was  a  little  worn  at  the  elbows,  he  went  to  look  about 
the  city.     The  fourth  day,  when  he  had  proposed  to 
set  out  to  perambulate  this  modern  Babylon,   and 
called  for  Teague  to  bring  him  his  boots,  there  was 
no  Teague  there.     The  hostler  being  called,  with 
whom  he  used  to  sleep,  informed,  that  he  had  disap- 
peared the  day  before.     The  Captain  was  alarmed : 
and,  from  the  recollection  of  former  incidents,  began 
to  enquire  if  there  were  any  elections   going  on  at 
that  time.      As  it  so  happened,  there  was  one  that 
yery  day.  Thinking  it  probable  the  bog-trotter,  hav- 
ing still  a  hankering  after  an  appointment,  might  of- 
fer himself  on  that  occasion    he  set  out  to  the  place 
where  the  people  were  convened,  to  see  if  he  could 
discover  Teague  amongst  the  candidates.  He  could 
see  nothing  of  him ;  and  though  he  made  enquiry, 
he  could  bear  no  account.     But  the  circumstance  of 
the  election  drawing  his  attention   for  some   time, 
he  forgot  Teague. 


I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  13« 


The  candidates  were  all  remarkably  pot-bellied; 
atid  waddled  in  their  gait.  The  Captain  enquiring 
what  were  the  pretensions  of  these  men  to  be  elect- 
ed; he  was  told,  that  they  had  all  stock  in  the  funds, 
and  lived  in  brick  buildings ;  snd  some  of  them  en- 
tertained fifty  people  at  a  time,  and  eat  and  drank 
abundantly ;  and,  living  an  easy  life,  and  pampering 
their  appetites,  they  had  swollen  to  this  size. 

It  is  a  strange  thing-  said  the  Captain,  that  in  the 
■country,  in  my  route,  they  would  elect  no  one  but  a 
weaver,  or  a  whisky-distiller;  and  here  none  but  fat 
swabs,  that  guzzle  wine,  and  smoke  segars.  It  was 
not  so  in  Greece,  where  Phocion  came  with  his  plain 
coat,  from  his  humble'  dwelling,  and  directed  the 
counsels  of  the  people ;  or  in  Rome,  where  Cincin- 
natus  was  made  dictator  from  the  plough.  Some- 
thing must  be  wrong,  where  the  inflate,  and  pom- 
pous are  the  objects  of  choice.  Though  there  is  one 
good  arising  from  it,  that  there  is  no  danger  of  my 
Teague  here.  He  could  not  alTord  to  give  a  dinner; 
and  as  to  funds,  he  has  not  a  single  shilling  in  them. 
They  will  make  him  neither  mayor  nor  legislator  in 
this  city. 

Na  fiiith.  said  Mr.  M'Donald,  the  Scotch  gentle- 
man who  had  been  present  at  the  embarrassment  of 
the  Captain,  on  the  occasion  of  the  former  election, 
and  having,  a  few  days  before,  come  to  the  city,  and 
observing  the  Captain  in  the  crowd,  had  come  up  to 
accost  him,  just  as  he  was  uttering  these  last  words 
to  himself:  Na  faith,  said  he,  there  is  na  danger  of 
Teague  here,  unless  he  had  his  scores  o"*  shares  in 
I  the  bank ;  and  was  in  league  with  the  brokers,  and 
*i  had  a  brick  house  at  his  hurdles,  or  a  ship  or  twa  on 
the  stocks.  A  great  deal  used  to  be  done,  by  em- 
ploying advocates  with  the  tradesmen, to  listen  to  the 
news,  and  tell  them  fair  stories ;  but  all  is  now  lost 


1 


136  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

in  substantial  interest,  and  the  funds  command 
every  thing.  Besides,  this  city  is  swarming  with 
Teagues,  and  O'Re  ,ans,  and  O'Brians,  and  O'Mur- 
phys,  and  OTarrels  ;  I  see,  that  they  cannot  be  at 
a  loss  without  your  bog-trotter. 

The  Captain  having  his  fears  eased  in  this  parti- 
cular, returned  home  greatly  troubled,  nevertheless, 
that  he  could  not  come  up  with  the  Irishman. 


-MODERN  CHIVALRY.  137 


CHAPTER  Vn. 


REFLECTING  with  himself,  that  Teagiie  was 
addicted  to  women,  and  that  he  might  have  gone  to 
some  of  those  houses,  which  are  not  in  the  best  re- 
pute with  the  religious  part  of  the  community^  the 
Captain  thought  it  might  not  be  amiss  to  make  en- 
.<quiry.  Being  informed  by  the  waiter,  that  he  had 
overheard  gentlemen  at  the  house,  in  their  cups, 
speak  of  a  certain  Mrs.  Robeson,  wlro  i^ept  a  house 
of  that  kind ;  and,  as  far  as  he  could  understand,  it 
was  in  such  a  part  of  the  city,  a  few  doors  from 
such  a  street. 

The  Captain  having  set  out,  coming  into  the 
neighbourliood,  and  making  enquiry,  was  directed  to 
the  house.  Knocking,  and  on  a  servant  coming  to 
the  door,  enquiring  for  Mrs.  Robeson,  he  v/as  shewn 
into  a  parlour,  and  in  a  little  time  the  old  lady  en* 
tered.  Being  seated,  he  took  the  liberty  of  address- 
ing her:  Madam,  said  he,  I  am  not  unacquainted 
with  the  stile  and  designation  of  your  house.  Why 
as  to  that,  said  she,  we  do  the  best  we  can ;  but  the 
times  are  hard,  and  it  is  a  very  difficult  thing  to  pick 
«p  a  good  looking  healthy  girl,  now  a  days.  So  ma- 
ny young  women,  since  the  war  is  over,  having  ta- 
i^en  to  virtuous  ways,  and  got  married,   has  almost 


138  MODERN  CHIVALRY.  I 

broke  us  up.  But  I  have  been  fortunate  enough  to 
li^^'ht  upon  one,  yesterday,  that  is  a  rare  piece,  just 
from  the  country,  and  I  am  sure 

It  is  not  in  the  way  that  you  mean,  madam,  said 
the  Captain,  that  I  take  the  liberty  to  call  upon  you. 
I  have  a  servant  man,  of  the  name  of  Teague  O'Re- 
gan,  that  is  fond  of  women,  and  has  been  absent 
some  days ;  and  it  has  occurred  to  me,  that  he  may 
have  come  to  your  house,  or  some  other  of  the  like 
kind;  and  may  be  skulking,  to  avoid  my  service. 
As  he  has  little  or  no  money,  it  is  impossible  he  can 
be  much  in  your  way,  and  I  could  make  it  better 
worth  your  while  to  inform  on  him,  and  surrender 
him  up. 

Teague  O'Regan,  said  the  old  lady  I  snuffing; 
Teague  O'Reganl  I  would  have  you  know,  sir, 
that  no  Teague  O'Regans  come  here ;  we  keep  a 
house  for  the  tirst  gentlemen,  not  for  waiters  or  un-> 
derstrappers,  or  any  of  the  common  sorts.  There  is 
no  half-crown  or  five  shilling  pieces  here.  Teague 
O'Regan  indeed !  there  is  no  Teague  O'Regan  at 
this  house.  We  have  meat  for  his  master.  I  was 
saying  there  was  a  young  woman  just  now  from  the 
country,  that  looks  more  like  a  woman  of  family, 
than  a  country  girl ;  but  is  so  melancholy  and  mo- 
pish, that  she  scarcely  speaks,  and  stands  in  need  of 
some  one  to  talk  to  her,  and  keep  her  in  spirits.  She 
is  fit  for  any  gentleman.  Teague  O'Regan!  Humph 
There  is  no  Teague  O'Regan  puts  his  foot  into  my 
door. 

The  Captain  assured  her,  that  he  by  no  means 
meant  to  give  offence.  That  though  the  bog-trotter 
could  not  have  access  to  her  first  rooms;  yet  he  did 
not  know  but  he  might  have  got  in  with  some  of  her 
under  maids,  and  be  about  the  kitchen. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  I3f 

The  lady,  being  now  appeased  on  the  score  of 
Teagiie,  was  in  a  good  humour,  and  renewed  her 
hints  to  the  Captain,  with  respect  to  the  young  wo- 
man. She  is,  said  she,  as  good  a  looking  girl  as 
ever  came  to  my  house ;  and  has  not  seen  a  single 
person  but  yourself,  whom  she  has  not  yet  seen ;  but 
may  see,  if  you  chuse ;  and  a  v^gr  pretty  girl  she  is ; 
but  keeps  mopish  and  melancholy,  as  if  she  was 
crossed  in  love,  and  had  come  to  town  for  fear  of  her 
relations,  and  v.islies  to  keep  out  of  sight  of  every 
body. 

The  Captain  being  no  stranger  to  the  art  these 
matrons  use  in  their  addresses,  to  enhance  the  value 
of  their  wares,  was  but  little  moved  with  the  recom- 
mendation she  had  given.  But  as  there  were  some 
circumstances  in  the  account  of  the  young  woman, 
that  were  a  little  striking,  his  curiosity  was  excited 
to  let  her  be  called  in,  and  present  herself.  Accor- 
dingly, the  old  lady  stepping  out,  a  young  woman 
made  her  appearance,  of  considerable  beauty;  but 
in  her  countenance,  expressions  of  woe.  Her  blue 
■eye  seemed  involved  in  mist ;  for  she  shed  no  tears ; 
,  lier  sorrow  was  beyond  that. 

Young  woman,  said  the  Captain,  it  is  easy  to  per- 
ceive that  you  have  not  been  in  this  way  of  life  long ; 
and  that  you  have  been  brought  to  it,  perhaps,  by 
■  some  uncommon  circumstances.  My  humanity  is 
interested;  and  it  occurs  to  me  to  ask,  by  what 
means  it  has  come  to  pass.  The  part  which  he 
seemed  to  take  in  her  distress,  inspiring  her  with 
confidence ;  and  being  requested  by  him  to  relate 
her  story  frankly,  she  began  as  follows  : 

My  father,  said  she,  lives  at  the  distance  of  about 
twenty  miles  from  this  city,  and  is  a  man  of  good 
estate.     I  have   two  brothers,  but  no  sisters.     My 


140  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

mother  dying  when  I  was  at  the  age  of  fourteen,  I 
becan^e  house-keeper  for  the  family. 

There  was  a  young  man  that  used  to  come  to  the 
same  church  to  which  we  v/ent.  He  was  of  the  ve- 
ry lowest  class,  mean  in  his  appearance,  of  homely 
features,  and  a  diminutive  person.  Yet  he  had  the 
assurance  to  put  l^inself  in  my  way  on  every  occa- 
sion ;  endeavounng*to  catch  my  eye  ;  for  he  did  not 
dare  to  speak  to  me.  But  I  hated  him,  and  was  al- 
most resolved  to  stay  at  home  on  Sundays,  to  avoid 
him ;  for  he  began  to  be  very  troublesome.  His  at- 
tentions to  me- were  taken  notice  of  by  my  brothers. 
They  were  confident  that  I  must  give  him  some  en- 
couragement, or  he  would  not  make  such  advances. 
My  father  was  of  the  same  opinion.  I  assured 
them  I  had  never  given  him  any  encouragement, 
and  I  never  would ;  that  I  was  as  much  averse  to 
him  as  possible. 

I  shunned  him  and  hated  him.  He  persisted  a 
long  time^,  almost  two  years,  and  seemed  to  become 
melancholy,  and  at  last  went  away  from  the  neigh- 
bourhood ;  and,  as  I  heard  afterwards,  to  sea.  I  be- 
gan now  to  reflect  upon  his  assiduity,  and  endeavors 
to  engage  my  afFections.  I  recollected  every  cir- 
cumstance of  his  conduct  towards  me,  since  the  first 
time  I  was  obliged  to  take  notice  of  him.  I  reason- 
ed with  myself,  that  it  was  no  fault  of  his,  if  his  fa- 
mily was  low;  and  if  he  himself  had  not  all  that 
comeliness  of  person  which  I  Avished  in  a  husband ; 
yet  he  was  sufficiently  punished  in  his  presumption 
in  thinking  of  me,  by  what  he  must  have  suffered, 
and  by  his  going  to  sea,  which  he  did  to  get  out  of 
my  sight,  finding  his  attempts  to  gain  my  affectons 
hopeless.  I  dreamed  of  him,  and  scarcely  a  mo- 
ment of  the  day  passed,  but  my  thoughts  were  run- 
ning on  the  danger  to  which  he  was  exposed.     It 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  Ul 

seemed  to  me  that  if  he  came  back,  I  should  be 
more  kind  to  him.  I  might  at  least  shew  him,  that 
I  was  not  insensible  of  his  attachment. 

In  about  a  year  he  returned,  and  the  moment  I  sa^ 
him,  I  loved  him.  He  did  not  dare  to  come  to  my 
father's  house.  But  I  could  ^^help  giving*  him 
encouragement,  by  my  countt^Pfce,  when  I  met 
him  in  public.  Emboldened  by  this,  he  at  last  ven- 
tured to  speak  to  me,  and  I  agreed  that  he  might 
come  to  a  peach  orchard,  at  some  distance  from  my 
father's  house,  and  that  I  would  give  him  an  inter- 
view. There  he  came  often,  and  with  a  most  lowly 
and  humble  behaviour,  fixed  my  regard  for  him. 
Not  doubting  the  violence  of  his  love  for  me,  and 
my  ascendency  over  him,  I  at  last  put  myself  in  his 
power.  Becoming  pregnant,  I  hinted  marriage, 
but  what  was  my  astonishment  to  find,  that,  on  vari- 
ous pretences,  he  evaded  it,  and  as  I  became  more 
fond,  he  became  more  cold,  which  had  no  other  ef- 
fect, than  to  make  me  more  ardent  than  before.  It 
had  been  usual  for  many  months,  to  meet  me  every 
evening  at  this  place,  but  now  I  had  gone  often, 
and  did  not  find  him  there.  At  last  he  withdrew  al- 
together, and  I  heard  he  had  left  the  settlement. 
Worthless  and  base,  as  I  now  knew  him  to  be ;  and, 
though  my  reason  told  me,  that  in  person  he  was 
still  as  homely  as  I  first  thought  him,  yet  I  continu- 
ed to  love  him  to  distraction. 

What  was  my  distress,  when  my  father,  and  my 
brothers,rfound  that  I  was  with  child  ?  They  char- 
ged me,  though  unjustly,  of  having  deceived  them 
with  respect  to  my  attachment  to  this  low  creature, 
from  the  first:  In  fine,  my  father  dismissed  me 
from  the  house :  My  brothers,  no  less  relenting  than 
him,  in  their  resentment  against  me,  upbraided  me 
with  the  offers  I  had  refused,   and  the  treutment  I 

VOL.  I.  o 


/ 


142  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

had  given  several  gentlemen,  in  their  advances  to 
me.  For,  indeed,  during  the  absence  of  this  worth- 
less man,  I  had  been  addressed  by  several,  but  my 
pity  and  compassion  for  the  wretch,  had  so  wrought 
upon  me,  that  I  could  not  think  of  any,  or  scarcely 
bear  them  to  spe^^o  me. 

Dismissed  frol^Py  father's  house,  even  my  youn- 
ger brother,  who  was  most  soft  and  yielding  in  his 
nature,  seeming  to  approve  of  it,  I  went  to  the  habi- 
tation of  a  tenant  of  my  father ;  there  remained  some 
time,  and  endeavoured  to  make  compensation,  by 
the  labour  of  my  hands,  for  the  trouble  I  was  giving 
them.  But  these  poor  people,  thinking  my  father 
would  relent,  had  informed  him  where  I  was,  and 
of  the  care  they  had  taken  of  me.  The  consequence 
was,  that,  at  the  end  of  three  months,  he  sent  for 
the  child,  of  which  I  had  been  brought  to  bed  some 
weeks  before,  but  ordered  them  instantly  to  dismiss 
me,  that  I  might  never  more  offend  his  hearing 
with  my  name. 

I  wandered  to  this  city,  and  the  first  night  lay  in 
the  market-house,  upon  a  bench.  The  next  morn- 
ing mixed  with  the  women  that  came  to  market, 
and  enquired  for  work  of  any  kind.  I  could  find 
none ;  but  at  last  meeting  with  a  young  woman  who 
felt  for  my  distress,  she  told  me,  that  she  had  a  small 
room  in  this  city,  where  she  had  lived  some  time 
with  an  aunt  that  was  lately  dead,  and  that  now  she 
supported  herself  by  doing  a  little  in  the  millinery 
way ;  that  if  I  would  come  and  take  breakfast  with 
her,  and  see  where  she  lived,  I  was  welcome.  Go- 
ing with  the  poor  girl,  I  found  her  lonely  and  dis- 
tressed enough.  Nevertheless  I  continued  with  her 
several  months.  But  the  work  was  small  that  we 
got  to  do,  and  times  becoming  still  worse,  I  was 
obliged  to  sell  the  clothes  that  I  brought  with  me,  to 


f 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  143 

the  last  pefticoat  and  short  gown,  to  support  our* 
selves  and  pay  rent.  To  bring  me  to  the  last  stage 
of  misery,  the  poor  girl,  who  was  more  expert  than  I 
was,  in  making  any  little  provision  that  could  be 
made,  fell  sick,  and  in  a  short  time  died.  I  could 
bear  to  stay  no  longer  in  the  room,  and  comin.^  out 
to  wander  in  the  streets,  like  a  Iflprn  wretch  indeed, 


and  sobbing  sorely  by  myself,  ^hen  I  thought  no 
one  heard  me,  I  was  observed  by  this  v/oman,  at 
whose  house  you  now  are,  and  pressed  by  her  to  go 
home.  I  soon  found  what  sort  of  a  house  it  was, 
and  had  I  not  been  watched,  when  I  talked  of  going 
away,  and  threaten<°d  to  be  sent  to  jail,  for  what  it  is 
pretended  I  owe  since  I  came  to  the  house,  I  should 
not  have  been  here  longer  than  the  first  day. 

The  Captain  feeling  with  great  sensibility  the  cir- 
cumstances of  her  story,  made  reply:  Said  he, 
young  woman,  I  greatly  commiserate  your  history 
and  situation,  and  feel  myself  impelled  to  revenge 
your  wrong.  But  the  villain  which  has  thus  inju- 
red you,  is  out  of  my  reach,  in  two  respects ;  first, 
by  distance ;  and  second,  being  too  contemptible  and 
base  to  be  pursued  by  my  resentment,  ev^n  on  your 
account.  But  revenge  is  not  your  object,  but  sup- 
port and  restoration  to  your  friends,  and  the  good 
opinion  of  the  world.  As  to  money,  it  is  not  in  my 
power  to  advance  you  any  great  sum ;  but  as  far  as 
words  can  go,  I  could  wish  to  serve  you:  not  v/ords 
to  yourself  only,  but  to  others,  in  your  behalf.  It  is 
evident  to  me,  that  you  have  suffered  by  your  own 
too  great  sensibility.  It  was  humanity  and  genero- 
sity, that  engaged  you  in  his  favour.  It  was  your 
imagination,  that  gave  those  attractions  to  his  vile 
and  uncomely  person,  by  which  you  was  seduced. 
You  have  been  a  victim  to  your  own  goodness,  and 
not  to  his  merit.     The  warmth   of  your  heart  has 


144  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

overcome  the  strength  of  your  judgment ;  and  you^ 
prudence  has  been  subdued  by  your  passion :  or,  ra- 
ther, indeed,  confiding  in  a  man  whom  you  had  sa- 
ved from  all  the  pains  and  heart-felt  miseries  of  un- 
successful love,  you  have  become  a  sacrifice  to  your 
compassion  and  tenderness.  The  best  advice  I  can 
give  you,  is,  to  Mjbpose  yourself  for  this  night. 
Preserve  your  virtue;  for  I  do  net  consider  you  as 
having  lost  it:  your  mind  has  not  been  in  fault,  or 
contaminated.  I  will  endeavour  to  find  out  some 
person  who  may  be  disposed  to  assist  you;  and, 
though  it  may  be  difficult  for  you  yet  to  establish 
lost  fame,  it  is  not  impossible.  So  saying,  he  left 
the  room;  but  the  young  woman,  impressed  with 
these  last  words  especially,  viz.  the  difficulty,  if  not 
impossibility  of  regaining  reputation,  sunk  down  up- 
on her  chair,  and  could  not  pay  him  the  compli- 
ment of  thanks,  at  his  departure. 

During  the  night,  through  the  Avhole  of  which  he 
lay  awake,  at  the  public  house,  he  iniminated  on  the 
extraordinary  nature  of  this  incident,  and  the  means 
which  he  would  adopt  to  recover  this  woman  from 
her  unfortunate  situation. 

Thought  he,  I  am  in  a  city  where  there  are  a 
great  body  of  the  people  called  Quakers.  This  so- 
ciety, above  all  others,  is  remarkable  for  humanity, 
and  charitable  actions.  There  is  a  female  preacher 
of  whom  I  have  heard,  a  Lydia  Wilson  :  I  will  in- 
form this  good  woman  of  the  circumstance;  and,  if 
she  gives  me  leave,  I  will  bring  this  stray  sheep  to 
her;  she  may  have  it  in  her  power  to  introduce  her 
to  some  place,  where,  by  ncedlc-work,  and  industry, 
she  might  live,  until  it  may  be  in  my  power,  taking 
a  journey  to  her  father,  and  stating  the  case,  and  gi- 
ving my  sentiments,  to  restore  her  to  her  family. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  145 

Early  next  morning,  as  soon  as  it  could  be  presu- 
med, the  Quaker  lady  had  set  her  house  in  order; 
that  is,  after  the  family  might  be  supposed  to  have 
breakfasted,  which  was  about  nine  o'clock,  the  Cap- 
tain set  out ;  and  being  admitted,  stated  to  Mrs.  Wil- 
son the  exact  circumstances  as  before  related.  The 
pious  woman  readily  undertook  every  office  in  her 
power.  Accordingly,  taking  leave,  the  Captain  set 
out  for  the  house  of  Mrs.  Robe^jjn. 

At  the  door  he  met  a  number  of  men  coming  out, 
and,  on  enquiry,  he  found  a  coroner's  inquest  had 
,  just  sat  on  the  body  of  a  young  woman  of  the  house, 
who  had,  the  preceding  evening,  suspended  herself 
from  the  bed-post  with  her  garter.  He  was  struck, 
suspecting  it  must  be  the  young  woman  whom  he 
had  so  much  in  his  thoughts.  Going  in,  and  enqui-' 
Ting,  he  found  it  to  be  the  case;  and  that  they  pro- 
'"■  posed  to  bury  as  soon  as  the  few  boards  of  a  coffin 
could  be  got  ready.  As  a  man  of  humanity,  he 
could  not  but  shed  tears,  and  blame  himself  that  he 
had  not  given  her  stronger  assurance  of  his  inter- 
position before  he  left  her,  that  she  might  not  have 
fallen  into  despair,  and  taken  away  her  life. 

The  coffin  being  now  ready,  the  funeral  set  out, 
not  for  the  burying-ground  of  a  church-yard,  but  for 
a  place  without  the  city,  called  the  Potter's-field : 
For  suicides  forfeit  christian  burial :  Her  obsequies 
attended,  not  by  a  clergyman  in  front,  nor  by  scarfed 
mourners,  holding  up  the  pall ;  nor  was  she  borne 
on  a  bier,  but  drawn  on  a  cart ;  and  the  company 
that  followed  her  uncovered  herse,  were  not  decent 
matrons,  nor  venerable  men,  but  old  bauds,  and 
strumpets,  and  cullies,  half  di'unk,  making  merry  as 
Uiey  went  along^ 

0  2 


145  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Being  interred,  they  returned  home ;  but  the  Cap- 
tain remaining  some  time,  contemplating  the  grave, 
thus  spoke : 

Earth,  thou  covcrest  the  body  of  a  lovely  woman, 
and  with  a  mind  not  less  lovely ;  yet  doomed  in  her 
burial,  to  the  same  ground  with  unknown  persons 
and  malefactors ;  not  that  I  think  the  circumstance 
makes  any  difference,  but  it  shews  the  opinion  of 
the  world  with  respdpt  to  thy  personal  demerit.  Nor 
do  I  call  in  question  the  justness  of  this  opinion, 
having  such  circumstances  whereon  to  found  it. 
But  I  reflect  with  myself  how  much  opinion,  opera- 
ting like  a  general  law,  may  do  injustice.  It  remains 
only  with  heaven's  chancery  to  reach  the  equity  of 
the  case,  and,  in  its  decision,  absolve  her  from  a 
crime ;  or  at  least  qualify  that  which  was  the  excess 
of  virtue.  If  the  fair  elements  that  compose  her 
frame,  shall  ever  again  unite,  and  rise  to  life,  and  as 
the  divines  suppose,  her  form  receive  its  shape  and 
complexion  from  her  mental  qualities  and  conduct 
on  earth,  she  will  lose  nothing  of  her  beauty ;  for 
her  daring  disdain  of  herself  and  fate,  was  a  mark 
of  repentance,. ...stronger  than  all  tears.  Yet,  had 
she  acted  the  nobler  part,  of  holding  herself  in  life, 
preserving  her  mind  and  body  chaste  until  famine 
had  taken  her  away,  or  the  hand  of  heaven  moved 
for  her  relief,  she  had  shone,  at  the  last  rising,  with 
superior  brightness ;  been  ranked  amongst  the  first 
beauties  of  heaven,  and  walked  distinguished  in  the 
paradise  of  God.  Doubtless  the  Almighty  must 
blame,  and  chide  her  for  this  premature  and  rash 
step.  Fallen  to  the  last  point  of  depression,  he  was 
about  to  relieve  her,  and  the  sequel  of  her  days 
might  have  been  happy  and  serene.  It  was  a  dis- 
trust of  his  providence.  She  heard  my  words,  tho' 
she  did  not  know  my  heart.    And  surely  it  was  my 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  147 

intention  to  relieve  her.  But  she  erred  against  my 
thoughts;  she  eluded  the  grasp  of  my  humanity. 
For  this  she  will  be  reprimanded  by  the  Most  High, 
and  fail  of  that  super-eminent  glory  which  awaits 
heroic  minds.  Yet,  O  world,  thou  dost  her  wrong, 
in  sentencing  her  to  so  low  a  bed.  Shall  the  weal- 
thy, but  dishonest  men ;  matrons  chaste,  but  cold 
and  cruel  in  their  feelings ;  shall  these  have  a  stone 
built  over  them,  and  occupy  a  consecrated  spot, 
whilst  thou,  unworthy,  art  throM^n  amongst  the  rub- 
bish of  carcases,  swept  from  jails ;  or  of  emigrants, 
unknown  as  to  their  origin  and  place. 

Farewell,  lovely  form,  whom  late  I  knew:  and 
let  the  grass  grow  green  upon  thy  grave.  Thy  sor- 
rows are  expunged ;  but  mine  are  awake ;  and  will 
be  so,  until  I  also  come  to  the  shades  invisible,  and 
have  the  same  apathy  of  heart  with  thee. 


U»  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


BOOK  IV. 


CHAPTER  I. 


RETURNING  to  his  lodgings,  he  could  not 
help  reflecting  by  the  way,  that  probably  poor 
Teague,  mortified  by  repeated  disappointments,  in 
going  to  Congress,  being  suffered  to  preach,  or  be  a 
member  of  the  Philosophical  society ;  and  what  might 
afflict  him  still  more,  the  not  marrying  the  rich  hos- 
tess, who  had  made  him  overtures,  might,  in  his 
despair  of  ever  coming  forward  in  any  respectable 
capacity  in  life,  have  suspended  himself  from  a 
beam,  or  plunged  into  the  river,  and  have  put  an  end 
to  his  existence,  which,  should  it  be  the  case,  being 
in  some  measure  accessary  to  this  catastrophe  of  the 
bog-trotter,  by  dissuading  from  these  several  preten- 
sions, he  could  not  acquit  himself  of  guilt;  at  all 
events,  he  would  feel  great  pain  and  sorrow. 

Such  were  his  reflections  for  a  great  part  of  this 
day,  and  he  had  thought  of  putting  an  advertisement 
in  the  paper,  to   know  if  any  dead  body  had  been 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  14^ 

lately  discovered,  or  inquisition  held  on  a  young 
man  with  red  hair,  and  a  long  leg,  who  had  been 
missing  some  days,  and  was  supposed  to  have  hung 
or  drowned  himself.  But  in  the  evening,  medita- 
ting thus,  mention  being  made  by  some  of  the  lod- 
gers, of  goin:^  to  hear  the  annual  oration,  delivered 
before  the  Philosophical  Society,  by  a  member,  it 
struck  his  mind,  that  possibly  Teague,  falling  in 
with  some  of  this  body,  had  been  induced  by  them 
to  take  a  seat,  and  might  be  present  on  that  occasion. 
Not  hesitating,  therefore,  he  seconded  the  proposal 
of  going,  and  offered  to  be  of  the  party. 

Coming  to  the  hall,  the  philosophers  were  seated, 
but  a  black  member  sat  with  a  taper  belore  him, 
who,  it  seems,  was  to  deliver  the  oration. 

The  fact  was  this :  A  gentleman  of  Maryland,  of 
the  name  of  Gorum,  had  sent  to  the  society,  some 
time  before,  a  curiosity,  found  by  one  of  his  negroes 
in  the  mud  of  Wye  river,  on  the  banks  of  which  his 
seat  was.  It  appeared  to  be  a  stone,  with  a  cavity 
sufficient  to  receive  a  man's  foot,  and  was  adjudged 
by  the  society  to  be  an  Indian's  petrified  moccasin. 
The  singularity  of  the  discovery,  well  intitling  the 
gentleman  to  a  seat,  he  was  invited ;  but  sending  his 
compliments,  he  gave  them  to  understand,  that  Cuff, 
(for  that  was  the  name  of  the  negro)  was  more  inti- 
tledtothat  honour  than  he  was,  being  the  person 
who  had  found  the  curiosity ;  and  as  he  made  it  a 
point  to  do  his  slaves  justice  in  any  perquisite  of  their 
own,  he  could  not  think  of  robbing  one,  on  this  occa- 
sion of  any  honour,  to  which  he  might  be  introduced 
by  this  discovery. 

The  society  approved  his  honesty  and  fair  dealing, 
and  by  unanimous  ballot,  admitted  the  negro,  who, 
having  been  a  member  some  time,  had  been  appoint-- 
ed  to  pronounce  the  annual  oration.    Guff,  a  good 


150  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

deal  disconcerted  in  hearing  of  the  task  imposed  up- 
on him,  had  applied  to  his  master  to  know  what  to 
say.  Colonel  Gorum  attending  a  good  deal  to  lite- 
rary matters,  had  heard  of  an  oration  delivered  be- 
fore the  society,  the  object  of  which  was,  to  prove 
that  the  Africans  had  been  once  white,  had  sharp 
noses,  and  long  hair;  but  that  by  living  in  sun-burnt 
climates,  the  skin  had  changed  colour,  the  hair  be- 
come frizzled,  and  in  the  course  of  generation,  the 
imagination  of  the  mother,  presenting  obtruse  ob- 
jects, had  produced  an  offspring  with  flat  noses.  He 
therefore  gave  Cuff  to  understand,  that  it  would  be 
doing  no  more  than  justice  to  his  countrymen,  for  he 
was  a  Guinea  negro;  if  he  should  avail  himself  of  this 
occasion,  to  prove  that  men  were  all  once  black,  and 
that  by  living  in  snowy  countries,  and  being  bleach- 
ed by  the  weather,  the  skin  had  gradually  become 
white,  and  the  hair  moist  and  long,  and  the  imagina- 
tion presenting  prominent  objects  to  the  mothers, 
or  the  fathers  differing  among  themselves,  and  pull- 
ing one  another  by  this  part,  had  given  the  long  and 
pointed  nose. 

Cuff,  thus  prepared,  set  out :  having  arrived,  and 
being  on  this  occasion  to  harangue,  began  as  fol- 
lows  :.... 


THE  ORATION. 

Massa  shentiman;  I  be  cash  crab  in  de  Wye 
river:  found  ting  in  de  mud ;  tone,  big  a  man's  foot : 
holes  like  to  he  ;   fetch  Massa:   Massa  say,  it  be  de 

Indian  moccason Ol  fat  de  call  it ;  all  tone.     lie 

say,  you  be  a  iilasafa,  Cuff:  I  say,  O  no,  Massa, 
you  be  de  filasafa.  Wei;  two  tree  monts  afta,  Mas- 
sa call  me,  and  say,  You  be  a  filasafa,  Cuff,  fo'  sar- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  151 

tan :  Getta  ready,  and  go  dis  city,  and  make  grate 
peech  for  shentima  filasafa.  I  say,  fat  say,  Massa  ? 
Massa  say,  sombody  say,  dat  de  first  man  was  de 
fite  man ;  but  you  say,  dat  de  first  man  was  de  black 
a-man.  Vel,  I  set  out :  came  along :  Massa  gi 
me  pass.  Some  say,  where  you  go  Cuff  ?  I  say,  dis 
city,  be  a  filasafa.  O  no  Cuff,  you  be  no  filasafa : 
call  me  fool,  gi  me  kick  i'de  backside ;  fall  down, 
get  up  again,  and  come  to  dis  city. 

Now,  shentima,  I  say,  dat  de  first  man  was  de 
black  a-man,  and  de  first  woman  was  de  black  a-wo- 
man  ;  an  get  two  tree  children  ;  de  rain  vasha  dese, 
an  de  snow  pleach,  an  de  coula  come  brown,  yella, 
coppa  coula,  and,  at  de  last,  quite  fite ;  an  de  hair 
long  ;  an  da  fal  out  vid  van  anoda ;  and  van  cash  by 
de  nose,  an  pull ;  so  de  nose  come  lang,  sharp  nose. 

Now  I  go  home,  Massa  shentima ;  an  tel  grate 
Massa,  dat  make  peech,  an  ibedy  body  vas  da  ;   an 

den  Cuff  fin   a  more  tings cabs,  oysta,  cat-fish, 

bones,  tones,  ibedy  ting.. ..sen  to  you,  shentima. 

The  oration  being  ended,  the  society  could  do  no 
less  than  appoint  a  committee  to  wait  on  Mr.  Cuff, 
and  request  a  copy  of  his  oration,  that  it  might  be 
published. 

But  the  Captain,  in  the  mean  time,  had  examined, 
with  great  attention,  the  whole  audience,  but  could 
not  discover  Teague.  Departing,  therefore,  with 
the  rest,  his  thoughts  recurred  to  his  first  idea,  viz. 
that  the  unfortunate  creature  had  committed  suicide. 
Drawing  up,  therefore,  an  advertisement,  he  sent  it 
to  a  daily  paper:  but,  though  it  appeared  next  morn- 
ing, and  the  day  elapsed,  there  was  no  word  of 
Teague. 


52       MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  n. 


THERE  is  no  fact  that  has  proved  more  stub- 
bom  than  the  diversity  of  the  human  species ;  espe- 
cially that  great  extreme  of  diversity  in  the  natives 
of  Africa.  How  the  descendants  of  Adam  and  Eve, 
both  good  looking  people,  should  ever  come  to  be  a 
vile  negro,  or  even  a  mulatto  man  or  woman,  is  puz- 
zling. 

Some  have  conjectured,  that  a  black  complexion, 
frizzled  hair,  a  flat  nose,  and  bandy  legs,  were  the 
mark  set  on  Cain,  for  the  murder  of  his  brother 
Abel.  But,  as  the  deluge  drowned  the  whole  world 
and  only  one  family  was  saved,  the  blacks  must 
have  all  perished;  like  the  Mammoth,  whose  bones 
are  found  on  the  Ohio,  and  other  places,  which  was 
too  big  for  Noah  to  get  into  the  ark. 

Some  suppose,  that  it  was  the  curse  pronounced 
upon  Canaan,  the  son  of  Noah,  for  looking  at  his  fa- 
ther's nakedness.  They  got  rid  by  this  means  of 
the  difficulty  of  the  flood ;  but  by  Moses'  own  account 
the  Canaanites  were  the  descendants  of  Canaan; 
and  we  do  not  hear  of  them  being  negroes,  which, 
had  it  been  the  case,  we  cannot  doubt  would  have 
been  laid  hold  of  by  the  Israelites,  as  a  circiftnstance 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  \5^ 

to  justify  their  extirpating,  or  making  slaves  of 
them. 

Lord  Kaimes,  in  his  Sketches  of  the  History  of 
Man,  solves  the  difficulty,  by  supposing,  that,  at  the 
building  of  Babel,  there  was  a  confusion  of  com- 
plexions, as  well  as  languages.  But,  besides  that 
it  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  the  historians  would 
pass  over  so  material  %  circumstance,  without  par- 
ticularly mentioning  it,  it  is  introducing  a  miracle, 
which  we  are  not  warranted  in  doing,  unless  it  had 
been  expressly  laid  down  to  have  been  wrought. 

The  last  theory,  has  been  that  of  accounting  for 
the  change,  from  the  climate,  and  accident  of  wind 
and  weather  ;  calling  in  aid,  in  the  mean  time,  the 
imagination  of  the  motliers.  This  does  not  appear 
altogether  satisfactory.  At  least,  there  are  those 
who  would  not  be  averse  to  hear  some  other  solution 
of  the  difficulty.  I  have  thought  of  one,  which  I 
would  suggest  with  great  diffidence ;  the  authors  of 
those  before  me  being  great  men,  and  their  hypo- 
thesis not  to  be  lightly  overthrown. 

I  am  of  opinion  that  Adam  was  a  tall,  straight 
limbed,  red  haired  man,  with  a  fair  complexion, 
blue  eyes,  and  an  aquihne  nose,  and  that  Eve  was  a 
negro  woman. 

For  what  necessity  to  make  them  both  of  the 
same  colour,  feature,  and  form,  when  there  is  beau- 
ty in  variety.  Do  not  you  see  in  a  tulip,  one  leaf 
bluf ,  and  another  white,  and  sometimes  the  same 
leaf  white  and  red? 

As  God  made  Adam  in  his  own  likeness,  so  it  is 
to  be  supposed,  that  Adam  begat  some  in  his,  and 
these  were  red  haired,  fair  complexioned,  blue  eyed, 
proportionabiy  featured  boys  and  girls,  while,  on  the 
other  hand,  some  took  after  the  mother,  and  became 
negro  men  and  women.     From  a  mixture  of  com- 

VOL,  I,  p 


154  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

plexion,  the  offspring,  at  other  times,  might  be  a 
shade  darker,  in  one  case,  than  the  father ;  and  a 
shade  lighter,  in  another  case,  than  the  mother,  and 
hence  a  diversifyed  progeny,  with  a  variety  of  fea- 
tures, from  the  bottle-nose  to  the  mire-snipe,  which 
is  that  of  the  people  in  the  west  of  Ireland ;  and  from 
the  auburn  of  the  Corsican  hair,  to  the  golden  locks 
of  the  Caledonian  beauty ;  and  from  the  black  eye  to 
the  hazle  and  the  grey.        * 

It  may  be  asked,  how  at  the  flood,  when  Noah, 
his  wife,  his  three  sons,  and  their  wives,  eight  per^ 
sons,  only  were  sayed?  It  is  but  giving  some  of  the 
^ons  negro  wenches  for  their  wives,  and  you  have 
Jhe  matter  all  right. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  155 


CHAPTER  III 


AS  i  have  said,  the  day  passed  over,  and  there 
was  no  word  of  Teague.  In  the  evening,  as  it  was 
usual  with  the  gentlemen  at  the  Indian  Queen,  to  gq 
to  some  place  for  the  amusement  of  an  hour  or  two, 
mention  being  made  of  a  celebrated  preaeher,  a 
Universalist,  as  he  was  called;  that  is,  one  who 
preaches  tlie  doctrine  of  universal  salvation ;  it  was 
proposed  to  go  to  hear  him,  as  he  was  to  hold  forth 
that  evening.  The  Captain  readily  consented,  and 
it  struck  him,  that,  as  this  was  a  new  fangled  doc- 
trine, and  the  preacher  had  made  a  great  noise^  and 
as  it  was  a  doctrine  that,  conscious  of  a  good  deal  of 
fornication,  would  naturally  please  Teague,  it  was 
not  impossible  but  the  Irishman  might  have  become 
a  disciple  of  this  reformist,  and  be  at  his  conventicle. 

Coming  in  amongst  the  crowd,  and  obtaining 
seats,  they  saw  the  preacher  ascend  the  pulpit,  an^ 
after  the  preliminary  exercise  of  psalms  and  prayer, 
take  a  text,  and  begin  his  sermon. 

His  text  was  taken  from  one  of  those  passages  of 
scripture,  which  speaks  of"  the  lion  lying  down  with 
the  kid,  and  the  tyger  with  the  lamb,"  which  have 
been  interpreted  of  the  Millenium,  but  were  applied 
by  him,  to  that  period,  when,  as  the  sea  shall  give  up 


156~  MODERN  CHIVALHY. 

her  dead,  so  hell  shall  give  up  her  damned,  and  the 
devil  himself  shall  come  to  lick  salt  out  of  the  hand 
of  an  angel. 

Enlarging  on  this  doctrine,  and  supporting  it  with 
a  variety  of  proofs  from  scripture,  and  arguments 
from  reason,  he  seemed  to  have  brought  the  matter 
to  a  point,  answering  all  objections,  and  closing  in 
ivith  the  hearer.  At  this  stage,  using  that  figure  of 
oratory,  which  is  usual  in  the  pulpit,  of  asking  ques- 
tions, and  pressing  for  an  answer,  but  expecting 
none ;  he  would  say,  is  not  this  conclusive  ?  Is  it  not 
evident  ?  Is  there  any  here  can  advance  an  argument 

against  it?  Will  any  of  you  speak I  pause  for  an 

jinswer  ? 

Mr.  M'Donald,  in  the  mean  time,  (the  Scotch  gen» 
tleman,  who  happened  to  be  there,)  thinking  him 
really  serious,  and  that  he  wanted  an  answer,  or  ta- 
king advantage  of  the  pause  and  the  interrogation, 
to  speak  his  mind,  leaning  over  the  front  of  a  back 
seat,  made  reply : 

,  Why,  said  he,  I  like  the  doctrine  well  enough, 
and  ha'  na'  disposition  to  o*er  throw  it.  I  dinna 
inuckle  care  if  there  ware  na'  hell  ava.  If  ye  could 
mal^e  that  out,  I  wad  rather  hear  it,  than  o'  being 
smoaked  twa'  or  three  thousand  years  in  the  devil's 
nuke,  or  singed  wi'  his  burnt  brimstone,  even  if 
we  should  get  out  afterwards.  Ye  need  na'  put 
yourself  in  a  passion,  or  be  flee'd  that  you'll  no  get 
proselytes,  for  I  shall  warrant  you,  as  many  every 
night  as  ye  can  weel  stow  awa  i'  the  conventicle. 

The  preacher  giving  thanks  to  God  for  the  success 
in  his  ministry,  in  the  remarkable  conversion  of  the 
mian  who  spoke,  the  Scotch  gentleman  said  again, 
ye  need  na  ca'  it  a  conversion,  for  I  ha'  been  o'  the 
same  opinion  a'  my  life,  that  it  was  a  sare  thing  to 
bide  the  kiln  of  hell,  and  they  wad  deserve  mucklc 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  157 

thanks  wha  could  establish  that  we  should  na'  stay 
long  in  it,  or  that  there  was  na'  such  place  ava. 

The  preacher  commenting  upon  this,  observed 
that  some  were  orthodox  from  their  birth,  like  Jere- 
miah, who  was  sanctified  in  his  mother's  womb, 
but  others  were  hardly  brought  to  the  truth  with 
much  teaching  and  instruction.  That  the  present 
was  a  happy  instance  of  one  who  was  in  the  right 
way  from  his  very  early  years. 

The  Captain  in  the  mean  time,  had  been  thinking 
of  the  doctrine,  and  thought  it  reasonable  to  sup- 
pose, that  the  Almighty  might  relieve  after  some 
time,  and  let  the  devils  go.  Just  as  with  himself  at 
present  in  the  case  of  Teague :  if  he  had  got  his 
hands  on  the  bog-trotter,  he  could  not  help  being 
very  angry,  and  would  be  disposed  to  punish  him 
with  great  severity,  but  after  some  time  he  knew 
his  passion  would  subside,  and  he  would  forget  his 
delinquencies. 

Teague  in  this  manner  running  in  his  head,  as  the 
people,  after  some  epilogue  of  prayer  and  benedic- 
tion, being  dismissed,  were  retiring,  he  got  up,  and 
raising  his  voice,  begged  the  audience  to  detain  a 

little Good  people,  said  he,  if  any  of  you  should 

come  across  a  young  man,  a  servant  of  mine,  of  the 
name  of  Teague  0*Regaii,  I  shall  thank  you  to  send 
me  notice  to  the  Indiai>  Queen,  where  I  lodge. 
And,  according  to  the  advertisement  in  this  day's 
paper,  I  will  give  two  dollars  reward. 

Thinking  him  deranged  in  ins,  brain,  they  pro- 
ceeded, and  tooli  no  notice  of  the  proclamation. 


r  2 


15S  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


CONTAINING    OBSERVATIONS. 

IN  the  infancy  of  Christianity  it  was  thought  a 
hard  matter  to  get  to  heaven,  and  that  when  once  in 
hell,  there  was  no  getting  out.  A  certain  father  of 
the  church,  of  the  name  of  Origen,  was  the  first  to 
be  more  liberal  in  his  sentiments,  and  thought,  that, 
after  a  certain  period,  there  would  be  a  jail-delivery 
of  the  damned.  X  do  not  know  that  he  went  so  far 
as  to  let  the  devils  themselves  out  upon  a  furlough, 
but  at  the  present  time,  we  all  know  very  well,  that 
the  time  will  come  when  they  will  be  out  all  toge- 
ther: at  least  the  universalists  tell  us  this,  and 
prove  it. 

The  doctrine  was  received  in  some  part  by  the 
early  councils,  but  in  other  parts  rejected.  The 
matter  was  compounded  by  establishing  a  purgatory, 
for  not  consenting  to  liberate  from  hell,  in  order  to 
satisfy  the  advocates  of  a  temporary  punishment^ 
they  fixed  up  a  middle  place,  where  all  the  advanta- 
ges of  penal  purgation  could  be  enjoyed,  without  the 
necessity  of  contradicting  the  eternity  of  hell  tor- 
ments. 


p 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  n9. 


Indeed  under  the  catholic  church,  the  straight 
gate  and  the  narrow  way,  and  the  many  called  and 
few  chosen,  was  a  good  deal  laid  aside,  and  the  road 
made  pretty  plain  by  indulgencies  and  absolutions. 
But  at  the  reformation,  the  matter  was  brought 
back  to  its  old  bed  again,  and  the  cry  of  there  being 
but  a  remnant  saved,  was  raised  in  every  pulpit. 
There  has  been  some  relaxation  of  late  years  with 
almost  every  sect  of  protestants ;  and  there  is  not 
just  such  a  fury  of  tumbling  great  crowds  into  the 
tolbooth,  as  there  was  in  the  days  of  John  Knox, 
and  the  framers  of  the  Westminster  confession  of 
faith,  and  the  catechisms.  Dr.  Bellamy,  a  New- 
England  divine,  some  years  ago,  stated  in  his  pam- 
phlet, that  the  damned  would  be  to  the  saved,  as  the 
malefactors  of  a  country  to  honest  people,  that  came 
to  an  untimely  end  by  jail  or  jibbet.  Some  now 
preach  boldly,  not  perhaps  a  total  exemption  from 
future  punishment,  but  a  final  restoration  from  it ; 
so  that  the  matter  is  now  brought  nearly  to  what  it 
was  in  the  days  of  Origen.  I  do  not  know  that  I 
would  be  of  opinion  with  the  Scotch  gentleman,  and 
wish  the  matter  carried  farther,  establishing^  that 
there  is  no  hell  at  all;  because  if  the  thing  should 
take  a  turn,  it  might  go  to  the  other  extreme,  and  be 
all  hell,  so  that  none  should  be  saved ;  and  instead 
of  universal  salvation,  we  should  then  have  the  doc- 
trine of  the  damnation  of  the  .--vhole,  bodily. 


IGO  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  V. 


THE  next  day,  revolving  every  thing  in  hiS 
mind,  it  occurred  to  the  Captain,  that  the  Irishman 
might  have  gone  out  of  town,  hearing  of  an  election 
at  a  district,  and  have  been  elected  to  Congress. 
As  that  body  was  then  sitting,  he  thought  it  could 
be  no  great  trouble  to  go  to  the  house,  and  cast  an 
eye  from  the  gallery,  and  see  if  the  raggamuffin  had 
got  there.  There  was  one  that  had  a  little  of  the 
brogue  of  Teague  upon  his  tongue,  but  nothing  of 
his  physiognomy;  others  had  a  good  deal  of  his 
manner,  -but  there  was  none  that  came  absolutely  up 
to  the  physic  of  his  person. 

However,  being  here,  the  Captain  thought  it  not 
amiss  to  listen  a  while  to  the  debates  upon  the  car- 
pet. A  certain  bill  was  depending,  and  made,  it 
seems,  the  order  of  the  day.  Mr.  Cogan  being  on 
the  floor,  spoke:.... Sir,  said  he,  addressing  himself 
to  the  chair,  the  bill  in  contemplation,  is,  in  my 
opinion,  of  a  dangerous  tendency.  I  will  venture  to 
fbrtel,  that,  if  it  goes  into  a  law,  the  cows  will  have 
fewer  calves,  and  the  sheep  less  wool ;  hens  will  lay 
fewer  eggs,  and  cocks  forget  to  crow  day -light.  The 
horses  will  be  worse  shod,  and  stumble  more ;  our 
watches  go  too  slow ;  corns   grow  upon   our  toes  ; 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  161 

young  women  have  the  stomach  ach;  old  men  the 
gout;  and  middle  aged  persons  fainting  fits.  The 
larks  will  fall  dead  in  the  field ;  the  frogs  croak  till 
they  burst  their  bags ;  and  the  leaves  of  the  trees  fall 
before  the  autumn.  Snow  will  be  found  in  the  heat 
of  harvest,  and  the  dog-days  in  winter.  The  rivers 
will  revert;  and  the  shadows  fall  to  the  east  in  the 
morning.  The  moon  will  be  eclipsed;  and  the 
equinoxes  happen  at  a  wrong  season  of  the  year. 
"Was  it  not  such  a  bill  as  this,  that  changed  the  old 
stile ;  that  made  the  eclipse  in  the  time  of  Julius  Ce- 
sar ;  that  produced  an  earthquake  at  Jamaica,  and 
sunk  Port  Royal ?  All  history,  both  ancient  and  mo«- 
dem,  is  full  of  the  mischiefs  of  such  a  bill.  I  shall 
therefore  vote  against  it. 

Mr.  Bogan  was  now  on  the  floor,  and  advocated 
the  good  effects  of  the  bill. 

Sir,  said  he,  addressing  himself  to  the  chair,  I  apt 
pear  in  support  of  the  bill.    I  say,   it  will  have  a. 
good  effect  on  the  physical  world  especially.     Th0 
ducks  will  be  fatter,  the  geese  heavier,  the  swans 
whiter,   the   red-birds   sing   better,    and  patridges 
j  come  more  easily  into  traps.     It  will  kill  rats,  muz- 
i  zle  calves,  and  cut  colts ;  and  multiply  the  breed  of 
,  oysters,  and  pickle  cod-fish.     It  will  moderate  the 
I  sun*s  heat,  and  the  winter's  cold ;   prevent  fogs,  and. 
\  cure  the  ague.     It  will  help  the  natural  brain,  brace 
the  nerves,  cure  sore  eyes,   and  the  cholic,  and  re-^ 
I  move  rheumatisms.     Consult  experience,  and  it  will 
be  found,  that  provisions  of  the  nature  proposed  by 
this  bill,  have  an  astonishing  influence  in  this  res- 
pect, where  they  have  been  tried.     I  must  take  the 
[liberty  to  say,  the  gentleman's  allegations  are  totally 
unfounded;   and  he  has  committed  himself,  in  the 
matter  of  his  history ;  the  earthquake  in  Jamaica  not 
happening  in  the  time  of  Julius  Cesar ;   and  there- 


162  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

fore  could  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  eclipse  of  the 
sun.     I  shall,  therefore,  vote  in   favour  of  the  bill. 

Mr.  Cogan  rose  to  explain,  and  said,  that  he  did 
not  say,  that  the  earthquake  at  Jamaica  was  at  the 
same  time  with  the  eclipse  of  the  sun,  which  hap- 
pened at  the  birth  of  Julius  Cesar. 

Mr.  Bogan  rose  to  correct  the  gentleman:  It  was 
not  at  the  birth  of  Julius  Cesar,  but  at  his  death,  that 
the  earthquake  happened. 

Mr.  Hogan  was  on  the  floor:  Said,  he  thought  he 
could  reconcile  the  gentlemen  on  that  head.  It  was 
well  known  Julius  Cesar  lived  about  the  time  of  the 
rebellion  in  Scotland,  a  little  after  Nebuchadnezzar, 
king  of  the  Jews.  As  to  the  earthquake,  he  did  not 
remember  what  year  it  happened,  and  therefore 
could  say  nothing  about  it. 

At  this  period,  the  question  being  called,  it  was 
put,  and  carried  by  a  majority  of  25. 

The  Captain,  satisfied  with  this  sample  of  Con- 
gressional debates;  retired,  and  came  to  his  lodgings^ 


r 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  16% 


CHAPTER  VI. 


IT  was  about  three  or  ;four  o'clock  in  the  after- 
Booiif  that  some  one,  who  read  the  advertisement 
respecting  Teague,  came  to  the  Captain,  and  inform- 
ed him,  that  a  person  answering  the  description, 
had  been  lately  employed  to  teach  Greek  in  the 
University.  Struck  with  the  idea,  that  the  bog-trot- 
ter might  have  passed  himself  for  a  Greek  scholar, 
whereas  he  understood  only  Irish,  he  set  out  to  the 
University,  to  make  enquiry.  Knocking  at  the  door 
<>f  the  principal,  he  was  admitted ;  and  being  seated, 
addressed  him  as  follows :  Said  he,  sir,  a  pedeseque 
of  mine,  (for  talking  to  the  rector  of  a  college,  he  did 
not  chuse  to  use  the  vulgar  terms,  waiter,  or  bog- 
trotter,)  a  pedeseque  of  mine,  whom^  I  have  found 
useful,  save  that  he  is  somewhat  troublesome  in 
pretending  to  places  of  appointment  for  which  he  is 
not  qualified ;  athing,  by  the  bye,  too  common  inthis 
country;  where  men,  without  the  aid  of  academic 
knowledge,  thrust  themselves  into  places  requiring 
great  learning  and  ability :  (This  he  said  to  flatter 
Jie  man  of  letters ;  as  if  a  man  could  know  but  little 
that  had  not  been  forged x)r  furbished  at  his  school.) 
I  say,  this  pedeseque  of  mine,  has  absconded  for 
liome  days,  and  I  have  been  able  to  collect  no  ac* 


164  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

count  of  him  until  last  evening,  that  a  person,  ha- 
ving read  an  advertisement  of  mine  in  the  gazette, 
came  to  me,  and  informed,  that  one  answerihg  the 
description  I  had  given,  both  as  to  appearance  and 
accomplishments,  had  been  lately  employed,  as  pro- 
fessor of  the  Greek  language,  in  this  University. 
Now^,  though  I  well  know  this  Pady,  as  I  may  call 
him,  to  understand  no  Greek,  yet,  as  he  speaks 
Irish,  and  has  much  assurance,  and  little  honesty  in 
matters  where  his  ambition  is  concerned,  I  did  not 
know  but  he  might  have  imposed  himself  upon  you 
for  a  Greek  scholar,  and  obtained  a  professorship. 

The  principal  made  answer,  that  it  was  true  that 
a  person  from  Ireland  had  been  lately  employed  in 
that  capacity,  and  that  should  he  be  discovered  to 
be  an  impostor,  it  would  be  using  the  University 
very  ill.  The  Captain  thought  so  too,  and  taking  it 
for  granted  that  it  was  Teague,  expressed  his  sur- 
prise that  they  had  not  examined  him,  before  he 
was  admitted ;  or  at  least  had  such  proof  by  letters 
as  would  have  had  ascertained  his  being  qualified. 
The  principal  observed,  that  as  to  examination,  they 
had  no  one  at  hand  to  examine,  as  there  were  none 
of  the  trustees  or  professors  of  other  branches  in 
the  University  understood  Greek;  as  for  himself  he 
did  not,  having  not  studied  it  in  early  life,  and  for  a 
series  of  years  having  given  himself  to  politics  and 
mathematics ;  so  that  unless  they  could  send  out 
for  a  Roman  Catholic  priest,  or  a  Scotch  clergyman, 
there  was  none  to  examine.  The  improbability  of 
any  person  passing  himself,  above  all  things,  for  a 
master  ofthe  "Greek  language  on  the  score  of  under- 
standing- Irish,  was  such,  that  it  never  came  into 
their  heads  to  suspect  it,  so  as  to  demand  letters. 

Had  you  known,  said  the  Captain,  this  bog-trotter 
of  mine,  (here  he  forgot  the   word  pedeseque,)  as 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  165 

well  as  I  do,  you  would  not  be  surprised  at  his  at- 
tempting any  thing ;  and  that  he  should  be  now  in 
your  academy  giving  (ireek  lectures,  understanding 
nothing  but  the  vemacular  tongue  of  his  own  coun- 
try. Here  he  gave  an  account  of  his  setting  up  for 
Congress  Sec.  as  explained  in  the  preceding  part  of 
this  narrative. 

However,  wishing  to  see  the  raggamuffin,  that  he 
might  unkennel  him,  he  was  accompanied  by  the 
principal  to  the  chamber  of  the  pseudo  professor, 
considering  as  he  went  along,  in  what  manner  he 
should  accost  him ;  whether  he  should  break  out  up- 
on him  with  a  direct  invective,  or  with  ironical 
words ;  such  as,  Mr.  Professor,  you  must  be  a  very 
learned  man,  not  only  to  understand  Irish,  but 
Greek:  but  perhaps  the  Greek  and  Irish  language 
are  much  the  same.  It  must  be  so,  for  I  know  that 
a  few  days  ago,  you  did  not  understand  a  word  of 
this,  and  to  acquire  a  dead  language  in  such  a  short 
time  would  be  impossible,  unless  the  living  tongue 
was  a  good  deal  a-kin  to  it.  But  I  had  never  under- 
stood that  Irish  had  any  more  affinity  to  the  language 
of  Athens  and  Sparta,  than  the  Erse,  or  the  German, 
or  the  Welch  ;  however,  we  must  live  and  learn,  as 
the  saying  is ;  you  have  shewn  us  what  we  never 
knew  before. 

Oonning  a  speech  of  this  sort  in  his  omti  mind, 
with  a  view  to  divert  the  principal,  and  amuse  him- 
self with  Teague,  he  entered  the  chamber  of  the 
professor,  who  satin  an  elbow  chair,  with  Thucidy- 
des  before  him. 

What  was  the  surprise  of  the  Captain,  to  find  tliat 
\  it  was  not  Teague. 

In  fact  it  was  a  person  not  wholly  unlike  him,  es- 
pecially in  a  tinge  of  the  brogue  which  he  betrayed 
in  his  discourse  ;  for  though  the  professor  was  realljr 

VOL.  I.  Q^ 


166  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

a  man  of  education,  having  been  early  sent  to  St; 
Omer's,  where  he  had  studied,  being  intended  for  a 
priest,  and  understood  not  only  the  Greek  and  La- 
tin, but  spoke  French  ;  yet  in  the  pronunciation  of 
the  En,:5lish  tongue,  he  had  that  prolongation  of  the 
sound  of  a  word,  and  articulation  of  the  vowel  O, 
which  constitutes  what  is  vulgarly  called  the  brogue,  | 
as  being  the  pronunciation  of  the  native  Irish,  who 
jbeing  a  depressed  people,  are  most  of  them  poor,  and 
wear  a  kind  of  mean  shoe  which  they  call  a  brogue. 

After  an  apology  to  the  professor  for  mistaking 
him  for  a  certain  Teague  O'Regan,  whom  he  had  in 
his  employment ;  at  the  request  of  the  professor, 
the  principal  and  the  Captain  took  seats. 

The  professor  said,  his  name  was  not  O'Regan, 
being  O'Dougherty,  but  he  knew  the  O'Regans  very 
well  in  Ireland.  There  was  a  Pady  O'Regan  in  the 
same  class  with  him  at  St.  Omer's,  when  he  read 
Craike.  That  he  was  a  good  scholar,  and  under- 
stood Craike  very  well ;  and  he  would  be  glad  if  he 
was  over  in  this  country  to  teach  Craike  here ;  it  ap- 
peared to  be  a  very  scarce  language,  but  he  had  be- 
come a  praste,  and  was  now  a  missionary  to  Para- 
guay, in  South-America. 

The  Captain  punning  on  his  pronunciation  of  the 
word  Greek,  and  willing  to  amuse  himself  a  little 
with  the  professor,  could  not  help  observing,  that  he 
was  under  a  mistake  as  to  the  scarceness  of  the^ 
Craike  language  in  these  States.  That  there  were 
whole  tribes  who  spoke  the  Craike  language ;  there 
was  that  of  the  heron,  and  the  raven,  and  several 
other  fowls-  A  German  professor  who  was  present, 
apprehending  the  Captain  to  be  under  a  mistake, 
and  willin'^  to  correct  him,  -observed.... It  is,  said  he, 
the  Creek  language,  that  the  professor  means.  As 
to  that,  said  the  Captain,  it  is  also  spoken  plentifully 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  167 

in  America.  There  is  a  whole  nation  of  Indians,  on 
the  borders  of  South- Carolina  and  Georgia,  that 
speak  the  Creek  language,  men,  women,  and  chil- 
dren. 

The  professors  knowing  more  of  the  classics  than 
of  the  geography  of  these  United  States,  and  of  the 
heatlien  gods  more  than  of  the  aborigines  of  this 
countiy,  expressed  astonishment.  If  what  you  tell 
me  be  a  trut,  said  he,  it  is  a  crate  discovery  ;  per- 
haps dese  may  have  de  fragments  o*  de  books  de 
philosophers  and  poets  that  are  lost,  and  de  profes- 
€ors  cannot  come  acrass  in  deir  own  countries ;  but  I 
have  tought  dat  de  Craike  language  was  spoke  only 
in  de  Morea,  and  a  little  in  Russia  and  Constantino- 
ple. 

The  Captain  assured  him,  the  principal  favouring 
the  mistake,  by  a  grave  face,  and  bowing  as  the  Cap- 
tain spoke,  that  it  was  absolutely  the  vernacular 
language  of  these  people. 

Why  den,  said  the  other,  do  dey  not  get  profes- 
sors from  amongst  dese  to  tache  Craike  in  deir 
colleges  ? 

Because,  said  the  Captain,  we  have  been  hereto- 
fore on  hostile  terms  with  these  Indians,  and  it  19 
but  of  late  that  we  have  made  a  peace.  But  now,  it 
is  to  be  presumed,  we  shall  have  it  in  our  power  to 
procure  from  them  able  teachers. 

The  professor  was  alarmed  at  this,  as  supposing 
it  would  supercede  the  necessity  of  his  services  j  or, 
at  least,  much  reduce  the  price  of  his  tuition.  He 
could  have  wished  he  had  not  come  to  this  quarter 
of  the  world;  and  was  almost  ready  in  his  own  mind, 
to  bind  up  what  he  had,  and  go  back  to  Clogher. 

So  ended  their  visit  to  the  University,  and  the 
Captain  withdrew. 


168  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

IT  may  be  thought  a  preposterous  idea,  that  it  j 
could,  for  a  moment,  be  supposed  possible,  that  the  ! 
pedeseque   could   have    had   the  assurance  to  pass 
himself  for  a  Grecian.     But  I  had  it  from  the  Mar- 
quis de  la  Luzerne,  that  a  friend  of  his,  who  was  in 
some  public  capacity  at  Moscow,  and  was  entertained  i 
by  a  principal  inhabitant   of  the  city,   was  asked  by 
him  to  visit  an  academy  where  the  French  language 
was  taught,  and  at  which  his  son,  a  young  lad,  then 
was.     What  was  the  surprise  of  the  gentleman,  to 
find  a  Pady  from  Cork,   who  understood  not  a  sin- 
gle word  of  French,  or  Latin,  teaching  an  unknown 
fjibbeiish,  which  most  probably  was  Irish  ? 


f 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  169 


CHAPTER  VH. 


OUR  chevalier  was  now  at  his  wits  end,  not  be- 
ing able  to  conceive  of  any  other  place  of  amusement 
in  which  Teague  might  be  found;  when  all  at  once 
it  came  into  his  head,  (led  to  it,  perhaps,  from  the 
reference,  in  his  late  conversation,  to  the  Indian 
tribes )  that  probably  he  might  have  fallen  in  with 
the  Indian  treaty-man,  and  have  been  prevailed  upon 
to  personate  a  chief.  It  appeared  to  him,  therefore, 
adviscable  to  go  directly  to  the  secretary  at  war,  to 
know  if  any  party  of  Indians  had  been  lately  there 
to  negociate  a  treaty. 

Being  introduced,  and  after  some  ceremony,  ac- 
costing the  secretary,  he  gave  him  to  understand 
why  it  was  that  he  had  the  honour  to  wait  upon  him, 
viz.  that  he  had  a  servant  of  the  name  of  Teague 
O'Regan,  an  Irishman,  who  had  been  absent  some 
days,  and  that  from  a  circumstance  which  happened 
in  the  way  to  the  city,  he  had  reason  to  suspect,  he 
might  have  been  picked  up  by  a  certain  Indian  trea- 
ty-man, to  supply  the  place  of  a  Welch  blacksmith, 
who  had  died,  and  had  passed  for  a  chief  of  the 
Kickapoos. 

The  secretary  was  a  good  deal  chagrined,  believ- 
ing the  Captain  to  be  some  wag,  that  had  come  to 
<^2 


iro  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

make  this  enquiry  by  way  of  burlesque  on  the  Indian 
treaties;  and  with  some  irritation  of  mind,  gave  him 
to  understand,  that  there  had  been  no  Indian  treaty- 
man,  or  Kickapoo  chief  there ;  that  no  treaty  had 
been  held  with  the  Indians  for  above  a  month  past, 
since  the  king  of  the  Togamogans  had  drawn  goods; 
but  treaty  or  no  treaty,  it  ill  became  him,  in  the  ap- 
pearance of  a  gentleman,  to  throw  a  burlesque  upon 
government,  by  insinuating  that  his  Irishman  could 
be  imposed  upon  them  for  a  chief. 

I  mean  no  burlesque,  said  the  Captain,  a  little  ir- 
ritated in  his  turn  ;  1  have  had  too  much  trouble  to 
keep  him  from  the  Indian  treaty-man  that  was  co- 
ming here,  to  be  disposed  to  jest  with  so  serious  an 
affair.  The  hair-breadth  escape  of  going  to  Con- 
gress, or  being  licensed  as  a  preacher,  or  being  cho- 
sen as  a  member  of  the  philosophical  society,  was 
nothing  to  this,  as  it  was  so  diiiicult  to  guard  against 
it,  the  Indian  recruiters  imitating  savages,  not  only 
in  their  dress  and  painting,  but  in  the  dexterity  to 
way-lay  and  surprise. 

I  wish  you  to  know,  sir,  said  the  secretary,  that  I 
comprehend  your  burlesque  very  well.  But  though 
you  and  others  may  misrepi  esv;nt  our  policy  in  the 
Indian  treaties,  it  is  base  iicny  and  riJicule  to  insi- 
nuate that  the  Indians  we  treat  with  are  not  chiefs. 

Chiefs,  or  no  chiefs,  said  the  Captain^  I  am  not 
saying,  nor  care;  but  only  wish  to  know  if  you  have 
been  instituting  any  treaty  with  my  Tea2,ue,  who  has 
been  absent  some  days. 

I  will  be  much  obliged  to  you  to  withdraw  from 
my  office,,  said  the  secretary. 

I  shall  withdraw,  said  the  Captain,  and  not  with 
that  respect  for  your  understanding  and  politeness 
which  I  cQuld  have  wished  to  entertain.     I  have  ad- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  171 

dressed  you  with  civility,  and  I  was  entitled  to  a  ci- 
vil answer  ;  but  I  see  the  "  insolence  of  office,'*  is 
well  enumerated  by  the  poet,  amongst  the  evils  that 
make  us  sick  of  life.  Your  humble  servant,  Mon- 
sieur Secretary,  I  shall  trouble  you  no  further. 


in  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VHI. 


RETURNING  to  the  Indian  Queen,  a  play- 
bill for  the  evening  had  announced  the  performance 
of  the  tragedy  of  Macbeth,  and  a  farce  called  the 
Poor  Soldier.  A  party  of  the  gentlemen  from  the 
public  house,  had  taken  a  box,  and  the  Captain 
agreed  to  go  with  them  to  the  play.  Having  deli- 
vered their  tickets,  and  being  admitted  to  the  box,  it 
struck  the  Captain  to  cast  his  eye  upon  the  pit  and 
galleries,  and  observe  if  he  could  any  where  descry 
the  physiognomy  of  Teague.  As  before,  when  with 
the  same  view  he  surveyed  the  members  of  Con- 
gress, he  could  discover  »everal  that  a  good  deal  re- 
sembled him;  but  yet  not  the  identical  person.  The 
curtain  being  now  drawn,  the  play  began.  Nothing 
material  occurred  during  the  performance  of  the 
tragedy,  save  that  when  the  witches  came  in,  there 
was  one  in  her  cap  and  broomstick  whose  features  a 
good  deal  resembled  the  Irishman's,  and  who,  had 
she  not  been  an  old  woman,  and  a  witch,  might  have 
passed  for  Teague.  The  Captain  was  struck  with 
the  resemblance  of  features,  and  long  frame  of  the 
bog-trotter,  covered  with  a  short  gown  and  petticoat  j 
and  borrowing  a  glass  from  one  that  sat  in  the  box 
with  him,  endeavoured  to  reconnoitre  more  perfect- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1^3 

ly,  and  could  have  sworn  that  it  was  the  mother  or 
sister  of  Tea  ue,  that  had  just  came  from  Ireland, 
and  joined  the  company. 

The  tragedy  being  ended,  the  farce  began  to  be 
acted,  and  who  should  come  forward  in  the  charac- 
ter of  Darby,  but  the  lon^  sought  for  Teague.  The 
fact  was,  he  had  before  appeared  in  the  tragedy,  in 
the  character  of  an  over-grown  red-headed  witch. 
It  was  more  natural  for  him  to  appear  in  the  cha- 
racter of  Darby,  his  own  countryman;  for  he  spake 
with  the  brogue  naturally,  and  not  by  imitation. 
The  managers  had  had  him  all  the  while  of  his  ab- 
sence from  the  Captain,  under  tuition,  teaching  him 
his  part,  which  was  not  difficult  to  do ;  the  manner 
and  pronunciation  being  already  his  own. 

It  was  this  had  induced  the  managers  to  take  him. 
up,  as  a  substitute ;  the  person  who  actually  played 
the  part  of  Darby,  being  at  this  time  out  of  the  way. 
As  the  natural  squeal  of  a  pig  is  superior  to  an  imita- 
tion of  it ;  so  it  was  allowed  by  the  audience,  that 
Teague  exceeded  the  pseudo  Irishman  that  usually 
performed  this  part.  All  were  pleased  but  the  Cap- 
tain, whose  sense  of  propriety  could  scarcely  restrain 
him  from  throwing  his  cane  at  the  bog-trotter. 
Thought  he  with  himself,  what  avails  it  that  I  pre- 
vented him  from  taking  a  seat  in  a  legislative  body, 
or  from  preaching,  or  being  a  philosopher ;  if,  after 
all,  he  has  relinquished  my  service,  and  turned 
player ;  a  thing,  no  doubt,  fitter  for  him,  than  the  be- 
ing a  senator,  or  clergyman,  or  philosopher;  because 
he  can  appear  in  some  low  character  in  the  farce  or 
comedy,  and  come  off  tolerably  enough.  For  though 
amongst  the  dramatis  personae  of  learned  bodies, 
there  are  Tony  Lumpkins,  and  Darby  M'Faddins  in 
abundance,  yet  there  ought  to  be  none ;  and  Teague 


174  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

had  better  be  on  the  stage  than  in  such  capacities, 
since  he  must  be  somewhere.  But  to  leave  me 
without  notice,  after  all  my  civilities  to  him,  is  un- 
grateful, and  deserves  all  that  I  can  say  bad  con- 
cerning him.  I  shall  give  myself  no  farther  trouble 
on  this  head;  but  let  him  take  his  course.  I  must 
endeavour  to  find  another  servant  wh©  can  supply 
hh  place. 


MODERN  CmVALRY.  175 


CHAPTER  IX. 


THE  foregoing  had  been  the  reflections  of  the 
Captain  during  the  exhibition  of  the  farce.  But  the 
play  being  ended,  and  having  come  home,  the  next 
day  he  began  to  put  his  resolution  in  practice ;  and 
to  think  how  he  could  supply  himself  with  another 
servant.  It  struck  him  to  purchase  a  negro  j  and 
mentioning  this  to  the  company,  at  breakfast,  at  the 
Ihdian  Queen,  one  of  the  people  call  Quakers,  who 
was  present,  and  overheard  the  conversation,  made 
an  apology  for  the  liberty  he  took  in  making  some 
objections.  Friend,  said  he,  thee  appears  to  be  a 
discreet  man,  from  thy  behaviour,  and  conversation ; 
and  if  thee  will  not  be  offended,  I  would  ask  if  thee 
canst  reconcile  it  with  thy  principles,  to  keep  a  slave. 
As  to  that,  said  the  Captain,  I  have  thought  upon 
the  subject,  and  do  not  see  any  great  harm  in  the 
matter.  If  we  look  to  inanimate  nature,  we  shall 
find,  that  the  great  law  is  Force.  The  Cartesians 
call  it  pressure  and  suction :  The  Nev/tonians  call  it 
attraction  and  gravitation.  The  sun,  the  largest  bo- 
dy in  the  universe,  endeavours  to  draw  all  towards 
it ;  while  the  lesser  globes  struggle  to  fly  off*  at  a  tan- 
gent. The  denser,  that  is,  denser  air,  takes  place 
of  the  rare ;  and  the  heavier  particles  of  water  cause 


176  MODERN  CHTVALRV. 

the  llg^hter  to  recede.  The  tall  oal?  overshades  the 
under  wood.  There  is  a  predominancy  and  subor- 
dination in  all  things.  In  the  animal  creation,  the 
weaLer  is  always  subject  to  the  strong  ;  who  even 
devour  them,  when  the  flesh  suits  their  appetite : 
and  the  very  teeth  and  jaw-bone  of  carnivorous  ani- 
mals, shew  the  intention  of  nature,  that  they  should 
make  a  prey  of  living  creatures.  Do  you  blame 
yourselves,  when  you  subjugate  elephants,  or  horses, 
or  oxen  of  the  plough,  to  your  use  ?  What  right  have 
you  to  invade  the  liberty  of  a  playful  young  colt, 
more  than  of  an  African  inhabitant  ?  Or  have  you 
not  as  good  a  right  to  take  up  a  negro,  and  put  him 
to  your  work,  as  you  have  to  cut  a  calf,  and  manu- 
facture him  for  the  draft  ? 

In  this  case,  there  is  a  difference,  said  the  Qua- 
ker ;  a  negro  is  a  human  creature,  and  posseses  all 
the  natural  rights  of  man. 

That  may  be,  said  the  Captain.  But  what  are  the 
natural  rii>hts  of  men?  Are  they  not  finally  resolv- 
able, as  in  the  inanimate  world,  into  power  on  the  one 
haYid,  and  weakness  on  the  other. 

Who  is  it  that  abstains  from  dominion,  when  he 
has  it  in  his  power  to  assert  it  ?  Power  is  the  great 
law  of  nature ;  and  nothing  but  the  pacts  or  conven- 
tions of  society  can  contravene  it.  I  should  think 
myself  justifiable  in  making  any  man  a  slave  to  an- 
swer my  purposes,  provided  I  treated  him  well  while 
he  was  such.  This  I  take  to  be  the  only  condition 
which  the  law  of  reason  annexes  to  the  enjoyment 
of  such  property.  I  may  be  warranted  in  taking, 
and  managing  an  animal  of  the  horse  kind;  but  it  is 
my  indisputable  duty  not  to  abuse  him  by  causing 
him  to  suffer  famine,  or  endure  too  much  toil.  The 
same  with  any  other  animal  that  I  enslave;  there  is 
a  tacit  condition  annexed  to  the  grant  which  the  law 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  ITT 

«f  nature  gives,  viz.  That  the  service  be  exacted 
with  moderation ;  and  proper  nourishment  be  pro- 
vided. I  admit  also,  that  humanity  would  dictate 
that  the  happiness  of  a  slave  ought  to  be  consulted 
as  much  as  is  consistent  with  my  own  convenience. 
For  instance  :  if  I  had  the  Grand  Turk  in  my  pow- 
er, as  he  has  been  accustomed  to  a  soft  and  effemi- 
nate way  of  living,  it  would  be  hard  to  put  him  all 
at  once  to  maul  rails,  or  clearing  out  meadow  ground ; 
or  if  it  should  fall  in  my  way  to  have  Catharine  of 
Russia  in  that  capacity,  as  she  is  a  woman  of  an  ele- 
vated mind,  it  would  be  inhuman  to  put  her  to  the 
lowest  drudgery,  such  as  scrubing  out  rooms,  and 
carrying  water  from  the  pump  ;  but  rather  indulge 
her  if  I  could  afford  it,  with  a  more  easy  employ- 
ment, especially  as  she  is  an  old  woman,  of  knitting 
stockings  and  carding  wool.  There  is  no  man  would 
be  more  disposed  to  treat  a  slave  with  tenderness 
than  myself ;  but  to  deny  me  of  my  right  altogether, 
of  making  one,  or  of  trafiicking  for  one  when  made^ 
is  carrying  the  matter  too  far. 

So  much  for  the  right  of  enslaving.  But  if  we 
put  it  on  the  principle  of  what  will  conduce  to  the 
aggregate  happiness  of  mankind,  we  shall  find  it  to 
be,  that  there  should  be  master  and  servant,  or  in 
other  words,  o^vner  and  slave.  The  economy  of  na- 
ture illustrates  this,  in  the  subserviency  of  one  thing 
to  another  :  But,  independent  of  any  illustration,  it 
miust  be  known  on  reflection,  and  is  felt  in  experi- 
ence, that  all  are  not  competent  to  all  things  ;  and 
in  the  case  of  temporary  servants,  much  time  is  ta- 
ken up  in  contracting  with  them  for  their  rema' 
nence  ;  and  it  is  a  considerable  time  before  they  get 
into  the  habit  of  our  service  ;  and  having  it  in  their 
power  to  retire  from  us,  when  inclination  may  di- 
rect, there  is  an  insecurity  in  the  attachment.     But 

VOL.  I.  a 


178  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

as  the  slave  has  the  master  always  to  provide  for 
him  ;  so  master  has  the  slave  always  to  subserve 
him  :  and  thus,  by  a  conjoint  interest,  the  felicity  of 
both  is  promoted,  and  the  sum  of  human  happiness 
increased.  Hence  it  is,  that  most  nations  have  made 
use  of  slaves.  The  patriarch  Abraham,  had  three- 
score and  ten  servants  bom  in  his  house.  What 
were  these  but  slaves  ?  The  Jews,  his  descendants, 
had  bond-men,  and  bond-women  :  Were  not  these 
slaves  ?  The  Roman  slaves  were  more  in  iiumber 
than  the  citizens ;  and  amongst  the  Greeks,  the 
most  virtuous  of  them,  viz.  the  Spartans,  kept  in 
their  service  the  most  depressed  of  all  slaves,  the 
Helotes  ;  who,  when  we  consider  the  black  broth, 
the  food,  and  severe  life  of  the  masters,  must  have 
lived  on  poor  fare,  and  in  a  laborious  service  indeed. 
But  it  may  be  said,  that  example  of  wrong  never 
constitutes  right.  Grant  it :  But  if  you  examine 
the  capacities,  and  even  inclinations  of  men,  will  you 
not  find,  that  some  are  qualified  only  to  be  slaves. 
They  have  not  understanding  to  act  for  themselves. 
Nor  do  all  love  freedom,  even  when  they  have  it.... 
Do  not  many  surrender  it ;  and  prefer  kissing  a 
great  man's  backside,  to  being  independent?  It  is 
not  always,  even  from  the  views  of  advantage,  that 
men  are  sycophants  ;  but  from  an  abstract  pleasure 
in  being  drawn  into  the  vortex  of  others.  There  is 
a  pleasure  in  slavery,  more  than  unenslaved  men 
know.  Why  is  it,  that,  even  after  the  convulsion  of 
a  revolution  in  a  government,  in  favour  of  liberty, 
there  is  a  natural  tendency  to  slavery ;  and  it  finally 
terminates  in  this  point.  The  fact  is,  a  state  of  li- 
berty is  an  unnatural  state.  Like  a  bone  out  of 
place,  the  mind,  in  an  individual,  or  political  capa- 
city, seeks  the  condition  of  a  master  or  servant ; 
avoiding,  as  the  particular  propensity  may  be,  the 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  179 

one  or  the  other.  There  cannot  be  a  greater  proof 
that  this  is  founded  in  nature,  than  the  common  mo- 
ral observation,  that  the  greatest  tyrants,  that  is,  the 
•worst  masters,  make  the  most  abject  slaves  :  And, 
vice  versa^  that  the  most  subservient  of  mankind, 
when  you  give  them  power,  make  the  worst  use  of 
it :  All  this  because,  in  these  cases,  the  persons  are 
.misphiced,  and  not  in  their  proper  stations.  Julius 
Cesar  made  a  humane  generous  master ;  but  he 
would  have  made  a  very  intriguing,  troublesome  va- 
let de  chambre.  It  would  have  been  impossible  to 
have  got  any  good  of  him.  On  the  other  hand,  Ti- 
berius would  have  made  an  excellent  hostler,  and 
taken  a  beating,  with  as  much  resignation  as  a  house 
beagle,  who  is  used  to  it.  So  that  it  evidently  is  the 
provision  of  nature,  that  there  are  materials  of  sla- 
very ;  and  the  fault  of  those,  whom  she  intends  for 
masters,  if  they  do  not  make  slaves.  But  as  it  is 
difficult  to  determine,  a  priori,  who  are  intended  for 
slavery  or  freedom,  so  as  to  make  a  judicious  dis- 
tribution, things  must  take  their  course  ;  and  the 
rule  be,  catch,  catch  can  ;  and  every  man  have  a  ser- 
vant when  he  can  get  one.  It  is  in  vain  to  be  squeam- 
ish, and  stick  at  colour.  It  is  true,  I  would  rather 
have  a  white  person,  if  such  could  be  got ;  as  I  pre- 
fer white  to  black,  especially  in  the  summer  season, 
as  being  a  more  light  and  airy  colour. 

Thy  reasoning,  said  the  Quaker,  is  more  rhetori- 
cal than  logical ;  and  thy  analogies  of  nature,  and 
historical  proofs,  cannot  so  far  oppress  the  light 
within,  as  to  make  me  think,  that  it  is  given  to  thee, 
or  me,  to  make  slaves  of  our  species. 

As  to  that,  said  the  Captain,  I  am  not  clear  that  a 
negro  is  of  our  si:>€cics.  You  may  claim  kindred  with 
him,  if  you  please  j  but  I  shall  not. 


1«0  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

I  shall  not  dispute  that  with  thee,  said  the  Qua- 
ker :  for  I  perceive  thee  does  not  give  credit  to  what 
the  book  says  of  the  first  man,  and  his  descendants  : 
But  will  thee  not  grant  me,  that  the  African,  though 
not  of  the  same  stock,  is,  at  least  a  man ;  that  is  of  the 
human  genus,  though  the  species  of  the  white  and 
the  black  may  not  be  the  same ;  if  so,  hast  thou  more 
right  to  enslave  him,  than  he  thee  ? 

Grant  it,  said  the  Captain ;  for  my  reasoning  tends 
to  that,  and  resolves  the  right  into  the  power. 

If  so,  said  the  Quaker,  thee  may  be  the  slave  in 
thy  turn. 

Doubtless,  said  the  Captain  ;  and  it  is  not  of  so 
much  consequence  who  is  slave,  as  that  there  be 
one.  It  is  better  that  the  foot  be  foot,  and  the  head 
be  head ;  but  if  there  is  a  conversion,  nevertheless, 
let  there  be  head  and  foot.  It  is  necessary  that  there 
be  domination  and  subjection,  in  order  to  produce  a 
compound  improvement  and  advantage. 

You  could  see  by  the  Quaker's  countenance,  that 
he  thought  the  reasoning  sophistical ;  but  as  he  did 
not  know  very  well  what  he  could  say  more,  he  was 
silent. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  181 


CHAPTER  X. 


CONTAINING    REMARKS. 

IT  is  thought  by  some,  the  Captain  was  not  se- 
rious in  thus  advocating  the  cause  of  slavery.  Be 
that  as  it  may,  he  omitted  some  serious  arguments, 
that  naturally  present  themselves  on  that  side  on 
which  he  reasoned :  For  instance,  it  strikes  me  at 
first  blush,  that  there  can  be  no  moral  wrong  in 
catching  a  young  African,  and  bringing  him  away 
from  his  own  happiness  to  pursue  ours.  For  if  there 
were,  is  it  to  be  supposed,  that  humane  and  just 
persons,  would  promote  and  support  the  evil,  by 
purchasing  such  negro,  or  retaining  him,  and  his 
offspring,  when  purchased.  For,  on  the  principle' 
that  the  receiver  is  the  thief,  or,  to  speak  more  stric- 
ly,  a  thief,  the  purchaser  of  the  African  takes  the 
guilt  along  with  the  possession;  and,  in  the  language 
of  the  law,  every  act  of  retainer  is  a  new  trespass. 
For  the  evil  of  the  original  act,  if  there  be  evil  in  it, 
cannot  be  rendered  pure  by  the  filtration  of  purchase, 
and  retaining.  So  that  the  holder  of  the  nes^ro,  in 
the  tenth  transmission,  is  an  aider,  or  abettor,  of  the 
original  act  of  taking ;  if  I  may  use  the  word  aider, 
or  abettor,  in  a  case  of  trespass  ;  where,  by  the  defi- 
r2 


182  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

nition  of  the  law,  all  who  any  way  concur  in  the  act, 
and  further  it,  are  princifials.  The  holder  of  a  negro 
must,  therefore,  look  back  to  that  act  which  first 
made  him,  or  an  ancestor,  a  slave ;  and  if  he  cannot 
justify  this,  he  cannot  justify  the  retaining  him  in  ser- 
vitude :...What  a  consequence  must  this  be !  There  is 
no  man  that  pretends  to  humanity,  much  less  to  reli- 
gion, would  be  safe  in  being  the  possessor  of  a  slave. 
The  only  way  therefore  to  get  rid  of  the  difficulty  is 
to  justify,  ah  origine^  traffic  in  all  such  property. 

That  it  is  justifiable  I  have  no  doubt.  Is  there  any 
religious  denomination,  except  the  fanatical  people 
called  Quakers,  that  have  made  it  a  term  of  com- 
munion not  to  hold  a  slave.  In  admitting  to  church 
privileges,  I  have  never  heard  of  the  question  asked, 
Have  you  any  negroes,  and  do  you  keep  slaves  ?  If 
it  was  a  matter  of  conscience,  would  not  conscien- 
tious persons  themselves  make  it. 

The  assemblies  or  synods  of  the  Presbyterian 
church,  or  conventions  of  the  Episcopal,  in  America, 
have  said  nothing  on  this  subject.  Is  an  omission  of 
this  kind  reconcileable  with  the  idea,  that  it  is  a  na- 
tural evil,  or  a  moral  wrong. 

In  the  phrensy  of  the  day,  some  weak  minded 
powers,  in  Europe,  begin  to  consider  what  is  called 
the  African  trade  as  a  moral  wrong,  and  to  provide 
for  a  gradual  abolition  of  it.  If  they  will  abolish  it, 
I  approve  of  its  being  done  gradually ;  because,  num- 
bers being  embarked  in  this  trade,  it  must  ruin  them 
all  at  once,  to  desist  from  it.  On  this  principle,  I 
have  always  thought  a  defect  in  the  criminal  codes 
of  most  nations,  not  giving  licence  to  the  perpetra- 
tors of  offences,  to  proceed,  for  a  limited  time,  in  lar- 
cenies, burglaries,  &c.  until  they  get  their  hands  out 
of  use  to  these  pursuits,  and  in  use  to  others.  For 
it  must  be  greatly  inconvenient  to  thieves  and  cut- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  183 

throats,  who  have  engaged  in  this  way  of  life,  and 
run  great  risks  in  acquiring  skill  in  their  employ- 
ment, to  be  obliged  all  at  once  to  withdraw  their 
hands,  and  lay  aside  picking  locks,  and  apply  them- 
selves to  industry  in  other  ways,  for  a  livelihood. 

The  law  of  Pennsylvania  on  this  principle,  has 
provided  for  the  gradual  abolition  of  the  slavery  of 
negroes.  For  those  who  have  got  them  could  not 
do  without  them,  no  more  than  a  robber  could  do 
without  the  money  that  he  takes,  being  pressed  by 
some  great  necessity  to  make  use  of  that  expedient 
to  recruit  his  purse.  All  those  therefore  who  have 
been  originally  taken  frOm  the  coast  of  Africa,  and 
deprived  of  liberty,  or  descended  from  such,  and  in- 
heriting slavery,  when  recorded  agreeably  to  the  act 
in  question,  continue  slaves,  and  for  life,  and  their 
offspring  to  a  certain  period.  But  were  we  to  entra- 
mel  the  case  with  fiolitical  or  moral  doubts  respect- 
ing the  original  right  of  caption,  and  subjugation, 
the  difficulty  would  exist  of  reconciling  it  with  natu- 
ral right  to  hold  a  slave  for  a  moment^  even  whether 
the  laiu  sanctioned  it  or  not ;  in  which  case  we  should 
find  it  necessary  to  go  as  far  as  the  fanatics  in  reli- 
gion, and  set  our  slaves  free  altogether. 

It  is  from  not  duly  attending  to  this  circumstance, 
that  abstract  reasoners  talk  of  abolition ;  a  doctrine 
which,  however  absurd,  is  becoming  the  whim  of  the 
day  ;  and  the  phrensy  seems  to  gain  such  ground, 
that  I  would  not  wonder  if  they  w^ould  next  assert 
that  it  is  unlawful  to  use  the  servitude  of  horses,  or 
other  beasts  of  burden,  as  having  a  natural  right  to 
live  in  the  fields,  and  be  as  free  as  mankind.  The 
best  way  to  avoid  extremes,  is  to  check  the  princi- 
ple; I  hold  the  right  of  absolute  subjugation,  of 
whites,  blacks,  and  browns  of  all  nations,  against 
gradual  abolition,  or  any  abolition  whatsoever.  This 


184  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

being  the  only  consistent  principle,  short  of  an  abso- 
lute emancipation,  made  instantly ;  for  in  no  mean  is 
there  reason,  or  a  rest  for  conscience. 

That  it  is  of  importance  to  settle  the  consciences 
of  sober  minded  persons  in  Pennsylvania,  clergymen, 
and  members  of  the  Presbyterian  church  especially, 
who  have  negroes,  must  be  well  knoun  from  that 
tenderness  of  conscience,  for  which  such  are  remark- 
able. Some,  indeed,  carry  their  ideas  of  the  extent 
of  duties  so  far,  as  not  to  admit  grace  to  meats,  or 
the  formal  worship  of  prayer,  reading  chapters,  and 
singing  psalms,  on  the  set  occasions,  on  any  consi- 
deration whatsoever  ;  what  is  more,  would  not  shave 
a  beard,  on  the  Sabbath  day,  for  a  cow.  Now,  should 
they,  by  any  means,  come  once  to  think  of  the  wick- 
edness of  enslaving  men,  there  would  be  no  getting 
them  to  keep  a  negro.  For  those  of  this  denomina- 
tion ;  a  ad,  indeed,  most,  or  all  others  of  the  Christian, 
hold,  that  the  Africans,  though  of  a  sable  race,  is  of 

their  own  species;  being  descended  from  Adam 

This  being  the  case,  a  slight  matter,  the  bare  direct- 
ing their  attention  to  the  subject,  would  alarm  pious 
people,  and  lead  them  to  the  favourite  maxim  of  thig-'"* 
gospel — ."  Do  to  others,  as  you  would  have  others  to 
do  to  you." 

As  opposed  to  the  enfranchisement  of  negroes,  ge- 
nerally, and  in  Pennsylvania  in  particular,  I  have 
been  under  apprehensions,  that  some  of  our  young 
lawyers  in  the  courts,  might  plead  the  constitution 
of  the  state,  by  which  it  is  established  that  "  all  men  ^ 
are  born  equally  free  and  independent."  Now  adsi' 
mitting  that  a  negro  is  a  man,  how  shall  any  master 
retain  him  as  a  slave?  On  a  habeus  corpus,  he  must 
be  set  at  liberty.  At  least  1  cannot  conceive  how  the 
judge  could  remand  him  to  his  drudgery.  The  con- 
stitution is  the  law  paramount,  and  framed  by  a  con- 


I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  185 


vention  of  the  people,  recognizing  tlie  original  right 
of  freedom  in  a  negro,  allowing  him  to  be  a  man ; 
and  carries  us  above  the  act  of  the  legislature  for  the 
gradual  abolition,  &c.  which  by  implication  seems  to 
suppose  that  negroes  may  be  slaves: 

An  implication  inconsistent  with  the  power  exer- 
cised by  the  law.  For  if  negroes  were  slaves,  and  so 
the  firo/ierty  of  those  who  claimed  them,  could  the 
legislature  affect  that  property,  without  indemnifica- 
tion to  the  masters  ? 

I  shall  say  no  more  on  this  head,  lest  I  should  fur- 
nish hints  to  pettifoggers,  v/ho  may  make  an  iU  use 
©f  their  information. 

•  The  fact  is  that  this  chapter,  or  something  else 
gave  rise  to  a  habeas  corpus  in  the  case  of  a  negro; 
and.which  came  to  trial  in  the  supreme  court  of  the 
state.  The  argume -it  occupied  a  whole  week ;  but 
it  was  determined  that  slavery  by  law  did  exist  in 
PennsylvL^nia.;  maugre  the  constitution ;  which  did 
not  respect  those  in  a  state  of  slavery  at  the  time  of 
forming  the  constitution ;  and  who  were  not  parties 
to  the  compact i  that  it  is  a  claim  of  property  founded 
in, wrong;  but  tolerated  until  it  can  be  consentient 
with  general  safety,  and  the  happiness  of  slave  and 
master  to  abolish  it  altogether. 


116      MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


JUST  at  this  moment  a  waiter  coming  in,  told 
him  there  was  a  person  without,  that  is,  in  the  bar- 
room, who  wished  to  speak  with  him.  Going  outj 
he  saw  Teague. 

The  fact  was,  being  elated  with  the  success  of  hia 
performance  on  the  stage,  attributing  that  to  art 
which  was  nature  itself,  he  liad  co\mted  more  upon 
his  accomplishments  than  he  out;,ht  to  have  done, 
and  had  made  advances  to  the  mistress  of  the  ma- 
nager, who  was  also  an  actress,  and  not  greatly  co- 
veting an  amour  with  the  bog-trotter,  made  a  merit 
of  the  circumstance,  to  induce  an  opinion  of  fidelity, 
and  informed  the  manager  of  the  presumption  of  i 
the  Irishman.  The  manager  in  the  most  unbeco-  i 
ming  manner,  without  either  citation,  examination, 
trial,  conviction,  or  judgment,  but  laying  aside  all 
forms  of  law,  had  instituted  an  original  process  of 
himself,  and  laying  hold  of  a  horse-whip,  had  appli- 
ed this  implement  to  the  back  and  shoulders  of 
Teague,  and  as  the  Irishman  made  an  efTort  of  re- 
sistance at  the  first  onset,  the  manager  had  been  un- 
der the  necessity,  by  turning  the  butt-end  of  tlic 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  isr 


whip,  to  knock  him  down,  which  he  did  by  a  stroke 
above  the  left  eye-brow,  which  not  only  bereft  him 
•■  of  senses  for  the  present,  but  a  discolouration  of  the 
eye  for  some  days,  and  a  scar  probably  his  whole 
life  after. 

It  was  this  incident  had  induced  him  to  leave  the 
theatre,  and  brought  him  back  to  the  Captain,  whom 
he  now  accosted  in  the  following  manner:. ...Dear 
master,  for  the  love  of  shalvation,  forgive  a  poor 
sharvant  that  has  been  killed  this  marning  with  a 
great  cudgel,  just  for  nothing  at  all,  but  not  pleasing 
a  damned  whore,  that  wanted  me  to  stale  the  mana- 
ger's cloathing,  and  go  off  wid  her.  This  is  all  that 
a  poor  sharvant  gets  by  being  hanest;  but  by  shaint 
Patrick,  and  the  holy  crass,  it  is  what  I  deserve  for 
laving  the  sarvice  of  a  good  master,  as  your  anour, 
and  taking  up  with  bog-tratters,  and  stage  players, 
that  would  sooner  take  a  cup  of  wine  than  the  holy 
sacrament,  and  get  drunk  every  night  in  de  wake, 
and  go  to  de  devil  head  foremost ;  but  if  your  honour, 
dear  master,  will  forgive  the  past,  and  my  running 
away,  and  laving  you,  I  will  come  back  again,  and 
sarve  you  to  the  day  of  judgment,  or  any  langer 
time  that  your  honour  plases,  and  clane  your  boots 
and  spurs,  and  rub  down  the  bay  harse ;  the  poor  old 
crature,  how  aften  I  have  tought  of  him  when  I  was 
in  my  rambles  and  he  was  a  slape,  laste  they  should 
chate  him  of  his  oats,  and  give  him  nather  hay  nor 
straw  to  ate ;  for  I  always  liked  to  take  care  of  a 
good  harse,  and  a  good  master ;  and  aften  tought  of 
your  honour,  when  I  was  among  the  bog-tratters  of 
the  stage,  aud  gave  you  a  good  name,  and  was  al- 
ways talking  of  you  and  forgot  my  part,  and  put  the 
managers  in  a  passion,  who  fell  upon  me,  and  bate 
me  like  a  dog. 


us  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

The  Captain  saw  the  inconsistency  in  the  relation ; 
one  while  alleging  the  tale-bearing  of  the  mistress, 
as  the  occasion  of  it ;  again,  a  deficiency  in  the  reci- 
tal of  his  part ;  but  expecting  no  truth  from  the  Irish- 
man, cared  very  little  how  it  came  to  pass.  The 
principal  thing  that  occupied  his  thoughts,  was  whe- 
ther, to  receive  the  bog-trotter,  or  dismiss  him.  He 
reflected  with  himself  on  the  trouble  he  had  had 
with  him,  on  his  various  pretensions  to  advancement; 
his  uneasiness  of  mind,  and  fatigue  of  body,  for  se- 
veral days  past,  in  examining  stews,  methodistical 
conventicles,  rumaging  philosophical  societies,  at- 
tending elections,  and  listening  to  the  debates  of 
Congress,  to  see  if  he  could  any  where  observe  his 
physiognomy,  or  distinguish  his  brogue.  He  could 
not  think  of  subjecting  himself  to  such  uncertainty 
in  the  attendance  of  any  servant,  with  such  preposte- 
rous ideas,  as  being  a  legislator,  philosopher,  8cc. 
Again,  he  considered,  that  probably  this  last  chas- 
tisement he  had  received,  might  have  a  good  effect, 
in  curing  him  of  the  freaks  of  his  ambition ;  and  a 
mind  broken  and  reduced  by  disappointment,  is  in 
a  mellow  state,  and  more  capable  of  receiving  the 
seeds  of  good  advice,  than  a  mind  full  of  vanity  or 
pride,  that  has  never  yet  received  blows.  Delibera- 
ting on  these  grounds,  his  humanity  prevailed,  and 
he  determined  to  receive  the  raggamuffin  into  favour. 

This  being  settled,  and  learning  from  the  Irish- 
man in  what  manner  he  had  been  invei^jled,  and 
drawn  away  by  the  manager,  to  go  upon  the  stage ; 
and  that  it  was  only  because  Teugue  had  made  ad- 
vances to  a  woman  that  was  a  wl.ore  already,  that 
the  manager  had  made  such  an  attack  upon  his  per- 
son, he  wished  to  punish  him,  if  it  should  appear  to 
be  within  the  province  of  the  law  to  do  it.  Accor- 
dingly, inquiring  what  principal  lawyer  there  was  in 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  139 

that  city,  was  informed  of  a  certain  counsellor  Grab 
Taking  Teague  with  him,  he  set  out  to  consult  this 
gentleman.  Counsellor  Grab  was  in  his  office, 
amongst  large  shelves  of  books,  or  shelves  of  large 
books ;  not,  as  the  Latins  say,  co-ojieratus^  aut  abru- 
tU8y  seel  comitatus  libris ;  that  is.  In  the  midst  of 
his  books.  He  had  on  a  pair  of  spectacles,  not  so 
much  on  account  of  age,  as  to  make  the  client  be- 
lieve that  he  laboured  under  a  premature  want  of 
sight,  from  much  reading ;  or,  because  a  pair  of  len- 
ses, magnifying  the  organs  of  vision,  gives  the  ap- 
pearance of  a  larger  eye,  which  has  a  good  effect  on 
the  person  consulting,  impressing  the  idea  of  a 
broader  view  of  things  that  are  before  it. 

Enterin;:^',  the  Captain  addressed  himself  to  the 
counsellor,  and  gave  him  the  outlines  of  the  injury 
done  to  Teague ;  the  counsellor,  in  the  m.eantime, 
suspending  his  reading  in  a  large  book,  which  he 
had  before  him,  printed  in  Saxon  letter,  and  raising 
his  head,  until  the  glasses  of  his  spectacl'=-s  were 
brou.^ht  to  bear  upon  the  physiognomy  of  the  Cap- 
tain. 

The  Captain  having  finished  his  account,  referred 
him  to  Teague,  the  subject  of  the  battery,  for  a  more 
particular  detail  of  the  circumstances.  Teague  was 
glad  of  the  opportunity  of  speaking  before  a  learned 
lawyer,  and  was  beginning  to  give  a  relation  of  the 
whole  affair ;  but  the  Captain  stopped  him,  bidding 
him  wait  until  the  lawyer  should  himself  request 
him  to  begin.  The  lawyer  was  silent:  after  having 
reconnoitered  with  his  glasses  one  while  the  Cap- 
tain, another  while  Teague,  he  dropped  his  optics, 
and  ben;an  to  read  ap;ain.  The  Captain,  thinking  he 
had  not  been  sufficiently  understood,  recommenced 
the  narration,  and  gave  an  account  of  what  he  him- 
self had  suffered  from  the  inveighng  and  detaining 

VOL.  I.  s 


190  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

his  servant,  and  the  visible  injury  which  the  servant 
himself  had  sustained.  The  lawyer  was  still  silent; 
and,  though  he  had  eyed  him  while  speaking,  as  a 
Tuscan  astronomer  would  the  moon,  yet  he  applied 
himself  again  to  the  reading  the  black  letter  that 
was  before  him. 

The  Captain  thought  it  strange  treatment ;  and 
was,  for  some  time,  at  a  loss  to  know  what  to  think 
of  the  matter.  But  recollecting,  opportunely,  that 
the  circumstance  of  a  fee  had  been  omitted,  he  took 
out  his  purse,  and  threw  down  two  dollars.  The 
lawyer  seemed  a  little  moved,  but  cast  his  eye  again 
upon  the  black  letter.  Finding  the  two  dollars  not 
sufficient,  the  Captain  threw  down  two  more.  The 
counsellor  raised  his  head  from  the  book,  and  you 
might  discern  some  dilitation  of  the  muscles  of  the 
face,  as  bespeaking  an  approaching  opening  of  the 
voice  ;  but  still  there  was  silence  ;  and  might  have 
been  to  this  hour,  had  not  the  Captain  recollected, 
at  this  moment,  what  he  had  all  along  forgot,  that 
half  a  joe  was  the  fee  of  a  lawyer.  Doubling,  there- 
fore the  four  dollars  that  were  already  down,  the 
lawyer  came  to  his  voice,  the  organs  of  his  speech 
were  loosed,  and  taking  the  glasses  from  his  eyes, 
he  gave  his  counsel  as  follows : 

Said  he,  you  have  a  double  remedy  in  this  case ; 
against  the  manager  who  inveigled,  and  against  the 
servant  himself:  Against  the  servant,  on  the  act  of 
assembly,  if  indented ;  at  comm_on  law,  on  the  con- 
tract to  serve.  For  even  a  servant  at  will,  and  not 
engaged  for  any  special  tiijie,  is  not  at  liberty  to  de- 
sert the  service  of  his  master,  without  reasonable  no- 
tice first  given.  So  that  you  may  have  your  remedy 
against  the  servant,  in  the  first  instance,  by  bringing 
the  matter  before  the  court  of  quarter  sessions;  and 
ha  v'ing  time  put  upon  him,  as  the  phrase  is,  for  this 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  191 

i  dereliction  of  your  service ;  or,  an  action  on  the  con- 
ktract,  express  or  implied,  as  the  case  may  be,  where- 
fcn  he  shall  repair,  in  damages,  the  loss  sustained. 
Hi  The  boa; -trotter  was  alarmed  at  the  idea  of  an  ac- 
Hbn  against  him  ;  and  looking  ^vistfully  at   his  mas- 
ter, exclaimed,  dear  master,  will   you  trow    de  law 
upon  me,  dat  am   as  innocent  as   a  shild   unborn ; 
and    would    go    to  death   and   damnation   for  you. 
Dear  master,  I  suffered  enough  by  de  cud? el  of  dat 
player,  for   all   de  running  away  I  have  done ;   and, 
God  love  your  shoul,   keep  de  law  in  its  own  place, 
and  not  let  it  come  acrass  a  ])oor  sharvant,   that  has 
nathing  but  as  he  works  and  trats  about;  but  let  dese 
grate  big  books  of  his  honour  de  lawyer,  spake  to  de 
manager,  for  his  deceiving  a  poor  sharvant,  and  put- 
ting it  in  his   head  to  run  away,   and  lave   a    good 
master ;  and  his  beating  him  with  a  grate  cudgel  in- 
to the  bargain. 

I  have  no  desire,  said  the  Captain,  to  pursue  the 
b£)g-trotter,  as  he  has  made  acknowledgments  for 
his  faults ;  but  would  want  the  utmost  rigour  of  the 
law  to  be  put  in  force  against  the  player. 

You  have  also   in  this  case  a  double  remedy,  said 
the  counsellor,  by  prosecution    on   the   part  of  the 
servant,  and   on  your  part.     Nay,  the  servant  him- 
self has  a  double  remedy ;    for  he  may  prosecute  by 
indictment,  or  bring  his  action  of  assault  and  battery, 
or  both.      I  would  recommend  the  action  only,  be- 
cause, where  no  indictment  is  prosecuted,   and  the 
civil  action  only  brought,  exemplary  damages  may 
be  given,  as  well  as  reparatory.     For  in  the  civil  ac- 
[  tion,  it  will  affect  the  minds  of  a  jury,  that  the  party 
,  has  already  suffered  all  that  is  in  the  nature  of  pun- 
i  ishment  by  a  criminal   proceeding ;   and  nothing  re- 
\  mains  with  them,  but  to  give   reparatory  damages. 
On  the  part  of  the  master,  two  kinds  of  action  may 


192  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

be  brought;  either  an  action  of  trespass,  vi  et  armis,  i 
laying  a  p.erquod  servitium  amisit^  or  simply  an  ac- 
tion on  the  case,  for  the  consequential  damage  of  in- 
veigling the  servant. 

As  to  the  number  of  remedies,  said  the  Captain, 
or  the  kind  of  them,  I  care  very  little  how  many 
there  are.  or  what  they  are ;  I  want  only  a  good  re- 
medy ;  give  me  a  good  swingein.5  one  against  the 
rascal,  and  I  care  very  little  what  it  is  called. 

I  shall  then,  said  the  counsellor,  advise  simply  an 
action  on  the  case,  and  count  generally  on  the  in- 
vei^/ling  and  detaining,  and  rendering  unfit  for  ser- 
vice while  in  his  power.  In  this  mode,  the  whole 
circumstances  of  the  injury  may  be  brought  toge- 
ther, and  summed  up  into  one  point  of  view,  and 
enhancing  the  quantum  of  damages,  can  expatiate 
on  the  value  of  your  servant,  and  the  special  occa- 
sion you  had  for  his  service  at  this  particular  junc- 
ture ;  for  I  make  no  doubt  he  is  a  valuable  servant, 
and  that  it  has  been  an  irreparable  injury  to  you,  to 
have  been  defrauded  of  his  service  at  this  time. 

As  to  his  value,  said  the  Captain,  there  can  be  no 
doubt,  not  only  as  a  servant,  but  in  other  respects. 
I  have  been  offered,  or  at  least  I  suppose  I  could 
have  got,  an  hundred  pounds  for  him,  to  be  a  mem- 
ber of  Congress,  or  to  preach,  or  to  go  to  the  philo- 
sophical society,  or  to  be  an  Indian  treaty-man,  but 
have  refused  every  proposal  made  him,  or  me,  for 
these  purposes ;  and  now  to  have  him  kidnapped 
and  taken  off,  without  fee  or  reward,  and  employed 
as  an  actor,  and  beat,  and  rendered  useless,  at  least 
for  some  time,  into  the  bargain,  is  too  much  for 
any  man  to  put  up  with.  If  there  is  law  in  the  land, 
let  it  be  put  in  force,  and  this  man  made  an  exam- 
ple. 


i 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  193 

The  counsellor  had  no  need  of  spectacles  to  give 
himself  the  appearance  of  a  glaring  and  broad  look, 
on  this  occasion  ;  for  the  words  of  the  Captain  made 
him  stare  sufficiently,  without  the  aid  of  a  magnify- 
ing  medium,  to  enlarge  his  optics.  He  began  to 
take  him  for  a  madman  ;  at  least  in  some  degree 
deranged  in  his  brain,  to  talk  of  his  servant  being  in 
request  for  a  member  of  Congress,  and  the  like. 

Yes,  continued  the  Captain,  he  not  only  inveigled 
away  a  servant  that  was  thought  fit  to  be  a  member 
of  Congress,  and  a  preacher,  and  an  Indian  treaty- 
maker,  and  a  philosopher,  and  what  not ;  but  has 
kept  me,  these  three  days,  trotting  after  him,  and 
tryino:  to  find  him  at  election  places,  and  in  Congress 
boarding-houses,  and  the  hall  where  they  have  their 
debates,  and  churches,  and  pulpits,  and  chambers  of 
philosophical  societies,  and  professorships,  and 
where  not,  to  see  if  I  could  find  him ;  while  this  ma- 
nager had  him,  in  the  meantime,  at  rehearsals, 
teaching  him  the  art  of  mimickry,  for  the  stage. 

The  counsellor,  in  the  meantime,  had  reflected 
with  himself,  that,  whether  madman,  or  no  mad- 
man, the  Captain  had  money,  and  might  be  a  good 
client,  let  his  cause  be  what  it  would ;  and  so  com- 
posing the  muscles  of  his  face,  seemed  to  agree 
with  him ;  and  observe,  that  doubtless  the  quality 
and  capacity  of  the  servant  would  be  taken  into 
•view,  in.estimatin  ;:  the  damages  :  That,  if  it  appear- 
ed he  was  not  only  fit  stuff  for  a  servant,  but  to  be 
advanced  to  such  eminent  offices  as  these,  not  only 
the  inveigling  the  embryo  lep^islator,  preacher,  and 
philosopher;  but  the  assaulting  and  beating  him, 
and,  by  that  means  disabling  him  from  immediate 
service,  must  be  viewed  in  the  light  of  an  atrocious 
injury,  and  insure  a  verdict  accordingly. 

6  2 


!94  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Very  well,  said  the  Captain,  and  I  shall  wish  to 
have  the  matter  determined  as  speedily  as  possible, 
as  I  may  be  but  a  few  days  in  town ;  and,  besides,  as 
the  marks  are  yet  apparent  on  the  face,  and  I  sup- 
pose, back,  of  the  bog-trotter,  it  will  appear  to  the 
judges  and  jury,  without  the  trouble  of  witnesses, 
what  damage  he  has  sustained. 

The  process  of  law,  said  the  counsellor,  is  tedious 
but  certain ;  you  cannot  expect  atrial  in  this  case, 
until  the  3d  or  4th  term ;  that  is  nine  months  or  a 
year. 

How  so,  said  the  Captain?  Because,  said  the 
counsellor,  it  is  now  two  months,  or  upwards,  before 
the  court  to  which  the  writ  will  be  returnable.  Even 
if  a  declaration  is  then  filed,  the  defendant  may  im- 
parl until  the  succeeding  term,  which  is  three 
months ;  when,  if  there  is  no  demurer,  general  or 
special,  a  rule  to  plead  will  be  taken,  which  may 
not  be  put  in  until  the  succeeding  term  of  three 
months  again:  At  this  term,  if  there  is  no  replica- 
tion, rejoinder,  surrejoinder,  rebutter,  or  surrebutter 
to  draw  up  and  file,  while  the  defendant  may  crave  a 
tenn,  issue  will  be  joined,  and  at  the  next  term  trial. 
•But  even  after  a  verdict,  there  may  be  the  delay  of  a 
term,  on  a  motion  for  a  new  trial  depending ;  so 
that  in  the  law  there  is  delay,  but  this  delay  is  the 
price  of  justice. 

It  is  a  price,  said  the  Captain,  that  I  will  not  give 
for  it.  If  you  will  bring  it  about  in  a  short  time  to 
have  this  fellow  flogged,  even  with  half  the  stripes  he 
has  given  my  servant,  I  shall  not  think  the  half-joe 
thrown  away ;  but  to  be  a  year  or  half  a  year  about 
the  business,  is  putting  the  matter  so  far  off,  that  it 
may  as  well  be  omitted  altogether.  If  you  could 
only  get  him  sentenced  to  take  a  kick  or  two  froni 


?f 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  195 


my  foot,  or  Teague*s,  before  we  leave  the  city,  I 
should  be  satisfied. 
i      The  /e:r  talionis,  said  the  counsellor,  makes  no 
Ipart  of  our  law.     You  can  punish  only  in  estate,  not 
?in  person,  for  a  simple  assault  and  battery,  as  this  is. 
Do  you  not  hang  a  man  for  murder,   said  the  Cap- 
tain; and  why  not  punish  personally  for  an  assault 
and  battery  ?    Because  it  is  our  law,  said  the  coun 
sellor ;  and,  in  a  civil  action,  the  object  is  damages, 

A  civil  action  and  damages,  are  strange  phrases, 
said  the  Captain ;  how  can  civility  and  damages  be 
reconciled. 

These  are  technical  terms,  said  the  counsellor, 
which  persons,  not  of  the  profession,  are  at  a  loss  to 
understand ;  but  have,  in  themselves,  a  dinstinct  and 
sensible  meaning. 

Let  the  terms  mean  what  they  will,  said  the  Cap* 
tain,  it  all  comes  to  this  at  last:.... There  is  no  get- 
ting at  the  manager  under  a  year,  or  two  year's  race 
for  it ;  before  which  time  Teague  will  have  forgot 
the  abuse  he  has  received,  and  I  my  trouble  in  run- 
ning after  a  strayed  Irishman,  through  this  city ;  and 
therefore  it  may  be  as  well  to  give  the  matter  up, 
and  sit  down  with  the  loss. 

That  as  you  please,  said  the  counsellor ;  and  put- 
ting on  his  spectacles^  cast  his  eyes  again  upon  the 
black  letter. 

The  Captain,  without  bidding  him  kiss  his  back- 
side, beckoned  to  Teague  to  follow  him,  and  with- 
drew from  the  chamber. 

Having  'retired ;  Teague,  said  the  Captain,  this 
thing  of  law  has  been  well  said  to  be  a  bottomless 
pit.     The  way  to  it  is  like  that  to  the  shades ; 

Facilis  descensus  averni; 

Sed  referre  gradus,  hie  labor,  hoc  opus  est. 


196  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

This  pettifogger  seemed  to  have  a  thousand  reme- 
dies at  his  command,  and  yet  none  that  would  serve 
us ;  as  the  redress,  if  any,  is  to  be  postponed  to  such 
a  distant  day.  I  have  heard  a  great  deal  of  these 
cattle,  and  I  believe  they  are  best  off  that  have  the 
least  to  do  with  them.  They  have  so  much  jargon 
of  technical  terms,  that  the  devil  himself  cannot  un- 
derstand them.  Their  whole  object  is  to  get  money ; 
and,  provided  they  can  pick  the  pocket  of  half  a  joe, 
they  care  little  about  the  person  that  consults  them. 
The  first  loss  is  the  best ;  you  had  better  put  up 
with  the  currying  you  have  got,  than  have  my  pock- 
et picked,  on  pretence  of  redress  a  year  or  two 
hence,  which  may,  perhaps,  prove  a  century, 

Teague  was  contented  to  put  up  with  the  drubbing, 
and  have  no  more  said  about  iU 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  197 


CHAPTER  Xn. 


THE  Captain  had  consoled  himself  with  the  idea 
that  Teague  was  now  cured  of  his  folly,  and  would 
no  more  be  disposed  to  entertain  notions  of  ambition, 
and  unreasonable  projects.  He  was  disappointed  in 
his  hope;  for  that  very  evening,  the  Irishman  wash- 
ing down  the  recollection  of  his  woes  with  some  ex- 
hilirating  drink,  and  though  not  intoxicated,  but  en- 
Kvened  only,  he  came  to  the  Captain  :  Said  he.  Dear 
master,  what  would  your  anour  think,  it  a  poor  shar- 
vant  should  turn  lawyer ;  and  get  a  half  joe  when  a 
customer  comes  to  consult  him  in  the  morning? 
would  it  not  be  better  than  currying  a  horse,  and 
tratting  about  like  a  big  dog ;  with  no  sense  to  live 
like  a  man  of  fartune,  and  have  a  big  house  over  his 
head,  and  books  about  him,  and  take  half  joes  from 
paple  that  come  to  him  about  their  quarrels  and 
batings,  through  de  town,  and  sending  dem  aff  as 
wise  as  if  dey  had  never  come  to  him,  and  de  great 
spectacles,  to  look  like  a  blind  man,  dat  was  blind 
before  he  was  born,  and  could  see  more  than  two  or 
three  other  paple,  for  all  dat ;  and  was  a  canjurer, 
and  a  wizzard,  and  could  take  money  for  nating.... 
Would  it  not  be  better,  master,  than  tratting  like  a 
fool,  and  disputing  wid  paple,  and  having  nating  to 


198  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

lay  up ;  but  be  as  poor  as  a  church  mouse,  or  a  rat, 
all  the  days  of  our  life,  and  paple  laugh  after  us 
when  we  are  gone. 

The  Captain  was  thrown  into  a  reverie  of  thought, 
by  the  speech  of  the  bog-trotter ;  reflecting,  that  his 
presumption  and  folly  was  incurable  ;  for,  notwith- 
standing all  that  had  been  said  to  him,  or  suffered 
by  him,  his  natugi^I  propensity  remained  the  same ; 
according  to  the  maxim — J^'aturam  expellas  bufurea^ 
usque  recurret ;  you  may  toss  out  nature  with  a  pitch- 
fork, she  will  still  come  back  upon  you.  Not  so 
much  from  any  further  view  of  reclaiming  him,  as 
from  indignation,  and  resentment,  a:£;ainst  his  pre- 
sumption, the  Captain  projected,  in  his  mind,  a  far- 
ther means  of  chastising  him.  He  had  heard  of  a 
work-house,  in  this  city,  into  which  refractory  ser- 
vants are  committed,  and  put  to  hard  labour;  such 
as  pounding  hemp,  grinding  plaister  of  Paris,  and 
picking  old  ropes  into  oakum.  He  resolved  to  have 
the  rag'gamufinn  put  into  this  a  while.  Counterfeit- 
ing, therefore,  an  approbation  of  his  project  of  be- 
coming lawyer,  doubtless,  said  he,  the  profession  of 
the  law  is  a  profitable  business,  where  money  is  very 
easily  got,  by  the  bare  breath  of  the  mouth.  NeA'er- 
theless,  it  requires  time  and  study  to  qualify  for  this 
profession.  Nay,  the  introduction  to  the  study,  by 
being  put  under  an  eminei^  lawyer,  hi  full  practice, 
is  itself  very  expensive.  An  hundred  pistoles  is 
sometimes  the  fee.  This  I  could  not  very  well  af- 
ford; but  I  have  an  acquaintance  in  this  town,  who, 
I  am  persuaded,  would  he  willing  to  oblige  me,  and 
will  take  less.  I  will  call  upon  him  early  to-mor- 
row, and  settle  the  contract. 

Accordingly  the  next  day,  calling  on  the  keeper 
of  the  work-house,  he  i^ave  him  an  account  of  his  re- 
fractory servant,  and  with  a  gratuity  o£  a  couple  of 


r  MODERN  CHIVALRY.  199 

[.guineas,  obtained  his  consent,  to  take  the  bog-trotter 
minder  his  direction,  and  give  him  a  few  lessons  in 
picking  oakum,  and  grinding  plaister  of  Paris,  and 
pounding  hemp,  not  withholding,  in  the  mean  time, 
•  a  seasonable  application  of  the  cowskin,  in  the  inter- 
vals of  study  of  these  several  branches  of  the  law. 
For  the  idea  was  to  be  imposed  upon  Teague,  that 
this  was  an  office,  or  as  it  were  an  inn  of  court,  or 
chamber  of  the  Inner  Temple ;  and  that  the  several 
flagellations,  and  grindings,  and  poundinp;s,  were  so 
many  lessons,  and  lectures,  to  qualify  him  for  the 
practice  of  the  law. 

It  happened,  fortunately,  that  the  keeper  of  the 
work-house  was  well  qualified  for  the  task  ;  for,  in 
early  years,  he  had  been  put  an  apprentice  to  an  attor- 
ney, and  had  some  opportunity  of  attending  courts, 
And  hearing  the  names  of  books  to  which  the  advo- 
cates referred  in  their  pleadin':;s ;  but  having  a  turn 
for  extravagance,  and  a  dissolute  manner  life,  he  had 
come  to  poverty,  and,  through  various  scenes,  to  jail. 
There,  by  address,  he  h.ad  gained  the  good  will  of 
the  jailor's  daughter-  whom  he  married:  and,  by  the 
interest  of  his  new  father-in-law,  having  obtained  his 
liberation,  he  was.  from  acting  as  deputy  jailor,  in  a 
series  of  time,  at  length  promoted  to  be  the  keeper 
of  this  work-house.  Indeed,  from  his  employment, 
beiuf  acquainted  with  the  prisoners,  and  finding 
himself  sometimes  interested  in  their  fate,  and  being 
led  to  attend  their  trials,  he  had,  even  in  his  last  ca- 
pacity, been  a  u,ood  deal  about  courts,  and  heard  law 
phrases  and  books  mentioned. 

Accordin.  ;ly,  when  Tea^rue  was  introduced,  which 
I  was  that  very  afternoon,  he  had,  at  his  command,  the 
names  of  the  abrid  ers,  and  reporters,  and  commen- 
tators of  the  law,  and  the  technical  terms  in  the  com- 
mencement and  process  of  a  suit;  so  that,  when  the 


i 


SOO  MODERN  CHU^ALRY. 

key  was  turned,  and,  after  having  stript  him  of  th 
linen  doublet  that  was  upon  him,  he  began  to  giy 
him  the  first  application  of  the  cowskin,  he  told  hi 
this  was  reading  Wood's  Institutes ;  and  when,  aft 
this,  he  was  sentenced  to  an  hour  or  two's  hard  1 
hour,  at  grinding  plaister  of  Paris,  this  was  called 
Coke  upon  Littleton;  and  when  the  employment 
was  varied,  poundino;  hemp,  or  picking  oakum,  it 
was  called  Hawkin's  Pleas  of  the  crown,  or  Foster, 
or  4th  Blackstone,  Sec.  When  the  poor  bog-trotter, 
reduced  to  a  skeleton,  living  on  bread  and  water, 
complained  of  the  hard  usa^e,  and  offered  himself  a 
servant  for  life,  to  curry  horses  and  brush  boots,  to 
any  Christian  creature  would  take  him  out  of  that 
place ;  he  was  told,  that,  as  he  had  begun  the  study 
of  the  lavv,  he  must  go  through  with  it ;  that  that  was  | 
but  the  commencement  of  the  suit;  that  in  a  year's 
time  he  would  learn  to  file  a  declaration ;  in  another, 
to  put  in  a  plea;  in  a  third,  to  join  issue;  and  in  a 
fourth,  to  conduct  a  trial ;  that  unless  a  bill  of  ex- 
ceptions had  been  filed,  or  there  was  a  motion,  in  j 
arrest  of  judgment,  or  a  writ  of  error  brought,  he 
might  be  admitted  the  fifth,  and  begin  to  practice 
the  sixth  year:  At  all  events,  provided  he  v»^ould 
submit  himself,  with  due  application,  to  fasting,  and 
cowskinnin?:,  and  grinding  plaister  of  Paris,  pound- 
ing hemp,  and  picking  oakum,  he  might  be  a  lawyer 
the  seventh  year,  and  wear  spectacles,  like  counsel- 
lor Grab,  and  take  half  a  joe  when  he  thought  pro- 
per. 

I  know  not  by  what  simile  to  represent  the  howl 
of  the  Irishman,  at  this  prospect  of  the  duration  of 
his  woes.  It  was  like  that  of  a  wolf  at  the  bottom  of 
a  Avell,  or  a  dog  that  had  lost  his  master,  or  a  cow 
her  comrade,  or  some  forlorn  wanderer  that  has  mis- 
sed the  way,  and  given  up  all  hopes  of  being  extri- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  101 

cated  from  the  wilderness.  At  the  various  applica- 
^•tions  of  the  cowskin,  he  had  jumped,  and  cursed,  and 
y  swore,  and  prayed,  and  beseeched,  and  promised  a 
thousand  services,  of  currying  horses,  and  brushing 
boots,  and  trotting  wherever  he  was  ordered,  provid- 
ed they  would  set  him  at  liberty.  When  employed 
at  the  hard  labour,  before  mentioned,  he  had  groaned, 
and  cursed  the  law,  the  counsellor,  and  the  half  joe. 
Ah,  thought  he,  if  my  dear  master,  the  Captaiuj 
knew  how  hard  a  ting  it  v/as  /to  study  law,  and  to 
fast  widout  ating  or  drinking,  and  be  bate  wid  a  cow- 
skin,  he  would  not  have  given  the  hundred  pistoles, 
nor  the  half  of  it,  to  have  had  me  kicked  and  cuffed 
in  dis  manner:  I  would  give  body  and  shoul  into 
the  bargain,  if  I  could  see  him  once  more  at  that  iron 
gate  there,  to  spake  to  him,  and  besache  him  to  take 
me  out  of  this  purgotary.  He  was  a  good  master ; 
and  when  I  was  a  fool,  and  wanted  to  be  a  member 
of  Congress,  and  prache,  and  be  a  phalosophar,  he 
told  me,  Teague,  your  are  a  fool ;  and  what  they 
would  do  wid  me  there ;  how  they  would  bate  me, 
and  ate  me,  and  take  de  skin  aff  my  back,  and  make 
a  cow  or  a  shape  od  me ;  and  now  I  am  worse  than 
a  cow  or  a  shape,  or  a  horse  in  de  tame ;  for  I  am 
cut,  and  curried  black  and  blue  ;  till  my  flesh  is  raw, 
and  a  cholic  in  my  belly,  wid  fasting ;  and  all  to  stoo- 
dy  dis  law.  The  devil  take  counsellor  Grab,  and  de 
Italf  joe. 


VOL.1. 


202  MODERN  CHIVALRY 


CHAPTER  XHI. 


THE  Captain  having  been  led  to  think  so  much 
of  law,  of  late,  was  struck  with  the  idea  of  visiting 
courts  of  justice,  and  hearing  some  of  those  cases 
argued,  which  come  before  them.  Understanding 
that  a  court  was  then  sitting,  he  resolved  to  take  the 
opportunity  of  the  interval  oif  Teague's  purgation,  in 
the  work-house,  to  amuse  himself  with  the  pleading 
of  the  advocates.  Accordingly,  repairing  to  the  court- 
house, he  took  his  place  amongst  the  crowd,  and  lis- 
tened to  what  was  going  forward. 

What  came  before  the  court  was  a  motion  in  ar- 
rest of  judgment.  A  Jonathan  Mun  had  been  indict- 
ed, and  found  guilty  of  "  feloniously  taking  and  car- 
rying away  water  out  of  the  well  of  Andrew  Mab." 
It  was  moved  in  arrest  of  judgment,  that  larceny 
could  not  be  committed  of  water  in  a  well,  it  being 
real  property ;  for  it  was  a  distinction  of  the  common 
law,  that  larceny  could  not  be  committed  of  things 
real,  or  savouring  of  the  reality,  Black.  232.  2  Ray. 
470.  Hawkins,  &c.  So  Uiat  taking  away  the  soil  was 
merely  a  tresfiass;  and  taking  away  the  water  could 
be  no  more. 

It  was  answered,  that  water  being ^^wzVctw,  et  mobi 
is,  could  not  be  considered  as  real  property ;  that  an 


I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  203 


^ejectment  would  not  lie  for  water,  but  for  so  many 
icres  of  land  covered  with  water,  Yelv.  143.  1  Burr. 
142.  Because  it  was  impossible  to  give  execution 
;of  a  thing  which  is  always  transient  and  running, 
Run.  36,  quotes  Cro.  Jas.'l50.  Lev.  114.  Sid.  151. 
Thence  it  is  that  in  a  grant  of  the  soil  it  is  necessa- 
ry, as  we  see  from  old  forms,  to  add  the  right  of  ways, 
woods,  and  water-courses,  Lilly.  Con.  132.  and  179. 
Bridg.  Con.  551.  That  whatever  might  be  said  of 
water  in  its  natural  bed  on  the  soil,  as  v/ater  in  a  run- 
ning stream  ;  yet  a  well  being, dug  by  the  labour  of 
hands,  the  water  thus  acquired,  must  be  counted  as 
personal,  not  real  property.  Barbcray,  Titius,  and 
Locke.  That  at  a  well,  the  water  being  drawn  up  by 
the  bucket,  and  thus  by  one  act  separated  from  the 
freehold,  and  by  another  taken  from  the  bucket,  it 
becomes  a  subject  of  larceny ;  as  in  the  law  of  corn, 
trees,  or  grass  t^roAving.  For  if  these  be  severed  at 
one  time,  and  at  another  time  taken  away,  it  is  lar- 
ceny.    Hav/k.  PI.  Cr.  93.  ^ 

It  was  replied,  that  ai«  ejectment  v/ould  lie  of  wa- 
ter in  a  well;  for  here  the  water  is  fixed  in  a  certain 
place,  v/ithin  the  bounds  and  compass  of  the  well ; 
and  is  considered  as  part  of  the  soil.  Rvn.  37.  That, 
ex  vi  tej-m/m,  in  the  indictment,  "  cut  of  the  well," 
it  must  be  considered  as  water  ex,  out  of,  or  from 
the  well;  that  is,  water  severed  by  the  very  act  of 
taking  ;  for  otherwise  it  would  Iiave  been  expressed, 
by  "  water  out  of  the  bucket"  of  Andrew  Mab ;  not 
out  of  the  well ;  and  so  the  taking  could  not  be  lar- 
ceny, but  trespass ;  as  in  the  case  of  a  tree  that  is  cut 
down  at  one  time,  and  taken  away  at  another;  or  ap- 
ples growing  on  a  tree,  or  shaken  down  and  gather- 
ed from  the  soil ;  the  first  being  a  trespass,  the  se- 
cond larceny. 

Curia  advisq.re  vult. 


204  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

The  Captain  whispering  to  lawyer  Grab,  enquired 
what  difference  it  made  in  the  punishment,  whether 
it  was  larceny  or  trespass  ?  He  was  answered,  that  in 
the  one  case  it  was  hanging  by  the  common  law,  and 
in  the  other  to  pay  the  value  of  the  property.  A  very 
material  difference  indeed,  said  the  Captain,  to  de- 
pend on  so  nice  a  distinction. 


[ 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  205 


CHAPTER  XIV. 


THE  Captain  had  now  leisure  to  reflect  on  tha 
predicament  in  which  he  left  Teague ;  and  thinking 
he  might  have  had  what  was  sufficient  to  cure  him 
of  his  folly,  or  at  least  restrain  it,  thought  of  making 
a  visit  to  the  house  of  employment,  or  sending  to  li- 
berate the  valet. 

This  thought  running  in  his  head,  he  naturally 
suggested  it  to  a  gentleman  with  whom  he  was,  at 
this  time,  in  conversation,  on  indifferent  subjects; 
the  gentleman  lodging  at  the  same  inn,  or  public 
house-  and  seeming  to  be  a  person  of  considerable 
shrewdness  and  discernment,  not  only  of  the  aftairs 
of  men  in  general,  but  of  the  special  spirit  and  cha- 
racter of  these  times. 

Said  the  gentleman  ;  The  folly  of  your  man  has 
certainly  been  very  great,  to  suppose,  that  he  could 
be  qualified  to  sustain  the  profession  of  an  advocate, 
and  to  practise  law:  For,  though  in  this,  as  in  most 
other  professions, "  the  race  is  not  always  to  the  swift, 
nor  the  battle  to  the  strong ;"  but  the  people  that  shew- 
eth  favour ;  that  is,  take  up  an  opinion  of  abilities, 
where  there  are  none ;  yet  your  servant,  having  so 
little,  even  of  the  semblance  of  qualification,  it  would 
be  counting  too  much  on  the  circumstance,  to  pro- 
T  2 


206  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

mise  great  success  in  his  case.  His  prospect  of  ad- 
vancement would  be  much  more  certain  in  the  poli- 
tical career.  You  seem,  by  your  account,  to  have  dis- 
couraged him  in  taking  a  seat  in  the  legislature ;  and 
would  not  wish  now  to  contradict  yourself:  yet  why 
not  indulge  him  in  taking  a  place  in  the  executive  of 
some  government.  As  far  as  I  see,  with  that  ambi- 
tion which  is  natural  to  him,  you  will  find  him  but 
of  little  use,  as  a  v/aiter :  and  you  may  as  well  let 
him  do  something  for  himself,  as  not.  If  appointed 
in  the  department  of  finance,  he  can  use  clerks ;  and, 
in  a  very  short  time,  he  may  learn  to  write  his  name, 
so  as  to  give  his  signature  to  any  paper ;  and  this, 
with  the  help  of  clerks  to  do  the  accountant  busi. 
Bess,  would  be  sufficient:  At  least,  there  have  been 
those  in  these  departments,  who  have  been  approved, 
and  yet  could  do  little  more.  Should  he  even  become 
a  governor ;  furnished  with  a  secretary,  he  can  be  at 
no  loss  to  compose  his  messages,  or  other  commu- 
nications, to  individuals,  or  public  bodies. 

But  what  I  would  propose,  and  will  suit  him  best, 
will  be  to  go  into  the  general  government ;  and,  un- 
der this,  the  diplomatic  line  will  be  eligible.  He 
might  be  appointed  consul  to  the  port  of  Cork  cr 
Dublin ;  or  the  Barbary  States  ;  or  other  places :  Or 
he  might  go  as  ambassador  to  the  grand  Mogul ;  or 
envoy  extraordinary  to  the  king  of  England ;  or  other 
princes  or  potentates  in  Europe. 

If  you  should  think  of  favouring  him  in  this  ca- 
reer, it  will  be  necessary  for  him  to  appear  at  the 
levee  of  the  president,  that  he  may  be  introduced  with 
a  certain  gradual  etiquette  of  advancement. 

What !  said  the  Captain ,  introduce  a  ragged  bog- 
trotter  to  the  president  of  the  United  States! 

Not  r^gv'ed,  said  the  gentleman;  you  can  have  a 
p^ir  of  breeches  made  for  him ;  and  put  shoes  upon 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  207 

his  feet :  a  sword  will  be  necessary ;  and  some  other 
articles  of  equipment.  And  when  you  bring  this  in- 
to view  with  his  making  his  fortune,  you  will  not 
consider  it  as  advancing  much  for  a  person  whom 
you  wish  to  serve. 

The  Captain  began  to  think  there  was  weight  in 
the  observations  of  this  gentleman ;  and  that  it  might 
be  proper  to  let  the  bog-trotter  have  a  chance  of  do- 
ing what  he  could  :  Accordingly,  he  wrote  a  note  to 
the  keeper  of  the  house  of  employment,  to  liberate 
him  for  the  present. 

The  state  of  politics  at  this  time,  and  the  prospect 
of  Teague*s  advancement,  wc  shall  leave  to  the  'Se- 
cond Volume  of  this  work. 


508 


POSTSCRIPT, 


IT  is  well  for  men  in  office,  that  my  pen  has 
taken  this  turn ;  and  that  I  employ  myself  in  writing 
harmless  nonsense,  rather  than  strictures  on  their 
conduct.  In  the  case  of  the  famous  Gordon,  who, 
with  Trenchard  was  an  author  of  what  were  stiled 
Cato's  Letters,  it  is  well  known  that  the  shrewd  mi- 
nister of  that  day,  Walpole,  dreading  the  effects  of 
these  writings,  wisely  laid  a  plan  to  free  his  admini- 
stration from  them ;  by  affecting  to  admire  the  stile ; 
and  saying,  that  it  were  a  pity  so  noble  a  genius  were 
not  employed  in  giving  a  sample  of  good  language, 
where  there  would  be  no  occasion  to  invent, but  mere- 
ly to  clothe  ideas.  For  this  reason,  he  would  consi- 
der it  as  a  great  happiness,  could  he  be  induced  to 
translate  some  work  of  merit ;  and  give  it  in  the 
beautiful  garb  of  his  expression.  By  this  address, 
and  the  addition  of  a  pension,  the  author  was  induced 
to  undertake  the  translation  of  Tacitus. 

Now,  what  government,  with  great  art,  got  Gor- 
don to  do,  I  have  done  of  my  own  accord  ;  that  is,  to 
amuse  myself  in  abstract  composition ;  regarding 
words  only,  and  letting  men  of  place  alone.  Never- 
theless, as  the  sale  of  these  is  not  certain;  and  if  I 
should  find  it  an  expense,  rather  than  a  profit,  to  pro- 


POSTSCRIPT.  209 

ceed  in  the  work,  I  may  quit  it,  and  fall  foul  of  the 
public  measures,  those  who  discharge  the  public 
trust,  at  the  present  time,  may  not  be  altogether 
safe.  It  were,  therefore,  wise  policy  in  such,  to  assist 
the  sale  as  much  as  possible ;  and  it  might  not  be 
amiss,  in  the  first  instance,  to  buy  up,  each  of  them, 
a  number  of  copies.  I  do  not  know  that  I  have  any 
thing  to  say  of  the  president  of  the  United  States; 
or  that  I  would  say  it,  if  I  had ;  nevertheless,  it  might 
not  be  amiss  for  him,  on  the  principle  of  preserva- 
tion, and,  agreeably  to  that  universal  prudence  he 
has  ever  shewn,  to  take  a  few;  perhaps  fifty  might 
suffice.  The  secretary  of  the  treasury,  and  the  se- 
cretary at  war,  might  take  between  them,  about  five 
hundred.  As  to  the  secretary  of  state,  he  is  such  a 
skin-dried  philosopher,  that  an  author  would  make 
as  little  out  of  him,  as  a  fly  would  out  of  a  weather- 
beaten  bone ;  and  so,  it  is  of  little  consequence  to  him, 
whether  he  buys  one  at  all ;  for  I  believe  I  shall  not 
trouble  my  head  about  him.  As  to  the  Congress 
that  have  sat  since  the  adoption  of  the  federal  consti- 
tution, they  need  not  put  themselves  tp  the  expence, 
individually  or  collectively  of  purchasing  one  pam- 
phlet ;  as  I  am  determined  not  to  be  bought  off  by 
them ;  but  in  a  work  which  I  shall  by  and  by  publish, 
will  canvas,  freely,  the  respective  demerit  of  their 
votes.  I  have  not  yet  written  any  part  of  this  work ; 
but  I  have  it  all  in  my  mind;  and  if  I  had  a  ready 
amanuensis,  to  take  it  down,  could  give  a  volume  in 
a  short  time. 

The  whole  gradation  of  officers  and  place-men, 
under  government,  are  a  good  deal  in  my  power. 
Not  that  I  would  descend  to  attack  them;  but  I  might 
affect  the  system  by  which  they  are  supported.  A 
pretty  liberal  purchase,  therefore,  on  their  part,  might 
be  money  not  ill  laid  out. 


w 


2 10  POSTSCRIPT. 

The  men  that  are  upon  the  govemnient  of  Penn- 
sylvania, would  find  their  account,  in  making  it  worth 
my  while  to  let  my  fingers  run  in  this  way,  a  while 
longer.  Feream  ne  scribam;  I  must  write;  and  if  I 
should  break  out  upon  them,  I  know  not  where  I 
mi^ht  end. 


ES»    07    TBB    rjRST    rOLUME, 


s.  H.  m'fetrich,  printer. 


F 


MODERN  CHIVALRY, 


I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY  < 

CONTAINING    THB 

ADVENTURES  OF  A  CAPTAIN, 

AND 

TEAGUE  O'REGAN, 

HIS    SERVANT. 

BY  H.  H.  BHACKENRIDGE. 


<VXS  V2TAT  RIPENT£M  DICSRE  VSaUM.........HOm. 


PART  IL 

VOLUME  I, 


PUBLISHED  BY 
Jacob  Johnson,  and  for  sale  at  his  BOOKSTORt^ 

IN  PHILADELPHIA  AND  IN  RICHMOND)  VIRGINIA,* 
JLEXJNDBS  (5*  PHJLLIFS,  PSHf^BMS,  CARLISLE* 


1807, 


COPY  RIGHT  SECURED. 


MODERN  CHIVALRYv 


CHAPTER  L 


fliatu^  valde  dejlendus^  mutta  desiderafttUr, 

HERE  is  a  great  gap.  Not  a  word  said  Of 
file  Captain,  from  the  packing  up  of  Teagiie,  and 
sending  him  off  to  France,  until  after  the  terftiination 
of  the  French  revolution,  and  the  armistice  or  con- 
vention of  Amiens;  Though  the  fact  is,  that  he  had 
been,  alMhistitne,  ttaveUing,  and  Teague  had  rejoin- 
ed him,  in  the  capacity?  of  a  pediseque,  or  foot-boy, 
as  before.  A«  to  Duncan,  the  Scotch  waiter,  he  had, 
long  since,  left  the  service,  and  taken  a  job  of  weav- 
ing in  the  neighbourhood,  and  was  doing  well.  The 
Captain  had  endeavoured  to  persuade  him  to  take  to 
preaching,  as  many  do  in  this  country  who  are  less 
qualified,  bift  lie  refused,  alleging,  that  though  it 
vwas  good  work  that  pleased  the  customer,  yet  he  had 
some  scruples  of  conscience  in  undertaking  the 
d^harge,  not  having  been  regularly  called  by  ordina- 
tion to  the  office. 

V    Teague  had  been  landed  at  Nantzj  and  being  a  real- 
sans  culotte,  was  liberated,  and  caressed  by^  the  mul- 
thude.     With  considerable  eclat,  he  made  his  way  to 
Paris.     We  hear  of  him  at  a  very  early  peiiod  as 
nfvade  use  of^  by  Anacharsis  Cloots,  the  orsior  ef  lh«^ 


0  MODERM  croVALRY. 

liiiman  race  ;  this  was  in  a  procession,  in  wIiicKre* 
prestntalives  of  all  nation&j  were  introduced  in  iheir- 
respective  garbs,  addressing  the  convention.  Teague 
WdS  in  the  character  ot  an  Esqiiiraaux  Indian,  and 
passed  liis  aboriginal  Irish,  for  the  native  dialect  of 
ihat  people.  An  Irish  officer  that  vv^as  present  dis- 
covered the  imposition,  but  the  guillotine  forbad  him 
to  speak,  and  he  was  silent. 

This  ultramarine  person,  (Teague)  was  a  good  deal 
distinguished  during  the  reiern  of  Robespierre,  and 
w<is  employed  on  many  occasions,  and  discharged  a 
variety  of  functions,  so  that  though  his  morals  were 
not  much  amended,  nor  his  address  much  improved, 
yet  he  had  contracted  French  phrases,  and  could  in- 
terlard his  dialect  with  a  que  voulez  vous  ;  and  je  de- 
mand pardon.  At  length  he  iJound  himself  in  the 
conciergerie,  a  destination  from  which  no  talents> 
virtues,  or  even  vices  could  exempt.  Apd  it  was  only 
on  the  fall  of  that  monster  of  whom  we  have  just 
made  mention,  that  he  was  vomited  with,  others  from 
the  caverns  in  which  he  had  been  secluded.  How  he 
ever  got  to  America  again,  it  is  difficult  to  say.  We 
shall  leave  that  to  tliose  who  may  take  from  his  own- 
mouth  the  memoirs  of  his  travels.  It  is  sufficient  for' 
our  purpose,  that  he  did  get  back,  and  that  he  is  once 
more  in  the  train  of  the  Captain.  The  fact  is,  that) 
he  had  joined  him  in  a  most  unexpected  maimer,  in' 
a  short  time  after  Duncan  the  Scotch  servant  had 
uegged  to  be  dismissed,  to  apply  himself  to  a  profes- 
sion more  congenial  with  his  education. 

We  shall  go  no  farther  back  upon  the  step«  of  the 
Captain,  with  the  bog-trotter  at  his  heels,  than  where 
;^Ye  find  them  wilhinamile,  or  less- of  the  village,  where 
his  home  was,  and  where  he  had  resided  some  years^ 
before  he  had  set  out  on  his  peregrii:iation3.  Passing 
through  a  wood  just  as  he  approached  the  town,  he 
ii'x\y  at  some  distance  before   him  the  semblance  of 


J^fpDERN  CHJiVALRYv  r 

men  «uspended.  on  the  limbs  of  trees,  or  at  least  the 
exuvifC  of  men,  coats,  \vaist:Coats,  brteches,  and  hatSr 
What  can  this  be,  said  the  Captain  ?  Is  \i  probable^ 
that  hearing  of  your  return,  Teague,  the  Wags  of  the 
village  have  been  making  what  41'e  called  paddies,  and 
have  set  them  up  on  these  trees,  knowing  that  this 
way  we  should  come. 

By  St.  Patrick,  said  Teague,  J  wJU  paddy  dem  wid 
dis  shalelah.  I  will  tache  ulem  to  x«^ke"  paddies,  and 
hang  dem  «p.  for  sign  posts  in  de  wood  here.  Dis  is 
not  St.  Patrick's  day  in  de  morning  ne^der :  bad  luck 
to  dem,  it  may  be  some  poop  fellow  dat  dey  have 
hang'd  up  in  reality,  for  shape  stalling  as  dey  do  in- 
Ireland. 

I  see  nothing,  ■  said  the  Captain,  bpt  the  emptyings 
of  ward-robes,  jibbeted  throuj^h  the  grove  :  stretched- 
on  trees^  or  suspended  fiom  them,  a  phenomenon,- 
which  I  am  unable  to  comprehend,  or  explain  ;  for  I 
s^e  no  corn  growing  underneath,  froiii  which,  a  pria- 
pus,  or  scare-crow  might  affright  the  birds  ;  nor  can^ 
they  be  the  vestments  of  people  at  work,  near  hand, 
or  stripped  to  bathe,  as  I  see  no  water  pond,  or  river, 
but  a  dry  grove. 

The  fact  is,  these  habilifnents  were  of  the  people 
of  the  towuy  who  had  hung  them  up  to  the  dew,  in* 
order  ta  take  off  the  musk  of  a  pole-cat  which  had 
afiected  them  from  the  perfusions  of  one  of  these  ani-- 
mals.  For,  not  long  before  tlvis,  a  typographist,  had 
set  up  a  paper  in  the  village,  and  in  the  capacity  of 
editor  had  chosen  to  assume  the  syn»bol,  or  hiero- 
jjjyphic  of  the  PorcupJAc.  A  happy  nature  had  fitted 
iiim  for  a  satyrist,  and  felicity  of  education  v/as  not 
wanting  to  qualify  him  for  the  office.  He  had  not 
the  pleasantry  of  Horace,  nor  the  pungency  of  Juve- 
nal, but  an  original  stricture  of  his  own  that  supplied 
the  place  of  them.  The  truth  is,  he  had  been  bred 
in  the  barracks,  and  had  at  his  lingtr  ends,  tlie  iXw^W 


r  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Uai*  phrases  of  the  common  soldiery,  with  that  pecu- 
liar species  of  wit,  which  is  common  with  that  occu-^ 
pation  of  men,  and  in  that  gfade.  Doubtless  we  see 
something  like  it  among  the  plebeians  of  all  classes 
and  denominations  ;  The  Women  that  sell  fish  at  a 
certain  stand  in  London «  have  a  species  of  h,  known 
by  the  name  of  Billingsgate,  either  because  there  is  a 
gate  of  that  name  near  the  place,  or  formerly  was 
one.  The  miners  and  coal  heavers  have  a  good  deal 
of  it.  The  scavengers  and  chimney  sweepers  are 
adepts,  though  without  the  least  scholastic  education, 
or  knowledge  of  letters.  I  have  known  even  in  our 
own  country,  where  we  are  remote  from  the  seats  of 
the  muses,  a  good  deal  of  it  possessed,  by  way  travel- 
lers, or  boat  men  on  our  rivers  ;  a  kind  of  unshack- 
led dialect ;  fettered  by  no  rule  of  delicacy,  or  feeling^ 
of  humanity.  I  have  been  turning  in  my  mind  what 
word  in  our  English  language,  best  expresses  it^ 
and  1  have  found  it  to  be  that  which  has  been  given  it 
by  Thomas  Paine,  black-gtmrdism.  The  editor  of 
the  Porcupine  had  scored  the  village  not  a  little.  I 
do  not  say  rubbed.  For  that  is  a  translation  of  the 
phrase  of  Horace  :  urbem  defricuit ;  and  conveys  the* 
idea  of  tickling,  or  causing  a  sensation  pleasant,  yet 
hurting  a  little.  That  was  not  the  case  here.  For 
what  man  without  indignation  can  bear  the  touch 
of  the  slanderer,  more  especially  if  that  dander  is  of  a 
private,  and  domestic  nature  and  alludes  to  what  can^ 
not  be  ejp/uained  br  defended.  Jfot  that  it  is  true,  but 
a  man  in  the  just  pride  of  standing  in  society ^  would 
scorn  to  appeul  to  the  public  or  bring  it  before  a  court  I 
There  was  in  the  village  a  man  of  understanding, 
and  sensibility  who  had  been  the  subject  of  caricature 
a^ld  not  chubing  for  reasons  that  weighed  with  him- 
self, to  take  it  in  good  part,  thought  of  retaliation. 
But  what  could  he  do  ?  The  same  language  was  un- 
>H."coming  a^gentleman,     The  like  strictures  of  fol- 


MQ0ERN  CHIVALRT.  r 

fcles  or  ol  faults  on  the  part  of  an  adversary,  coulcj 
f)nly  become  the  character  of  a  subordinate.  Nor 
^'as  it.so  much  his  object  to  repress  the  licentious- 
ness of  this  buffoon,  as  to  correct  the  taste  and  judg- 

tjnent  of  'he  public  who  did  not  all  at  once  distinguish 
the  ini propriety  of  countenancing  such  ribaldry; 
This  they  continued  to  do  by  receiving  his  papers. 

With  a  view  to  this  having  taken  a  pole-cat  on  the 
Ifteuntains,  he  had  put  it  in  a  cage  and  hiring  an  office 
contiguous  to  that  of  the  Porcupine,  he  kept  it  there, 
suffering  the  boys  of  the  village  to  provoke  it,  and 
the  dogs  to  bark  at  it  through  the  bars.  It  was  in 
Tain  to  complain  ;  the  owner  called  himself  Paul  Pole- 
cat, and  when  Porcupine  expostulated  and  justified  his 
gall  on  i\\t  freedom  of  the  presa^  Paul  fortified  himself 
on  the  liberty  of  the  -£jr/2rc«*. 

But  it  was  not  Porcupine  alone,  npr  Iiis  wnofTend- 
|ng  wife  arid  family  that  had  reason  to  complain  of 
this  nuisance.     The  children  running  home  to  their 

:  parents,  and  the  dogs  with  them  l^rought  the  per- 
ftime  to  the  houses  of  the  vilkge.     The  wearing  ap- 

•  parel  of  almost  every  one  was  affected  with  the  musk  \ 
the  women  buried  their  dresses  ;  the  men  in  some 
instances  did  the  lil^e  and  in  others,  hung  them  up  to  the 

,t  %ption  of  the  air,  and  the  dews  of  the  adjoining  wood. 
i   The  vestiges  of  these  were  the  phenomena,  which 

I  tjie  Captain  saw,  in  his  approach  to  the  town. 

I     .He  had  now  got  within  sight  of  the  main  square, 

I'  when  a  tumultuous  assembly  struck  his  eye  ;  some 

%  with   fists  raised  ;  others  with  slicks,  and    all  in   a 

teenacing  attitude.     He  could  also  hear  tongues  of 
ople  altercating  with  one  another  and  using  oppro- 
brious epithets. 

The  fact  was,   that  the  village  had  become  divided. 

I  Those  who  had  been  the  subjects  of  the  obloquy  of 

Porcupine,    justified  the  emission  of  the  cats,  and 

were  of  opinion  that  the  one  had  as  good  a  right  to  be 


10  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

borne  as  the  other.  Council  had  been  taken  an^ 
learned  opinions  given.  But  this  making  the  matter 
no  better,  the  dissention  had  increased,  and  the  peo- 
ple had  come  together  in  a  rage. 

Teague  at  a  distance  seeing  this,  stopp'd  short:  said 
he,  what  means  all  this  paple  in  de  street  ?  It  is  as 
bad  as  dat  of  St.  Anthony  in  Paris,  or  de  place  de 
greve  where  dey  have  de  gillotine.  The  devil  burn 
me  if  r  go  farther,  'till  your  honour  goes  on  and  sees 
what  is  de  matter. 

The  Captain  advancing  to  the  populace  was  recog- 
nized by  them,  and  his  appearance  contributed  not  a 
little  to  a  longer  suspension  of  hostilities. 

Countrymen  and  fellow-citizens,  said  he,  is  this 
the  satisfaction  that  I  have,  in  returning  amongst  you 
after  an  absence  of  several  years,  to  see  man  armed 
against  man,  and  war  waged  not  only  in  the  very 
bosom  of  the  republic,  but  in  the  village  which  I 
have  instructed  by  many  precepts  ?  What  can  be  the 
madness  that  possesses  you  ?  are  not  the  evils  of  life 
sufficient  ?  but  you  must  increase  them  by  the  posi- 
tive acts  of  your  own  violehce.  You  cannot  wholly 
preserve  yourselves  at  all  times  free  from  the  mala- 
dies of  the  body,  or  the  distresses  of  the  mind.  But 
it  is  in  your  power  greatly  to  assuage  these,  by  the 
virtues  of  temperance  and  moderation.  What  fury 
can  prompt  you,  to  this  degree  of  apparent  resent 
ment,  and  approaching  tumult.  Is  it  local  or  gene- 
ral politics  ?  Is  it  any  disagreement  with  regard  td 
your  corporate  interests,  or  is  religion  the  cause  ?  Hat 
any  flagrant  instance  of  moral  turpitude,  or  exceed- 
ing knavery  in  an  individual,  roused  you  to  this  ex- 
cess of  violence,  and  exclamation  ? 

Captain,  said  a  middle  aged  man  stepping  forward, 
companion  of  his  years,  and  who  had  long  lived  with 
him  in  tlie  village  ;  it  is  not  only  pleasing  to  see  yoa 
return  in  apparent  good  health,  but  more  especiallyf 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1! 

at  this  particular  moment  when  your  interference  can- 
not but  be  of  the  gjreatest  use^  to  the  citizens  ;  not 
only  on  account  t>i  that  confidence  which  Ihfey  haV6 
in  your  judgment  and  discretion,  of  which  they  have 
a  lively  recollection;  but  as  they  must  naturally 
tMink  that  your  travelling  must  have  given  yo\i  know- 
ledge, and  brotjght  you  home  full  fraught  with  learn- 
ing atid  information.  Your  humanity  is  also,  well 
rehiembered  by  them,  that  man,  woman  or  child  was 
never  injured  by  you,  in  life^  estate,  or  reputation  ; 
that  on  the  contrary,  it  was  always  your  study  to  do 
good,  and  compose  differences.  Now  a  misfortune 
has  ha{>pened  to  the  village  ;  If  I  can  call  it  a  misfor- 
tune, which  was  at  first  thought  a  good  ;  a  printer 
came  to  this  place  and  set  up  a  paper,  or  gazette,  by 
taking  subscriptions  from  those  that  were  willing  to 
give  them.  His  device  was  the  Porcupine  ;  scarcely 
a  month  had  gone  over  his  head  before  he  began  to 
lampoon  ;  searching  into  the  secrets  of  families,  and 
publishing  matters  of  individuals,  with  which>  whe- 
ther true  or  false,  the  public  haxi  nothing  to  do  ;  and 
this  in  so  low  and  disorderly  a  manner,  that  the  more 
intelligem  have  disapproved  of  it ;  but  the  bulk  read, 
end  it  seems  tD  increase  rather  than  curtail  his  sub- 
scribers. A  young  man  on  the  other  hand  that  has 
bad  iin  acEtSetnic  education,  meamng  to  burlesque 
his  manner  of  wtiting,  haying  gone  to  t'he  mountain 
with  a  dog,  or  a  trap,  and  having  taken  a  pole-cat, 
he  puts  the  beast  in  a  cage  ;  hires  that  frame  build- 
in^t^  that  you  see,  one  story  high,  and  but  a  room  on 
a  floor,  and  calls  it  his  ofl^ce.  Here  he  places  the 
pole-cat  with  a  man  to  attend  it.  What  a  running  oJE" 
hoys ;  wliat  a  barking  of  dogs  we  have  had  !  and 
when  tin;  children  run  home,  and  the  dogs  after  them ; 
what  a. (Jutting  of  the  hand  upon  the  nosej  by  the  ser- 
,  Vant  girls  and  the  mistresses,  at  the  smell  that  ac* 
^^ompanies.    The  young  man  jusii&es  lumseif  under 


12  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

the  pretence  thatit  is  but  retaliation  of  "the  odour  that 
proceeds  from  the  prefss  of  Pk^rcupine ;  for,  as  this 
affects  the  organ  of  smelHng,  that  disgusts  the  judg- 
ment of  the  miiid.'  The  people  arcf  divided,  as  will 
Mways  be  the -case,  if  for  no  other  cause,  yet  for  the 
sake  of  division ;  because  the  pride  of  one  man  forbids 
hinn  to  thinlc  just  as  another  does.  The'  adversaries 
of  theoppossum,  or  what  else  it  is,  insist  that  it  shall 
be  put  down  as  a  nuisance,  and  have  met  with  clubs, 
staves  and' knives,  to  carry  the  threat  into  execution. 
The  advocates  cffthe  animal  oh -tlVe  otltta*  hand  have 
convened  to  oppose  them.  i   :    )   ' 

But  said  the  Captain,  did  I  not  leave  you  a  regular 
corporation  ?  Have  you  not  powfer  to  rriake  bye  laws? 
and  is  not  this  done  lipon  noticie  given  by  the  chief  or 
assistant  burgesses  ?  why  such  hurry  scurry  as  this  ? 
moreover  ii  is  ii  weighty  question  that  agitates  th6 
public  mind  ;  a  question  xk  right :  and  where  the 
Hghtsof  the  citizen  come  in  qitbstion,  I  hold  it  a  most 
dfelic ate  thing  to  decide  ;  iii  a  free  government,  more 
especially,'  where  the  essence  of  liberty  is  the  preser- 
vation of  right ;  and  there  is  the  right  of  conscitnce, 
the  right  of  propeirty,  and  the  right  of  reputation. 
This  IS  a  right  of  property;  for  if  ^his  animul  which 
is  ferae  naturx,  has  been  reclaimed  by  the  owner,  he 
lias  a  rigbt^o'pnt'it'to  such  use  as  suits  his  trade,  or 
iiccords  ^ith  his  whim^  provided  that  it  does  not  af- 
fect the  rights  of  others '  ITie  limit,  boundary,  or 
demarcation  of  this  use,  is^  question  of  wi's'e  discus- 
sion and  examination  ;  and  not  in  a  tumultuous  as- 
semt)ly»  heated  with  wine,  but  with  the  •  ardency 
of  their  own  spirits.  I  advise  therefore,  arid  so  fur 
as  my  weak  judgment  deserves  to  be  rega.rde<i  would 
recommend,  that  each  man  lay  down  his  shalelah, 
baton,  or  walking-stick,  and  retire  for  the  evening ; 
and  convene  to-morrow  in  a  regular  town  meeting, 
where  the  adversaries  and  ad^-ocates  on  both  sides 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  15 

may  have  an  opportunity  of  beini^  heard.  To-mor- 
row when  you  meet  with  the  chief  burgess  in  the 
chair,  to  keep  order,  and  preserve  decorum,  assign 
the  proper  times  of  speakinj^,  and  call  to  order  on  a 
deviation  from  the  subject,  as  is  usual  in  deliberative 
assemblies,  the  business  can  be  taken  up,  and  conduct- 
ed as  is  proper  in  town  meetings.  I  am  now  just 
from  my  journey  ;  somewhat  fatigued  ;  but  more 
moved  by  the  consideration  that  I  am  on  horse-back, 
and  it  is  not  becoming  that  I  take  a  part  in  your  de- 
bates as  if  my  horse  were  to  speak  also  ;  for  though 
it  is  true  that  some  of  you  may  speak  with  perhaps  as 
little  sense  as  he  could,  were  he  to  open  his  mouth  and 
attempt  utterance  ;  yet  the  decency  of  the  thing  for- 
bids, and  even  the  exercise  of  the  right  might  be  ques- 
tioned ;  for  the  faculty  might  exist,  yet  he  could  not 
be  considered  as  legitimately  franchiscd  to  this  privi- 
lege, at  least  not  havmg  a  right  to  vote  in  town  meet- 
ings, t-  or  though  in  the  congress  of  the  United  States, 
the  representatives  of  the  territories,  not  yet  organi- 
zed in'io  independen.t  states,  and  made  regular  mem- 
bers of  the  Union,  have  a  right  to  speak,  but  not  to 
vote,  this  is  not  to  be  drawn  into  precedent  in  subor- 
dinate corporations  ;  for  that  is  a  special  provision 
of  the  constitution  And  it  is  even  indecorous  for 
myself  to  sit  here  and  speak,  mounted,  as  occupying 
a  more  elevated  station  ;  and  should  1  descend  from 
my  cavalry,  my  servant  wiiom  you  see  yonder,  is 
kept  at  bay,  by  an  apprehension  of  your  swords,  and 
refuses  to  come  up  so  that  1  am  without  an  attendant 
to  hold  the  beast  ;  all  things  considered  therefore,  I 
move,  a  chairman  not  yet  being  appointed,  who  might 
put  the  question,  that  you  adjourn,  or  dissolve  until 
to-morrow  about  this  time,  when  the  matter  may  be 
taken  up  as  we  now  have  it,  and  the  affair  canvassed 
as  becomes  members  of  the  same  community,  and  in- 
habitants of  the  same  village. 

PART  II.  VOL.  I.  B 


14  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

It  caanotbe  difficult  to  conceive  that  these  words  had 
a  favourable  tffect  upon  the  audience  ;  as  oils  com- 
pose a  storm.  For  as  the  waves  of  the  ocean  rise  and 
fall  suddenly,  so  the  passions  of  men  ;  and  in  no  in- 
stance more  than  where  they  are  just  coming  to  blows; 
for,  approaching  anger  disposes  to  peace,  every  one 
having  felt  half  a  blow  already  on  his  head  ;  and  the 
difficulty  only  is  to  get  an  excuse,  for  returning,  or 
sheathing  the  weapon.  They  are  much  obliged  to  the 
man  that  councils  concord  ;  and  advises  the  putting 
donvn  the  brickbat^  or  putting  on  the  coat.  Even  in 
duelling  it  holds  the  tame,  and  the  principal  is  a  friend 
to  the  second  ever  after^  that  manages  the  matter  so 
iviscly  that  no  blood  is  shed. 

It  was  moved  and  seconded  that  in  the  mean  time 
the  keeper,  or  as  he  called  himself  the  editor  of  the 
pole-cat,  should  keep  his  charge  within  the  claustrum, 
or  bars  of  his  cage,  and  covered  with  a  matting,  so 
that  access  might  not  be  had  to  him,  by  man  or  beast, 
or  egress  on  his  part,  of  that  offensive  odour,  which 
had  been  the  cause  of  the  disturbance.  This,  the  par- 
tizans  of  the  skunk,  were  willing  to  admit  and  sanction 
^vith  their  acquiescence,  on  condition,  nevertheless, 
that  the  Porcupine  in  the  mean  time,  should  also  re- 
strain his  quills  ;  in  other  words,  suspend  the  eflu- 
sions  of  his  press,  and  cease  to  distribute  papers  for  a 
day  or  two  during  the  pendency  of  the  debate  This 
was  thought  reasonable,  and  carried  by  the  multitude 
holdinGT  up  their  hands. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


U 


CHAPTER  H. 


C6XTAINING  PROCEEDINGS  OF  THK  TOWN  IIEETIN'G. 

THE  day  followinp:,  a  meeting  being  held,  and 
the  chief  burgess  in  the  chair,  an  advocate  of  Porcu- 
pine took  the  ground  and  spoke. 

Gentlemen,  said  he,  the  press  is  the  palladium  of 
liberty.  '"  The  image  that  fell  down  from  Jupiter." 
The  freedom  of  the  press  is  essential  to  liberty.  Shac- 
kle the  press,  and  you  restrain  freedom.  The  con- 
stitutions of  the  states  have  provided  that  the  press 
shall  be  free.  If  you  muzz-le  this,  you  muzzle  the 
mouth  of  man. 

It  is  i;ot  the  freedom  of  the  press,  said  one  interrupt- 
ing him.  it  is  li^e  abuse  of  it  thvit  is  in  qnesticn. 

The  chief  burgess  called  to  order,  and  the  speaker 
went  on» 

That  is  the  point  said  he,  to  ^vhich  I  mear/*.  to  come. 
What  shall  be  said  to  be  tlie  abuse  of  the  press  ? 
In  order  to  determine  this,  we  must  consider  its  U5:e. 
This  is, 

1.  The  amusement  of  the  editor.  For  as  some  men 
amuse  themselves,  shooting,  fishing,  or  chasing  wild 
beasts,  so  men  of  literary  taste,  find  their  recreation 
in  penning  paragraphs  for  a  paper,  sometimes  con- 
taining information,   or   observations  on  the  state  of 


fo  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

eiT.pires  and  ii.e  characters  of  men;  at  other  ti^Kcii 
by  descendin'^,  or  net  lishig  at  all,  but  confining 
thtmselves  to  the  subordiniiie  affairs  of  indiduals,  and 
private  persons. 

2.  Tlie  profit  of  the  editor  :  and  this  depends  on 
the  number  of  subscribers.  'It  is  not  every  one  that 
has  a  taste  for  rtfintd  writing.  Guts  and  [garbage  de- 
jight  bears  ;  and  suine  swill  the  trough  in  preference 
to  the  running  stream.  Scurrility  is  the  gout  of 
in  any.     Nay,  it  is  the  more  prevailing  taste  ; 

*'  The  work]  is  naturally  averse 
To  all  the  truth  it  sees  or  hears  ; 
Ent  swallov/s  nonsense  and  a  lie, 
With  greediness  and  gluttony." 

In  Britain,  or  some  other  countries,  delicacy  may 
succeed.  But  the  coarse  stomachs  of  the  Ameiicans 
crave  indecency,  at  least  a  portion  of  it.  Rough  like 
their  own  woods,  and  v/ild  bensts,  they  digest  scurrility. 

Well  said,  Porcupine !  said  a  pole-cat  man,  taking 
the  ground  in  his  turn  :  But  this  furnishes  a  ground 
to  justify  tlie  introduction  of  the  pole-cat.  You  talk 
of  the  freedom  of  the  press.  Here  is  the  freedom  of 
the  express.  Nay  the  word  expression  which  is  com- 
mon to  both  institutions,  tlie  artificial  one  of  the  types, 
and  the  natural  one  of  the  cat,  shews  the  original  to 
be  similar,  and  the  comparison  to  t'un  on  all-fours.  If 
the  ivk  cast  iiUo  black  letter,  and  carrying  with  it 
pain  and  pungency  froni  the  ideas  communicated,  is 
tolerated  ;  much  more  the  volatile  alkali  of  the  ani- 
mal that  is  nov/  set  up,  is  to  be  borne,  as  not  more  of- 
fensive to  body  cr  miiid.  Shall  the  bark  of  trees  made 
into  powder,  and  this  powder  into  a  liquid,  impregna- 
ted with  thought,  and  put  upon  paper,  and  carried  to 
tlie  press,  be  acctfunted  harmless,  notwithstanding 
the  violence  of  the  decoction,  yet  the  wild  catd  iha6 


I  MODERN  CHIVALRY.  l7. 

inhabit  these  trees,  and  are  denizens  of  the  forest,  be 
proliibited  because  of  a  ba^^  under  their  tails  which 
contains  an  unsavoury  distillation,  and  may  be  occa- 
sionally spurted  upon  men  ? 

A  lawyer  spoke  on  the  side  of  Porcupine.  The 
principles  of  the  common  law  embrace  this  case.  It 
is  unlawful  to  exercise  trades  in  towns  that  occasion 
noisome  smells  ;  they  are  abateable  as  nuisances. 

Grant  it,  said  a  juris-coniult,  ,.on  the  pole-cat 
side  ;  but  when  it  is  in  retaliation,  or  in  self-de- 
fence against  an  editor  whose  defamation  is  more 
offensive  to  the  feelings  of  the  mind,  than  the  hoj^o 
of  a  civet  to  the  sense  of  smelling  ;  or  when  it 
is  used  in  burlesque,  and  by  way  of  analogy  and 
symbol  to  explain  the  impropriety  of  encouraging 
personal  abuse,  by  taking  papers,  it  may  correct  by 
leading  to  reflection.  The  mind  may  be  insensible 
to  abstract  lessons,  but  a  paradigm,  or  object  set  be- 
fore it  may  affect.  As  to  this  man  exercising  hh 
trade  by  the  smell  of  a  cat,  it  is  an  occupation  which 
can  be  carried  on  to  advantage  only  in  a  town  ;  for  it 
is  in  towns  chiefly  that  editors,  assemble  ;  and  it  is 
by  setting  up  under  our  noses,  and  affecting  the  rea- 
ders, that  the  impression  is  made.  For  if  the  public 
will  receive  libels  into  their  houses  for  the  use  of 
themselves  and  families,  let  them  take  a  little  of  this 
hartshorn  with  it  and  if  they  will  have  the  one,  bear 
the  other.  A  ground  of  the  common  law  is  general 
Teason  adapted  to  particular  cases.  I  grant  that  it 
even  goes  so  far  as  to  make  the  keeping  hogs  in  a  pen 
near  my  window,  in  towns,  a  nuisance  ;  but  this  is  a 
town  incorporated,  and  can  by  a  bye  law  regulate  a 
new  trade.  I  hold  it  to  be  a  matter  of  vote  whether 
this  quadruptd  shall  be  tolerated  or  excluded. 

The  advocate  for  the  press  rejoined.     The  com- 

mon  law,  said  he,  protects  the  press.     It  is  the  rio-|,t 

of  the  tongue  transferred  to  the  hand  :  it  ought  to  be 

as  free  as  the  air  that  we  breathe  :  The  privilege,  &i> 

B  2 


13  MODERN  CHIVALRY, 

unfettered  as  the  orr^ans  of  articulation.  But  what  i^j 
there  in  the  common  law  to  protect  from  the  asper- 
sion of  this  animal  ? 

The  po!e-cat  man  replied.  It  is  on  principle  aiirl 
by  analog:y,  said  he,  tliat  it  is  protected.  Does  not" 
the  law  of  water  courses  apply  to  this  If  a  man  di- 
vert a  stream  from  my  meadow,  or  obstruct  one  run- 
ning through  it,  so  as  to-dam  it  up,  and  diown  th( 
grass,  have  not  I  a  remedy  ?  shall  this  man  at  muci 
expence  and  charge  bring  a  beast  from  the  mountains,! 
tame  it,  or  reduce  it  under  his  dominion,  and  apph 
it  to  a  purpose  in  civilized  and  domestic  life,  and  shall 
we  say  that  the  common  law  does  not  protect  him  ii 
the  enjoyment  of  its  musk  ? 

The  advocate  on  the  side  of  Porcupine  rejoine< 
So  use  your  own  said  he,  that  you  trespass  not  upoi 
another  man's.  If  you  keep  your  smell,  and  hogs 
home  to  your  own  nose,  there  is  no  objection.  Buj 
in  the  nature  o?  the  thing  it  cannot  be  ;  for  the  air  i^ 
the  natural  conductor ;  and  therefore  it  cannot  bui 
exist  a  nuisance. 

Surrejoinder ;  but  after  all,  is  it  more  a  nuisance 
than  the  press,  which  it  has  in  view  to  correct  ? 

At  this  instant  a  commotion  was  perceivabl< 
amongst  the  multitude  ;  not  on  account  of  what  wai 
said,  or  meaning  any  disturbance  hke  debate  ;  buj 
the  rumour  v/as  that  a  fresh  cat  had  been  brought 
from  the  liills  above  the  town,  and  was  on  its  way  t( 
tlie  college-man  who  had  offered  a  rev/ard  for  an  addi- 
tional puss  to  increase  his  slock  ;  tmd  as  it  was  con- 
jectured, meant  to  phy  it  ofF  under  the  pretext  thai 
the  proliibition  conudned  in  the  armistice  extendec 
only  to  the  individual  beast  that  he  had  before  in  hij 
possession. 

The  Captain,  at  this,  rising,  said;    this  is  not  fail 
It  is  within  tlie  reason,  if  not  the  express  words  of  the 
convention;  that  all  annoyances  by  steani,  vapour  or 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  19 

^flluvia  proceeding-  from  a  pole-cat  shall  be  suspend- 
ed durinfj  the  pendency  of  tliis  quesuon  ;  and  it  is  an 
evasion  to  substitute  another  badger,  and  by  tliat 
nie-dns  attempt  to  ehide  the  stipulation. 

The  Pole-cat  man  got  up  to  explain.  It  is  liir  fiom 
me,  said  he,  to  elude  or  evade  the  pcrfoi'mance  of  the 
stipulation.  The  fact,  is,  that  heaiin.e;,  a  day  or  two 
at^o,  that  Porcupine,  M^as  about  to  enlari^e  his  sheet, 
and  for  that  purpose  had  employed  a  journeyman, 
more,  I  thought  it  not  amiss  to  extend  the  scale  of  my 
vapour  and  employ  two  conduits  instead  of  one.  For 
that  purpose  had  sent  to  the  woods,  for  another  cut, 
v/hich  is  now  on  the  way,  but  in  a  leathern  bag  by 
my  directions,  and  not  to  have  regress,  or  egress, 
until  this  assembly  shall  dissolve,  nor  for  a  reasona- 
ble time  after,  tliateundo,  and  redeundo,  or  going  as 
"Well  as  coming,  you  may  be  safe,  let  what  will  be  the 
issue  of  the  controversy  ;  whether  I  am  to  break  up 
stock,  or  be  suffered  to  go  on. 

This  explanation  gave  satisfaction,  and  composed 
the  assembly. 

Another  speaker  had  now  occupied  the  ground.  I 
cannot  say  the  floor,  for  there  was  no  floor.  I  am, 
said  he,  for  supporting  the  press.  The  objection  is, 
that  it  is  a  blackguard  press.  But  while  there  are  blacl-  - 
guards  to  v.rite,  must  they  not  have  a  press  ?  Is  it 
only  men  of  polisiied  education  that  have  a  right  to  ex- 
press their  sentiments  ?  Let  them  write  in  magrzine":-, 
or  have  gazettes  of  their  own,  but  not  resiiict  the 
right  that  people  of  a  more  uncultivated  undeistmd- 
ing  have  to  amuse  themselves  aiul  others  with  their 
lucubrations.  You  call  us  the  Sv«'inish  Multitude, 
and  yet  refuse  us  the  food  that  is  natural  to  us.  Are 
there  not  amongst  us  those  that  have  no  relish  for  c  is- 
quisiiions  on  the  bidance  of  power  or  form  of  govern- 
ments, agricultural  essays,  or  questions  of  finance  ; 
Uut  can  relish  a  laugh  raised  at  the  expense  of  the 


%0  MODERN  CHIVALR?. 

master  of  a  family  ;  or  a  public  character  in  high  sta- 
tion ;  if  for  no  other  reason,  but  because  it  gratifies 
the  self-love  of  those  who  cannot  attain  the  same  emi- 
nence ?  Take  away  from  us  this,  and  what  have  we 
more  ?  What  is  the  press  to  us,  but  as  it  amuses  ? 

I  think,  said  another  rising,  that  the  gentleman  means 
to  be  ironical.  But  let  us  take  the  matter  seriously.  I 
am  on  the  same  side  with  him,  but  not  for  the  same 
reasons.  I  take  it,  that  scurrility  may  be  useful  to 
those  that  hear  it,  and  are  the  subjects  of  it.  It  may 
bring  to  a  man's  knowledge  and  serve  to  correct  foi- 
bles that  he  would  not  otherwise  have  been  conscious 
of,  or  amended.  Men  will  bear  from  the  buffoon  or 
the  jester,  things  they  would  not  take  from  a  friend, 
and  scarcely  from  a  confessor.  It  was  on  this  princi- 
ple that  in  the  middle  ages  of  Europe,  a  profession  of 
men  was  indulged,  in  the  houses  of  the  great,  called 
the  Joculators.  So  late  as  the  time  of  James  I.  we 
had  one  of  these  of  the  name  of  Archy.  The  Duke 
of  Buckingham  having  taken  offence  at  something 
that  he  said,  had  him  whipped.  It  was  thought  be- 
ncjith  a  man  of  honour  to  have  taken  notice  of  it  ; 
and  inflicted  punishment.  I  consider  the  bulk  of  ouf 
editors  as  succeeding  to  the  joculators  of  the  early  pe- 
riods ;  and  as  the  knights  of  character  and  dignity  of 
those  times  were  not  bound  to  notice  the  follies,  how- 
ever gross  of  jesters;  so  now  a  gentleman  is  not  bound 
to  notice  the  defamation  of  gazettes  ;  nay,  as  in  the 
former  instance,  it  was  deemed  uncourteous,  and  un- 
becoming to  resent  what  the  fool  said,  so  now  what  a 
printer  chuses  to  publish.  Selden  in  his  table  talk  re- 
marks, «*  That  a  gallant  -man,  is  above  ill  words. 
We  have  an  example  of  this  in  the  old  Lord  of  Sals- 
bury,  who  was  a  great  wise  man.  Stone  had  called 
some  Lord  about  the  Court  fool.  The  Lord  com- 
plains, and  has  Stone  whipped.  Stone  cries,  I  might 
have  called  my  Lord  of  Salsbury  often  enough,  fool 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  21 

[before  he  would  have  had  me  whipped."  As  in  the 
case  of  the  Merry  Andrew,  even  when  there  was  no 
witt  it  was  taken  for  wit  ;  so  now,  when  an  editor 
means  to  divert,  however  dull  his  abuse,  it  ought  to 

;    be  the  mode  to  laugh,  to  keep  those  who  know  no  bet- 

I    ter  in  countenance. 

'  The  captain  rlsin.i^  and  putting  himself  in  the  atti- 
tude of  speakini^,  seemed  to  claim  the  attention  of  the 
audience.  1  would  wish  to  know,  said  he,  how  the  an- 
cients managed  these  matters  :  in  the  republics  of 
Greece  and  Rome  especially.  For  since  I  have  been 
abroad,  and  heard  public  speeches,  I   find  that  it  is  no 

'    unusual  thing  to  draw   illustrations  from   the  sayings 

J^and  doings  of  antiquity.  In  deliberate  assemblies  talk- 
ing of  governments,  they  tell  you  of  the  Amphylrio- 
nic  Council ;  the  Achean  league,  the  Ionian  conftde- 

t    racy.     What  was  the  freedom  of  the  press  at  Athens, 

i    or  at  Rome  ? 

The  fact  is,  said  an  academician,  there  was  no  press 

•'  at  these  places,  or  in  these  times.  The  invention  of 
printing  is  of  later  date  But  they  had  what  they  c.iil- 
ed  the  style,  and  they  impressed  their  thoughts  upon 
wax.  Tiiey  made  use  of  ink  in  copying  upon  vellum 
and  parchment.  But  notwithstanding  the  want  of  a 
press,  they  were  not  without  satyric  salt  in  their  wri- 
tings. Nor  are  we  to  suppose  that  they  were  alto- 
gether  free    from  what   we    denominate    scurrility. 

_■  They  could  call  a  spade  a  spade.  Aristophanes  was 
a  blackguard.  His  Comedy  of  the  Clouds  is  a  suffici- 
ent specimen.  Lucilius.  amongst  tlie  Rom -.ns  was  a 
rough  man.  Cum  luiulentus  flueret.  &c.  Do  we  sup- 
pose that  nature  was  not  then  the  same  as  ii  is  now  ? 
On  board  the  Roman  gallics  was  th.ere  no  low  Imi- 
niour  ?  In  the  Roman  cam i>s  none  ?  In  the  Forum 
no  occasional  ribaldry  ?   Would  not  this  naturally  get 

I     up  into  higher  walks  ?   Would  it  not   creep  into  (  or- 

!    porations?  sometimes  in  verse  j  sonie times  in  prose. 


^  MODERN  CHIVALRr. 

The  poet  speaks  of  the  fesscenine  verse:*.  Amongst 
the  Romans  the  Saturnaiii,  or  duys  of  Saturn  became 
a  festival,  in  which  it  was  allowable  to  exercise  their 
facukies  in  all  intemperance  of  language. 

This  is  all  wide  of  the  question,  said  an  unlearned 
man,  holdinj^  his  hand  upon  his  nose  ;  it  is  shall  wt 
tolerate  the  pole-cat  in  this  villat^e  ? — For,  maugre 
all  the  pains  that  may  have  been  taken  to  restrain  the 
pett,  and  confine  it  by  a  matting,  I  feel  a  portion  of  the 
fetor  this  very  moment,  come  across  my  nose,  by  a 
puff  of  wind  from  that  quarter,  where  it  u.  I  move 
that  the  question  be  taken,  whether,  whatever  becomes 
of  the  press,  the  nuisance  of  this  beast,  be  suffered  in 
the  vicinity.  For  what  can  a  newspaper  do,  compar- 
ed with  this  ?  It  is  sent  us  and  we  read  the  publica- 
tion. But  this  is  involuntary,  on  our  part,  and  there 
is  no  saving  ourselves  from  the  exhalation. 

I  move  the  previous  question  said  a  friend  to  the 
baboon  ;   I  move  that  the  press  be  put  down. 

There  is  hardship  ,both  ways,  said  an  elderly  inha- 
bitant. In  a  community  different  interests  will  exist. 
Family  interests  ;  family  attachments  ;  party  concep- 
tions ;  and  party  interests.  To  have  a  printer  all  on 
one  side,  is  an  inequality.  What  if  we  prevail  upon 
the  owner,  or  as  he  would  call  himself  the  publisher 
of  the  pole-cat,  to  give  up  or  sell  out  his  establish- 
ment, dismiss  the  wild  beast,  or  return  it  to  the  moun- 
tains, and  institute-in  its  place,  a  counter  press  of  types 
and  black-ball  that  may  be  a  match  for  Porcupine. 

The  Captain,  rising  hastily  ;  a  thing  unusual  with 
him  ;  for  he  was  naturally  grave  and  sedate  ;  but  sud- 
denly feeling  the  impulse  of  the  congruity,  he  started 
from  his  seat,  and  seconded  the  proposition  of  another 
press  ;  for  said  he,  the  very  kind  of  editor  qualified 
for  such  a  press,  is  at  hand  ;  a  waiter  of  mine.  A 
bog-trotter,  taken,  not  on  the  Balagate,  but,  on  the 
Irish  mountains:  an  aboriginal  of  the  island;  not  your 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  23 

Scotch-Irish,  so  called,  a  colony  planlecl  in  Ulster,  by 
king  James  the  first  of  England,  when  he  subdued 
the  natives  ;  but  a  real  Paddy,  with  the  brogue  on  his 
tongue,  and  none  on  his  feet ;  brought  up  to  sheep- 
stealing  from  his  youth  ;  for  his  ancestors  inhabiting 
the  hills,  were  a  kind  of  freebooters,  time  immemo- 
rial, coming  down  to  the  low  grounds,  and  plundering 
the  more  industrious  inhabitants.  Captured  by  traps 
set  upon  the  hills,  or  surrounded  in  the  bogs,  attempt- 
ing his  escape,  he  had  been  tamed  and  employed, 
many  years,  digging  turf,  before  he  came  to  my 
hands.  I  bought  him  from  an  Irish  vessel,  just  as  a 
curiosity,  not  that  I  expected  much  service  from  him  ; 
but  to  see  what  could  be  matle  of  a  rude  man  by  care 
and  patience.  The  rogue  has  a  low  humour,  and  a 
sharp  tongue  ;  unbounded  impudence.  And  what 
may  be  a  restraint  upon  the  licentiousness  of  his  press., 
should  he  set  up  one,  he  is  a  most  abominable  coward; 
the  idea  of  cudgeling  will  keep  him  in  bounds ; 
should  he  over-match  Porcupine,  and  turn  upon  his 
employers.  He  has  all  the  low  phrases,  cant  expres- 
sions, illiberal  reflections,  that  could  be  collected  from 
the  company  he  has  kept  since  he  has  had  the  care  of 
my  horse,  and  run  after  my  heels  in  town  and  country 
for  several  years  past.  What  is  more,  he  has  been  in 
France,  and  has  a  spice  of  the  language,  and  a  tang  of 
Jacobinism  in  his  principles,  and  conversraion,  that 
"will  match  the  contrary  learning  carried  to  an  exor- 
bitant excess  in  Porcupine.  I  do  not  know  ihat  you 
can  do  better  than  contribute  to  a  paper  of  his  setting- 
up.  He  may  call  it  the  Mully-Grub,  or  give  it  some 
such  title  as  will  Ix speak  the  nature,  of  the  matter 
it  will  usually  contain. 

The  academician  at  this  came  forward.  I  am  far, 
^aid  he,  trom  a  disposition  to  spoil  sport ;  but  when 
the  useful  is  mixed  with  the  jest,  I  coiuit  every  point 
:.|;ained» 


^4  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Omne  tulit  punctum — 

I  never  had  intehded  more,  said  the  pole-cat  man, 
thanio  reach  the  sensatioiii  ot  the  niullitude,  and  bring 
them  to  their  senses.  It  is  only  by  an  appeal  lo  the 
sense  of  feeling  that  the  rviind  sometimes  can  be 
awakened.  The  public  have  now  some  idea  that  the 
licentiousness  of  the  press,  is  not  niore  a  nuisance  in 
the  moral,  than  offensive  smells  are  in  the  physical 
world.  I  will  agree  that  the  cat  be  removed,  and  as  h 
substitute,  shall  subscribe  to  the  Muily-Grub. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  III. 


¥■ 


THE  day  after  the  town  meeting,  the  Capt?in 
l>c?an  to  reflect,  that  he  could  not  avoid  being  implica- 
ted in  the  character  of  the  paper  about  to  be  establish- 
ed.    O'Regan  was  known  to  be  his  servant  ;  at  least 
!to  be  under  his  influence,  and  he  v/ould  be  consider- 
ed the  real  editor;  Teague  the  ostensible,  and  though 
j   the  fact  was  known  at  home,  that  he  had  nothing  to 
\  do  with  it,  yet  abroad,  it  would  bear  a  different  con- 
i  struction,  and  refutation  would  be  difficult.     Having 
l^   supported  the  character  of  a  gentleman,  and  being 
i  ^till  willing  to  support  that  character,  how  could  he 
^!  endure  to  Jiave  the  volumes  of  scurrility,  that  would 
|C  appear,  imputed  to  him  ;  or  supposed  to  be  admitted 
■-  with  his  approbation.     Uneasy  with  this   upon    his 
I  mind,  he  could  see  no  way  to  ^et  out  of  tl^e  labyrinth 
*  in  which   he  had  involved   himself,  by  inadvertently 
proposing  Teague.     He  thought  it  however  his  duty, 
to  disclose  to  the  bog-trotter,  the  office  to  which  he 
was  destined.     Maintaining  good  faith,  he  was  un- 
willing to  make  use  of  his  infliience  to  dissuade  from 
the  undertaking  ;    or  to  deter  by   representing  the 
danger  that  existed,  and  the  consequt- nces  that  might 
nsue.     This  he  could  easily  have  done,  by  suggest- 
■   the  guillotine,  or  even  a  cudgeling,    the  more 

VAKT  II.  VOL.  I.  C 


2G  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

common  mode  of  punishment,  in  this  republiCv     But 
good  taith  forbade. 

Rut  what  was  the  amazement  of  every  one,  when 
news  was  brouj^ht,  that  Porcupine,  tiad  decamped  in 
the  mean  time.  Wheliier  it  was  that  the  talents  of 
Teague  had  been  magnified,  and  he  did  not  choose 
to  engage  in  competition  with  one  so  much  his  supe- 
rior, lest  he  should  lo%e  by  comparison,  the  reputa- 
tion he  had  acquired ;  or  what  is  more  likely,  the 
constables  were  after  him  for  debt,  his  press  and 
types  having  been  seized  the  day  before,  and  sold  for 
rent,  and  new  demands,  of  a  smaller  nature  coming 
against  him,  fines  and  penalties  also  hanging  over 
him  for  libels  ;  and  damages  recoverable  in  actions 
of  defamation  ;  but  so  it  was,  that  he  had  disappear- 
ed. 

The  Captain  was  relieved  from  the  embarrassment 
which  he  had  endeavoured  to  conceal,  because  he 
now  saw  a  way  open  to  set  aside  the  idea  of  a  pressj 
Avhich  he  had  reason  to  apprehend  his  bog-trotter 
■would  not  be  competent  to  conduct  with  reputation. 

Townsmen,  and  fellow-citizens,  said  he,  seizing 
an  opportunity  to  speak,  the  reason  has  ceased  upon 
which  we  had  proposed  to  act :  the  setting  up 
the  bog-trotter  in  the  capacity  of  an  editor  as  a 
match  for  Porcupine,  for  he  has  disappeared  ; 
and  what  need  we  buff  at  the  bear  when  there; 
is  no  bear  to  buff  at.  Unless  indeed  We  could  set 
him  up,  expectinii;  from  him  a  chaste  and  pure  puper 
containing  solid  information,  and  strictures  usehil  to 
tiie  republic  But  tiiat  from  his  education  and  man-, 
ners,  we  have  no  reason  to  expect;  It  is  true,  if  he' 
had  sense  to  collect  the  ideas,  and, give  them  expres- 
sion, he  has  had  oppartuniiies  to  observe  what  if 
known  aiid  digested,  might  essentially  serve  to  pre-l 
serve  from  extremes  in  a  free  government.     He  has 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  27 

seen  the  folly  of  the  people  of  France,  if,  those  occa- 
ionally  thrown  into  the  representative  assemblies, 
could  be  called  the  people.  He  has  seen  the  folly  of 
these  in  reducing  ull  things  to  the  firs',  elements  in- 
stead of  acconiinodatinp^  to  existini^  establishments  ; 
of  deracinating  from  tlie  foundation  cliurch  and  state, 
and  bandying  the  term  liberty  until  ignorance  and 
usurpation  terminated  in  despotism.  For  though  at 
the  commencement  ol  a  revolution,  active  and  unin- 
formed spirits,  are  useful,  or  perhaps  absolutely  ne- 
cessary, like  the  subterranean  fire  throwing  up  conti- 
nents ;  yet  as  in  this  case,  the  fostering  dews,  and  the 
breath  of  the  atmosphere,  are  necessary  to  give  soil 
and  impregnate  with  vegetation  ;  so  after  the  stirrings 
#  of  mens  minds,  with  a  political  convulsion,  deliberate 
reason,  and  prudent  temperament  are  necessary,  to 
preserve  v.'hat  is  gained,  and  turn  it  to  advantage. 
But  this  sans  culotte,  for  so  he  was  called  in  France  ; 
and  well  he  might;  for  he  was  -v^ithout  feniorals 
\vhen  he  went  away,  and  when  he  came  back  ;  this 
sans  culotte  is  not  a  Mirabeau.  He  has  kept  no 
journal  :  he  has  made  no  observations  except  of 
mens  heads  chopped  off  by  the  guillotine.  He  has 
brought  back  little  with  him,  but  ce  que  dit  ;  que  ce 
vous  la  ;  dcnnez  moi,  and  such  like.  I  think  we  are 
weU  oft  with  him  and  let  him  go  to  his  vocation. 


n-  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


OBSEHVATIONS. 

Tf  IE  preceding  chapters  were  written  some 
years  ago,  while  an  editor  of  the  name  of  Cobbet, 
published  a  paper  under  the  title  of  "  Porcupine." 
But  tlie  breaking  up  of  that  paper  in  a  manner  simi- 
lar to  that  just  stated,  prevented  the  going  on  with 
the  allegory,  or  the  handing  to  the  public  by  the  way 
of  the  press,  in  some  shape  the  pamphlet  begun. 
Some  time  since,  the  appearance  of  a  certain  Cullen- 
der, in  a  paper  under  the  title  of  the  Recorder,  had 
induced  me  to  look  at  what  1  had  intended  for  Porcu- 
pine, and  to  think  of  continuing  it  to  some  point 
and  winding  up  of  the  story  ;  but  the  man  drowning 
himself,  or  being  drowTied  by  accident,  stopped  me 
in  my  intention,  as  it  would  be  like  throwing  water 
on  a  dead,  or  as  the  proverb  is,  a  drowned  rat,  to  say 
any  thing  that  had  a  relation  to  him. 

But  having  a  little  Itisure  on  my  hands,  and  in 
warm  weather,  liking  light  work,  I  amused  myself 
with  saying  some  things  that  were  on  my  mind  on 
other  subjects,  and  I  thought  I  would  make  this  which 
I  had  already  v/ritten,  the  introduction.  For  the  fact 
is,  that  I  mean  this  tale  of  a  Captain  travelling,  but 
as  a  vehicle  to  my  way  of  thinking  on  some  subjects; 
just  as  the  ancients  introduced  speakers  in  a  dialogue, 
occasionally  at  banquets  ;  or  as  the  philosophers  in 
their  walks  and  conversations,  moralized  in  parables, 
and  feigned  cases,  a  way  of  reasoning,  and  address- 


MoDERISf  CHIVALRV.  ^y 

less  offending  the  self-love  of  men  than  what  has  the 
appearance  of  immediate  and  direct  instruction.  Nor, 
will  the  publication  of  the  foregoing  hints  on  the  illibe' 
ralicij  of  the  press,  be  thought,  even  now  altogether 
useless  ;  for  though  since  the  death,  or  departure,  of 
the  two  monsters  just  named,  there  has  been  an  ebb 
of  this  flood  of  scurrility,  yet  dropping  the  figure,  the 
American  press,  has  not  been  wholly  free  from  the 
stains  of  the  like  paragraphs.  The  application  therefore 
may  not  be  wholly  without  an  object,  and,  in  the  paint- 
ing there  may  be  seen  some  exi^t-ting  resemliiances. 
For  though,  as  the  almanac-makers,  say  ''  it  is  calcu- 
lated for  a  particular  meridian,  yet  it  may  without  sen- 
sible variation,  serve  other  laiitud^^s.'*  No  man  can 
have  a  higher  opinion  of  the  dignity  of  station  occu- 
pied by  the  editor  of  a  p^per  under  a  free  government, 
than  I  have  I  think  it  one  of  the  most  honourable,  as 
Well  as  the  most  useful  in  society.  I  am  unwilling 
therefore  that  it  be  degraded,  and  1  am  happy  to  ob- 
serve that  the  example  of  the  two  monsters  mention- 
ed, has  had  the  effect  to  disgust  the  public^ 

I  take  the  pulpit,  the  courts  of  judicature,  and  the 
press,  to  be  the  three  erreat  means  of  sustaining  and 
enlightening  a  republic.  The  Scripture  is  replete 
■vvilh  the  finest  sayings  of  morality.  With  a  scholar 
of  the  Latin  and  the  Greek  school,  it  is  delightful  to 
quote  in  conversation,  or  writin.y;,  the  classical  sen- 
tences of  antiquity,  aptly  applying  them  to  the  occa- 
sion :  enricliing  the  discourse  with  apposite  thouglits  ; 
pleasing  the  hearer,  or  the  reader,  and  doing  crcclii  to 
the  person  himself ;  drawing  out  from  his  treasury, 
thnigs  new  and  old.  But  these  writings  of  ai>.  oi  iei.tal 
cast,  contain  pithy  observations  up^.n  '.iic-  and  manners, 
than  which  there  can  be  nothhig  more  dcfligiiiiul  to 
remember  and  quote,  and  more  profitable  to  carry  in- 
to^  practice.  Reading  the  vScriptures  by  young  peo- 
c  3 


io  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

p!e  ;  hearing  them  explained  and  introduced  by  quo- 
tation, sermon  and  lectures  from  the  pulpit,  raises  the 
affections  to  virtue,  and  helps  tne  judgment  in  the  con- 
duct of  life. 

The  courts  of  judicature,  are  a  school  of  justice, 
and  honour.  A  great  i; round  of  the  law,  are  tiie  prin- 
ciples of  univeisa' justice.  The  discussion  of  coun- 
cil ;  the  verdicts  of  juries,  the  decision  of  the  courts, 
have  respect  (o  the  great  principles  of  moral  honesty.^ 
But  the  sphere  is  confined,  compared  with  that  of 
the  press,  which  has  an  extensive  range  ;  and  for  this 
reason  ought  to  preserve  the  greater  delicacy  in  lan- 
guage and  sentiment.  Even  the  war  of  the  sword 
has  its  laws  —It  is  not  allowable  to  poison  springs,  or 
the  means  of  life.  In  a  paper  war  nothing  is  justifia- 
ble that  does  not  tend  to  establish  a  position,  or  deter- 
mine a  controversy  ;  that  which  outrages  humanity, 
is  the  cruelty  of  a  savage  who  puts  to  death  with  tor- 
ture, or  disfigures,  to  gratify  revenge. 

To  know  what  may  be  said  in  a  paper,  or  in  what 
manner  it  may  be  said,  the  editor  whom  the  public  a- 
lone  knows,  need  only  consider  what  would  become  a 
gentleman  to  say,  in  promiscuous  society.  Whether 
conversing  in  the  manner  he  writes,  or  in  which,  what 
is  inserted,  is  written,  he  would  be  heard  with  respect, 
and  treated  with  civility.  Good  breeding  is  as  neces- 
sary in  print  as  in  conversation.  The  want  of  it  e- 
qu ally  entitles  to  the  appellation  of  an  ill-bred-man. 
The  press  can  have  nj  more  licence  than  the  tong\ie. 
At  the  tribunal  of  common  senses  it  has  less,  because 
an  expression  might  escape  a  man,  which  might  re- 
ceive pardon,  or  excuse,  as  the  offspring  of  inudver- 
tence  ;  but  writing  is  deliberate,  and  you  may  turn 
buck  and  strike  out  the  allusion,  or  correct  the  term. 

National  character  is  hiierested  in  the  delicacy  of 
the  press.  U  is  a  disgrace  to  a  people  to  have  amongst 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  '^      It 

ihem  volumes  of  scurrility  circulated  through  their 
post-offices,  with  a  peculiar  privilege  of  centage, 
placed  upon  the  benches  in  our  public  houses,  or  sent 
home  to  our  private  dwellings. 

Is  this  the  occupation  to  which  it  ought  to  be  an 
honour  to  belong  ,  to  which  a  father  would  wish  to 
put  a  son,  having  educated  him  with  the  best  advan- 
tages, and  giving  hira,  as  htj  had  thought,  a  duty  as 
sacred  as  the  priesthood,  and  with  a  more  exclusive 
sphere  of  action  than  the  barririter  ;  having  it  in  high 
commission  by  the  constitution  of  his  country,  "  to 
canvass  the  conduct  of  men  in  public  offices,"  and 
inform, the  public,  "  where  the  matter  is  proper  for 
public  information." 

It  does  not  follow,  that  because  a  man  takes  a  pa- 
per, that  he  approves  of  all  that  is  in  it.  It  is  cer- 
tainly censurable  to  continue  our  subscription  to  a 
paper,  the  prevaihng  tenor  of  which  is  defamatory  of 
individuals  ;  but  were  we  to  reject  a  paper  because 
it  is  occasionally  so,  there  are  few  papers  that  we 
should  take  at  all.  The  American  press,  has  been 
abominably  gross,  and  defamatory,  and  there  are  few 
publications  of  this  nature,  that  have  been  at  all  times 
unexceptionable.  A  man  will  be  astonished  some- 
times to  hear  of  himself,  or  of  others,  what  has  not 
the  slightest  foundation,  but  in  the  invention  of  the 
paragraphist.  There  may  be  some  prototype,  filmy 
origin  to  the  unsubstantial  fabric ;  perhaps  not  even 
a  vapour,  but  in  the  breath  of  the  defamer.  Is  the 
assassin  odious,  and  not  the  author  of  anonymous 
abuse  ?  Yet  such  is  the  error  of  opinion  with  some, 
that  they  think  it  not  dishonourable  to  attack  anony- 
mously. It  is  cowardice  in  a  free  country,  where 
the  law  is  equal ;  where  no  C^ssar  exists  to  makt  it 
necessary  to  conceal  the  author  of  the  pasquinade, 
A  brave  man  will  scorn  subterfuge,  and  shade.  Ad 
honest  man  will  avow  himself  and  his  opinions. 


^2  MODERN  CHIVALRY^ 


CH  \PTER  IV*. 


NOTWITHSTANDING  the  Captain  thought 
he  had  got  quil  of  Tcai^iie,  in  the  matter  of  the  press, 
he  had  siill  aonie  trouble.  For  the  bog-trotter  w^s 
dissaiisfied.  He  had  an  hankering  after  tiie  editor- 
sliip.  and  talked  of  tik'ng  up  subscriptions.  To  put 
him  off,  the  Captain  su,^gested  the  publishing  his 
travels  Teague,  aoki  he,  if  many  a  man  had  what 
you  have  in  your  power,  he  would  make  a  fortune  by 
it.  You  have  been  in  the  Conciergerie.  I  hat  of  it- 
self, might  make  a  chapter  that  would  fill  a  volume. 
If  you  take  up  subscriptions,  why  not  for  such  a  work 
as  that  ?  It  will  bcll  for  a  ready  penny  these  limes  ;  I 
would  advise  you  to  go  about  it. 

Och,  on  my  slioul,  said  Teague,  but  it  would  make 
a  book  as  big  as  tlie  pi  lists'  bible,  if  I  was  to  tell  all 
dat  I  saw  on  toder  side  de  great  water.  In  dat  great 
country,  old  France  ;  where  de  paple  talk  all  at  once 
wid  de  brogue  on  deir  tongues,  and  say  nothing.  De 
devil  burn  me,  but  deir  f^jutres,  and  parbleus,  would 
make  a  book,  as  big  cis  a  church  staple. 

Well  done  Teague,  said  the  Captain  ;  you  must 
then  set  about  it.  The  first  tling  it  will  behoove  you 
to  consider,  is  the  manner  m  which  it  will  be  written; 
Whetiier  your  narration  shall  be  in  the  first  [./erson,  as, 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  33 

«  I  did  this,"  and  "  I  said  that ;"  op  whether  in  the 
third  person,  as  it  were  one  speaking  of  you,  as, 
*'  O'Regan  having  done  so,  and  made  an  ohservalion 
to  this  effect."  And  whether  it  shall  be  in  the  way 
of  continued  narrative,  with  chapters,  or  in  the  shape 
of  a  journal,  or  be  cast  in  the  way  of  letter.  For  all 
these  modes  of  writing  are  used  as  best  suits  the  tra- 
veller ;  or  may  be  thought  most  pleasing  to  the  read- 
er. One  advantage  you  will  have,  that  you  need  not 
stick  pertinaciously  to  the  truth  ;  for  travellers  have 
a  licence  to  deviate  ;  and  they  are  not  considered  as 
on  oath,  or  upon  honour  in  giving  their  accounts  ; 
embellishment  is  allowable.  Some  illumination  of 
the  narrative:  though,  confining  yourself  to  the  truth 
strictly,  I  make  no  doubt,  your  story  will  be  suffici- 
ently extravagant,  and  of  course,  border  on  the  mar- 
vellous. 

The  fact  was,  that  the  bog-trotter  had  incidents 
sufficient  to  enliven  his  history.  He  had  been  in  the 
suit  of  Anachaisis  C loots,  and  personated  an  Esqui- 
maux Indian ;  he  had  been  talten  up  in  a  balloon 
some  distance  from  the  earth,  and  let  down  by  a  pa- 
rachute, instead  of  a  sheep.  It  is  true,  this  was  not 
with  his  own  consent,  but  by  force  ;  the  Parisians 
thinking  it  of  little  account  whether  the  experiment 
was  made  with  him  or  a  less  valuable  animal.  It  is 
true,  to  make  amends  for  this,  a  royalist  lady  fell  in 
love  with  him,  thinking  he  had  a  resemblance  to  the 
young  Duke  of  Orleans.  He  had  made  a  fortunate 
escape  in  the  conciergerie.  A  prisoner  in  the  next 
cell.  No.  1,  finding  the  letter  G,  put  upon  his  door, 
which  stands  for  guillotine  ;  exchanged  for  a  few 
louis's  with  0'Reg:an,  No.  2  — But  an  order  came  to 
reprieve  No.  1,  and  to  take  No.  2,  meaning  the  bog- 
trotter.  The  consequence  was,  that  the  Frenchman 
was  put  into  the  cart,  and  our  sans  culotte  escaped. 


34  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

It  wotild  make  a  book,  to  exhaust  these  particulars, 
and  rmny  more  that  occurred.  The  Captain  havini^ 
recommended  the  work,  was  concerned  to  have  it 
accomplislied  with  some  credit  to  those  concerned, 
and  therefore  thouj^ht  it  advisable  to  give  the  author 
some  hints  before  he  entered  on  the  task. 

Teague,  said  he,  the  first  thins^  to  be  thought  of.  is 
a  place  to  write.  The  extremes  are  two,  the  cellar  and 
the  garret  The  cellar  was  chosen  by  an  orator  of 
Greece,  to  write  his  orations,  or  at  least  to  prepare 
for  tile  writing  them  ;  for  in  this,  he  is  said  to  have 
copied  over  eight  times  the  history  of  Thucidydes. 
Whether  it  is  the  darkness,  or  the  solitude  of  the  ca- 
vern, that  is  congenial  to  the  talent  of  v/riting,  may  be 
a  question.  I  should  think,  however,  that  the  serial 
mansion  of  a  garret  is  most  favourable  to  the  lighter 
species  of  '.vrieing,  such  as  madrigals  ;  or  paragraphs 
in  magazines,  or  novels.  But  as  yours  is  a  serious 
work,  it  may  be  above  the  subterranean,  and  below  the 
firmament.  Perhaps  a  middle  story  may  suffice.  It 
will  depend,  however,  c-n  your  head.  If  you  find 
yourself  light,  go  down  ;  if  heavy,  mount ;  and  thus 
adjust  your  apartment  to  your  feelings.  The  wasps 
chuse  the  garret  ;  but  the  spider  is  found  in  the  cel- 
lar ;  and  his  weaving  is  an  emblem  of  the  composi- 
tion of  an  author. 

As  to  stile,  just  v/rite  as  you  would  speak,  and  give 
your  account  with  simplicity,  without  affectation  ; 
understanding  your  subject  well,  and  using  no  more 
words,  than  is  necessary  to  express  your  meaning. 

As  to  paper,  whether  common  or  woven  ;  or  as  to 
type,  whether  single  or  double  pica  ;  these  are  terms 
I  do  not  understand.  I  see  thtm  in  the  advertise- 
ments, and  that  is  all  I  know  about  them  Whether 
duodecimo,  octavo,  or  folio,  will  depend  upon  tlit 
bulk  of  what  is  to  be  printed. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  V. 


THE  Captain  had  now  been  more  than  a 
month  at  home,  niakini^  enquiry  into  the  history  of 
the  vllldge  ;  what  changes  in  the  domestic  aifairs  of 
his  neighbours  ;  what  good  or  bad  fortune  had  hjip- 
pened  to  individuals,  at  the  same  time  walking 
through  the  town,  and  observing^  the  improvements 
or  dilapidiiiions  in  the  buildins^s  or  streets  It  was 
obvious  that  little  attention  had  been  puid,  for  some 
time,  lo  public  works ;  the  pavements  were  neE^lect- 
ed,  and  the  ways  and  water-courses  suffered  to  fill  up. 
An  aqueduct  bet^un,  to  bring  a  sprini>;  from  the  hill, 
was  left  unfinished. 

What  can  be  the  reason  of  all  this,  said  he,  to  the 
citizens  ? 

It  was  answered,  that  the  chief  and  assistant  bur- 
gesses had  been  extravagant  ;  that  the  works,  which, 
by  the  charier  of  incorporation  they  had  a  power  to 
project,  were  extensive,  and  the  consequent  taxes 
\vhich  ihey  had  a  lij^ht  to  impose,  and  wl.ich  became 
necessary,  were  thought  oppressi.e.  The  people  had 
left  out  these  officers  at  the  annual  tlection,  and 
chosen  new.  Thut  these  wishing  to  preserve  popu- 
larity, had  let  all  matters  rest,  and  had  neither  madfi 
improvements,  nor  raised  taxes* 


36  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

And  win  this  please  always.  They  have  turned 
out  one  set  for  doing  too  much  ;  and  they  will  turn 
out  the  other  next  for  doing  nothing. 

But  why  not  hit  a  medium,  said  the  Captain  ? 

A  difficulty  occurs,  continued  the  speaker.  In  the 
works  projected,  the  people  insist  that  no  man  shall 
be  consulted  in  his  own  occupation.  The  mason  shall 
make  out  the  bills  of  scantling  ;  and  the  carpenter 
determine  the  arches  of  a  stone  bridge. 

That  is,  said  the  Captain,  as  in  a  city  that  I  passed 
through  in  my  travels.  The  physicians  claimed  a 
right  to  judge  of  laws,  and  the  lawyers  of  physic. 
Reversing  the  maxim,  that  every  man  is  to  be  trust- 
ed in  his  own  profession. 

This  is  republicanism  run  mad.  The  sovereign 
people  would  do  well  to  imitate  other  sovereigns,  at 
least  in  this ;  that  they  trust  even  foreigners  in  the 
arts,  and  not  by  an  unreasonable  jealousy,  loose  the 
advantage  ^qf  judgment,  which  it  is  not  in  the  nature 
of  things,  that  they  themselves  can  possess. 

Political  divisions  will  always  exist.  It  is  insepa- 
rable from  the  nature  of  a  community.  And  it  is 
not  ,in  the  nature  of  things  that  the  power  can  be  long 
on  one  side.  The  duration  depends  ujion  the  judgment 
of  using  it.  The  people  will  revolt  from  themselves 
when  they  find  they  have  done  wrong,  and  that  side 
which  was  now  the  weakest  will  become  the  strong- 
est. 


Accounts  were  received,  and  Teague  himself  occa* 
sionally  announced  that  he  had  succeeded  in  taking 
up  subscriptions  for  his  commentaries.  But  it  had 
never  occurred  to  any  one  that  the  bog-trotter  could 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  ^r 

^  ^lelther  read  nor  write.     But  .  the  difficulty  now  pre- 
*   senting  itself,   a  school-master  offered  his  services  to 

I*   be  his  amanuensis. 
Buc  amongst  the  advertisements  on  the  tavern  and 
•  shop  doors,  the  Captain  observing  one  day  a  notice  of 
the  want  of  a  suitable  person  in  the  academy  lo  instruct 
;.  in  the  French  language,  he  was  led  to  reflect,  that  af- 
i  ter  dictating  his  publication,  Teogue  would  be  out  of 
;    employment,  and  that  a  vacancy  of   this  kind  might 
'    tally  with  his  faculties,  having  been  in  France,  the  very 
country  where  the  language  was  vernacularly  spoken  ; 
that  his  attainments  must  be  much  superior  to  those 
who  had  acquired  the  'oi  :;ue   only  from  dead  books, 
^ .  the  ear  not  accustomed  to  the  sounds  of  familiar  con- 
versation. 

Losing  no  time  he  waited  on  the  Principal  of  the 
-  Academy,  and  gave  him  an  account  of  the  pedeseque, 
■and  of  his  pretensions. 

The  Principal  was  astonished  ;  but  concealed  his 
•surprize.  He  could  easily  comprehend  the  incompe- 
I  tency  of  this  man  to  teach  the  language  in  a  school 
of  learning,  where  it  is  expected  to  be  taught  gram- 
matically ;  and  the  absurdity  of  taking  his  lingo,  for 
French,  if  he  had  the  brogue  in  that  pronunciation 
as  he  had  in  English.  But  it  might  not  be  so  easy  a 
miatter  to  convince  the  Captain  ot  this  who  appeared 
to  have  an  undue  opinion  of  his  acquirements.  Ne- 
vertheless he  endeavoured  to  make  himself  intelligi- 
ble on  this  subject,  by  observing  that  there  was  a 
■wide  difference  between  a  public  professor  in  a  col- 
lege, and  a  private  tutor  who  attends  pupils  occasion- 
ally ;  that  in  a  seminary  of  learning  the  rudiments  of 
a  language  were  Usually  tauglit  by  rules  ;  and  it  was 
an  object  to  understand  the  p^irts  of  speech  into  whicli 
the  tongue  was  divided  ;  the  use  of  tlie  articles,  if 
there  were  any  ;  the  inSexigiis  of  the  cases,  the  y^vU 

PART  II.  VOL,  I.  9- 


3S  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ations  of  the  genders,  the  conjugations  of  the  verbs; 
the  concords  of  syntax  ;  and  after  all  this  the  idiom, 
or  peculiar  phrases,  and  structure  of  the  sentence  : 
that  from  what  the  Captahi  liad  informed  him,  and 
^vhat  he  himstlf  had  gleaned  from  others,  of  the  cha» 
racterislics  of  this  subordinate,  the  actademy  was  not 
liis  province,  but  the  village.  He  might  employ  his 
tak-nts  to  advanlao^e,  instructing  young  gentlemen 
£.nd  ladies  in  the  knov/Iedge  of  the  r'rench  tongue,  at 
tUeir  own  houses ;  wiih  a  grammar,  and  without  a 
dicUonary  ;  or  without  a  grammar  ;  and  with  the 
voice  and  Miction  only.  For  in  fact  it  was  of  little 
consequence  how  lUey  were  taught ;  for  they  would 
k-arn  nothing  :  and  barbers  ^*id  tumblers  that  had 
come  in  and  undertaken  to  instriict;  had  done  as  well 
as  wiser  masters  ;  for  they  had  amused  their  pupils  ; 
and  amusement  was  all  that  pupils  would  be  willing 
to  receive.  Enough  if  iliey  can  get  a  word  or  two  that 
sounds  like  French,  to  throw  out  to  a  lady  in  a  dance; 
as  parlez  vous  mudame  ;  or  s'l  vous  plais. 

It  may  be  a  digression,  said  the  Captain  ;  but  it  is 
a  profitable  lesson.  Do  you  conceive  that  the  Ame* 
rican  youtli  are  too  hastily  manufactured,  and  come 
forward  too  soon  irito  life. 

Unquestionably,  said  the  Vvitu  ipal.  Education  here 
is  unnaturally  liastened.  Our  minority  is  too  short 
to  make  a  great  man.  We  "  oversttp  the  modesty 
of  nature,"  and  suffer  our  young  men  to  come  forward 
into  councils  that  require  tbe  heads  of  age.  Hence 
our  juvenile  speeches  in  debates.  Hence  the  wild 
fjre  in  our  councils.  The  young  gentlemen  of  the 
villaoe  are  above  learning;  as  soon  as  they  have  got  on 
a  pair  of  pantaloons,  and  lialf  boots.  They  are  out 
of  their  education,  and  mm  bfforc  their  time.  We 
had  an  election  the  other  day  ;  for  a  chief  burgess. 
It  was  a  matter  of  aslcrdshmer.t  to  those  of  the  old 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  30 

school,  to  see  a  youth  come  forward,  born  after  lii^ 
competitor  had  been  ranked  with  the  saj^cs  of  the  vil- 
lage, and  claim  the  suffrages  of  the  ciiizcns.  It  liud 
an  unfavourable  effect  upon  the  very  dumb  creation. 
It  was  not  enough  that  the  lads  under  age,  began  to 
raise  their  voices,  and  vociferate  ;  but  it  seemed  that 
the  young  of  animals  had  gained  upon  their  growth, 
and  were  old  before  they  had  attained  maturity.  The 
young  dogs  barked  more  ;  whether  it  was  from  an 
impression  of  the  atmosphere  ;  or  an  imitation  of  the 
sounds  of  men. 


^  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


TO  give  the  bog-trotter  time  to  write  his  his- 
tory, the  Captain  turned  his  attention  for  a  while  to 
other  objects.  There  was  en  old  lawyer^  in  the  vil- 
lage that  had  left  off  practice,  and  accoi-npanied  by  a 
blind  fidler,  gave  lectures  occasionally,  at  what  he 
called  his  inns  of  court,  on  the  practice  of  the  law,  of 
v/hich  he  pretended  to  have  had  great  experience ; 
^and  in  fact  he  had  been  a  long  time  at  the  bar ;  and 
from  age  was  now  unfit  for  the  circuit,  especially  be- 
ing blind,  and  unless  in  a  carriage,  which  the  roads 
did  not  well  admit,  could  not  conveniently  go  abroad ; 
and  the  small  practice  of  the  village,  scarcely  sufficed 
for  the  occupation  of  his  time,  or  the  means  of  his 
support.  The  want  of  sight  rendered  him  incapable 
of  conveyancing,  and  all  he  could  do  was  to  give 
council,  or  argue  a  cause  by  which  he  made  a  penny ; 
but  to  fill  up  his  time,  and  put  his  learniiig  to  ac- 
count, he  had  set  on  foot  lectures  for  young  students, 
and  amused  himself  at  intervals  with  a  tune  on  ihe 
violin  which  the  fidler  played,  and  for  which  the  by 
standers  threw  in  a  five-penny  bit  of  silver,  such  of 
them  as  did  not  attend  to  the  law  lecture,  or  could 
derive  any  benefit  from  it.  Thus,  clubbing  their  ta- 
lents, and  joining^  in  amusement,  and  in  business  as 


Modern  cmvAtRY.  At 

joined  in  the  loss  of  vision,  they  made  a  living;  •  thd 
scraper  receiving  liis  six  cents  and  a  half  for  Lis  tune 
on  the  in?tnunent,  and  the  lawyer  the  same  money 
for  his  breath  on  the  abstract  subject  of  the  study  and 
practice  of  the  law. 

It  may  be  asked  how  it  came  to  pass,  that  he  could 
lay  down  the  principles  of  a  successful  practice  in  a 
profession,  and  at  tiie  same  time  not  to  ha\e  become 
enriched  by  it  himself,  so  as  to  be  above  the  necessity 
in  his  old  age,  of  makin.^  money,  by  the  best  means 
in  his  power  to  procure  his  support,  the  profession 
being;  lucrative  itself,  especially  where  any  one  ex- 
cels in  the  knowledge  of  it,  and  is  ordinarily  indus- 
trious in  the  pursuit.  But  the  answer  is  easy  ;  that 
the  making  money  and  keeping  it  are  two  distinct 
things  :  for  so  it  was,  that  this  lawyer  now  blind,  had 
let  a  great  deal  of  business  go  through  his  hands, 
•without  making  much  by  it ;  from  a  want  of  skill  to 
make  money  stick.  He  thought  always  more  of  gain- 
ing the  suit  and  the  praise  of  managing  it  well,  than 
of  the  fee.  Hence  it  was  that  he  had  credit  as  a  plead" 
er,  but  not  as  the  maker  of  a  great  estate. 

It  is  doubtless  a  general  t^ale  that  the  way  to  be  rich 
is  to  excel  in  your  profession,  and  whoever  excels 
may  in  general  be  rich,  and  it  is  a  folly  not  to  make 
this  use  of  it.  But  we  see  that  with  all  the  lovers  of 
the  arts,  painting,  music,  statuary,  eloquence,  there 
is  a  neglect  of  ricl>es,  the  mind  carried  off'  from  the 
love  of  money,  and  placed  upon  the  art  itself  The 
main  chance  is  ovei  looked  ;  and  it  is  only  late  in  life 
that  the  folly  is  discovered  by  the  person  himself, 
though  others  had  beeii  remarking  it  all  l-.is  life  long. 
But  though  not  profitable  to  tlie  professor,  to  culti- 
vate an  art  for  its  own  sake,  yet  it  is  useful  and  pleas- 
ing to  the  world  ;  and  Quintilian  who  has  left  us  a 
book  on  the  eloquence  of  the  bar,  is  mare  vakiedj  be- 


42  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

cause  he  has  given  more  pleasure  to  those  who  have 
©ome  after  him,  than  others  who  had  made  perhaps 
more  by  their  practice,  but  whose  memory  has  gone 
V'ith  themselves,  at  the  same  time  that  their  estates 
went  to  others. 

As  a  sample  of  the  lectures  of  the  blind  lawyer^ 
TT^e  shall  give  the  foIIowiDg. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


THE    LECTURE. 

IT  is  necessary  to    comprehend  perfectly  the 
facts  of  the  case,  and  this  to  enable  ; 

1 .  To  frame  the  action  ;  trespass,  or  trespass  oti 
the  case ;  tec. 

2.  To  frame  your  declaration  :  that  is,  to  put  a 
precise  statement  of  the  cause  of  action  upon  the  re-- 
cord. 

-    3.  To  examine  the  witnesses,  preparatory  to  the 
trial. 

I  say  nothing  of  the  science  necessary  to  draw  a  de- 
claration ;  though  thtre  is  great  delicacy  and  beauty, 
in  making  a  legal  statement  of  your  cause  ofaclior^ 
with  brevity,  perspicuity,  and  technical  correc  tness, 
Kor  do  I  mean  to  touch  on  the  vigilance  on  your  part 
or  liberality,  to  your  adversaries,  in  conduciin;-;  the 
cause  to  issue  and  trial,  taking  rules  and  giving  no- 
tice. This  is  not  the  stage  where  all  advautagts  are 
fair.  These  are  preHminaries  to  the  contest,  and  as 
in  the  wager  of  battle  the  combatant  makes  oath,  that 
he  uses  no  enchantment ;  so  a  liberal  lawyer  will  dis^- 
dain  to  avail  himself  of  an  oversiglit,  or  take  a  catch 
which  has  no  effect  upon  the  merits  of  a  cause.  If 
he  observes  a  defect  which  it  becomes  necessary  to  a- 
mend,  in  civil  cases,  he  will  point  it  out  and  give  leave 
to  do  it.  This  I  grant  he  is  not  bound  to  do  ;  but  it  is 
for  the  credit  of  the  profession  that  such  liberality 
should  be  cultivated,  and  justice  "wiil  lose  nothing  by 


44  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ft.  Strict  rules  of  pleading,  strictly  pursued,  are  uoi 
inconsistent  with  this  liberality  !  Professional  men, 
can  understand  the  boundaries  and  distinctions.  It  is 
not  within  my  present  compass  to  go  into  them. 

Preparatory  to  the  tri  d  ;  a  great  point  is,  the  exa- 
mination of  tlie  witnesses  to  be  adduced  by  your  cli- 
ent ;  such  of  them  as  are  willing  to  say  what  they 
know,  prior  to  their  being  called  in  court.  It  is  of 
mornc^nt  for  you  to  know  what  you  can  prove  by  any 
one  of  them,  that  you  may  bring  them  to  the  point 
imm'-diately  ;  and  save  the  thne  of  the  court  from  im- 
periinent  relation.  It  is  necessary  for  the  sake  of 
your  client  to  sift  them  well,  antl  know  the  testimony 
they  are  about  to  give.  The  council  above  who  has 
thus  silted  them,  should  undertake  to  examine.  When 
the  conduct  of  the  cause,  rests  with  me,  and  the  re- 
sponsibility, I  would  suffer  no  assistant  to  ask  a  ques- 
tion of  my  witnesses  Let  him  take  his  turn,  and  fill 
pp  his  part  in  cross  examining  the  witnesses  of  the  ad- 
versary. When  the  testimony  is  closed  in  a  jury  tiial, 
the  cause  is  usually  lost  or  won  :  and  a  single  ques- 
tion injudiciously  put,  may  have  been  the  cause  of 
losing  it.  Yet  there  is  nothing  more  difficult  for  a 
leading  council  than  to  restrain  the  impetuosity  of  his 
associates,  and  their  avidity  to  ask  questions. 

It  is  a  matter  of  great  judgment  when  a  witness 
has  answered  welL  to  let  the  answer  res+.  It  is  fa- 
vourable to  truth  to  let  it  rest  ;  for  by  putting  it  a- 
gain,  snd  again,  you  confuse  the  n>ind,  and  you  may 
get  the  very  reverse  of  what  he  had  before  said  ;  or  at 
least  you  may  get  it  so  disturbed,  as  to  be  unintelligi- 
i^le,  and  do  you  no  good. 

If  it  occurs  to  an  assistant  council  who  has  not  pre- 
^'iously  examined  ;  that  a  question  may  be  put  with 
advantage,  he  can  suggest  it  to  the  leading,  or  exami- 
ning council,  and  leave  him  to  judge.     The  wish  of 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  |% 

S^^eming  to  be  doiug  something  for  his  money  is  the 
cause  of  that  propensity  to  interrop;ate  that  prompts 
improperly  to  take  up  the  examination. 

The  takin<:j  down  the  testimouy  is  so  managed  as 
to  consume  time  unnecessarily  in  our  courts.  All 
concerned  in  a  cause,  must  take  down  and  wait  for  all. 
The  testimony  must  be  taken  down  as  if  it  was  to  be 
read  ac^ain  to  the  coui't,  or  sent  to  the  jury  in  the  style 
of  a  writteii  deposition.  Unnecessary  matter  is  taken 
down  ;  for  there  are  seldom  more  than  a  few  senten- 
ces in  the  testimony  of  a  witness  that  are  material  to 
the  cause.  But  it  is  to  seem  very  busy,  and  doing 
something  for  the  client,  where  in  fact  nothing  is  done 
that  leads  to  an  ostentation  of  taking  down,  even 
where  there  is  nothins^  to  take.  I  have  actually  knowi> 
this  to  take  place  at  the  bar. 

Well ;  what  do  you  know  of  this  matter  ? 

Why,  in  fact,  I  know  little  about  it. 

Stop,  stop  a  little,  let  me  take  that  down. 
;,     Well ;  you  say  you  know  little  about  the  mattefc 

Nothing  at  all— -only — 

Stop,  stop,  let  me  take  down  what  you  have  said-*. 

A  thing  like  this  exhausts  the  patience  ;  yet  it  is 
difficult  for  a  court  to  correct  it.  It  must  depend  up" 
on  the  good  sense  of  the  council  themselves,  to  select, 
and  confine  their  notes  to  what  is  of  substance  in  th* 
evidence. 

The  greatest  effort  in  the  management  of  a  cause, 
is  the  taking  exception  to  evidence.  For  tliis  purpose, 
it  is  necessary  that  from  the  commencement  of  the 
trial,  the  leading  council  lies  by  ;  thinks  much  ;  says 
little  ;  bends  his  whole  mind,  to  preserve  himself  un- 
ruffled :  sets  forward  the  junior,  and  assistant  coun- 
cil to  spar  where  it  may  be  necessary  j  to  make  pro- 
lusions, and  gain  time. 


4e  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

As  for  instance  j  a  piece  of  evidence  is  offered.  It 
strikes  the  leading  council,  that  exception  lies  against 
it.  But  he  is  not  clear ;  nor  is  he  prepared  to  sup- 
port the  exception.  An  assistant  council  takes  the 
exception.  It  is  run  down  and  completely  answered. 
Not  a  word  more  :  but  the  leading  council  has  had 
time  to  consider. 

If  he  had  not  thought  proper  to  give  it  up  ;  he 
would  have  risen  in  full  force. 

And  if  he  had  been  answered  with  some  shew  of 
reason,  the  assistant  would  have  rejoined,  and  done 
justice  to  the  argument,  hor  let  it  not  be  thought 
that  though  I  mark  the  parts  of  the  assistant  council, 
I  do  not  well  know  that  the  greater  lawyer,  may  have 
the  subordinate  part  assigned  him  ;  or  may  fall  into 
that  place,  in  the  management  of  a  cause,  on  the  trial. 
The  greater  general  may  happen  to  have  the  com- 
mand of  a  detachment  only  ;  or  be  employed  to  bring 
on,  or  relieve,  in  the  course  of  an  engagement 

For  law  is  an  image  of  war ;  and  as  in  war,  the 
greatest  praise,  is  to  discharge  your  duly  wherever  it 
may  be  assigned  ;  so,  on  a  tridl.  A  column  standing 
still,  and  never  brought  forward,  or  discharging  .a 
shot,  but  simply  keeping  ground,  may  have  done  the  • 
real  execution,  and  gained  the  battle.  A  thought  sug- 
gested is  sometimes  more  than  an  argument. 

But,  nevertheless  elocuiion  has  its  place,  and  noble 
praise.  It  is  delightful  to  hear  one  speak  well  where 
lie  ought  to  speak.  '*  The  words  of  the  wise  are  like 
nails  ;  fastened  in  sure  places.'*  Great  ihdulgence 
must  be  made,  for  young  pleaders  ;  but  1  have  it  not 
in  view  to  treat,  not  of  what  is  to  be  indulged  ;  but  of 
\yhat  is  to  be  approved.  Brevity  is  the  soul  of  elo- 
quence, and  amplification,  the  usual  fault.  Few  err 
in  saying  too  little.  Tediousness  is  the  more  com- 
mon extreme  :  padding,  and  beating  on    the  point. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  47 

f  After  a  passion  is  excited,  there  is  danger  of  "  tearing 
it  to  rags  " 

The  opening  of  the  case,  before  the  evidence  is  in* 
troduced,  is  a  matter  of  some  delicacy  ;  and  a  prin- 
ciple is  brevity  ;  and  stating  the  proper  proof,  rather 
below  what  it  will  turn  out.  When  disappointed  in 
the  expectation  raised,  the  mind  is  dissatisfied,  and 
with  difficulty  can  do  justice  to  what  is  proved.  It  is 
in  the  application  of  the  evidence  that  eloquence  finds 
her  province  at  the  bar.  And  yet  here  it  is  that  less 
harm  can  be  done  by  weak  or  unskilful  advocates, 
than  in  any  part  of  the  contest.  The  court  and  jury 
are  attached  to  the  evidence.  The  mind  is  stedfast 
upon  this,  and  if  a  flourisher  runs  off;  he  may  talk  ; 
it  is  only  a  loss  of  time.  It  is  here  that  less  experi- 
enced council  may  be  suffered  to  amuse  themselves  ; 
and  can  do  little  harm,  more  especially  if  tiiere  is 
some  one  to  follow  to  review  the  facts>  apply  the  law, 
and  clench  the  argument.  The  harm  that  can  be 
done,  is  to  weary  the  mind,  and  relax  the  spring  of 
attention.  This  is  misclievous  ;  but  cannot  well  be 
prevented.  The  council  must  be  heard.  But  there 
is  much  less  danger  to  a  cause,  in  this,  than  from  an 
injudicious  touch  in  the  conduct  of  it,  through  the 
evidence. 

With  regard  to  reading  authorities  in  the  opening, 
t)r  reply  ;  or  in  the  conduct  of  the  trial  generally,  I 
have  but  a  single  observation.  It  is  better  to  adduce 
no  authority,  at  all,  than  one  which  has  a  doubtful 
application,  because  it  brings  in  question  the  discern- 
ment of  the  council ;  and  gives  an  opportunity  to  th6 
adversary,  to  flourish  and  run  down  General  reason^ 
h  a  safer  ground,  than  doubtful  decisions. 


48  MODERN  CHIVALR*. 


CHAPTER  Vn. 


A  great  uproar  had,  in  the  mean  time  taketi 
place  in  the  village.  The  doctrine  of  abating  nui- 
sances, had  been  much  in  conversation,  since  the 
town  meeting  in  the  matter  of  the  pole-cat.  It  came 
so  far,  that  an  incendiary  proposed  to  abate,  or  bum 
down  the  college.  Because,  said  he  ;  all  learning  is 
tt  nuisance. 

A  town  meeting  had  been  called  on  the  occasion  ; 
and  whether  from  a  wish  to  see  a  bon-fire  ;  or  from 
the  hatred  of  the  ignorant,  to  all  that  places  the  in- 
formed above  them  ;  the  proposition  however  unrea- 
sontible  and  illegal  had  its  advocates.  It  had  been 
actually  carried,  and  a  person  was  now  on  his  way 
Vtlth  a  brand  lighted  to  set  fire  to  the  building. 

The  alarm  was  given  ;  and  the  more  considerate 
lushed  out  to  endeavour  to  prevent  conflagration. 

Force  was  v/m  ;  and  reason  avails  little  with  a 
mob.  The  only  way  to  oppose  their  resolution  is 
indirectly  by  turning  the  current  of  their  thoughts 
aside  and  to  the  attaining  the  same  thing  in  another 
way.  The  principal  and  professors  had  harangued 
in  vain  It  was  threatened  that  if  they  did  not  stand 
out  of  the  way,  they  \vould  burn  them,  with  the  col* 
lege. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  4t) 

The  Captuin  had  come  up;  and  venturing  to  speak; 
gentlemen,  said  he,  it  is  not  for  the  college  that  1  am 
about  to  speak  ;  it  is  for  yourselves  ;  your  object  is 
to  put  down  learning;  and  do  you  not  know  that  it  is 
put  down  already.  Why  will  you  do  a  useless  thing? 
It  is  calling  in  question  your  understanding,  to  do  a 
needless  mischief. 

Is  not  learning  put  down  already  ?  the  methodists 
are  the  best  preachers.  Take  a  liorse  jockey  and  in 
two  weeks  from  the  jump,  he  is  in  a  pulpit.  No  need 
of  Latin,  Greek,  Hebrew  ;  a  pollyglot  bible  ;  systems 
of  divinity  ;  a  commentary,  a  treatise,  an  essay,  or  a 
dissertation  :  all  is  plain  sailing  now. 

All  this  tends  to  put  learning  down,  so  that  you 
have  all  the  advantage  of  this,  without  the  trouble. 
Why  burn  the  college  ? 

The  building  will  serve  useful  purposes,  when  the 
professors  are  driven  out  of  it. 

Politicians  say,  that  though  they  have  no  learning, 
they  feel  no  want  of  it.  Is  it  to  be  supposed  that  u 
workman  does  not  know  whether  he  w  ants  tools  ? 
All  this  er.ds  wiien  learning  and  law  are  put  do\ui. 
Trial  by  battle  must  regulate  society.  We  shall  then 
want  barracks  and  hospitals.  This  building  will  ac- 
comvnodate  invalids. 

I  do  not  know,  said  a  sedate  man  among  the  crowd, 
whether  after  all,  a  little  learning  may  not  be  in  some 
casts,  useful.  It  is  a  g-eat  helfi  to  'weak  jieople,  I 
have  seen  a  book,  tntilled,  Hvk'.  5,  and  c^en  to  had  iifi 
cri/ipVd  Chnsnans  breeks.  1  hat  is  hooks  and  eyes  to 
hold  up  breeches.  Alluding,  by  the  bye,  to  hooks 
and  eyes  which  were  in  use  before  buttons.  What  are 
called  gallowses,  have  succeeded  to  the  assistance  of 
buttons,  but  have  not  altogether  superseded  them. 
Not  that  I  mean  to  insinuate  that  the  disuse  of  hooks 
and  eyes,  lead  to  the  gallows  in  the  proper  sense  of 

PART  II.  VOL.  I.  E 


50  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

the  v.'ord,  any  more  than  that  learning  docs.  ThoUgli 
many  a  man  that  wears  buttons  has  l)een  hung.  Per- 
haps more  without  buttons. than  with  them.  But  I 
mean  to  say  that  a  young  man,  before  he  comes  to 
the  years  of  discretion  may  as  well  be  employed  in 
learning  to  make  marks  upon  paper,  as  playing  at 
nine-mens-morrice,  and  it  does  limi  no  more  harm 
to  try  to  read  Greek,  than  to  trace  partridge  tracks. 
The  mind  must  be  employed  in  something  to  keep 
it  out  of  harm's  way,  and  recltision  in  a  seminary  is 
useful,  if  for  nothing  else  at  least  to  keep  young  peo- 
ple within  doors,  which  the  academician  could  not 
easily  do,  unless,  the  device  of  books  was  used  to  be- 
i;uile  the  hours  of  study.  And  though  a  great  part 
of  their  learning,  is  but  the  knowledge  of  hocks  and 
crocksy  yet  the  exercise  of  the  mind  renders  them  more 
expert  in  thinking  ;  and  though  Latin  is  of  no  more 
use  to  raise  tlie  devil  than  English,  now  a  days  ;  yet 
it  is  a  gentle  exercise  to  learn  it,  and  makes  the  boys 
grow  faster.  It  keeps  them  from  their  mothers  who 
are  apt  to  spoil  their  offspring  by  too  much  indul- 
igence.  The  idea  of  getting  a  task,  accustoms  the 
mind  to  obedience.  Now  there  are  sonic  branches 
of  science  that  are  really  useful,  such  as  speaking  and 
writing  intelligibly,  and  casiing  up  accounts.  Nor 
is  the  time  aitogtiher  thro^vn  away  in  learning  ma-^ 
thematics,  especially  tlie  tiieory  of  t!»e  mechanical 
powers.  Some  are  of  Opinion  that  this  study  has 
been  of  grciit  use  in  navigation,  and  water  works. 
The  ancients  iouiid  their  account  in  it,  in  the  con- 
struction of  the  Catapult.  i)ut,  at  least,  what  harm> 
in  lettiui^,'  pedr.nts  chop  logic,  and  boys  laugh,  in  the 
KciViinaritb  ?  A  htrring  pickle, -or  a  Merry  Andrew^ 
is  allowed  to  anAise  people,  and  we  do  not  pull  down 
their  stalls  A  \entril04uist  is  suffered  to  take  hi3 
doUur  from  U3j  and  we  make  no  remonstrance.  Lcc= 


MODERIn  chivalry.  5! 

tares,  on  moral  philosophy  are  at  least  as  ii.nocent  as 
this.  I  do  not  know  any  better  recreation  for  a  lad 
of  mettle  than  to  listen  to  a  dissertation  on  eloquence^ 
or  a  discourse  on  chronolop:y,  and  history.  It  shar- 
pens his  wit  to  talk  over  affairs  with  Lis  equals.  But 
there  is  one  reason  that  serves  for  a  hundred-  Ii  is 
not  every  one  that  is  born  a  genius,  and  can  do  with- 
out the  help  of  education.  I  am  therefore  for  conti- 
nuing these  crudities  a  little  longer.  When  we  can 
afford  it  better,  we  can  pull  down  the  college.  This 
speech  had  a  good  effect,  and  the  mob  retired. 

But  before  they  were  aware,  the  flame  had  broken 
out  in  another  direction.  The  mob  retiring,  had  en- 
tered into  altercation  amongst  themselves,  and  began 
to  blame  one  another.  Some,  for  not  going  on  to 
burn  the  college,  and  othei's,  for  having  thought  of  it 
at  all.  In  opposition  to  the  last,  the  first  grew  outrage- 
ous, and  began  to  exclaim,  and  to  curse  and  to  swear, 
and  said,  damn  them,  but  if  they  had  not  burned  a 
college,  they  would  burn  or  pull  down,  a  church. 
They  had  actually  prepared  faggots,  and  were  on  their 
way  a  second  time,  to  execute  a  new  mischief. 

The  alarm  was  given,  the  chief  burgess,  and  assist- 
ants, and  respectable  inhabitants  assembled  I  Great 
reliance  was  had  upon  the  Captain,  from  his  success, 
in  the  former  instance  ;  and  when  the  two  forces, 
that  of  the  mob,  and  that  of  the  community  stood  face 
to  face,  and  were  in  opposition,  ready  ttD  fall  on,  the 
one  to  commit  waste,  and  the  other  to  defend,  he 
was  called  upon  to  come  forward  and  harangue. 

He  obeyed  instantly,  but  was  well  aware  that  a  stra- 
tagem in  war  cannot  succeed  a  second  time,  and  there- 
fore instead  of  attempting  to  decoy  and  turn  aside 
their  passions,  thought  proper  to  attack  them  direct- 
ly by  the  opposite,  fear.  Madmen,  said  he,  Avhat  da 
you  mean?  Is  it  to  rob,  plunder  and  murder  thr.t  yo\i 


62  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

have  assembled  ?  Come  on  ;  but  in  coming  you  must 
meet  with  this  weapon,  brandishing  his  hunger  ;  I  am 
alone;  but  a  legion  is  behind  me  and  will  be  with 
me  speedily. 

But  as  I  am  at  all  times  averse  from  the  use  of 
force  until  it  becomes  necessary  ;  I  am  willing  in 
the  mean  time  to  hear  reason.  Why  is  it  that  yoa 
would  pull  down  a  church,  and  abolish  the  christian 
w^orship  in  the  village  ? 

it  is  not  our  intention  to  abolish  Christianity,  said  a 
grave  man  amongst  them,  but  to  put  down  the  preach- 
er at  tl'is  place  ;  who  is  not  an  American  republican, 
but  quotes  the  English  commentators  in  his  sermons, 
Henry's  annotations  on  the  Bible  ;  Burket  on  the 
New-Testamtnt  ;  Pool's  Synopsis,  Tillotson  and 
Baxter,  and  many  others.  We  wish  to  abolish  these, 
and  have  nothinc^  but  our  ov/n  commentaries.  Are 
■we  to  be  drawin*^  our  proofs  from  under  a  monarchy, 
and  rcfering  to  tracts  and  essays  published  in  Great 
Britain  ?  Hnve  we  no  sense  of  our  o^vn  to  explain 
texts  of  Scripture,  and  apply  doctrines  ?  It  is  time  to 
emancipate  ourselves  from  these  shackles,  and  every 
man  be  his  own  expounder,  or  at  least  confine  our 
clergy  to  the  Bible  and  the  Psalm  book,  or  such  of 
our  divines,  as  have  written  amongst  ourselves,  and 
-are  of  our  own  manufacture  in  a  republican  govern- 
ment. 

Religion,  said  the  Captain,  is  of  no  government. 
Wines  are  the  better  for  being  brought  over  seas,  and 
our  best  brandies  are  from  monarchies.  Where  was 
the  cloth  of  that  coat  made  ?  Will  you  reject  a  good 
piece  of  stuff  because  it  c«me  through  the  hands  of 
an  aristocratic  weaver  ?  These  are  false  ideas  of  what 
is  right,  and  useful  to  mankind.  The  common  law 
is  not  the  worse  for  having  been  the  common  law  of 
England,  and  our  property  and  birth  right  which  our 


MODEtlN  CHIVALRY.  *3 

ancestors  broup;ht  with  them  ;  nor  is  our  Bible  the 
Worse  for  havin,^  been  translated  under  James  the 
first  of  En^^land,  which  translation  we  slill  u^e,  and 
from  which  we  repeat  all  sentences  of  Scripture.  Nor 
are  systems  of  theology,  or  harmonies  of  the  evange- 
lists the  worse  for  having  been  written  in  another 
country.  Why  do  we  use  the  English  language  ?  Is 
it  not  because  we  cannot  easily  substitute  another  ;  or 
have  no  better  to  substitute.  The  Shanese,  or  Dela- 
ware, or  Piankisha,  may  be  softer,  but  not  so  copi- 
ous or  of  equal  energy  and  strength.  But  even  if  in 
all  respects  superior,  can  we  by  an  act  of  volitioi^, 
transfer  it  into  common  use  and  make  .it  all  at 
once,  our  vernacular  tongue  ? 

The   grave  man  made  no  answ-r  ;  but  the  more 
violent  were  still  disposed  to  pull  O.o.vn  the  church. 


At  the  alarm  created  by  the  uproar,  the  peda> 
gogue,  and  the  pedeseque,  who  had  in  the  mean  iime 
been  engaged  in  composing  the  book,  had  run  out, 
and  left  the  manuscript  in  hands,  on  the  table.  A 
wag  stepping  in,  had  written  an  addition  to  a  chapter. 
And  coming  back,  the  school-master  hud  resumed 
his  labour,  without  observing  it.  The  chapter  in 
hands  was  that  which  gave  an  account  of  his  ascent 
in  a  balloon  ;  and  the  addition  was  as  folloM's : 

^'  Passing  a  cloud,  I  put  cut  my  hand,  and 

took  a  piece  of  it,  and  squeezed  it  like  a  spunge,  ar,d 
the  water  ran  out.  The  sun  went  north  about  ;  but 
never  set.  At  the  distance  of  about  fifty  leagues  above 
the  earth,  we  saw  a  white  bird  sitting  on  the  corner 
of  a  cloud.     We  took  it  to  be  one  of  Mahomeis  pige- 

E    2 


H  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ons.  If  we  had  had  a  gun  we  could  have  shot  it. 
Passing  by  the  moon  we  saw  a  man  selling  lands  at 
auction.  He  wished  us  to  give  a  bid  ;  but  we  told 
him,  we  had  not  come  to  buy  land  in  the  moon.  Wc 
came  across  a  comet,  but  it  was  asleep.  It  looked 
like  a  tarapine  ;  but  had  a  tail  like  a  fox. 

The  balloon  struck  a  wasp's  nest,  and  we  were  in 
danger  of  the  stings. 

Coming  near  a  hail  bank,  we  filled  a  hat :  the  hail 
stones  were  about  as  large  as  a  pigeon's  egg. 

A  thousand  miles  above  the  earth  we  passed 
through  a  field  of  turkey  buzzards.  This  would 
seem  to  be  their  region  ;  and  accounts  for  the  cir- 
cumstance, that  no  one  has  ever  found  a  nest  of  one 
of  these.  Their  rookeries  are  out  of  sight,  in  the  at- 
mosphere. 

As  we  approached  one  of  the  heavenly  bodies — It 
appeared  like  an  island.  We  struck  upon  a  planet, 
but  Blanchard  got  out  and  pushed  off  the  balloon. 
We  supposed  it  to  be  Mercury,  as  we  heard  orators 
haranguing,  and  a  multitude  of  tongues. 

There  were  marriages  going  on  in  Venus,  and  in 
Mars,  we  heard  the  drums  beat. 

In  Jupiter  we  heard  sv^earing,  Proh!  Jupiter;  OX 
Jupiter  !  by  Jupiter. 

We  meant  to  have  a  pull  at  one  of  Saturn's  rings, 
but  were  blown  ofi'the  coast,  and  found  ourselves  in 
the  latitude  of  Herschell.  Provisions  failing,  we 
thought  proper  to  shape  our  course  to  the  earth  again* 

The  first  thing  we  saw  was  the  forest  of  Ardennes, 
which  appeared  like  a  shamrock  ;  the  Pyrenean 
ii-iountains  seemed  a  bed  of  parsley,  and  the  Atlantic 
Ocean,  was  about  as  large  as  Loch  Swilly. 

Witliin  about  a  furlong  of  the  earth,  Blanchard 
gave  me  the  parachute,  and  I  came  down.  It  was  in 
a  field  of  corn  among  reapers.     They  took  me  for  a- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  5o 

sheep,  and  thought  to  have  mutton  j  but  finding  thck 
mistake,  they  invited  me  to  breakfast. 


Teague  with  his  amanuensis  returning,  resum- 
ed his  memoir,  not  observing  the  interlopation  which, 
in  the  mean  time  had  been  made.  Some  have  thought 
it  was  the  best  chapter  in  it.  At  least  it  is  the  most 
extravagant. 


56  MODERN  CHIVALRI^, 


CHAPTER  VIIL 


HAVING  now  a  little  time  upon  his  hands, 
the  Captain  thought  of  repeating  his  visit  to  the  blind 
lawyer,  and  fidler  ;  and  happening  at  an  interval  of 
the  blind  man's  lectures  he  drew  him  into  conversa- 
tion, on  the  subject  of  the  law.  What  is  this  com- 
mon law,  said  he,  which  you  speak  of,  and  why  can- 
not it  be  abolished  ?  The  common  law  of  England  ! 
■why  not  a  common  law  of  our  own  ;  now  that  we  arc 
an  independent  government  ? 

It  is  our  own  common  law,  said  the  lawyer.  We 
derive  it  from  a  common  source  with  the  inhabitants- 
of  Britain.  Shall  the  people  on  that  side  the  water 
alone  possess  this  jurisprudence,  which  our  commonr 
ancestors  possessed,  just  because  we  have  left  the 
island  ?  It  was  because  our  birth-right  to  this  law  was 
questioned  that  we  resisted  in  war,  and  declared  our 
independence.  The  right  to  representation  is  a  prin- 
ciple of  the  common  law,  and  this  right  was  denied 
to  the  colonies.  The  right  of  trial  by  jury  is  a  prin- 
ciple of  the  common  law,  and  this  in  some  cases,  was 
abridged,  in  others,  taken  away  altogether.  On  what 
ground  were  these  defended  ;  on  the  ground  that 
shey  were  our  inheritance  by  the  common  law. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  5f 

I  iBut  why  called  common  law  ?  It  was  so  called  at 
distinguished  from  the  laws  of  particular  places.  It 
was  a  system  common  to  the  whole  people.  The 
term  came  into  use  after  the  heptarchy. 

A  ground  of  this  law  is  reason  ;  or  the  principles 
of  universal  justice.  The  application  of  these  princi- 
ples to  particular  cases,  forms  a  great  part  of  the  com- 
mon law  :  the  application  of  the  principles  of  justice 
to  that  infinity  of  Qases,  which  arise  on  the  inter- 
course of  men  in  a  state  of  society  :  obligations  inde- 
pendent of  contract,  or  conti^cts  themselves.  We 
read  the  decisions  in  such  cases,  because  the  reason 
of  those  who  have  gone  before,  is  a  help  to  those  that 
follow. 

Rules  of  pleading,  rules  of  evidence,  the  practice 
of  courts,  are  the  result  of  experience,  and  our  own  ; 
'or  adopted  by  us,  as  a  part  of  the  common  law.  This 
law  forms  a  system  bet^un  in  the  woods  of  Germi^ny  ; 
taking  its  rise  amongst  our  Saxon  ancestors,  it  was 
brought  with  them  into  Britain  ;  recei\ing  accessions 
from  what  it  found  good  in  the  island  to  which  it 
came. 

Abolish  the  common  law  ?  why  not  abolish  the  art 
of  medicine,  because  it  has  been  cultivated  in  Great 
Britain  ?  Sydenham,  Harvey  and  Mead,  are  thought 
to  have  added  to  the  science.  The  British  chymists, 
have  increased  the  materia  medica.  Why  not  make 
War  upon  the  apothecaries,  because  they  sell  English 
drugs  ? 


•SB  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Just  at  that  instant  a  hudy  bnily  was  beard  half, 
a  squ.ire  distant  ;  people  ruaoin^  into  an  apothecary 
shop,  and  jul;s  tiu'own  out  at  the  vvindo\v-  It  was  a 
mob  collected  to  break  up  the  Doctor. 

A  Latin  master  fronj  the  college,  lifting  up  his 
hands  in  tiie  atiiuide  of  a  man  attempting  to  ring  a 
bell,  was  endeavouring  to  appease  the  multitude,  in 
such  address  as  was  on  his  tongue  from  the  classic 
authors  :  cives,  cives,  quis  furor  vos  agitat  !  vesania 
quae  versat !  qua  dementia  cepit !  Inlelix  pecus  !  oh  I 
heu  !  proh .  hominum.  Insanire  decct,  ratione,  mo« 
doque. 

It  availed  nothing.  The  outrage  was  continued. 
Glass  andearthen  ware,  broken  ;  powders  and  liquids 
filled  the  atmosphere  with  vapour,  and  a  vai«iety  of 
smells.  Ah  I  said  an  orator,  it  ih  full  time  to  retum 
,to  the  simplicity  ot  early  times,  when  men  had  re* 
course,  in  case  of  internal  diseases,  or  external 
•wounds,  to  the  barks  of  trees,  or  the  plants  of  the 
fields,, and  had  not  yet  become  acquainted  with  extrac- 
tions and  decoctions  put  in  phials,  and  called  drops,, 
to  make  the  well  sick,  and  poison  the  livinc^. 

It  would  have  made  a  good  drawing  in  a  picture,  to 
have  seen  the  apothecary  at  work,  in  the  mean  time, 
endeavouring  to  clear  the  shop,  with  a  cudgel,  some- 
times pelting  a  rioter  ;  at  other  times  breaking  the 
head  of  one  of  his  own  jugs. 

A  preacher  stood  by  exhorting  to  carry  on  the 
work.  He  had  taken  a  text.  "  There  is  a  time  to 
build,  and  a  time  to  pull  down."  He  thought  this  a 
pulling  down  time.  The  greater  part  of  his  audi- 
ence appeared  to  think  him  orthodox,  and  were  shew- 
ing their  faith,  b^  their  works,  at  the  expence  of  the 
dispensary.  Good  God,  called  out  the  son  of  Escula- 
pius,  will  no  one  assist  ?  shall  I  be  ruined?  The  in- 
dustry  of  years  dissipated   in  a  day  :  all  my  la\ul- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  sg 

uniim,  my  ptppcr-mint,  sulphur,  vitiiol,  oils,  acids, 
my  tartar,  and  arsenic  ;  all  gone  to  pot,  or  rather  the 
pots  gone  with  them,  jars,  jugs,  and  glister-pipes  i 
Vf  hat  devastation  !  what  havock  I  Is  it  for  sport,  or 
for  profit  ?  Oh  ;  the  folly,  the  fury,  the  madness  of 
the  populace  !  They  are  indeed  the  swinish  multi- 
tude. A  herd  of  swine  in  a  century,  would  not  have 
done  so  much  damage. 


At^his  point  of  the  game,  whether  by  design,  or  ac- 
cident, a  cry  of  fire  had  been  raised  ;  and  the  fire  com- 
pany with  their  engine  and  buckets  were  up,  and  be- 
gan to  play  upon  the  buildhig,  throv\ing  the  water  in 
at  the  windows,  I'nd  at  the  door,  so  thtit  tht  peoj.le  in 
the  hoyse,  and  liie  Doctor  himself  were  as  wet  as  rats, 
and  occasionc'liy  the  pipe  carried  rcund  with  a  s\\etp, 
came  upon  the  by-:standers  without.  The  preacher 
got  his  Bible  wet,  and  his  Psalm  book  ;  and  the  Latin 
master  called  out "  Jt.m  satis  ttrris;*' or  that  there 
was  rain  enoueh  ;  and  tiie  orator,  thought  it  anew 
way,  of  quelling  mobs.  Tht  Captain  saici  he  had  seen 
something  of  tiie  kind  attcnipted  in  rtpressiiig  beesj 
when  they  swarmed,  throwing  water  on  them,  and 
tliut  the  I  lots  of  men  were  ai.alogous. 

But  what  can  ll^.ey  n.ei;n,  suid  a  peace  officer  by  at^ 
ticking  this  mans  boluses  ?  Do  they  meuu  to  put  aa 
end  to  the  practice  of  physic?  among  tiie  savages 
they  attribute  aches,  and  pains  in  the  llesh  and  boneij 
to  a  bcid  spirit  that  has  got  into  t.  e  muhclcs,  and  the 
tendons,  and  by  rubbing  with  the  hand,  ami  pressing 
tl:e  parts  they  endeuvcur  to  expel  it.  The  chufhng 
has  sometimes  a  good  effect,   and  if  theie  tlxould  not 


60  MODERN  CHIVALRV. 

be  an  evil  spirit  to  drive  out,  it  eases  and  relieves  from^ 
the  complaint.      But  though    exercise  and   tempe- 
rance may    preserve  health,  and  cold  and  warm  ba- 
thing, and  friction  of  the   joints  may  relieve  from 
rheumatic  pain,  yet  in  a  multitude  of  cases  the  speci* 
fics  of  pharmacy  may  be   found  useful ;  especially  h 
a  society  of  close  population,  where  we  have  not  woodj 
and  forest  to  run  m,  and  where  sedentary  occupational 
keep  people  silting  half  their  time.     And  thoui^h  af-J 
ter  all,  the  diagnosis,  or   dislinguishing  diseases,  is  inj 
many  cases,  but  a  guess,  and  the  means  of  cure  still] 
more  conjectural,  yet  still   there  is  something  in  thej 
province  of  science,  and  the  skill  of  the  well  read  and] 
experienced  physician. 

Why  then  do  you  not  put  the  law  in  force  a|;ains< 
such  an  attack  upon  the  druggist,  said  an  orator  ?  Yoi 
see  his  chest  of  medicine  brokcf>  open,  before  youi 
eyes,  and  iiis  shelves  pulled  down,  and  the  tables  un-i 
der  foot,  and  yet  no  one  bound  over,  or  the  riot  act 
read. 

Soft  and  fairly  said  the  peace  officers,  all  in  gooc 
lime. 

Take  sail  from   the  mast  when  there  comes  tool 
strong  a  blast.     A  madness  prevails  at  present.     It  I 
will  be  but  of  d  forlnightscontinuance.    When  the  peo- 
ple get  a  thing  into  their  heads,  the  best  way  is  to  let 
them  go  on.     They  will  come  to  themselves  by  and 
by. 

But  in  the  mean  time  they  will  do  a  great  deal  of 
harm,  said  the  Captain. 

It  is  in  the  atmosphere  said  the  orator  I  is  it  impor- 
ted, or  of  domestic  oiigin,  said  a  tijinUing  man  among 
the  croud. 

It  may  be  imported,  or  it  maybe  ofdomtstic  origin 
Said  a  siuiple  man  ;  for  both  abroad  and  ui  home,  wc' 


i 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  e\ 

have  instances  of  such  madness  occasionally  breaking 
out,  owing  to  some  subtil  gas  in  the  holds  of  vcss  els, 
or  that  breeds  in  our  own  streets.  It  may  come  from 
France  or  Ireland  :  but  v/hat  is  there  to  hinder  it 
springing  up  here,  where  there  are  as  good  materials 
to  work  upon,  as  on  the  other  side  the  water.  Hu- 
man nature  is  the  same  every  where. 


PART  II.  VOL.  X 


63  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


-CHAPTER  IX. 


T'lE  memoir  ofthe  boj^-trotter  had  now  made 
its  appearance,  and  was  read  with  avidity  by  all  ranks, 
and  class-s  of  the  community.  The  novelty  of  the 
matter  made  the  stile  agreeable  and  it  was  called  up 
as  a  model  of  fine  writing.  In  fact  the  school  master 
who  was  the  real  author,  Teague  furnishing  only  ma- 
terials, had  some  knowledge  of  the  English  gram- 
mar, and  had  read  the  Pilgrims  Progress,  the  Seven 
Champions-"  of  Christendom.,  Reynard  the  Fox,  the 
Siege  of  Troy,  and  had  a  diction  not  unpleasing,  and 
tolerably  correct. 

The  place  ot  a  professor  of  rhetoric  in  the  college, 
being  vacant,  it  was  suggested  that  the  new  author 
might  be  an  acquisition  to  give  lectures  on  eloquence,, 
and  Teague  was,  as  usual,  elated,  with  the  proposi- 
tion, and  solicited  the  Captain  to  countenance  the 
matter,  with  the  trustees  of  the  semhiary,  that,  if  he 
had  failed  in  the  political,  he  might,  have  a  chance  of 
elevation  in  the  literary  world.  The  Captain  accord- 
ingly lent  his  aid,  and  tliough,  wiiUsome  reluctance, 
undertook  to  press  the  matter  with  the  friends  of  the 
institution,  still  doubting  in  his  own  mind  the  capa- 
city of  the  candidate  for  a  chair  in  a  universi  y.  It  is 
true,  he  had  heard  tell  of  lectures  on  taste  and  criti- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  cu 

cism,  by  those,  who  had  not  much  tr,ste,  and  were 
no  great  critics  themselves.  But  this  was  considered 
as  abuse,  and  not  to  pass  into  precedent.  However, 
he  consented  imd  did  broach  the  matter.  It  was  like- 
ly to  be  carried  and  would  have  been  carried,  but  for 
the  other  professors,  wlio  said  it  v/ould  be  a  burlesque 
on  them,  and  threatened  to  resign  if  the  thing  was 
pushed  any  farther,  as  in  their  opinion,  however 
great  the  fame  of  this  phenomenon  might  be,  he  was 
in  fact,  but  an  illiterate  person,  and  filler  for  a  pro- 
fessor of  gymnastics,  than  cf  lelters  in  an  academy. 

A  professor  of  gymnaslicsj  t'.ien  let  him  be,  said  the 
Captain.  It  is  true  he  has  nctreiul  Sajzman  en  the 
athletics  of  schools,  or  Stiutt  on  the  games  and  pas- 
times of  England  ;  nevertheless  he  can  play,  at  prison 
best,  barley-bret ;  blind-mans-ba{I';  tb.e  hindmost  of- 
three,  and  fool  in  the  co'ner.  He  is  no  slouch  at 
swere-arse  ;  is  a  pretty  good  hitch  at  a  wrestle  ;  and 
can  run  aiid  leap  abundantly  v/ell. 

So  saying,  he  turned  about,  and  vralkcd  away,  with 
his  stick  in  his  hand,  to  look  for  the  ho£;-trottcr,  •cV.d 
to  bring  him  forward  for  the  professorship  j  l>ut  had 
not  walked  farjbefore  he  fell  in  with  the  remains  of  the 
Doctor's  shop  that  had  been  thrown  out  upon  the 
strcet  ;  and  where  was  Teague  in  a  stall  turned  doc- 
tor, and  selling  drugs  to  the  mullitude,  arsenic  for 
worm-pov.'der,  and  laudanum  for  wine-cordial.  He  had 
picked  up  the  pi.i.ds  when  ihe  apothecary  had  run  off 
fearing  the  multilude,  and, the  people  thinking  this 
man  his  deputy,  or  substitujie,  selling  off  at  a  low 
price,  were  willing  to  take  a  bargain  v/hile  they  could 
get  it. 

The  Captain  was  irritated  on  the  score  of  hum-ani- 
ty,  and  for  the  first  time,  made  a  streke  at  the  bog*-' 
trotter.  The  cudgel  lighting  on  a  box  of  Spanish  flies 
that   was  C'oinp    cff  at  tv  the  ai.d  a  hiif  ctMs,    dis- 


64  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

sipated  the  contents.  A  dialogue  ensued,  and  much 
expostulation.  But  the  result  was,  that  the  vendue 
was  broken  up,  and  it  came  to  be  understood,  that 
Teai;ue  was  not  the  real  owner  of  the  ware-house, 
and  that  the  purchasers  might  be  called  upon  to  pay 
for  the  drugs  a  second  time.  This  last  consideration 
had  an  efiett  and  the  bidding  ceased. 


At  this  tim.e  John  >,Turdoch  came  up,  a  shrewd 
man,  though  not  in  any  office,  and  being  well  ac- 
quainted with  the  Captain,  and  the  history  of  the  bog- 
trotter,  made  free  to  speak  upon  the  occasion,  and 
addressing  himself  to  the  Cuptain;  for  the  bog-trotter 
had  run  off",  whether  fearing  the  stick,  or  to  spend 
the  money  he  had  gathered.  Captain,  said  he.  Nemo 
omnibus  horis  sapit;  no  m.an  is  ^ise  at  all  times. 
You  have  been  a  long  time  seeking  to  get  your  man 
into  place,  and  now  that  he  hpd  got  into  place  with- 
out you ;  for  accident  often  does  more  for  a  man  than 
his  best  friends  ;  you  liave  been  unwilling  that  lie 
should  stay  in  it.  Nay,  you  have  drivtn  him  from  it. 
He  had  just  got  into  a  good  way  in  an  honourable  and 
lucrative* profession,  and  you  ha^e  stopt  his  career 
■with  your  !>atabuy,  or  shalelah,  a  weapon  which,  from 
his  infancy  he  had  been  taught  to  dread.  Do  you 
think  the  greater  part  of  doctors  are  better  read  than 
he  v.as  ;  or  even  if  better  read,  does  their  reading 
turn  to  more  account?  Will  the  people  employ  them 
sooner,  because  they  are  learned  in  their  profes- 
sion r  Or,  even  if  learned,  is  their  skill  the  more  to 
be  depended  on  ?  One  of  the  faculty  has  said  ;  ars 
nostra  conjecturalis  est.     Hoffman  ran  down  Botr- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  65 

fiaave  ;  Cullen,  Hoffman  ;  Brown,  Cullen  ;  and  the 
system  now  among  the  physicians,  is  a  hotch  potch, 
or  mixture  of  all.  C^Regan  might  have  been  a  quack ; 
but  the  faculty  tell  us  that  medicine  is  much  iiidebted 
to  quacks.  Slercury  was  brought  into  use  by  them, 
and  it  is  now  the  panacea,  the  specific  for  all  diseases, 
the  consumption  itself  Graxity  is  the  most  practical 
qualification.  Could  not  Teague  assume  a  grave  ap- 
pearance ;  a  sober  pliysiognomy,  a  measured  step, 
■with  a  cane  in  his  hand  ;  a  steady  look  straight  be- 
fore ;  a  md  to  tho^e  that  pass  by,  as  if  from  a 
thinking  man  ?  Could  not  he  feel  a  pulse,  and  speak 
mysteriously,  if  lie  could  not  speak  learnedly,  not 
having  given  clinical  lectures,  or  attended  them  ?  Or 
could  he  not  hold  his  tongue  a  long  time,  and  say- 
nothing ;  which  would  answer  the  purpose  just  as 
well ;  for  silence  is  obscurity,  and  obscurity  is  subli- 
mity. When  the  patient  is  dead,  it  was  the  disease 
killed  him,  not  the  doctor.  Dead  men  tell  no  tales. 
Facilis  descensus  averni.  I  have  heard  the  blind  law- 
yer discoursing  to  this  effect,  that  in  the  profession 
of  the  law,  which  is  an  ostensible  profession,  and 
more  likely  to  expose  a  man^s  parts,  or  faculties  of 
mind  than  almost  any  other,  yet  it  is  not  always  un- 
derstood who  is  the  real  lav/yer ;  and  a  man  may- 
have  made  an  estate  at  the  bar.  before  it  is  found  out 
that  he  if!  afoul.  If  he  loses  the  cause  by  his  mis- 
management, he  lays  it  en  the  jury  :  or  if  the  court 
decide  on  a  point  of  law  contrary  to  the  advice  he  had 
given,  what  can  I  help  it,  says  he,  //  a  ccmmi&iion 
cannot  gix^c  sense.  It  is  the  law  of  the  books,  though 
it  is  not  the  law  of  their  heads.  The  clit;nt  submits, 
and  is  better  pleased  with  liis  counsel,  than  with  an 
honest  fellow  who  had  told  him  in  th.e  first  instance  ; 
or  would  tell  him  in  the  last,  that  his  cause  was  none 
©f  the  best  J  and  the  verdict,  or  ji 
F  2 


66  MODERN^  CHIVALRY. 

this  is  the  case  in  a  profession,  that,  in  comparison  of 
the  other,  is  visible,  and  tangible;  that  you  can  reach 
it  in  its  exhibition,  what  must  it  be  in  an  art  which 
is  less  in  view  ;  wiiere  the  ignorance  of  the  practi- 
tioner is  c?<pable  of  more  concealment  ^  and  the  man 
dies  who  is  most  hurt,  and  carries  his  complaint  be- 
fore Minos,  and  Rhadamantluis,  who  wait  u?iiil  the 
doctor  comes  to  i^ive  him  a  fair  hearing  ? 

It  is  not  that  I  had  any  doubt,  said  the  Captain,  of 
his  getting  into  practice,  that  I  had  been  opposed  to 
his  empiricism^  My  apprehension  rather  was,  that 
he  v/ould  get  too  much  practice,  and  have  too  many 
lives  to  answer  for  morally  and  in  conscience,  if  not 
legally.  For  what  did  he  know  of  drugs,  or  of  their 
eficct  upon  the  constitution  ?  If  you  go  to  conscience 
and  morality  with  it,  I  have  done,  said  Air.  Murdoch. 
You  leave  no  reasoning  for  me.  I  was  speaking  as  a 
man  of  the  world,  and  the  making  a  living :  if  you 
feel  your3<;lf  entramelled  with  that  sort  of  doctrine, 
you  are  on  the  other  side  the  line  :  I  have  no  concern 
with   you  :   Ycu  belong  to  the  old  school. 

Thedoctor,  in  the  meantime  had  come  back,  and 
was  examining  the  depredations. 

An  inventory  v/as  taken  unc'er  the  direction  of  the 
Captain  thut  what  remained  might  be  compared  with 
the  original  stock,  and  the  lo^s  ascertained,  that  if 
might  be  compensated  to  the  poor  man  by  subscrip- 
tion. Asto  what  had  been  purloined  by  Teague  in 
tiie  way  of  sale,  he  undertook  himself  to  make  up 
that,  having  been  somewhat  accessary  to  it  by  intro- 
ducing:  the  bog-trolter  to  the  village. 


MO DERN  CTllTALPvr.  6? 


CHAPTER  X, 


From  what  has  been  stated  of  tl.e  activity  of 
m-ind  among  the  inhabitants  of  this  village,  and  espe- 
cially from  the  samples  that  have  been  given  of  their 
attention  to  politics  it  nill  not  be  a  subject  of  wonder, 
that  there  was  a  village  coffee-house,  on  a  small  scale 
in  this  place,  and  that  the  people  sometimes  met  here, 
to  smoke  a  pipe,  and  take  a  glass  of  beer  and  read  a 
news  paper.  It  might  be  called  a  beer  house,  if  what 
was  drank  in  it  gave  the  name  ;  for  more  ale  was 
drank  than  cofiee  ;  but,  in  imitation  of  the  larger 
towns  it  was  called  a  coiFee  house.  It  happened  that 
the  Cojitain  wishing  to  learn  the  news  of  the  coffee- 
house, took  a  walk  there. 

Teague,  v/ilh  what  he  had  collected  from  the  sale 
of  the  drugs,  had  been  here  before  them  ;  and  taking 
on  himself  the  air  of  a  politician,  had  called  for  pipes 
and  tobacco,  and  v/as  looking  over  a  gazette  ;  not  that 
he  could  read  ;  but  to  induce  people  to  believe  that 
he  read  ;  occasionally  also,  as  if  unconscious  of  those 
around  him,  throwing  out  a  sentence,  in  French  ;  a' 
little  of  which  he  had  acquired  as  a  parrot  would 
language  :  such  phrases,  as  save  qui  pcut  :  tarn  ]  is 
■>our  lut  ;  a  la  guillotine.  Nor  did  he  neglect  the 
!.rug  of  the   shoulders,  a  habit   of  expressing  the 


68  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

emotions  of  the  mind,  which  remained  still  in  some 
degree  among  the  republicans,  though  it  had  been 
contracted  under  the  monarchy,  when  people  were 
afrai<l  to  speak  out,  and  raised  the  back,  when  they 
did  not  dare  to  lift  the  voice  ;  and  dumb  signs  served 
instead  of  a  viva  voce  declaration.  This  suited  the 
bog-trotter  and  enabled  him  to  conceal  his  ignorance. 
Not  that  he  had  the  prudence  to  intend  this  ;  but  imi- 
tating what  he  had  seen  abi'oad,  he  took  up  the  cha- 
racter at  liome. 

The  attention  of  the  benches  was  attracted  by  his 
physiognomy,  and  attitude  ;  and  in  the  opinion  of 
some,  he  was  taken  for  a  French  minister  or  consul  ; 
by  others  for  an  emigrant  of  distinction  that  had  lost 
his  property,   for  the  sake  ol  his  title  of  nobility. 

The  Captain  hearing  these  surmises,  impelled  by 
the  natural  candour  of  his  mind,  could  not  avoid  ex- 
plaining. It  is  neither  French  minister,  nor  consul, 
said  he  ;  but  my  bog-trotter,  that  I  had  detected 
some  time  ago,  selling  drugs,  and  passing  himself 
for  a  physician.  Pie  miglit  be  qualified  to  l>e  a  horse 
doctor,  but  certainly  not  to  practice  on  the  human 
constituiion.  But  what  particularly  excited  indigna. 
t!on,  was  his  purloining  the  medicines,  taking  and 
carrying  away,  what  did  not  belong  to  him,  and  was 
aggravated  by  the  circumstance,  of  the  things  being 
ti!rov;n  into  the  open  air,  by  the  rioters  who  had  bro- 
ken  the  house,  and  dispersed  the  shop,  to  the  great 
injury  of  the  poor  apothecary  whose  property  they 
were.  I  had  taken  it  oii  myself  to  chastise  him,  con- 
sidering myself  under  obligation  to  restrain  him,  hav- 
ing been  accessary  to  his  coming  to  the  village.  And 
if  you  will  give  me  leave  gentlemen,  and  excuse  the 
time  and  place,  I  vvili  take  the  libt: rty  to  deal  a  few 
blows  at  this  instant,  as  he  cannot  conveniently  escape 
From  the  boxes  before  my  stroke  overtakes  him. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  69 

Not  giving  time  for  reflection,  or  reply  on  the  part 
of  those  presen',  he  raised  his  baton,  and  was  about 
to  strike  ;  Teague  on  the  other  hand,  had  up  his 
heart  of  oak,  also,  if  not  to  offend,  at  least,  to  de.- 
fend,  and  parry  the  stroke  ;  his  countenance  in  the 
mean  time  ari^uing  submission  :  his  words  also, 
whether  from  fear,  or  respect,  softeniiii^  and  concilia- 
tory. God  love  your  soul,  said  he,  and  be  aisy  ;  and 
not  be  after  beating  rae  before  dese  paple  dat  know 
nothing  o'  de  matter  ;  that  will  take  you  for  an 
ould  fool,  beating  and  fighting  for  nothing  :  Just 
for  making  a  copper  out  o'  de  offuls  of  a  farrier,  sel- 
ling dem  to  de  paple  when  de  mountebank  himself 
ran  off.  It  is  a  good  job  to  be  making  a  penny  in 
hard  times.  If  your  honour  will  give  me  lave,  I  will 
introduce  your  honour,  to  dese  paple  dat  have  taken 
me  for  a  French  minister.  I  tought  I  had  looked 
more  like  a  papish  Praist.  But  as  dey  know  best,  it 
is  all  de  same  lo  me.  I  will  drink  your  honour's 
health  in  a  tankard  of  ail  if  your  honour  will  plase  to 
call  for  it.  Dese  shivil  looking  strangers,  dat  I  ne- 
ver saw  before,  will  like  your  honour  better  than  kick- 
ing and  cuffing  wid  yourshalelah  and  putting  yourself 
in  a  passion  wid  a  bog-trotter,  dat  never  meant  you 
any  harm. 

The  address  seemed  reasonable  ;  and  those  pre- 
sent interfering,  the  Captain  consented  to  let  him  off, 
advising  more  honesty  and  fair  dealing  for  the  future 
But,  in  his  apology  to  the  company,  for  what  might 
seem  an  impropriety  in  behaviour,  he  was  led  to  give 
the  history  of  the  Hibernian,  and  the  circumstance  of 
his  being  in  France,  which  accounted  for  his  affect- 
ing the  French  manner,  and  occasional  attempts  at 
the  language.  This  in  the  mean  time  led  to  a  gene- 
i:al  conversation  on  the  affairs  of  France,  and  the  his- 
tory   of  the   revolution.     Observations  were   made 


^ 


ro  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

above  the  ordinary  stile  of  beer-house  conversation  ; 
and  of  which,  thout^h  expressed  in  a  desultory  man- 
ner, as  each  one  took  the  pipj  fro  in  his  mouth,  or 
listened  to  the  sut^^jesliotis  of  others,  it  may  be  worth 
while  to  give  a  sample. 

One  of  these  who  had  a  considerable  fluency  of 
ton?^ue,  and  ready  memory,  observed,  "  That  the  loss 
of  liberty  in  the  course  of  that  revolution  was  owing 
to  the  unskilfulness  of  those  who  conducted  it." 

But  in  like  siluations,  said  another,  is  it  reasonable 
to  expect  more  skill  ?  The  mass  of  the  people  con- 
ducted the  revolution,  and  is  it  in  the  nature  of  things, 
for  them  to  stop  at  a  proper  point  ? 

It  is  in  tiie  nature  of  things,  sjid  another  ;  but  it  is 
2l  rare  felicity.  It  is  natural  to  distrust  him  who  pro- 
poses to  stop  short  of  what  seems  a  complete  reform. 
The  sovereign  people  is  as  liable  to  the  impulse  ot'pas- 
sion,  and  as  open  to  the  insinuations  of  flatterers  as  an 
individual  tyrant.  Tlie  courtier  devoid  of  principle, 
in  the  democratic  hall,  gels  the  ear  of  the  populace, 
as  he  would  that  of  a  Prince,  and  abuses  it. 

I  do  not  know  well  what  a  man  can  better  do,  said 
another,  than  just  to  fall  in  with  the  current  of  opinion 
and  when  it  changes,  change  with  it.  \Ve  are  right, 
say  the  people.  You  are  right,  says  the  man  of  pru- 
dence. We  were  wrong,  say  the  people.  You  were 
wrong,  says  the  same  man.  Who  is  ever  displeased 
with  a  person  that  has  been  in  tlie  same  error  with 
himself? 

Taat  is  true  said  the  Captain  :  but  is  there  no  such 
thing  as  public  spirit  ?  Is  there  not  a  spice  of  virtue 
to  be  found  in  a  republic  ?  Who  would  not  devote 
himself  for  the  public  good?  Were  Phocion,  and 
Phiiopoemen  time  servers  ?  I  grant  that  it  is  not  the 
way  ultim  itely  to  make  friends  of  them,  and  to  have 
their  confidence.     Let  school  boys  propose  to  rob  a 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  ri 

hen-roost,  they  'will  respect  him  who  dissuade'd, 
though  it  was  not  popular,  but  incurred  the  imputuiion 
©f  cowardice,  and  a  want  of  spirit,  at  the  time.  Let 
them  rob  a  garden,  and  be  brought  to  punishment, 
they  will  revere  him  wht>  had  told  them  it  was  wrong 
but  was  hurried  along  with  them,  and  suffered  by 
their  fault.  It  is  by  these  means  that  amongst  sava- 
ges, strong  minds  obtain  the  ascendancy  and  are  trust- 
ed by  the  nalion.  Great  is  the  force  of  truth,  and  it 
will  prevail.  It  requires  great  courage  to  bear  lesti- 
mony  against  an  error  in  the  judgment  of  the  multi- 
tude ;  as  it  is  attended  with  present  disreputation. 
Yet  courage  is  virtue,  and  is  its  own  reward. 

The  great  mischief  cf  democracy  is  party,  said  an 
orator,  who  had  taken  the  pipe  from  his  teeih. 

It  is  the  great  advantage  of  it,  said  his  neighbour, 
It  is  the  angel  that  descends  at  a  certain  season  and 
troubles  the  pool  of  Bethsaida,  that  the  lame  person 
rnay  be  made  v.'hole.  Were  it  not  for  party,  ail  things 
would  go  one  v»'ay  ;  the  commonwealth  would  stag- 
nate. 

But  let  one  party  obtaip  the  ascendancy,  and  does  it 
not  come  to  the  same  thing.  All  things  will  go  one 
way  then  ;  or  rathicr  stand  still. 

Not  so,  said  the  captain  ;  no  party  can  maintain 
power  long.  The  ascendancy  carries  its  overthrow 
along  vilh  it.  The  duration  depends  upon  the  judg- 
jntntof  the  leaders  of  the  councils.  But  the  leaders, 
will  find  that  they  cannot  lead  always.  While  they 
were  struggling  up  the  ascent,  every  one  was  willing 
to  be  helped,  and  took  advice.  But  on  the  top  of  ihS 
precipice^  scampvcr  and  hoop,  and  there  is  no  restrain* 
ing  them.  A  leader  of  judgment,  will  always  find  it 
znore  difficult  to  manape  his  own  people  than  to  com- 
ifl)athis  udvtrsarifcs.     They   cannot  be  bruoght  to  halt 


72  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

at  a  proper  point  ;  and  their  errors  bring  them  clo^vn 
again,  as  those  in  power  did  before  them. 

However,  this  is  wandering  from  the  point,  said  a 
man  in  a  black  wig  ;  we  were  talking  of  the  French ; 
who  says  that  Bonaparte  did  not  usurp  the  govern- 
ment ? 

I  am  of  that  opinion,  said  the  Captain  ;  for  there 
was  no  government  to  usurp.  He  put  down  the  di- 
rectory, who  had  themselves  put  down  the  councils. 
The  banishment  to  Cayenne,  is  a  ])roof  of  this. 

I  agree  with  you,  said  an  individual  on  the  other 
side  of  the  box,  or  bench,  as  it  rather  might  be  called. 
It  was  the  Mountainards  that  runed  the  republic,  at 
the  very  time  they  were  running  down  others  under 
the  charge  of  incivicism,  and  conspiracy  against  the 
republic. 

Doubtless,  said  the  Captain  ;  It  is  in  popular  in- 
temperance, that  aristocracy,  and  despotism  have 
their  source. 

At  this  instant  the  blowing  of  a  horn  announced  the 
arrival  of  the  post  ;  the  late  papers  were  brought  iato 
».nd  aJl  began  to  read. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  Xr. 


Captain  liaving'  a  short  space  of  time  to 
spare  from  his  avocations,  and  disposed  to  take  the  air, 
had  Walked  out  and  corning  near  the  small  building 
which  served  as  a  hospital  for  the  village,  was  dispo- 
sed to  vi^iit  it  and  see  the  state  in  vvhicii  it  v.us,  with 
what  new  objects,  since  he  had  buen  absent  on  his 
peregrinations. 

He  was  shewn  by  ihe  keeper  an  extraordinary  ob- 
ject in  a  cell,  a  man  who  imav;i»ied  nimselF  a  moral 
philosopher,  deiiverin;^  leclures.  His  observations 
Were  occasionJIy  frauiijht  with  good  st  nse.  While 
the  Captani  stood,  in  the  passage  opposite  his  door,  l.e 
made  a  note  of  some  part  of  his  di-couise.  and  which, 
having  had  an  opporuinity  of  copying,  we  shall  give 
to  the  reader.  It  was  on  the  subject  of  the  resentment 
cf  injuries. 

*'  It  is  a  strange  thing,  suid  he  that  we  coni.ot  sub- 
niit  with  equcnimity  to  eviis  in  tie  morc\i  worki,  as  wc 
do  iu  the  natural.  We  expect  a  fair  day,  tiid  there 
comes  a  fotil.  Is  it  any  graiiacation  to  us,  to  biai  tlie 
air,  or  stamp  upon  the  puddle  I  Wlio  would  think  of 
giving  the  cow  skin  to  a  liuriicane  ?  Yet  the  greattst 
damage  is  bomelimes  done  by  a  bias,  ofwiud.  He 
would  be    thought   a  mudman,   and   be    sent  to  lias 

PAilT  II.  VOL.  I.  « 


f 4  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

'place,  who  was  depreherded  buffeting  a  wliiihviildvi 
even  though  it  had  torn  up  by  the  roots,  or  brolten 
down  a  fruit  tree.  He  must  be  out  of  his  senses  in- 
deed, that  Avould  have  recourse  to  a  bludgeon,  in  case 
of  an  attack  by  an  inundation.  It  would  be  a  laughing 
stock  to  see  even  a  Turk  giving  the  bastinado,  to  a 
hot  season,  or  to  cold  weather.  The  knout  to  a  Rus- 
sian winter  I  Did  the  Pope  ever  excommunicate  a 
storm  on  the  ocean  ?  What  man  is  angry  with  a 
squall  of  wind  ?  He  considers  it  as  an  evil,  and  com- 
p'^se.s  his  mind  to  the  loss  of  his  merchandize.  Is 
ingratitude  less  to  be  expected?  x^nd  yet  when  it  hap- 
pens, we  reprobate,  and  seek  revenge.  Sufferings 
from  moral  causes,  are  just  as  con»mon  as  from  natu- 
ral. And  yet  when  an  injury  is  committed  by  a  hu- 
man creature,  wx*  are  taken  by  surpiise,  and  lose  tem- 
per. Cannot  we  turn  away,  as  from  a  sudden  gust, 
and  take  shelter  under  some  one  willing  to  protect 
us,  without  thinking  more  of  the  enemy  that  had 
heaten  us,  with  his  fist,  or  abused  us  with  a  bad 
tongue  ?  The  pelting  of  a  hail  stone  nevt- r  induces 
you  to  use  hard  words,  or  to  demand  satisfaction  of 
the  atmosphere  ;  and  yet  you  will  send  a  challenge, 
and  risk  }  c/ur  own  life  to  punish  a  man  that  has  barely 
slighted  you  in  manner,  or  in  wordv.  Why  not  take 
the  other  side  of  the  road,  and  pass  him  by  as  you 
would  a  pond  of  water,  or  a  marshy  place  ?  Cannot 
we  take  the  necessary  precautions  against  calunmy,  as 
we  woilkl  against  foul  air,  without  putting  ourselves 
in  a  passim  with  the  author  of  the  defamation  any 
more  than  with  a  vapour,  or  an  exhalation  ?  Hut 
thtre  is  such  a  thing,  as  w ill  and  intention  in  the  nic- 
ITil  agent.  Is  tlas  any  thing  more  than  an  idea,  a 
matter  of  our  own  imaginations  ?  It  is  the  same  thing 
to  us  whether  there  is  a  s/hi-  in  the  winds,  or  no  fifj- 
fit  when  u  house  is  blown  down  ;  or  the  roof  carried 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  5Z 

away.  What  is  it  to  us,  whether  the  cause  thinks, 
or  docs  not  think.  We  blame  it  the  most  someiimes 
because  it  does  not  think.  We  call  in  question  the 
understanding  of  a  man  when  he  wrongs  us  ;  and  say, 
if  he  had  the  reflection  of  a  reasonable  bein.<,  he  would 
have  conducted  himself  in  a  different  manner.  And 
yet  the  consideration  that  he  had  not  rtfleciion,  does 
not  mitigate,  hut  increases  our  resentment.  Oh!  the 
inconsistency  of  human  life  and  mannets.  I  am  shut 
up  here  as  a  madman,  in  a  mad  place,  and  yet  it  ap- 
pears to  me  that  I  am  the  only  rati{>nal  being  amongst 
men,  because  I  know  that  I  am  mad,  and  acknowledge 
it,  and  the)  do  not  that  they  are  mad,  or  acknowledge 

it." 

As  far  as  my  small  judgment  p;oes,  says  an  orator, 
Tvhen  he  is  about  to  express  an  opinion  ;  and  yet  he 
does  not  think  his  judgment  email.  Ke  would  take 
it  much  amiss  if  any  one  took  him  at  his  word,  and 
\vould  say,  true  it  is,  your  judgmtni  is  bw  s.r,:all  All 
think  themselves  wise,  wise,  wise.  But  I  say,  fools, 
fools,  fools  At  this  he  threw  himsclT  down  on  hib 
couch,  and  fell  asleep. 

In  the  next  apartment  was  an  insane  person,  who 
stiled  himself  the  <'  Lay  Preacher,"  who  took  hi? 
text  as  usual:  and  began  to  preach.  Book  of  Judges, 
21.  25.  "In  those  days  there  was  no  Kins-  in  Israel  \ 
and  every  man  did  that  which  was  right  in  his  own 
eyes  » 

That  was  right,  said  a  mad  democrat,  who  was 
confined  in  a  cell  across  the  passage.  When  we  got 
quit  of  a  king,  the  same  thing  was  expected  here, 
"  that  every  man  should  do  that  which  was  right  in 
his  own  eyes  ;"  but  behold  we  are  made  to  do  that 
which  is  right  in  the  eyes  of  others.  The  law  govtrns, 
and  this  law  is  made  up  of  acts  of  assembly,  and  the 
decisions  of  the  courts  j  aTH^  a  kind  of  law  they  call 


MODERN  CIIIVALP^Y. 


tl-.c  ornmo?!^  law.     A  mart's  nose  is  just  as  much  upc»  ^^ 
tlie  g;rin(l-^V>ne  as  it  was  before  the  revolution.     It  is*' 
not   your  own  will  that   yon  must  consult ;  but  the 
will  of  others..    Down  with  all  law,  and  give  us  a  free 
govern '.r.erit,  *•  that  every  man  may  tlo  that  which  is 
right  in  his  own -eyes." 

Madman,  said  the  Preacher  ;  thou  knowest  not 
Tvhat  thou  sr.ft  St.  it  is  not  allowable  that  men  should 
do  that  which  is  right  in  ihtir  own  eyes.  A  man  is 
not  a  proper  judge  of  rip;ht  in  his  own  cause.  His 
passions  bias  bis  judiinjeiit.  He  cannot  see  tlie  right 
and  justice  of  the  case.  Tlie  want  of  a  king  in  Israel 
was  ac.coirip.-.nied  with  tlie want  of  laws.  I  do  not 
mean  to  say  that,  without  a  king  there  cannot  be 
laws.  Uut  kings  are  put  iiere  for  government,  that 
being  the  government,  at  that  period  known  in  the 
world.  For  even  a  mixed  monarchy  is  an  imjprove- 
ment  of  later  times.  The  meaning  is,  there  being 
no  government,  every  man  did  that  which  was  right 
in  his  own  eyes  ;  and  ten  to  one,  but  it  was  Hvrong  in 
the  eyes  cf  others  :  A  wild  state  of  anarchy.  A  tim.e 
for  Sampson  to  live,  that  could  knock  down  people 
with  "  :he  ja'-.v  bone  (.fan  assj" 

What  worse,  said  the  democrat,  than  amongst  us, 
where  we  see  honest  men  knocked  down  with  the 
jaiv  bones  cf  lawyers^  arguing  a  cause,  and  the  judges 
that  decide  iifion  the  case. 

Passing  on,  the  Captain  came  to  the  stair  casg, 
and  ascended  to  the  second  story ;  he  wished  to  see  a 
mad  poet  who  had  been  engaged  in  travestying  his 
travels.  He  had  the  advantage  of  a  commodious 
apaitment,  more  so,  than  some  of  those  who  have 
surpassed  him  in  his  art  in  different  places  and  peri- 
ods of  the  world.  The  poet  Bryden  was  not  so  well 
accommodated,  at  the  time  he  wrote  his  St.  Cecilia's 
Ode,  which  is  thought  to  be  the  best  of  his  camposi- 


Jk>i 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  7  7 

lions.  The  poet  that  we  have  before  us,  was  a  quiet 
man,  and  had  the  privilege  of  the  hospital,  to  go  and 
come  as  he  pleased,  but  not  to  go  without  the  walls. 
He  was  confined  here  by  his  relations  merely  as  a 
matter  of  convenience,  being  so  absent  in  mind,  that 
he  was  incapaple  of  taking  care  ol  liimself.  The 
manuscript,  in  doggerel  verse,  would  seem  to  be  suf- 
ficient to  compose  a  book,  half  as  large  as  Hudibras. 
He  was  overjoyed  to  see  the  Captain,  who  was  the 
hero  of  his  poem  ;  and  the  Captain  was  no  less  amu=> 
sed  to  see  him,  and  the  adventures  of  which  he  made 
a  part  turned  into  rhyme,  f  lis  sensations  Avere  equal- 
ly sublime  with  those  of  the  Trojan  hero,  wh'  n  he 
saw  the  war  of  Troy  in  the  paintings  hung  up  in  the 
hall  of  the  queen  of  Carthage.  The  circumotanc^; 
was  not  less  entertaining  to  him  as  the  actor,  or  ilic 
speaker  in  the  course  of  t!ie  adventures  so  recorded, 
and  he  consented  to  accept  a  copy,  not  that  he  meant 
to  give  it  to  the  press,  but  to  cast  his  eye  over  it,  for 
his  particular  amusement :  nevertheless,  the  manu- 
script having  fallen  into  our  hr.udi,  we  shall  select 
parts  of  it,  and  according  as  the  reader  Leems  to  like 
that  which  he  gets,  we  shall  give  him  more.  In  the 
mean  time  we  shall  dismisii  the  Captain  from  tlie 
hospital,  not  but  that  there  was  much  more  to  see  and 
hear  amongst  the  Bedlamites  stili,  but  affected  with 
melancholy  and  weary  of  the  scene.  At  the  same  time 
doubting  with  himself,  wiiether  those  he  saw  ccnfmed 
v/ere  more  devoid  of  reason  than  the  bulk  of  men  run- 
ning at  large  in  the  workl.  He  had  no  doubt  of  one 
being  a  lunatic  of  whom  the  keeper  made,  mention, 
but  v/hom  he  had  not  an  inclination  to  visit,  in  the  se- 
cond story  ;  for  he  was  said  to  be  employed  lookin^r 
at  the  moon,  with  a  pair  of  spectacles  which  he  took 
for  a  telescope.  For  lunacy  mear.s  mccn-i^tFuckj  and 
this  secaied  to  be  tue  case  with  Liai. 
G  2 


78  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


eilAPTER  Xllfe 


HAVING  turned  his  back  on  the  hospital, 
elicre  was  a  concourse  of  people  :  the  cry  was  a  ne\sr 
code  of  laws. 

A  new  code,  said  a  grave  man  ?  Is  not  the  oldi 
the  result  of  experience,  a  gradual  accession  of  rules 
and  regulations  in  society  ?  Begin  again,  and  you 
would  come  to  the  same  result  at  hist.  But  to  form 
laws  from  abstract  comprehension,  fitted  to  all  exigen- 
cies, is  not  within  the  compass  of  the  powers  of  man. 
It  is  sufiici^nt  if  he  can  form  a  schedule  or  plan  of 
i^overnment ;  this  is  the  outline  ,  the  interior  gyra- 
u^nsj  must  be   made  up  from  repeated  experiments. 

The  words  new  code,  were  mistaken  by  som« 
amongst  the  crowd,  for  no  code. 

No  code,  was-  re}>€ated  through  the  multitude. 

What  no  laws  at  all,  said  the  grave  man  ? 

No  laws,  was  the  outcry  immediately,  and  every 
vociferous  person  v.ishiug  to  hear  himself  speak,  and 
every  timid  person,  afraid  of  being  suspected  ofinci- 
^icism,  began  to  call  out,  no  laws. 

That  will  never  do,  said  the  grave  man,  it  were 
better  to  have  no  judges  than  to  have  no  laws,  or  at 
least  as  bad.  tor  how  can  men  judge  but  by  law.?. 
Arbitrary  discretion  is  a  blind  guide. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  n 

The  words  no  judges,  fiad  been  heard  more  dis- 
J:inctly  than  the  rest,  and  supposing  it  to  be  a  substi- 
tute for  no  laws,  voices  came  from  every  quarter  in 
support  of  the  amendment.  I  support  the  amend- 
ment ;  I  agree  to  the  substitute,  no  judges,  no 
judges. 

The  clamour  became  general,  down  with  thc 
judges. 

This  pots  ifte  in  mind,  said  the  Captain,  of  the 
sermon  of  the  Lay  Preacher.  I  should  have  no  ob- 
jection to  an  amendment  of  the  law,  or  to  new  judges 
but  no  laws,  no  judges,  is  more  than  I  had  expected 
to  have  heard  in  an  assembly  of  republicans. 

A  person  standing  by  was  struck  with  the  good 
sense  and  moderation  of  this  remark,  and  stepping 
forward,  made  his  harangue. 

I  will  not  say,  said  he,  that  T  am  for  no  judges  ;- 
But  this  I  will  say,  that  new  judges  is  a  desideratum- 
in  the  body  politic.  The  greater  part  that  v^e  have 
are  grown  gray,  and  are  as  blind  as  bats  :  they  can- 
not see  without  spectacles.     I  am  for  new  judges*. 

You  talk  of  judges,  said  the  grave  man,  as  if  it  wae 
as  easy  to  make  a  judge  of  law  as  to  make  a  bird-cage^ 
or  a  rat-trap. 

What,  said  a  merry  fellow,  shall  we  have  new- 
shoes,  new  pantaloons,  and  new  every  thing  ;  and 
shall  we  not  have  new  judges  ?  We  shall  never  do 
any  good  with  the  present  set  of  judges  on  the  bench. 

It  was  carried  that  there  should  be  new  judges. 

But  having  disposed  ot  the  old,  it  beccime  a  ques- 
tion whom  they  should  elect  for  new.  The  bog-trot=* 
ter  was  proposed  for  one,  having  had  his  name  up 
before  in  the  matter  of  the  newspaper. 

What,  my  waiter,  said  the  Captain  ?  Yes,  your 
waiter,  said  a  wag,  or  a  fool^  I  do  not  know  which. 


8®  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

You  astonish  me,  said  the  Captain.  My  waiter  a 
judge  of  the  courts.  He  will  make  sad  work  on  a 
bench  of  justice.  He  will  put  down  all  law.  He  will 
silence  all  lawyers.  He  will  have  no  law  :  no  books  ; 
no  cases  ;  all  plain  sailinj?  with  him.  Every  man  his 
own  lawyer,  state  his  own  cases,  and  speak  for  him- 
self. No  Hooks  and  Crooks  ;  no  Hawkins ;  no  Ba- 
cons ;  or  Blackstones  ;  or  VVhitestones ;  no  Strange 
cases  ;  no  law  of  evidence.  Every  man  sworn  and 
tell  what  he  knows,  whether  he  has  seen  it,  or  heard 
it,  at  second,  or  at  first  hand  :  interest  or  no  inter- 
est ;  all  the  same  ;  let  the  jury  believe  what  they 
think  proper  ;  and  the  judge  state  the  law  from  his 
thumbs  ends  without  books. 

This  is  madness,  and  here  I  have  more  trouble  on 
my  hands  with  this  bo^-trotter,  than  I  have  ever  had 
before.  It  is  a  more  delicate  matter  to  see  him  placed 
on  the  seat  of  justice,  to  administer  the  laws,  than  ta 
be  in  the  Senate  House,  and  assist  to  make  them. 
For  in  that  case  he  v/ould  be  but  a  component  mem* 
ber  of  a  great  body,  and  his  errors,  might  be  lost  in 
the  wisdom  ot  the  other  members.  But  in  the  capa* 
city  of  judge  he  is  sole,  or  with  but  a  few,  and  it  is 
an  easier  matter  to  frame  a  single  law  than  to  expound 
and  apply  a  thousand. 

Gentlemen,  said  he,  addressing  himself  to  the 
multitude,  you  will  ruin  your  administration.  You 
v^'ill  bring  disgrace  upon  it.  The  people  will  not  feel 
your  error  at  once  ;  but  they  will  feel  it  by  and  bye, 
and  vrill  dtpoae  you  who  have  been  the  most  active 
in  this  cavalcade.  That  is,  they  will  withdraw  from 
you  their  confidence.  The  abuse  of  power  leads  to- 
the  loss  of  it.  No  party  in  a  government,  can  exist 
Icng,  butby  moderruion  and  wisdom.  The  duration 
cf  flowery  ivill  ahvaya  be  in  proportion  to  the  discreet 
use  o/it.     I  am  shocked  at  your  indiscretici^.    Have 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  S\ 

r.ot  son'>e  of  yon  read  Don  Quixotte  ?  In  tlie  rapacity 
of  judge,  Sancho  Panzo  nuidc  some  shrewd  decisions; 
or  I'cither  Cervantes  made  them  for  him  ;  for,  I 
doubt  much  whether  Sancho  ever  made  one  of  thtm. 
But  who  is  there  of  you,  will  make  decisions  for 
Teague.  1  doubt  much  whether  he  v.cnid  take  rd- 
vice,  or  let  any  one  judi^e  in  his  behalf.  Besidts 
t'rat  of  a  judge  is  not  a  minis'.eui'l  office,  "ar.d  car  not 
lecrplly  be  exercised  by  deputy.  Yo\iv«ill  n  ake  pret- 
ty work  of  it  with  Teaguc  for  a  judge-.  It  may  be  iic- 
cordintij  to  the  light  of  nature  ;  but  not  accouling  to 
the  law  of  nature  that  he  will  judge.*  At  least,  not 
according  to  the  law  of  nations  :  for  horalun  inuler 
heaven  ever  had  such  a  judge.  Not  even  in  tl;e  nicst 
unenlightened  times.  If  he  had  a  knowledge  even  of 
the  old  Brehon  law,  in  his  native  country,  it  ni^ht 
be  some  help.  But  in  matters  of  meum  and  iMvw  I.e 
has  a  certain  wrong  lieade('ness  tfc^t  fiiiders  him 
from  ever  seeii  g  right.  He  thinks  always  rn  tlx 
one  side  ;  that  is  on  his  own  side.  But  what  he 
"viould  do  between  suitors,  I  am  not  so  clear,  but  I 
take  it  he  would  be  a  partial  judge.  The  roan  has 
no  principle  of  honour  oi-  honesty.  He  \i'ould  be  aa 
unjust  judge. 

Will  not  the  commission  make  him  a  judge,  ex- 
claimed one  of  the  nuiltitude. 

But  will  it  make  him  capable  of  judging,  said  the 
Captain  ? 

Why  not,  said  a  boisterous  man.  What  else 
qualifies  or  makes  fit.  Can  the  most  sensible  man, 
or  the  most  learned  person,  judge  without  a  com- 
mission ? 

Doubtless  that  is  the  authority,  said  the  Captain. 
But  still  the  capacity. 

Capuciiy  1  Said  a  man,  with  a  bit  out  of  the  one 
side  of  the  membrane  of  his  nose,  snivelling  in  hia 


8t  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

speech  ;  capacity !  Give  me  the  commission,  and  1 
will  shew  you  the  capacity.     Let  me  see  wlio  will 

dare  to  question  my  capacity. 

Such  a  burlesque,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  tends  na- 
turally to  the  overthrow  of  justice.  For  able  and  con- 
scientious men  will  withdraw  from  a  degraded  station. 
Intrii;ue,  \iorse  than,  perhaps,  the  arm  oi  flesh  itself, 
will  come  to  be  employtd  in  the  management  of  caus- 
es. Security  of  person,  property,  and  reputation,  the 
great  end  of  civil  institutions,  will  be  rendered  preca- 
rious. The  security  of  them  depends  upon  fixed  and 
known  rules,  as  well  as  the  application  of  them.  It 
is  not  an  easy  matter  to  attain  a  knowledge  of  these 
rules.  The  laws  of  a  sing!e  game  at  school,  or  of 
such  as  employ  manhood,  in  an  hour  of  amusement, 
is  a  thing  of  labour  to  acquire.  The  law  pailiamen- 
tary  ;  or  rules  of  a  legislative  body,  is  not  learnt  in  a 
day.  And  yet  without  a  knowledge  of  it,  there  is  a 
want  of  order,  as  viell  as  dispatch  in  business.  The 
laws  of  municipal  regulation  in  a  community,  laws 
of  external  structure,  and  internal  police,  are  not  at- 
tainable with  the  celerity  of  a  moments  warning. 
But  when  we  come  to  the  rules  of  property,  the  laws 
of  tenure  and  of  contract,  a  field  opens,  that  startles 
the  imagination.  Even  the  study  of  years,  makes 
but  a  sciolist.  But,  you  will  say,  lay  aside  rules. 
Let  all  decisions  spring  from  the  dictates  of  common 
sense  applied  to  the  particular  case  before  the  judge. 
But  the  mere  arbitrary  sense  of  right  and  wrong,  is 
an  unsafe  standard  of  justice.  A  free  government,  is 
a  government  of  laws.  A  Cadi  or  a  Mufti  are  tolera- 
ble only  in  despotic  countries.  You  are  destroying 
your  republic  by  undermining  the  independence,  and 
respectability  of  your  judiciary,  it  is  that  branch  of 
the  government,  on  which  liberty  most  essentially 
depends. 


-^^ 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  88 

The  multitude  seemed  to  be  but  little  moved  by 
these  observations,  which  made  it  necessary  for  the 
Captain  to  try  what  could  be  done  with  the  bog-trot- 
ter liimself,  to  dissuade  him  from  accepting  the  ap* 
pointment.  Accordingly,  taking  him  aside,  he  spoke 
to  him  as  follows  : 

Teague,  said  he,  will  there  be  no  end  of  your 
presumption  ?  I  take  it  to  be  a  great  error  of  educa- 
tion in  our  schools,  and  colleges,  that  ambition  is 
encouraged  by  the  distribution  of  honours,  in  consi- 
deration of  progress  in  letters  ;  that  one  shall  be 
declared  the  first  scholar  in  languages,  another  in 
mathematics.  It  is  sufficient  that  the  fact  be  so 
without  announcing  it.  Tlie  self-love  of  the  student 
will  find  it  out  himstlf,  without  information,  and  hi* 
fellows  will  be  ready  lo  acknowledge  it,  provided  that 
it  is  not  arrogated,  or  a  demand  made  that  it  be  for- 
mally acknowledged.  For  this  takes  away  the  friend- 
siap  of  others,  and  corrupts  ihe  moral  feelings  of  the 
•uccessful  competitor  himself.  Ambiiion  sprmgs  up, 
that  accursed  root  which  poisons  the  world.  Now, 
you  cannot  lay  your  ambiiion  to  the  charge  of  schools 
or  colleges  :  for,  you  have  never  been  at  any  semi- 
nary whatever,  as  far  as  I  understand,  if  I  may  guesa 
from  your  want  of  attainments  in  academic  studies ; 
and  yet  notwithstanding  you  have  nevt- r  been  in  the 
way  of  the  distinction  of  grades,  and  prizes,  and  lite- 
rary honours  ;  you  have  discovered  an  ambition  of  a 
lull  grown  size,  even  at  this  early  period  ot  your  life. 
It  must  be  a  bad  nature  that  has  generated  this  pre- 
posterous aiming  and  stretching  at  promotion.  A 
wise  man  will  weigh,  what  he  undertakes  ;  what  his 
shoulders  can  bear,  and  what  they  cannot.  He  will 
consider  whether  the  office  is  fit  for  him,  or  whctiitr 
he  is  fit  for  the  office.  He  will  reflect  that  the  shade 
U  oftentimes  the  most  dcsiiitble  situation.     Do  you 


S4  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

see  that  bird  upon  the  tree  there  ?    It  builds  its  nest 
with  care,  and   endeavours  to   render  it  convenient. 
But  does  it  build  it  on  the  topmost  bough,  exposed 
to  the  sun,  and  the  heavy  rain  ;  or  rather  does  it  not 
choose  an  inferior  branch  in  the  thickest  of  tlie  um- 
brage ?  Take  a  lesson  from  the  fowls  of  heaven,   and 
the  brutes  of  the  field.  It  is  not  the  elevation  of  place, 
but  the  convcniency  of  accommodation  that  governs 
them.     Ambition  is  an  accursed  germe  of  eviJ  in  the 
human   mind.     It  is  equally  destructive  of  the   hap- 
piness of  the  possessor  and  of  tliat  of  others.     You  a 
republican,  and  yet  destitute  of  republican  viitue,  the 
basis  of  which  I  take  to  be   humUiiy  and  adf-daiial. 
W^re  I  the  master  of  an  academy,  the  fiist,  and  con- 
tinual   lesson    would    be,  to   attain    science,  and   be 
learned  \  but  as  to  seeming  so,  to  co.isiderit  d"ipf  no 
account.     Science '-ivould  discover  itself .    The  possess- 
in,^  knowled.^e  would  be  its  own  reward.      I'he  con- 
cealment of  all  self-knowledge  of  this  advantasTe,  not 
only  consUtutes   the  decent  and  the  bcicoming  in  life, 
but  lays  the  foundation  of  emolument  m  the ^oid  nvill 
of  others.     \\  may  be  pardonable  in  early  age  to  have 
pride  in   the  adv  ullage    of  bodily    fr>rm  ;  but  we  call 
in  question  the  modesty  of  a  youth,   m  ile  or  female, 
"wlio  seems  to  set  an   inordinate  value,  on  a  limb  or  a 
feature.      How  much  less  tolerable,  the  pride  of  iwu- 
tal  superiority       But  of  all  tilings    under  heaven  the 
luost  contensptible,  and  the  least  sufferable,  is  that  of 
incompetency  to  a  trust,  and  the  aspiring  to  a  place, 
ire  \v:iich  the  candidate  is  not  qualified  ;     or,   even  if 
qM  ii^ied,  against    modesty,  and  the  claims  of  others. 
It  brin^>;s  a  man  to  Ik;  the  subject  of  a  laugh,  and  ridi- 
cule.    Do   you  know    that  tiie  mak.ing  you  a  judge, 
was    but  a  fnrce,  in  the  manner    that   Smcho   Parj- 
zo   w.is  adviiT-ed  to  a  government.      You   have  read 
the  VioTi  Qui^olte  of  Cervantes,  I  presume.     But 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  «5 

what  do  I  say  ;  you  read  D^n  Quixotte  I  you  have 
read  nothinij  ;  and  yet  you  would  be  a  judge.  Am- 
bition, I  tell  you.  is  an  evil.  You  have  read  of  JuUus 
Caesar,  in  the  Raman  history.  Ai;-ain  I  foro;et  my- 
self. You  h  ive  read  nothins^.  But  I  may  tell  you  of 
him.  What  was  the  purple  to  him  compared  with 
losiii^  the  aff;ictions  of  his  countrymen  ?  rhout^h,  by 
the  byt,  there  is  some  reason  to  think  that  it  was 
neck  or  nothin^^  witli  him,  and  t'tat  self-piescrvation 
made  it  necessarv  to  usurp  the  empire,  thin.^^s  having 
come  to  that  state  at  Rome,  that  it  he  did  not  usurp, 
another  would.  B  it  a  ^oud  republican,  and  a  virtu- 
ous man,  would  ratner  fall,  than  save  his  life,  at  the 
expence  of  the  riv^tits  of  others.  But  it  siips  my  me- 
ino'-y  that  1  am  talkini^  to  a  bo,^-Liotter.  There  is 
no  makini^  a  bi-k  purse  out  of  a  sow's  ear.  Suppose 
you  were  made  a  judi^e  ;  in  this  hurly  burly  of  tlie 
public  mind,  would  you  -  st  indin.^^  be  secure,  even 
with  the  most  p.rlc^ct  competency  for  the  place  ?  You 
would  not  stand  two  throws  of  a  weuver'l  shuttle. 
Your  chair,  under  you,  would  b^  like  an  <,^ld  piece  of 
furni'ure  bou;,>:iit  at  a  vendue,  pm  to^^etlier  for  sal^  ; 
the  2;lucing  i;one,  and  the  joints  bioken.  It  would 
fal!  before  it  had  felt  half  your  wei,^ht,  and  leave  yoti, 
with  your  backside  upon  tlie  floo;'.  New  judt^es  to- 
day and  the  public  mind  would  have  dt-sirtd  u\.w 
judf^es  to-morrow.  Consider  th?  physical  consequence 
of  bein^^  broken  from  the  bench  Take  my  word  it 
is  not  a  common  breakiufj;  this  ;  it  wiii  affjct  youi* 
frame  at  every  chaiii^e  of  the  weather.  It  will  make 
an  almanac  of  your  whole  system  It  will  make  your 
joints  ache.  It  will  be  wcse  than  a  sni.iin  in  the  r>n- 
cle  ;  or  a  rheumatism  i  i  ihe  Jimbs  ;  or  a  st  iatica  in 
the  smdl  of  the  back.  It  will  give  you  acholic  every 
new  moon,  and  take  away  your  €ieep  at  midniirht.  It 
will  t^ivc  you  the  jaundice  ;  and  hurt   your  compicx- 

PART  II.  VOL.  I.  H 


SG  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ion.  Your  eyes  will  becorae  yellow,  and  your  cheeks 
green.  You  v/iil  lobe  your  appetite  ;  and  not  be  able 
to  cat,  even  when  you  can  get  it.  Why  man  ;  it 
Nviil  blister  your  feet,  and  break  your  shins.  It  will 
bring  you  to  death's  door,  before  you  have  lived  half 
your  days. 

By  de  holy  poker,  said  Teague,  I  will  be  no  judge, 
if  d?.t  is  de  v.ay  of  it.  Dey  may  judge  for  demselves; 
I  will  be  no  judge.  De  devil  a  judge  will  I  be  ;  I 
would  sooner  dig  turf  or  be  a  horse  jockey  at  fairs  in 
Ireland,  dan  be  a  judge  en  dose  terms  j  so  dey  may 
make  ^hom  dey  please  a  judge  for  mc. 


! 


i 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.       67 


CHAPTER  XHI. 


eONTAIXIXG    CSSERVATIOXS. 

TO  Speak  seriously  upon  the  subject,  I  doiibt 
much,  whether  in  the  present  commercial  state  of 
society,  and  where  property  is  not  held  in  common, 
people  would  be  safe  and  prosperous  witl-cut  law  al- 
together.    I  CIO  not  kr.ow  wlicther,  even  lawyers  are 


read  avithorities,  to  sliew  that  they  have  read,  and  the 
older  to  prove  that  they  have  not  forgoUen.  I  would 
alio V,' ninety  nine  cases  out  of  an  hundred,  that  have 
■nothing  to  do  with  the  matter;  but  the  citint;  five 
hundretl  ca^cs,-  not  one  of  which  is  any  thing  to  the 
purpose,  is  cart'vir.g  it  to  an  excess  which  in  strict- 
ness caniiot  be  justified.  It  takes  uptime,  and  is  not 
paying  a  pro|>er  respect  to  the  common  sense  of  the 
country.  A  little  original  reason  and  reflection  of  the 
advocate  himself  mip;ht  answer  the  purpose  in  some 
cases.  The  reason  of  a  man's  own  raising,  may  be 
as  good  as  that  which  is  bought  at  market. 


as  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

What  is't  t'  us, 

Though  it  ^ve^e  said  by  Trisinegistus  ? 

Not  that  I  mean  to  ui'dt rvalue,  much  less  to  lay 
aside  altogether,  the  assistance  of  bonowed  reason, 
and  the  auxiliary  deduciions  of  other  mtn,  whether 
on  this  side  the  water  or  beyond  it.  But  there  is 
such  a  thing  as  being  en'J^ved  to  authoiiiies,  or  at 
least,  loadint^  tlse  argument  with  too  njuch  incum- 
brance of  quolatior.s.  It  di-ptnds  a  good  deal  upon 
the  counenance  given  by  the  court  to  such  a  lumber 
drawn  troui^oid  books  ;  yet  the  correcting  it  recjuires 
an  infinity  of  care,  lest  you  lose  the  advantage&  of 
recuriin^  to  first  piincipie«*. 

Antiques  recludere  t'ontes.  The  profound  divine 
reads  tlie  commtntators  and  thence  assists  (he  com- 
ments which  he  makes  hiniself.  The  avoiding  one 
error  leads  into  a  worse. 

Fuga  Culpgc, 

In  vitium  ducit. 

In  tearing  up  the  darnel,  the  wheat  Uiay  come 
"with  it.     'J'he  books  nuist  be  read. 

Nocturna  manu,  versate  diurna. 

But  in  an  argumert,  I  value  more  the  judgment 
of  selection,  tiian  the  labour  of  collecting.  It  is  a 
flattering  thing  to  a  court,  to  take  it  for  granted,  that 
they  understand  first  principles  ;  and  c\en  a  jury  are 
not  displeased  when  you  seem  to  suppose  in  the  sum- 
ming up  the  evidence,  and  the  remarks  upon  it,  that 
they  themselves  can  see  a  thing  that  is  as  plain  as  a 
pike-stafl.  Hence,  long  speaking,  and  an  over-mi- 
nute investigation,  is  sometimes  odious.  Or  to  at- 
tempt to  make  them  believe  what  cannot  be  believed, 
makes  a  man  sick,  provided  he  is  not  disposed  to 
laugh.  This  depends  a  good  deal  on  the  natural 
playfulness  of  his  mind  or  the  mood  in  which  he  is, 
fiom  the  want  of  food,  or  sleep.     I  excuse  the  people 


MODERN  GHlVALRV.  89 

shewing  a  dissatisfaction  to  the  trial  by  jury,  under 
the  pleadings  of  advocates,  wUen  the  harangues,  in 
an  evening  are  like  to  prove  eternal.  When  the 
strean\  of  the  orator  turns  upon  itself ;  visits  the 
ground  that  it  had  left,  and  is  unwilling  to  quit  the 
enchanted  borders  of  the  argument. 

Yet,  I  think,  all  things  considered,  tliat  tliere  Is 
some  use  in  courts  of  justice  ,*  and  that  it  would  not 
consist  with  antient  habits,  to  lay  them  aside  all  at 
once.  Liberty  has  been  accustomed  to  them.  I  do 
not  find  that  sJie  has  ever  done  without  them.  Where- 
ver she  comes,  she  seems  to  call  for  them. 

There  is  a  stvunge  coincidence  between  liberty, 
and  an  established  jurisprudence.  Whether  it  be 
matter  of  accident,  or  a  connection  in  the  natural  ex- 
istence, may  deserve  investigation.  To  give  tie  de- 
vil his  due,  there  is  a  good  deal  of  pains  taken  m  the 
courts  to  secure  a  fair  trial,  in  the  empanneiing  the 
jurors,  and  the  admissibility  of  evidence,  v/hether 
oral  or  written.  As  to  the  protecting  the  suitors  from 
each  otlier,  and  what  is  called  i/ie  corisegumiial  con^ 
tejnpt,  it  is  a  matter  too  delicate  to  touch  upon,  and 
■we  shall  pass  it  by.  .But  it  seems  to  me  that  the 
peace  is  better  kept,  than  if  there  were  no  courts  at 
all,  and  no  protection  given  to  the  parties,  relative  to 
the  matter  in  question,  even  out  of  doors.  However, 
this  I  leave  to  the  consideration  of  the  p^nident. 

Some  are  of  opinion  that  it  would  be  better  ro  argue 
all  matters  of  meum,  or  tuum,  in  the  public  papers, 
or  in  hand-bills  posted  upon  trees.  The  prir.c  ipal  ob- 
jection I  see  to  this,  is  that  the  suitors  waxing  warm 
in  the  controversy,  w^ould  call  one  another  names  and 
come  to  blows.  A  great  deal  of  ill-blood  between 
neigiibours  might  shew  itself.  Kow  couid  you  keep 
lawyers  from  writing  in  the  gazettes,  any  more  than 
from  speaking  at  the  bar  ?  And  here,  their  jargon  re- 
H  2 


30  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

duced  to  paper,  would  spread  wider,  and  have  rn<!ire 
permanence  than  floarmg  on  the  atmosphere  with 
v/hich  their  breath  hud  mixed  it  in  the  first  instance. 
The  theories  of  inj^enious  rnen  are  not  to  be  discourajj- 
cd  ;  yet  it  is  not  to  be  taken  for  r^ranted  that  every 
theory  that  is  phiLisible,  i^  practicable  ;  and  will  be 
found  1,0  answer  the  expectations  of  the  most  deliber- 
ate projector. 

The  independence  of  jud.L^es,  is  a  favourite  theme 
wilh  the  judiciary  themselves.  And  doubtless  there 
is  some  reason  on  their  side.  For  the  Scripture 
says,  "  M^  /car  of  man  brings  ih  a  snare  ;^'  and  the 
nvan  that  has  most  iniluence,  in  elections,  is  likely  to 
be  ^xiO'A  feared  by  an  elective  offcer.  It  would  not  be 
a  state  co^.ducive  to  justice  ;  that  in  g-ivin(^  judgment, 
the  judge  sliouid  be  under  the  temptation  to  be  look- 
\v\%  about,  and  turninc^  in  his  mind,  the  probability 
of  beiUi^  turned  out  in  ccin sequence  of  the  judgment 
he  w:is  then  to  .^Ive  :  whether  John  O^Nokes,  or  Jolin 
O'Stiles  were  to  be  the  next  raembeio  of  tlie  Legisla- 
tive ]>ody.  But  this  supposes  judges  fallible,  and 
subject  to  the  weakness  of  human  nature,  which  is 
not  to  be  supposed  at  alL 

But  if  you  t'onfir  independence  any  more  than  in  3 
miriisterial  Ouber,  t'le  jud>;e  becomes  impudent. 
Power  corrupts.  It  is  na^urcd  to  count  too  much 
upon  a  man's  standing.  Every  one  overrates  his  own 
importance  ;  much  more  his  own  services.  Self-love, 
and. self-consequence  swells,  and  produces  Ofdemat- 
ous  tfl'-icts.  Tiie  man  that  has  given  his  vote  at  an 
election,  or  written  a  paper,  will  conceive  that  he  has 
turned  the  election  ;  that  day  ligJit  sfirings  because  he 
Ici^  croak' d.  He  will  denounce  the  man  that  differs 
fr-M"»i  him,  as  swerving  from  the  faith  ;  the  orthodoxy 
of  the  creed  ;  making  no  allowance  for  the  different 
oi-^mizatlon   of   the   brain,  and   tlie   conceptip:i   of 


MODERN  CHIVALRV.  ,  1 

tiling's.  How  miich'mord  ifftt>rerjtnt  is  a  man  like  to 
be,  that  conceives  himself  fixed  in  a  Seat  lor  an  inter- 
in  inable  period. 

There  is  such  a  thing  as  tyranny  in  judges  ;  and  I 
am  na  enemy  to  the  investimation  of  oflicial  conduct. 
But  let  the  power  paramount,  the  people  take  care 
that  they  exercise  not  tyranny  themselves  ;  or  i;ive 
way  to  passion,  which  even  in  a  body  politic,  is  possi- 
ble. Let  the  sovereii^n,  like  that  of  all  the  earth,  do 
justice  ;  and  consider  that  the  possession  of  power  is 
upheld  by  justice. 

But  as  to  the  notion  of  some,  that  law,  lawyers,  and 
judges,  might  be  laid  aside  altogether  ;  I  doubt  aa 
ah'cady  hinted,  the  good  [policy  of  this.  At  least  t!ie 
experiment  may  be  premature.  RcpubJican  princi- 
ples have  purified  the  wovid  a  good  deal  ;  hut  I  do 
not  know  that  it  is  just  come  to  this,  that  men  are 
universally  virtuous.  Some  vestiges  of  tl-.atironage 
yet  remam.  The  old  man  of  federalism  enters  yet  a 
little  into  our  diiuiini^s  with  each  other.  I  admiUhat 
public  offices  are  pretty  well  purged  ;  but  there  are 
unfair  transactions  yet  spoken  of  among  the  multi- 
tude.  It  may  be  too  soon  yet  to  abolish  all  J.w,  and 
jurisprudence.  I  admit  that  courts  of  law  are  a  ciieck. 
upon  the  freedom  of  the  press,  and  1  excuse  the  pub- 
lishers of  gazettes,  in  their  zeal  to  have  them  over- 
thrown, or  at  least  reduced  to  fear  and  subordination. 
Because  it  is  drawing  all  things  to  their  own  exami- 
nation. But  are  they  sure  that  they  are  good  repub- 
licans in  this  ?  Or,  indeed  that  they  consult  tiitii-  ov.n 
security  in  the  event  of  this  licence  For  prostrciLe 
the  courts,  and  the  cudgel  prostratbs  themselves. 
While  they  are  pushing  at  a  judge,  they  are  preparing 
the  way  for  some  robust  man  in  due  time,  to  push  at 
them.  With  different  weapons  it  is  true,  lor  the 
weapons  of  the  press,  are  spiritual,   or  of  the  mind  j 


92  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

but  that  of  the  bludgeon  is  corporal,  and  made  of 
wood,  or  some  other  material  of  a  solid  substance. 
It  is  not  the  interest  of  a  printer  that  a  judge  be  ren- 
dered timid,  by  persecution  ;  for  he  stands  between 
thecudgelist,  orpugelistin  a  controversy  with  theman 
of  types.  Thus  the  freedom  of  the  press,  is  supported 
by  the  laws,  and  by  the  due  enforcement  of  them.  Yet 
it  is  natural  for  a  man  at  first  view,  to  think,  that  if 
there  were  no  courts,  he  could  write  with  less  re- 
straint. He  could  make  every  man  tributary  to  his 
opinion  ;  or  to  his  measures  ;  for  if  he  did  not  libel,  he 
could  tljreaten  to  libel,  and  compel  a  submission. 

It  seems  to  me  that  a  poor  man  is  safer  in  a  coun* 
try  of  laws,  than  in  one  without  laws.  "  For  wealth 
maketh  many  friends  ;"  and  I  do  not  hear  any  com- 
■  plaints  that  the  rich  are  favoured  in  the  courts.  But, 
that  maj  be  owing  to  the  mode  of  trial,  which  is  in 
the  face  ot  the  world,  and  where  lawyers  are  suffered 
to  make  as  free  with  the  character  and  conduct  of  a 
rich  rogue  in  a  cause,  as  with  one  of  a  more  circum- 
scj'ibed  estate.  This  last  is  one  argument  I  have 
jast  hit  upon,  in  favour  of  lawyers  ;  and  I  find  my- 
self well  disposed  to  give  thern  a  lift  when  I  can  with 
propriety.  For  though  I  would  be  willing  to  muzzle 
them  a  little  in  their  speeches  ;  yet  I  do  not  wish  to 
see  ihem  run  down  altogether. 

/  F'ortitude  is  a  requisite  qualification  in  a  judge.  It 
I  requires  resolution  to  preserve  order  at  the  bar;  over- 
'  awe  petulance  ;  arrest  impertinence  in  manners,  or 
in  argument  ;  suppress  side-bar  conversation  ;  and 
render  the  pr.TCticc  tolerable  to  practitioners  of  mild 
and  modest  demeanor  ;  of  delicate  and  gentle  dispo- 
sition ;  of  scrupulous  honour,  and  liberality  in  the 
conduct  of  a  suit,  or  management  in  courts.  Reso- 
lution is  necessary  to  decision  unequivocal  and  satis- 
factory, unawed  by  forensic  opinion  or  the  influence 
of  individuals.     It  is  dangerous  therefore  to  sap  this 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  93 

spirit  of  independence,  by  the  precarious  tenure  of 
the  office,  while  at  the  same  time  the  right  of  the 
citizen  is  examined,  and  the  power  of  the  court  con- 
sidered in  its  latitude  and  operation.  All  I  mean  to 
say,  is,  thnt  the  examination  of  the  judicial  conduct  is 
a  high  trust,  in  the  view  of  an  enlightened  public, 
and  answerable  to  the  present  time,  iiud  to  posterity, 
for  the  consequences, 


34      MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 


WHAT  is  the  reason  of  the  fluctuations  of 
parties  in  republics  ? 

The  reasons  are  many.     Bat  one   is  the  unskilful 
driving  of  the  state  carriage,  by  those  who  get  pbs- 
seswon  of  the  curricle      Pnuelon»  you  know,  though 
lie  had  the  best'  advice  from  his  father 
In  medio  tutissimus  ibis. 

The  middl«£^w<ty  is  th-j  besi^  ytt  before  the  middle 
of  the  day>  he  had  z.-t  the  earth  on  firC;  Thd  ptopie 
are  always  honesty  but  otteniimeB  the  instiaiments  of 
their  own  servitude  ;  by  distrust  where  they  oiig-ht  to 
have  confidence,  and  confidence  where  they  ouc^ht  to 
have  distrust.  The  bulk  cannot  have  perfect  inform- 
ation J  and  that  r^'ach  of  thought  which  observation, 
and  experience  i^ives.  They  must  trust  a  good  deal 
to  others  in  tiie  science  of  government,  find  the  ex- 
pediency of  public  measures  ;  and  it  depends  upon 
those  whom  they  do  trust,  whether  the  pov/er  of  a 
party  is  long  lived,  or  sliort.  All  depends  vpon  the 
wisdom,  and  integrity  of  those  that  lead.  What  ruin- 
ed the  federal  administration,  but  the  intemperance 
of  driving.  The  upri^^fht  disapproved,  and  the  pru- 
dent forsook  it.  The  un-^kilhd  pilots  were  not  a"vare 
of  an  undercurrent  that  had  bf.9,un  to  set.    Extren"\es 


MODERN  CHIVALRY,  95 

will  always  beg^t- the  same  effect ;  and  like  the  ten- 
sicn  of  a  chord,  produce  a  return  in  a  contrary  uirec* 
(ion.  Judgment,  how  far  to  go,  and  where  to  stop, 
is  the  threat  secret.  Trained  shaft  horses,  that  will 
back  down  the  inclined  plane  of  a  hill,  ^re  excellent 
in  a  team.  Younglings,  though  mettlesome,  and  ge- 
nerous, are  apt  to  draw  too  fast,  upon  a  declivity  or 
even  on  a  plain. 

For  that  reason,  I  caiuipt  say,  that  I  am  favourable 
to  a  change  of  representatives  every  year,  even  when 
what  has  been  done,  does  notah-ogether  please  me. 
Because  experience  is  a  great  softner  of  the  mind  ;  it 
gives  knowledge.  A  rnan  aRer  some  times  begins  to 
understand  the  game,  and  to  find  out  who  it  is  that 
takes  a  lead  with  a  view  to  some  object  of  his  own. 
That  may  be  unfuUiomable  in  tlie  early  breaking  of 
the  businessj  and  yet  come  out  at  last.  Or  a  man  may 
comt  to  see  Ids  oiun  crrcr^  and  profit,  by  the  recollection. 

But  how  will  i^.n  honest  man  in  a  deliberate  body, 
know  what  to  trust  but  his  own  judgment  ?  Nothing. 
Then  let  him  think  humbly,  dliigently,  extensively, 
distrusting  pre-c-onceivcd  opinions,  and  laying  his 
mind  open  to  the  light  of  truth.  Yet  there  may  be 
some  rules  to  guide  \i\^  judgment.  Such  as  trusting 
the  judgment  of  others  who  have  had  e:iperience  in 
the  scit;nce,  or  establishment,  relative  to  which,  the 
question  is  agitated,  or  the  measure  proposed.  Every- 
one is  to  be  trusted  in  that  thhig,  of  which  he  has 
some  knowledge. 

That  man  is  to  be  trusted  who  is  free  from  the 
imputation  of  inordinate  selfislmess  in  private  life* 
You^wiiliind  sin  drustthat  is  fonder  of  the  art  than  the 
emoluments.  Tnere  are  men  that  conned  the  pub- 
lic good  wiLli  their  own  happiness  ;  generous  spit-its 
Who  nr.nifest  this  by  their  disinteresiedness  in  ordi- 
nary transactions.     This  is  a  good  sign,  and  ought  to 


9^  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

inspire  confidence  in  their  a.s^ency,  in  public  matters. 
The  man  ihat  covets  good  ivill  more  than  money,  and 
the  praise  of  benevolence,  more  than  that  of  private  gain, 
has  some  soul  in  him,  and  other  things  equal,  is  to  be 
trusted  befoi  e  him  of  a  contracted  spirit,  and  self-love 
in  all  his  actions. 

But  after  all,  things  will  take  their  course  ;  and  no 
party  in  a  repu1)Iic  will  retain  power  always,  because 
they  will  abuse  it;  but  the  duration  of  power  in  an 
elective  government,  will  depend  considerably  upon 
the  being  able  to  distinguish  between  vigour  and  mpf 
4eration. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  97 


CHAPTER  XV. 


CONTAINING    OBSERVATIONS. 

THERE  is  a  natural  alliance  between  liberty 
and  letters.  Men  of  letters,  are  seldom  men  of 
wealth,  and  these  naturally  ally  themselves  with  the 
democratic  interest  in  a  commonwealth.  These  form 
a  balance  with  the  bulk  of  the  people,  against  power, 
springing  from  family  interest,  and  large  estates.  It 
is  not  good  policy  in  republicans  to  declare  war  a- 
gainst  letters  ;  or  even  to  frown  upon  them,  for  in  li- 
terary men  is  their  best  support.  They  are  as  neces- 
sary to  them  as  light  to  the  steps.  They  are  a  safe 
auxiliary  ;  for  all  they  want  is,  to  have  the  praise  of 
giving  information.  The  study  of  p(»Iidcal  law,  and 
municipal  jurisprudence  qut.Iifics  t.>  inform,  and  hence 
at  the  commencement  of  the  Amtrican  revolution, 
lawyers  were  the  first  to  f;ive  the  alarm  and  assert 
Ihe  rights  of  the  people.  Shall  we  forget  the  recent 
services  o^  lawyers  in  the  framing  the  federal,  and 
slate  constitutions  ?  The  name  of  lawyer  ought  not 
to  be  hunted  down,  because  there  are  ciiaracters,  un- 
worthy of  the  profession,  with  whom  the  love  of 
money  is  inordinate,  and  insatiable, 

PART  II.  VOL.  I.  I 


^ir 


£>S  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

There  is  ground,  for  the  regret,  that  literary  in- 
stitutions are  not  favoured  ;  that  it  lias  become  a  po- 
pular thing  to  call  out  against  learning,  as  not  neces- 
sary to  make  republicans.  The  knowledge  of  our 
rights,  and  capacity  to  prosecute,  and  defend  them, 
does  not  spring  from  the  groimd  ;  but  from  educati- 
on, and  study.  Under  a  federal  government ;  \v^e  are 
peculiarly  situated.  We  stand  in  need  of  law,  learn- 
ing, and  legal  abilities  to  support  ourselves  in  a  con- 
test with  tlie  claims  of  the  general  government,  which, 
as  it  bounds  the  state  jurisdiction,  must  in  the  nature 
of  tilings  encroach  upon  it.  It  is  of  great  moment, 
"with  a  view  to  this  very  object  that  our  judiciary  be 
composed  of  able  men,  tliat  under  the  concurrent 
juiisdiction  of  the  courts,  it  may  be  able  to  hold  its 
own;  or  more  especially,  that  from  a  want  of  confi- 
('ence  in  the  abilities  of  the  state  judges,  recurrence 
may  not  be  had  to  the  tribunals  of  the  United  States, 
by  leL>i;iriiate  election,  or  by  those  collusions  against 
wiiich  it  is  difiicuit  to  guard. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  99 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


THE  rumour  had  prevailed,  that  the  judges 
had  been  broke. 

Is  it  upon  the  wheel  ?  Said  a  learned  man  ;  for  he 
did  not  think  it  could  be  with  the  bow-btiing  that  they 
had  been  punished  ;  for  that  is  the  mode  towards 
public  officers,  in  the  dominions  of  the  Grand  Seip^ni- 
or  ;  nor  did  he  think  it  could  have  been  with  ihe 
knout  or  bastinado  ;  as  that  is  usual  only  in  Russia, 
and  makes  a  part  of  the  penal  code,  at  the  discretion  of 
the  Czar. 

Not  upon  the  wheel,  said  a  by-stander  ;  they  are 
not  broke  in  that  sense  of  the  word.  It  is  but  a  re- 
moval from  office, that  is  intended  by  the  word,  broke; 
and  not  the  breaking  of  the  back,  or  the  limbs,  or  any 
part  of  the  body. 

Why  break  them  ?  said  the  learned  man,  even  in 
that  sense  of  the  word.     That  is  remove. 

Because  they  gave  a  wrong  judgment,  said  the  by- 
stander. 

There  could  na  be  a  better  reason,  Sc.id  a  Scotch 
gentleman,  it  is  contrary  to  the  very  end  o'  their 
creation. 

Why  not  reverse  their  judgment  ?  said  the  scl.o- 
lav. 


:qo  modern  chivalry. 

Because  it  is  better  to  reverse  themselves,  said 
the  Scotch  gentleman  ;  and  let  them  and  their  judg- 
ment a'  go  thegether. 

At  saying  this,  a  person  came  in  who  gave  intel- 
ligence, that  the  4th  of  July  being  about  to  be  cele- 
brated, the  people  had  made  choice  of  Teague  0*Re- 
gan,  the  Captain's  man,  to  deliver  an  oration,  on  this, 
the  anniversary  of  our  independence,  and  to  draw  up 
the  toasts. 

Will  absurdities  never  cease  ?  said  the  Captain, 
in  a  free  government.  My  bog-trotter  chosen  to  de- 
liver an  harangue,  in  commemoration  of  the  men,  and 
measures,  of  our  great  national  contest  !  It  is  for  the 
celebration  of  the  festival.     Astonishing  1 

Teague,  said  he,  I  could  have  put  up  with  the 
great  variety  of  functions  to  which  you  have  been 
proposed  ;  or  liave  proposed  yourself  ;  even  that  of  a 
judge  of  the  courts  of  law  ;  as  being  matters  of  a 
mere  secular  nature,  and  forensic  concern  ;  but  to  be 
the  organ  of  the  celebration  of  a  festival,  which  has 
become  in  a  manner  sacred,  by  the  cause  to  which  it 
is  consecrated,  is  beyond  all  endurance  ;  and  as  to  the 
drawing  up  toasts,  or  sentiments  for  the  day,  you  are 
Incompetent.  You  may  be  equal  to  the  fabrication 
of  a  common  place  allusion  to  the  prevailing  cry,  and 
make  it  the  voice  cf  the  occasion,  as  for  instance,  to 
give  a  slap  at  the  judges. 

But  as  to  hitting  off  thoughts  on  the  principles  of 
government ;  or  practical  application  in  the  measures 
of  the  administration,  you  are  unequal  to  the  task. 

With  regard  to  Teague  himself,  he  had  as  little 
thought  of  delivering  an  oration,  or  drawing  up  toasts 
as  any  one  else  coiild  have.  The  apothecary  Avho 
meant  to  sell  medicines  on  that  day,  on  a  stage,  had 
employed  him  to  act  in  the  capacity  of  tumbler  ;  not 
that  he  could  tumble  j  but  that  he  could  not  tumble  ; 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


')\ 


and  so,  by  preposterous  attempts  at  agility  would  an-* 
swer  the  purpose  of  moving  hiughter,  and  drawing  the 
attention  of  the  multitude,  who  being  collected  foi^ 
that  purpose,  might  be  drawn  into  another,  the  pur- 
chase of  worm  powders,  lozenges,  and  usual  drugs. 

The  celebration  of  our  national  anniversary,  will 
no  doubt,  be  continued  wiiile  the  uni<;n  of  these  states 
exists.  It  may  be  coniinued  by  the  parts  probably 
after  a  di:>-union  ;  an  event  certain,  and  itieviiuhle  ; 
but  which,  the  wise  and  the  good  delight  to  contem- 
plate as  remote  ;  and  not  likely  to  happen  for  mnu- 
merable  agesr  The  orations  delivered  on  this  day, 
may  greatly  contribute  to  postpone  the  event  of  a  dis-^ 
union,  by  patriotic,  and  conciliatory  sentiments  For 
this  reason,  the  best  abilities,  and  ttie  most  virtuous 
hearts  ought  to  be  chosen  to  be  the  orators  ot  ti.e  oc- 
casion. 

Bittthe  toasts,  or  sentiments  given  on  the  convivial 
libations  ;  not  in  honor  of  imaginary  deiiies,  as  a- 
mongst  the  Greeks  and  Romans  ;  but  in  honor  of  de-- 
ceased  heroes,  who  have  passed  from  a  scene  where 
they  were  mixed  witli  us,  and  to  a  scene,  where  we 
shall  be  mixed  with  them  j  these  expressions  of  the 
public  mind,  ought  to  be  the  peculiar  eare  ot  the 
aged  and  the  wise.  They  ought  to  be  tie  lectures  of 
"wisdom  Taking  up  ihe  matt<.rin  iliis  pohit  of  \iew, 
what  delicacy  ought  to  be  attaci^ed  to  the  expression 
of  sentiment.  Let  it  be  considered  that  on  a  single 
thought  may  depend  the  essence  of  liberty  ;  health 
or  poison  may  be  communicated  by  a  word  For  tlie 
toasts  of  this  day  are  considered  as  indications  oj  thi 
public  will,  and  yet  witlioul  a  due  sense  of  the  holenm 
obligations  of  honor  and  honesty,  toasts  are  hrougl^t 
forward,  perhaps  by  an  individuai,  in  aci  omm.c>dution 
to  a  local  prejudice,  and  mejely  to  accon.phsh  the 
purpose  of  an  election  to  a  public  body,  lor  the  iiict 
I  2 


'r 


J^2  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

is,  that  toasts  are  not  always  real  expressions  of  the 
sentiments  of  even  a  majority  of  those  who  suffer  them 
to  pass  ;  they  are  introduced  by  the  mistake  of  those, 
who  substitute  the  sentiments  of  the  uninformed  for 
that  of  the  whole  community.  But  all  that  is  illibe- 
ral, on  these  occasions,  ought  to  be  avoided.  All  inhu- 
manity, and  injustice.  All  anticipation  of  judgment 
on  cases  depending  ;  all  expressions  calculated  to  in- 
flame thexlecision.  For  a  popular  clamour  once  rai- 
sed is  difficult  to  be  resisted. 

Democracy  hao  its  strength  in  strict  integrity  ;  in 
perfect  delicacy  ;  in  elevation  and  dignity  of  mind.  It 
is  an  unjust  imputation,  that  it  is  rude  in  manners, 
and  coarse  in  expression.  This  is  the  characteristic 
of  slaves,  in  a  despotism  ;  not  of  democrats  in  a  re- 
public. Democracy  embraces  the  idea  of  a  standing 
on  virtue  alone  ;  unaided  by  wealth  or  the  power  of 
family.  This  makes  "  the  noble  of  nature"  of  whom 
Thomas  Payne  speaks.  Shalt  this  noble  not  know  liis 
Robility,  and  be  behind  the  noble  of  aristocracy  who 
piques  himself  upon  his  honour,  and  feels  a  stain  up- 
on liis  delicacy  as  he  would  a  bodily  wound  ?  The  de- 
mocrat is  the  true  chevalier,  who,  though  he  wears 
not  crosses,  or  the  emblazoned'  arms  of  heraldry,  yet 
is  ready  to  do  right,  and  justice  to  every  one  All 
others  are  impostors,  and  do  not  belong  to  the  order 
of  democracy.  Many  of  these  there  are  no  doubt; 
iiihie  brethren  ;  but  shall  the  democrat  complain  of 
usurpation  ;  of  undue  influence ;  or  oppression  and 
tyranny  from  ambitious  persons  ;  and  not  be  jealous, 
at  the  same  time  of  dciiiocratic  tyra^iny  in  himself, 
which  is  the  more  pernicious,  as  it  brings  a  slur  upo» 
the  purest  principles  I 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  40* 


BOOK  11. 


IT  has  been  asked,  why,  in  writing  this  me- 
moir ;  have  I  taken  my  clown,  /rom  the  Irish  nation  ? 
The  character  of  the  English  clowu,  T  did  not  well  un- 
derstand ;  nor  could  I  imitate  the  manner  of  speaking. 
That  of  the  Scotch  I  have  tried,  as  may  be  seen,  in 
the  character  of  Duncan.  But  I  found  it,  in  my 
hands,  rather  insipid.  The  character  of  the  Irish 
clown,  to  use  the  language  of  Rousseau,  "  has  more 
stuff  in  it."  He  will  attempt  any  thing. 

The  American  has  in  fact,  yet,  no  character  ; 
neither  the  clown,  nor  the  gentleman.  So  that  I 
could  not  take  one  from  our  own  country  ;  which  I 
would  much  rather  have  done,  as  the  scene  lay  here. 
But  the  midland  states  of  America,  and  the  western 
parts  in  general,  being  half  Ireland,  the  character  of 
the  Irish  clown,  will  not  be  wholly  mibunderstoodr 
It  is  true  the  clown  is  taken  froip  the  aboriginal 
Irish  ;  a  character  not  so  well  known  in  the  North  of 
that  country  ;  nevertheless,  it  is  still  so  much  known, 
even  there,  and  aniongst  the  emigrants  here,  or  their 
descendants,  that  it  will  not  be  wholly  thrown  away. 

On  the  Irish  stage,  it  i^Ta  standing  character  ;  and 
V^  tli€  theatre  in  Britain,  it  is  alsa  inipoduccd.    I 


104  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

have  not  been  able  to  do  it  justice,  being  but  half  ar* 
Irishman,  myself,  and  not  so  well  acquainted  with 
the  reversions,  and  idiom,  of  the  t^enuine  Thady,  as 
I  could  wibh.  However,  «he  imitniion  at  a  distance 
from  the  original,  will  better  pass  than  if  it  had  been 
wiitten,  and  read,  nearer  home  1  oreigners  will  not 
so  readily  distin^^uish  the  incongruities  ;  or,  as  it  is 
the  best  we  can  produce  for  the  present,  will  more 
indulgently  consider  them. 

I  think  it  the  duty  of '^jvery  man  who  possesses 
a  faculty,  and  perhaps  a  facility  of  drawing  such 
images,  as  will  amuse  his  neighbour,  to  lend  a  hand, 
and  do  something.  Have  those  authors  done 
notJiing  for  the  world,  whose  works  would  seem 
to  have  had  no  otlier  object  but  to  amuse  ?  In 
k)W  health  ;  after  the  fatigue  of  great  mental  ex- 
ertion on  solid  disquisilioi.s  ;  in  pain  of  mind, 
from  disappointed  passions  ;  or  broken  with  the 
sensibilities  of  sympathy,  -and  affection  ;  it  ia  a 
relief  to  try  not  to  think,  and  this  is  attainable,  in 
some  degree  ;  by  light  reading.  Under  sensations 
of  this  kind,  I  have  had  recourse  more  than  once  to 
DonQuisotte  j  which  doubtless  contains  a  great  deal 
of  excellent  moral  sentiment.  But,  at  the  same 
time,  has  much,  that  can  serve  only  to  amuse.  Even 
in  health,  and  with  a  flow  oi  spirits,  from  prosperous 
affairs,  it  diversifies  enjoyments,  and  adds  to  ihat 
happiness  of  wl)ich  the  mind  is  capable.  I  trust 
therefore,  that  the  gravest  persons,  will  not  be  of 
opinion  that  1  oui^ht  to  be  put  out  of  the  church,  for 
any  appearance  of  levity,  which  this  work  may  seem 
to  can  y  with  it. 

I  know  there  have  been  instances,  amongst  the 
pu  itans  of  clergymen,  degraded  for  singing  a  Scotch 
pastoial.  But  music  is  a  carnal  thing  compared  with 
putiing^  thuuijhts  upon  paper.    It  requires  an  openiiig, 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  lOfc 

of  the  mouth,  and  a  rolling  of  the  tongue,  whereas 
thought  is  wholly  spiritual,  and  depends,  not  on  any 
modification  of  the  corporeal  organs.  Music,  how- 
ever, even  by  the  strictest  sects,  is  admissable  in  sa- 
cred harmony,  which  is  an  acknowledgement,  that  e- 
ven  sound,  has  its  uses  to  soothe  the  mind  or  to  fit  it 
*for  contemplation. 

1  would  ask,  which  is  the  most  entertaining  work, 
Smollet's  history  of  England;  or  his  Humphrey  Clink- 
er ?  For  as  to  the  utility,  so  far  as  that  depends  upon 
truth,  they  are  both  alike.  History  has  been  well  said 
to  be  the  Romance  of  the  human  mind ;  and  Bomance 
the  history  of  the  heart.  When  the  son  of  Robert 
Walpole  asked  his  father,  whether  he  should  read  to 
him  out  of  a  book  of  history  ;  he  said  ;  "  he  nvaa  not 
fond  of  Romance,''*  This  minister  had  been  long  en- 
gaged in  affairs  ;  and  from  what  he  had  seen  of  ac- 
counts of  things  within  his  own  knowledge  he  had  lit- 
tle confidence  in  the  relation  of  things  which  he  had 
not  seen.  Except  memoirs  of  person's  own  times  bio- 
graphical sketches  by  cotemporary  writers  :  Voya- 
ges, and  Travels,  that  have  geographical  exactness, 
there  is  little  of  the  histodcal  kind,  in  point  of  truth, 
before  Roderick  Random  ;  or  Gil  Bias. 

The  Eastern  nations  in  their  tales,  pretend  to  no- 
thing but  fiction.  Nor  is  the  story  with  them  the  less 
amusing  because  it  is  not  true.  Nor  is  the  moral  of  it 
less  impressive,  because  the  actors  never  had  exist- 
ence. This,  I  have  thought  it  sufficient  to  say,  by  way 
of  introduction  in  this  place. 


106  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


I 


CHAPTER  t 


IF  the  memoir  of  the  bog-trotter  had  not  ad- 
vainced  the  author  to  a  professor's  chair  ;  it  had,  at 
least,  procured  him  admission  to  amimberof  learned 
societies  ;  abroad  and  at  home  :  should  a  new  edition 
of  the  work  come  to  be  published,  it  will  take  up,  at 
least,  two  quarto  pages,  to  contain  the  names  of  these 
member-ships,  and  honours. 

But,  notwithstanding  the  most  pressing  solicitati- 
ons, he  could  not  be  brought  to  accept  of  an  introduc- 
tion to  ihiT  St.  Tainmany  Society  ;  owing  to  the  im- 
pression which  he  still  retained  of  being  an  Indian 
chief,  from  which  he  had  a  narrow  escape  in  the  early 
part  of  this  work.  For  unfortunately,  it  had  been  ex- 
plained to  him,  that  St.  Tammany  was  an  Indian 
Saint ;  and  that  the  Society  met  in  a  wigivam^  and  ex- 
changed  belts.  They  offered  to  m::\ke  him  a  Sachem  ; 
but  all  to  no  purpose  ;  the  idea  of  scalping,  and  tom- 
hackin-^,  hung  still  upon  his  mind.  It  was  by  com- 
pulsion, in  France,  that  he  took  upon  him  the  charac- 
ter of  an  Esquimaux,  in  the  procession  of  Anacharsis 
Clootz. 

The  Captain  presented  himself  to  the  Society,  ex- 
plaining these  things  ;  and  that,  in  fact,  such  had  been 
the  alarm  of  the  author  of  the  memoir,  at  the  propo- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  107 

sltion  of  being  made  a  member,  that  he  had  abscond- 
ed a  day  or  two  before.  The  Society  took  his  ex- 
cuse ;  and  made  the  Captain,  an  honorary  member  in 
his  place 

This  was  no  object  with  the  Captain,  as  he  was  a 
candidate  for  no  office  ;  and  could  draw  no  advantage 
Trom  a  projniscuous  association.  Nor  did  he  see  that 
he  could  be  of  any  use  to  mankind  in  this  new  capaci- 
ty, as  the  propagation  of  tl|f  gospel  in  foreign  parts, 
or  amongst  the  savages,  made  no  part  of  the  duty. 
For  though  Tammany  himself  may  have  been  a 
Saint,  there  are  few  of  his  disciples  that  can  pretend 
to  sanctity,  superior  to  common  christians.  Or,  at 
least,  their  piety  consists  more  in  contemplation, 
than  in  active  charity,  and  practice.  We  hear  of  no 
'missionaries  from  them,  amongst  the  aborigines 
of  the  continent,  as  we  should  be  led  to  expect  from 
being  called  the  St.  Tammany  Society.  For  it  is  to  be 
presumed,  that  this  Saint  had  been  advanced  into  the 
calender  from  the  propagation  of  the  christian  faith, 
as  wa^  St.  Patrick;  St  Andrew,  and  otiiers.  And 
though,  as  these  old  societies,  with  that  of  St.  George, 
St  David,  Sec.  the  duty  olJ?^vangeIists  may  be  excu- 
sed, the  countries  to  which  they  belong,  being  long 
since  christianized  ;  yet  the  native  Americans  which 
St.  Tammany  represents,  are  whole  nations  of  them 
hi/idfls.  The  sons  of  St  Tammany  ought  certainly 
to  think  a'little  of  their  brothers  thai  are  yet  in  blind- 
ness, and  lend  a  hand  to  biing  them  to  liglit.  It  is 
not  understoor\  that  even  a  talk  has  been  held  with  a 
sintrje  nation  of  our  Western  Tribes  ;  thougli  it 
could  have  cost  but  a  few  blankets,  and  a  keg  ot  rum 
to  bring  them  together  ;  and  in  council  a  little  wam- 
pum, and  killikaneeque. 

But  our  modern  churches,  have  not  the  zeal  of 
<$?iie  primitive  ;  or  that  zeal  is  directed  to  a  different  ob- 


108  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ject,  the  building  up,  the  faith  at  home  ;  and  that  In  ci* 
civil  affairs,  more  than  spiritual,  doctrines,    it  is  not 
the  time  now  to  go  about  "  in  sheepskins,  and  goat  ' 
skins*'  to  convert  the  heathen,  to  the  gospel;  but  the 
citizens  to  vote  for  this  or  that  candidate.  The  Cincin- 
nati  being  a  mere  secular  society^  is  excu-iable  ;  but 
the  Saint  Societies,  would  seem  in  this,  to  depart  from* 
the  etimology  of  their   denomination.     I  know  that 
some   remark  on    the  word   Cincmnatus  ;  and  think 
that  it  ought  to  be  pronounced  as  well  as  spelled,  St, 
Cinnatus  ;  and  in  that  case  all  would  be  on  a  footing. 
I  have  no  objection,  provided  /Aa^  it  makes  no  schism; 
for  even  the   alteration  of  a  name  might    make  a 
schism.     And  a  schism  in  a  society  militant^  such  as 
this  is,  might  occasion  a  war  of  swords  ;    and  not  a 
war  of  words  only.     I  will  acknowledge  that  I  would 
like  to  have  the  thing   uniform,  St.  Cinnatus^  with 
the  rest.    So  that  if  it  could  be  brought  about  without 
controversy,  it  would  contribute  to  the  unity  of  de- 
signation.    But  controversy,  is,  above  all  things  to  be 
avoided.     And  nothing  is  more  apt  to  engender  con* 
troversy,  than  small  matters.     Because,  small  things 
are  more  easily  lost  than  great.     Or ;  because  it  vex* 
es  a  man  more,  to  find  his  adversary  boggle  at  a  tri- 
fling matter  of  orthodoxy  when  he  has  swallowed  the 
great  articles  of  credence,  than  to  have  to  pull  him  up) 
a  cables  length,  to  some  broad  notion,  that  separates 
opinion  and  belief.     To  apply  it  to  the  matter  of  the 
spelling  ;  qui  heret  in  litera,  heret  in  cortice.     That 
is,  to  give  it  in  English,  it  may  depend  upon  a  single 
letter  how  to  draw  the  cork.    All  consideration  there- 
fore ought  to  be  sacrificed  to  good  humour,  and  con- 
viviality, and  I  would  rather  let  the  heathen  T\2Lme  re- 
main, tlian  christian  it  at  the  expence  of  harmony, 
and  concord.     But  to  return  from  this  digression,  to 
the  St  Tammany  Society,  of  which  I  was  speaking) 
and  which  had  some  time  ago  convened. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  i«y 

It  was  anew  thing  to  the  Captain,  to  take  a  seat  hi 
the  wigwaiTii  and  to  smoke  the  calumet  of  peace. 
But  he  was  disappointed  in  his  expectations,  of  seeing 
Indian  manners,  and  customs  introduced,  and  mddt 
a  part  of  the  ceremony.  There  was  some  talk  of 
brightening  the  chain,  and  hunjing  the  hatchet;  but  he 
saw  US  vjar-dance.  What  is  more,  even  the  youngs 
warriors  wore  destitute  of  the  Indian  dress.  There 
was  not  a  moccasin  to  be  seen  on  the  foot  of  any  of 
them  ;  not  a  breech-clout  ;  nor  had  they  even  the 
naturil  ;  or  rather,  native  br.inds  and  marks,  ofatrue 
born  Indian.  No  ear  cut  in  rin^^lets  ;  ho  bro:ich  in 
the  nose  ;  or  tatooing  on  the  breast.  All  was  as 
smooth,  and  undisfigured,  as  the  anglo  Americans 
that  inhabit  our  towns,  and  villages. 

The  Grand  Sachem,  made  a  speech  to  the  Cap- 
tain, not  in  [ndian  ;  but  in  German  ;  which  answered 
the  end  as  well  ;  for  he  did  not  utulerstand  it.  But 
it  was  interpreted,  and  related  to  the  proposition  of 
making  him  a  Chief,  which  he  decliuid,  professing 
that  it  was  more  his  wish  to  remain  a  common  Indi- 
an than  to  be  made  even  a  half-king,*  not  having  it 
in  vis'V  to  remain  much  in  the  nation  ;  or  attend  the 
council  fires  a  great  deal.  He  contented  himself 
wi^h  puttin'^  some  queries,  relative  lo  the  History  of 
St.  Tammanv  ;  of  what  nation  he  was  ?  Did  he  be- 
long to  the  North,  or  the  South  ?  The  E  ^st,  or  the 
West  ?  On  W'l  it  waters  did  he  make  his  camp  ? 
Ho^v  many  moons  ago  did  he  live  ?  Wh^^re  did  he 
hunt?  Who  converted  him  ;  or  whom  did  he  con- 
veri.  ?   Why  tike  an  Indian  for  the  tutelary  saint  of  the 


*    H  !jaii-kia^.  means  double  king,  or  king  oftvjo  n<M 
tionn^  ivho  have  him  sheit  betiveen  them, 

PART  II.  vojt.  I.  i; 


MO  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

whites  ?    Why   not  Columbus  ;  or  Cabot  ?    Wlitre 
did  this  saiiitship  originate  ? 

To  these  queries,  the  Chiefs  could  give  no  answer^ 
nor  is  it  of  much  moment  whether  they  could  or  not. 
.^oaae  of  thsni  are  not  worth  answering. 


MODERN  CmVALRY.  I;l 


OtJSEliYATIOSS. 

AMONG  the  Romans,  tliere  was  a  kind  cre^ 
tin'C,  of  the  name  of  Appolo,  who  stood  by  people,  and 
when  they  were  doing  wrong,  would  give  them  u 
twitch  of  the  ear,  to  bid  them  stop. 
Aurum  velluit. 
I  cannot  say,  that  I  felt  just  such  a  twitch  while  t 
was  writing  the  last  Chapter  j  unless  figuratively  $ 
meaning  some  little  twitch  of  the  mind,  recollecting, 
and  reflecting,  that  it  might  possibly  give  offence  to 
public  bodies,  and  societies,  especially,  the  St.  Tam- 
fnany  ;  and  Cincinnati  ;  though  none  luas  intended. 
But  it  is  impossible  to  anticipate  in  all  cases,  the  sen- 
sations of  others.  Things  will  give  offence,  that  were 
meant  to  inform^  and  assut  ;  or  to  please  and  divert. 
In  the  case  of  public  bodies  especially,  no  man 
knows,  what  may  make  an  unf.\vourab!e  impression. 
It  is  necessary  ;  or,  unavoidable  as  it  niight  be  tran- 
slated ;  "  that  offences  come  ;  but  100  to  him  by  nvhom 
they  comey  One  would  think  that  in  a  free  country, 
there  might  ho,  some  little  more  nvoderalion  with  re- 
gard to  what  is  done,  and  said.  It  is  a  maxim  in  laW| 
that  words  are  to  be  construed,  "  niilior  sensu  ;"  or, 
in  the  milder  sense.  It  is  a  Scriptural  definition  of 
charity,  '^  that  it  is  not  easily  provoked."  Whereas, 
on  the  contrary  an  uncharitable  disposiiicn,  is  ready 
to  misconstrue,  and  convert  to  an  offence.     A  town,  a 


ii2  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

society,  a  public  body,  of  any  kind  might  be  presntned' 
to  bearnicrethanan  individual,  Lecause,  iheofftrcebe- 
iijg  divided  amongst  a  greater  number  ;  ii  can  be  but 
a  little,  that  vili  be  at  the  expense  of  any  one  person. 
If  therefore,  e^ny  son  of  St.  Tammany,  or  St.  Cinna- 
tus,  should  feci  l.iniself  hurt  by  our  lucubration,  iet 
him  consider  that  it  is  better  to  laugh  than  be  angry  ; 
and^he  will  save:  himself,  if  lie  begins  to  laugh  first. 
Though,  after  all,  some  will  say,  there  is  nothing  to 
laugh  at  ;  and  in  this,  they  will  be  right.  For  at  the 
most,  it  can  only  be  a  cmile.  It  is  a  characteiistic  of 
tlie  Comedy  of  Terence  ;  that  he  never  forces  your 
taugh  ;  but  to  smile  only.  That  I  take  to  be  the  cri- 
terion of  a  delicate  and  refined  ^\iv  ;  and  which  was 
becoming  tl,e  lepos,  or  humonr  of  such  nien,  as  Le- 
Uus^and  Sci-iio,  who  are  thouL,[jt  to  have  fomcied  his 
taste,  and  assisted  him  in  his  dramatic  compositions. 
Yet  I  must  confess,  if  I  could  reach  it,  I  would  like  the 
broad  luugh  ;  but  it  is  difficult  to  effect  this,  and.  not,  at 
the  same  time,  fall  into  buffoonery,  and  low  humour. 
Laughing  is  certainly  favourable  to  the  lunus  ;  and 
happy  the  man,  whose  imagination  leads  him  to  risi- 
ble sensation.^,  rather  than,'  to  melancholy. 

All  work,  and  no  play,  makes  Jack  a  dull  boy.  But 
I  have  noidea  of  laughing,  any  more  than  of  playing 
without  having  perfomed  the  nt;cessary  task  of  duty, 
or  labour.  An  idle  laughing  fool,  is  contemptible  and 
odious;  andlaughingtcomuch  is  an  extreme,  whichthc 
"wise  will  avoid.  Take  care  not  to  laugh,  when  there 
is  nothing  to  laugh  at.  I  can  always  know  a  man*^ 
sense,  by  his  song,  his  story,  or  his  laugh.  1  will  not 
say  his  temper  ;  or  principles  ;  but  certainly  his  share 
of  understanding.  The  truth  is,  this  composition  has 
more  for  its  object  than  merely  to  amuse  though  tliat 
is  v.r\  object.  But  I  doubt  whether  we  shaH  receive 
oerdit  lor  cur  good  intentions^     For  truth  lies  in  a 


MODEKN  CHIVALRY.  il'. 

%q\\  ;  and  unless  there  is  some  one  to  draw  the  buck- 
et, tliere  i.s  no  s^etting  it  up 

V/e  have  been  often  asked  for  a  key  to  this  work. 
Every  man  of  sense  has  the  key  in  his  own  pocket. 
His  own  feelin.:^s  ;  his  own  experience  is  the  key.  It 
is  astonishing,  with  what  avidity,  we  look  for  the  ap- 
plication of  satire  which  is  general,  and  never  had  a 
prototype.  But  the  fact  is,  that,  in  this  work,  the  pic- 
ture is  taken  from  human  nature,  generally,  and  has 
no  individual  in  view.  It  was  never  meant  as  a  satire 
upon  men  ;  but  upon  things.  An  easy  way,  to  slur 
sentiments,  under  the  guise  of  allegory  ;  which  could 
not  otherwise  make  their  way  to  the  ears  of  the  curi- 
ous. Can  any  m.an,  suppose,  upon  reflection,  that  if 
ridicule  was  mtended  upon  leal  persons,  it  would  be 
conveyed  in  so  bungling  a  manner  that  people  would 
be  at  a  loss  to  know,  who  was  meant  ?  That  is  not 
tlie  way,  we  fix  our  fools  caps- 
Let  any  man  put  it  to  Iiimself,  arid  say,  would  her 
ivish  to  be  of  those  that  give  puinby  personal  allusion, 
and  abuse.  Self-love,  for  a  moment  may  relish  the 
stricture  ;  but  could  never  endure  to  be  thought  the 
author.  In  attacking  reputation,  there  are  two 
things  to  be  considered,  the  manner,  and  the  object. 
When  the  object  is  praise- worthy ,  there  is  an  openness 
a  franknes,  and  manliness  of  manner,  which  conn- 
mands  respect.  But  even  where  the  object  is  a  pub- 
lie  good,  the  manner  may  excite  contempt.  Let  our 
editors  of  news-papers,  look  to  this,  tho'se  of  them 
who  wish  to  be  considered  gentlemen  ;  such  as  have 
ho  character  to  lose,  and  never  wish  to  have  any,  may- 
fake  all  liberties,  and  occupy  their  ov^n  grade 

But  as  we  were  saying,  public  bodies,  and  societies 

of  men,  ought  not  to  take  offence  easily  ;  nor  res-ent 

violently      "  A.i  they  are   strong,  be  merciful  "     A 

■saiigle  person  is  not  on  a  footing  w  ith  a  great  number, 

1^2 


1 14  MODERN  CHIVALRT. 

He  cannot  withstand  the  whole,  if  th dy  shouid  taic 
offence  without  reason  ;  and  he  may  be  conscions!/ 
scrupulous  of  fighting;  or  may  be  afraid  to  fight j^ 
which  will  answer  the  end'  just  as  well ;  or  he  may" 
have  the  good  sense  and  loriitude,  to  declare  off  j- 
which  by  the  bye  requires  more  courage,  than  the 
bulk  of  mtn  fwsacs.i.     It  requires  a  courage  above  alt 

false  ojiinio7i  /  and  the  custom  will  never  be  put  out 
of  countenance,  until  some  brave  men  set  the  exam- 
ple. There  is  nothing  that  a  wise  man  need  fear, 
but  dishonor^  founded  on  the  charge  of  a  tva7it  of  viv' 
lue  ;  on  that  luhich  all  men\  of  all  places^  and  of  alt 
tinics^  ivill  a<:knowhd:^e  to  be  disrefiutable.  Under  this 
head,  will  not  be   found  the  refusal  of  a  challenge. 

'  JVo'.hing  can  be  great ^  the  contcmfit  of  which  is  great ^ 
Is  it  not  great  to  despise  prejudice,  and  false  opinion  ? 
"  He  that  ruleth  his  spirit,  is  greater  than  he  that 
taketh  a  city  :'*  but,  he  that  is"  above  the  false  senti- 
ments of  others,  |:H'esents  to  me  the  image  of  a  supe- 
rior power,  tfiat  ascdids  throui^h  the  vapours  of  the 
atmosphere  and  dissipates  the  fog.  The  world  is 
indebted  to  the  man  that  refuses  a  challenge  ;  but  who 
can  o=ive  any  thing  to  him  that  accefits  it  j  for  he  sanC'^ 
tions  an  wi}ii%t  law  ?  Doubtless,  the  accepting  of  a 
challenge,  is  pardonable  as  a  weakness  j  but  still  it  is 
a  weaknc;s3.  The  man  is  a  hero,  who  can  withstand 
unjust  opinion.  It  requires  more  coiirage,  than  to 
fight  duels.  To  sustain  l)i*e,  under  certain  circum- 
stances, calls  for  more  resolution  tlian  to  commit  sui- 
cide. Yet  suicide  is  not  reputable.  Brutus  in  th6 
schools  condenmcd  it ;  but  at  Philippi,  adopted  it. 
Because  his  courage  f-iiled  him. 

But  cudi/elling  follows  the  refusal  of  a  challenge. 
Not  if  there  is  instant  notice  fjiven  to  a  peace  officer. 
Bat  poiting  follows.     Notice  of  that  may  be  giVe^i 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1 1 5 

also,  and  a  court,  and  jury  brought  to  criticise  upon 
the  libel. 

Why  is  it,  that  a  public  body  is  more  apt  to  take 
offence,  than  an  individual  ?  Because,  every  one  be- 
comes of  consequence  in  fir  of  lor  Hon,  as  he  is  careful 
of  the  honor  of  the  whole.  It  is  oftentimes,  a  mere 
matter  of  accident,  whether  the  thuig  is  well,  or  ill 
taken.  If  one  should  happen  to  call  out,  that  it  is  an 
insult,  another  is  unwillint^  to  question  it,  lest  he 
should  be  suspected  of  incivism^  and  lose  his  stand- 
ing in  society  in  general ;  or,  in  that  to  which  he 
more  particularly  belongs.  The  misconcsluion  of  one 
forces  itself  upon  another;  and  Twi.scon&rrwc^z'ort  pre- 
vails. That  which  was  the  strongest  proof  of  confi- 
dence in  the  integrity,  and  justice  of  the  body,  is  vieAV- 
ed  as  distrust ;  and  a  concern  for  their  honor,  con- 
sidered a  re/iroach.  The  most  respectful  language 
termed  insolence.  Implicit  submission  attributed  to 
clisres/iecl'*  Self  denial  overlooked,  and  tvantonne&s  of 
insult  substituted  in  its  place.  This,  all  the  offspring 
of  mistake  ;  ivhich  it  is  the  duty  of  the  individual  to 
remove.  But  how  can  he  speak  if  his  head  is  q^ 
before  he  knotvs,  that  the  ojfence  is  taken  ?  Protesting 
therefore  that  I  mean  no  offence  to  either  of  these 
societies,  or  the  individual  members,  in  any  thing  I 
have  said ,  I  request  them  to  take  it  in  good  part  ; 
or.  if  there  should  seem  to  be  ground  of  affront,  they 
will  give  me  a  hearing,  and  an  opportunity  to  ex- 
plain. 

Tliere  isrno  anticipating  absoluteIy,and  to  all  extent^ 
what  a  pei^on  might  say  for  himself  if  he  was  heard. 
That  presumption  which  had  existed  might  be  remov- 
ed. His  motives  might  appear  laudable  ;  or  at  the 
worst,  originating  in  a  pardonable  weakness.  Whe- 
ther or  not,  the  credit  of  the  tribunal  with  the  world, 
RTig^t  render  it  expedient  to  observe  these  appear* 


l\§  MODERN  CHIVALRYc 

aiices  They  did  it  in  France  under  the  revolutionary 
government  ;  and  even  the  emperor,  8ee7n6  to  consi^ 
der  it  as  indis/iensible.  If  therefore  any  thing  in  these 
chapters  should  unfortunately  give  umbrage  to  the 
sons  of  St.  Tammany,  or  to  the  Cincinnati  members, 
I  pray  a  citathn^  and  demand  a  hear  ing .  1  trust  1  shall* 
be  able  to  convince  them  that  I  am  not  deficient  ir> 
respect  for  them  individually,  or  as  public  bodies,. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1 17 


CHAPTER  11. 


THE  Captain  walking  by  himself,  could  not 
.avoid  reflecting  on  the  nature  of  government  ;  a  uni- 
on of  souls,  and  corporal  force.  It  makes  all  the  dif- 
ference that  we  see  between  the  savage,  and  civilized 
life.  The  plough,  the  puUy,  the  anchor,  and  the 
potters  wheel,  are  the  oifspi  ing  of  government ;  the 
loom,  the  anvil,  and  the  press.  But  how  difficult  to 
link  man  with  man  ;  how  diflicult  to  preserve  a  free 
government !  The  easiest  thing  in  the  world,  says 
the  clown,  if  the  sage  tviU  only  let  ii  alone.  It  is  the 
philosopher  that  ruins  all. 

There  is  some  foundation  for  this.  A  mere  philo- 
sopher is  but  a  fool,  in  matters  of  business.  Even  in 
speculation,  he  sometimes,  imagines  nonsense.  Sir 
Thomas  More's  Utopia  has  become  proverbial;  Har- 
rington's Oceana  has  become  a  model  for  no  govern- 
ment. Locke's  Project  was  tried  in  South  Carolina. 
It  was  found  wanting.  Imagination,  and  experim  nt 
are  distinct  things.  There  is  such  a  tlung  as  practi- 
cal sense.  Do  we  not  see  instances  of  this  every  day  ? 
Men  who  can  talk  freely,  but  do  nothing.  They  fail 
in  every  thing  they  attempt.  There  is  too  much  vi- 
sion mixed  with  the  fact-  Want  of  information  of 
wnat  iias  been  j  the  not  examining  tlie  fitness  uad 


il8  MODERN  CHIVALRY, 

congruity  of  things,  leads  to  this.  You  see  a  trades- 
man framing  a  njachine.  A  chip  less,  or  more  spoils 
the  joint. 

Where  is  the  best  account  to  be  found  of  the  Ro- 
man commonwealth  ?  In  Poiibyus.  In  what  did  its 
excellence  consist  ?  In  its  balances.  What  invented 
these  ?  The  exigencies  of  the  case.  Some  were 
adopted  in  the  first  instance  ;  others  as  remedies  to 
the  mischiefs  that  occurred.  Were  the  sages  of  any 
use  here  ?  A  little.  Sallust  says,  "  considering  the 
history;of  the  Roman  people,  that  the  Gauls  were  be- 
fore them  in  bravery,  and  the  Greeks  in  eloquence  ;" 
yet  Rome,  has  become  the  mistress  of  the  world  ;  I 
have  found  that  it  has  been  owing  to  a  few  great  men 
that  happened  to  arise  in  it.  Were  these  men  dema- 
gogues ?  Not  in  a  bad  sense  of  the  word.  They  did 
not  deceive  the  people  for  their  own  ends.  How  da 
demagogues  deceive  people  ?  How  do  you  catch  a 
nag  ?  You  hold  a  bridle,  in  your  left  hand,  behind 
your  back  ;  and  a  hat  in  your  right,  as  if  there  were 
something  in  it,  and  cry  co"pe.  What  do  demagogues-' 
want  by  deceiving  the  people  ?  To  ride  them.  VVhat 
do  they  pretend  they  have  in  the  hat  ?  oats,  salt  j  any 
thing  they  find  a  horse  likes. 

How  do  you  distinguish  the  demagogue  from  the 
patriot.^  The  demagogue  flatters  the  clown,  and  finds 
fault  with  the  sage.  The  patriot,  and  the  sage,  un- 
less you  mean  the  vain  philosopher,  mean  the  same 
thing.  The  Jewish  prophets  were  all  of  them  sages. 
They  were  seers,  or  men  that  saw  far  into  things.  You 
will  find  they  were  no  slouches  at  blaming  the  people. 
"  My  people  Israel  is  destroyed  for  lack  of  know- 
ledge.** "  I  a77i  wounded  in  the  house  of  my  friends." 
This  may  be  said  of  liberty^  when  republicans  give  it  a 
stab.  The  lamentations  of  Jeremiah  are  but  the 
weepings  of  a  patriot  over  the  errors  of  the  people- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  l\$ 

Yet  the  people  are  always  right,  say  thedemagopjues. 
I  doubt  that.  Tomfooi,  may  laugh  at  the  expression, 
*'  save  the  people  from  themselves.'*  Nevertheless, 
there  is  something  in  it.  It  is  a  scripture  phrase, 
*'  go  not  vith  a  multitude  to  do  evil ;"  widch  would 
*ecm  to  imply  that  the  multitude  will  sometimes  do 
wrong. 

Do  the  multitude  invent  arts  ?  Or^^ame  individuals 
among  them  i  It  is  sometimes  a  lu^tter  of  accident. 
Sometimes  a  matter  of  genius.  But  it  is  but  one  out 
of  a  thousand  that  happens  to  hit  upon  it ;  or  that 
has  the  invention  to  contrive.  But  go\evnment  is  an 
easy  matter  ;  atid  has  no  wheels  like  a  watch.  What 
is  it  that  enables  one  man  to  see  farther  into  things 
than  another  in  matters  of  government  ?  What  is  it 
that  makes  him  a  seer?  Thinkins^,  looking,  examin- 
ing. Does  it  come  by  inspiration  ?  More  by  expe- 
rience. What  are  the  wheels  in  our  government  that 
are  like  to  go  first  ?  The  Judiciary ^  the  Senate^  the 
Governor,  Is  this  the  order  in  which  they  will  go  ? 
Precisely.  Does  any  man  mean  it  ?  Not  at  all.  How 
can  it  then  happen  ?  In  the  natural  progress  of 
things.  Will  one  house  become  a  tyrant  ?  It  will 
come  to  be  the  few  ;  and  the  few  were  always  tyrants. 
Will  it  be  but  a  few  in  the  house,  that  will  govern  ? 
It  will  come  to  one  at  last.  It  will  take  fifty  years  to 
bring  it  to  this.  I  do  not  say  that  it  will  be  a  hop- 
step,  and  jump  ;  or  a  running  leap,  all  at  once. 

But  we  have  the  press  here.  Suppose  a  leading 
print  in  the  hands  of  a  patriot.  He  will  keep  all 
right.  Yes,  provided  he  is  a  sage  at  the  same  time. 
That  is,  that  his  information  on  the  nature  of  govern- 
ment, is  equal  to  his  patriotism  ;  or  that  his  passion 
does  not  betray  him  into  error;  the  journal  of  L. 
Ami  du  peuple  by  Mirat,  was  p?itriotic  ;  but  it  ruined 
the  republic.  An  uninformed  inflammatory  print,  is  » 


120  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

coYriiptress  of  public  opinion.  It  is  the  torch  that 
sets  Tioy  on  fire.  I'here  is  no  Marat,  amongst  us, 
at  the  head  of  a  Journal  ;  but  there  may  come  to  be. 
It  is  a  difficult  thing  to  trim  the  state  vessel.  The  al- 
tering the  stowage  will  put  out  of  trim.  The  Han- 
cock was  taken,  by  altering  the  stowage.  It  destroyed 
the  trim.  Yet  trimmers  are  unfavourably  spoken  of. 
That  is,  I  presume,  halting  between  two  opinions. 
<'  Why  halt  ye  between  two  opinions  ?'*  But  preser- 
vers of  the  balance  are  not  trimmers  in  this  sense  of 
the  word. 

But  how  is  it  that  the  people  can  do  wrong,  when 
they  mean  well  ?  An  uninformed  spirit  of  reform  may 
prevail.  How  can  passion  prevail  ?  The  axletree  is 
heated,  by  the  nave^  and  the  hob  is  set  on  fire.  The 
nave  heals  itself  by  its  own  motion  ;  and  fire  is  com* 
municated  to  the  whole  carriage. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.      12:1 


CHAPTER  HI. 


THIS  was  the  day  of  the  fair  held  twice  a  year 
in  the  village.  The  people  had  come  in  and  erected 
booths.  The  Captain  took  a  walk  to  see  the  fair,  and 
on  the  first  stall  he  saw  boxes.  What  are  these,  said 
the  Captain  ?  Cases  for  lawyers,  said  the  Chapman. 
What  will  the  lawyers  do  with  these,  said  the  Cap- 
tain ?  Put  them  on  their  back-sides,  said  the  Chap- 
man. That  will  make  them  look  like  soldiers,  whh 
cartouch  boxes,  said  the  Capiain.  No  matter  for  that, 
said  the  Chapman.  A  lav/yer  can  no  more  move 
without  cases,  than  a  snail  without  a  shell.  They  must 
have  authorities. 

They  have  too  many  sometimes,  said  the  Captain, 
as  I  liave  heard  the  blind  lawyer  say  ;  but  your  cases, 
or  cartouch  boxes,  I  presume,  are  meant  as  a  bur- 
lesque. Not  altogether,  so,  said  the  Chapman  ;  but  a 
little  bordering  on  it.  These  boxes  might  answer  the 
purpose,  of  carry mg  cah.es,  to  the  court  ;  but  an  ho- 
nest man  might  put  them  to  a  better  use  :  so  I  say 
no  more,  but  sell  my  wares  to  the  customer. 

At  the  next  stall  was  Tom  the  Tinker,  with  old 
kettles  mended,  and  new  ones  for  sale.     Ay,  1  om, 

VA&X  IX.  VOL.  I.  L 


1^22  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

said  the  Captain,  this  is  better  than  resisting  laws  j* 
even  the  esccisc  law. 

I  have  found  out  a  better  way  than  resisting  laws, 
now,  said  the  Tinker. 

AVhat  is  that,  said  the  Captain  ? 

Abolish  the  courts,  and  demolish  the  judges,  and 
the  hiws  will  go  of  th.tm selves. 

Ah  I  Tom,  said  the  Captain,  leave  the  public  func- 
tionaries, to  the  public  bodies  ;  you  have  nothing  to 
do  with  them 

But  I  sb.ould  have  something  to  do  with  them,  said 
the  Tinker,  if  I  had  a  voice  in  a  public  body. 

Bill  you  have  not  a  voice,  said  the  Captain. 

But  I  may  ha\e,  said  the  Tinker. 

I  would  lather  hear  your  voice  in  your  shop,  said 
the  Captain;  and  the  sound  of  your  hammer,  on  a 
coffee  pot,  or  a  tea  kettle.  \o\$  can  patch  a  brass 
candle-stick,  better  than  the  state,  yet,  1  take  it, 
Tom. 

Or  solder  spoons  either,  said  Tom  j  but  every 
thing  miVit  have  a  bcginnmg. 

At  tlie  next  stall  was  a  hard-ware  man  ;  in  the 
next,  a  Potter  with  his  jUgs.  Anacharsis,  according 
to  Dioi^enes  Laertius,  invented  the  anchor*,  and  the 
Putters  wheel  ;  he  was  a  more  useful  man  than  him 
thit  inrented  fire-arms  ;  though  it  is  a  question  with 
some,  whether  gunpowder  has  not  rendered  war  less 
sanguinary. 

A  Toyman  had  his  stall  next.  As  the  Captain  was 
lookinc*-  at  his  baubles,  an  accident  happened  on  tl)6 
other  .side  the  way.    At  a  sliort  turn,  a  cart  had  over- 

V    ^  III  it  II  ■        1  11  I  M 

*  Tht  chiff  of  the  inaurrecHoi^  in  the  western  parts 
nfPenmvlvania^  in  the  year  1794,  called  himi/el/,  Toip. 
the  Tinker. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  12:T 

set.     It  was  light,  and  loaded  with  empty  ke/gs.    Ne- 
vertheless the  driver  wanted  help  to  lift  it  up. 

The  Chapman,  the  Toyman,  the  Potter,  the  hard' 
ware  man,  and  Tom  the  Tinker  were  endeavouring 
to  assist.  The  Tinker  and  the  hard-ware  man,  had  set 
their  shoulders,  to  the  cart.  They  hove  it  up  ;  but, 
by  too  violent  a  push  threw  it  to  the  other  side.  The 
Chapman,  and  Toyman,  thought  to  set  the  matcer 
ri^^ht,  and  in  the  adverse  direction,  applied  their  force, 
being  on  the  other  side  the  cart  ;  and  to  do  them  jus- 
tice, gave  a  good  hoist  ;  but  over-did  the  matter,  as 
much  as  was  done  before  ;  for  the  cart  came  back 
and  lay  prostrate  in  the  same  direction,  as  at  first. 

The  driver,  in  tjie  mean  time,  was  dissatisfied. 
Gentlemen,  said  he,  do  you  mean  to  assist,  or  to  in- 
jure me  ?  It  may  be  sport  to  you  ;  but  it  is  a  loss  to 
me,  to  have  my  cart  broke,  and  my  kegs  staved.  It  is 
all  wrong,  said  the  Captain.  Why  not  let  the  tiling 
stand  upon  the  horizontal  ?  None  of  your  tricks  upon 
travellers.  Let  the  poor  man's  cart  have  fair  play, 
and  stand  upon  its  own  bottom. 

Aye,  aye,  said  a  misanthrope  ;  this  comes  of  bad 
doin.i^s.  You  must  be  going  to  the  woods  ;  and  dis- 
turbing innocent  forests  ;  cutting  down  young  trees  ; 
making  staves,  and  hooping  kegs.  Tiiis  is  just  the 
way  they  make  laws  ;  to  hoop  people  as  you  would  a 
barrel.  It  is  right  to  overturn  tne  cart,  on  account  of 
the  manufacture  it  carries. 

Ah  ;  it  is  in  this  manner,  said  a  moral  dramng 
man  ;  that  people  overturn  the  state  If  the  vehicle 
goes  to  the  one  side,  it  is  the  act  of  a  patriot  to  set  it 
right.  But  unskilful  persons,  pass  ihe  line  of  gravi- 
ty ;  so  that  as  much  miscliief  arises,  from  too  much 
force  as  too  little.  Passing  the, hne  of  gravitation,  in 
erecting  a  body,  is  like  ivoundinyr  a  firincilde  of  the 
Constitution.     All  err^rsof  ^x/zccific  ncy  may  be  amencF- 


iU  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ed  ;  but  the  violations  of  firinci/ile  are  vital,  and  tet- 
niinate  in  death.  Put  that  fellow  in  a  pnlpit,  and  he 
could  preacli,  said  a  by-stander  ;  do  you  hear  what 
a  sermon,  he  makes  upon  a  cart  ?  He  could  take  a 
text  ;  Nebucliadnezzar,  or  Zerubabel  ;  and  lengthen 
out  a  discourse  for  a  fortnight. 

In  the  meantime,  the  Captain,  was  almost  carried 
off  his  feet,  by  a  crowd  of  people  going  to  see  the  learn- 
ed pig.  Has  ht\.htto7igu^s,  said  Angus  SntheHand,  a 
Scotchman  ?  He  lias  two,  said  a  wag.  The  Hebrew, 
and  the  Erse,  1  trov.-,  said  the  Scolclnnan.  No  ;  the 
^quecl^  and  the  gru7itlc,  I  ween,  said  the  drolling  per- 
son. That  is  his  vernacular  said  the  Scotchman  ;  but 
I  mean  his  acquired  languages.  I  do  not  know  that 
he  has  acquired  any,  said  the  drolling  man  ;  but  he  is 
considerably  perfected  in  those  that  he  had  before. 

Weel,  that  is  something,  said  Angus  ;  but  he  ha3 
got  a  smack  o'  the  mathematics,  I  suppose.  A  little 
of  algebra,  said  the  wag  ;  the  plus,  and  minus,  he  un- 
derstands pretty  v>ell. 

The  conversation,  was  interrupted  by  the  vocifera* 
lion  of  a  man.  in  soliloquy  at  a  distance.  He  appeared 
to  be  in  great  agitation  :  clinching  his  fists,  and  strik- 
ing them  against  each  other.  An  abominable,  slan- 
der, said  he  ;  la  scholar  !  I  a  learned  man  !  it  is  a 
falsehood.  See  me  reading  !  He  never  saw  me  read. 
I  do  not  know  a  B.  from  a  bull's  foot.  But  this  is  the 
way  to  injure  a  man  in  his  election.  They  report  of 
me  that  I  am  a  scholar  ?  It  is  a  malicious  fabrication. 
I  can  prove  it  false.  It  is  a  groundless  insinuation. 
What  a  wicked  world  is  this  in  which  we  live.  I  a 
scholar  1  I  am  a  son  of  a  whore,  if  I  ever  opened  a 
book  in  my  life.  O  !  The  calumny  ;  the  malice  of 
the  report.  All  to  destroy  my  election.  Were  you 
not  seen  carrying  books,  said  a  neighbour  ? 


Ay3,  sakl  the  distressed  m.in  ;  two  books  that  a 
stiuL-nt  had  borr  )vved  from  a  cit'ii;ynu.ii.  iiut  did  I 
look  into  the. 11  ?  Did  any  mair  set:  nvi  opm  ibc  books? 
I  will  be  sworn  upon  V\e  evano^eiisis  :  1  will  take  my 
Bible  oath,  1  never  looked  into  them.  I  am  innocent 
of  letters  as  tiie  child  unborn.  I  atn  an  illiterate  man, 
God  be  praised,  and  free  from  the  sin  of  iearnir.i^,  or 
any  \vicived  art,  as  I  hope  to  b  i  saved  ;  but  here  a  re- 

Fort  is  raised  up,  that  I  have  dealini^s  with  books,  that 
can  read.  Ol  Tlie  wickedness  oftids  world?  Is 
there  no  protection  from  slander,  and  bad  report  ? 
Go  I  help  me  !  Here  I  am,  an  honest  rcfiubllcan  ;  a 
good  citizen,  and  yet  it  is  reported  of  me,  that  I  read 
books.  O  !  The  toni^ues  of  men  1  Wiio  can  stop  re- 
proachi  I  am  ruined  ;  I  am  undone  ;  1  shall  lose 
my  election  ;  and  the  ;^ood  will  of  all  my  neighbours, 
and  the  confilence  of  posterity  It  is  a  drtadtui 
thiuj^  that  all  the  discretion  of  a  mtirr,  cannot  save  him 
from  evil- speaking,  and'dftumation'. 

It  is  a  strange  contrast,  thought  the  Captain,  that 
w  admire  learning  in  a  /lig  ;  and  imdrrvahie  it  in  a 
man  The  timj  was,  \y  \t\\  learninvg  would  save  a 
m  in's  neck  ;  but  now  it  endangers  it.  The  neck 
verse,  is  reversed.  Thatis,  the  tfi^'cct  of  it.  For  the 
man  that  can  read  goes  to  the  wall  ;  not  him  that  is 
ignorant.      ButswrA  are  the  revolutionn  of  opinion. 

Of  all  things  in  the  world,  said  a  spec-dative  phi- 
losopher, I  should  the  least  expect  scunce  in  a  pig  ; 
thoujjh  the  swiiush  multitude  are  not  wii bout  good 
m  )ral  qualities  ;  or  the  sernl)i  ivce  of  these,  by  pro- 
pMisitive  insiimt  The  licrdofdecr  av»;id,  or  beat 
off  the  chuced,  or  Wounded  companion  :  but  attack  a 
•hog  in  a  gang,  and  the  bristles  of  all  are  up,  to  make 
battle  There  is  an  esprit  de  corps  ;  or  a  pniu.iple 
of  self-preservation-  They  do  not  w  .it  until  ti.ey  ure 
taktin  off  one  by  one  j  but  make  a  coimnon  cause  in 
L  2 


..zu  MODERN  CHIVALRY- 

the  first  instance.  When  the  twenty -one  deputies  Ih 
the  National  Assembly  of  France,  were  denounced, 
there  were,  no  doubt,  a  great  number  that  saw  the  m- 
justice  ;  but  not  the  consequence.  They  were  willing 
that  the  belt  should  pas&  by  themselves,  and  were  si- 
lent. But  those  that  followed,  soon  felt  the  case  to  be 
their  own,  though  they  did  not  make  it  at  first.  The 
hogs  ha\'e  more  sense,  or  nature  is  more  faithful  than 
reason.  A  sailor  on  board  a  ship  may  not  like  his  com- 
rades ;  but  if  they  are  charged  with  mutiny  wrong- 
fully, he  is  interested  and  will  see  it  if  he  is  wise  ;  for 
it  concerns  him  that  they  be  dealt  with  fairly.  For 
injustice  to  them,  leads,  to  injustice  to  himself,  A 
third  mate  may  dislike  the  first  ^  or  second^  or  the  Cap- 
tain, himself,  and  have  no  objection  to  change  them  ; 
but  the  mistake,  or  injustice  of  owners  towards  these, 
afTects  himself.  If  one  goes  at  this  turn ;  another 
'may  go  at  the  ntxt  j  tintil  ail  fall  to  unjust  accusation. 
If  the  indrfic7idencey  and  safety  of  command  is  affected 
all  officers  suff'er,  and  the  service  is  injured.  The 
picking  off  one  at  a  time  is  politic  in  those  that  as- 
sail ;  but  fatal  to  those  that  are  assailed.  Polyphemus 
devoured  but  one  of  the  soldiers  of  Ulysses  in  a  day.  So 
that  it  does  not  follow,  that  hog,  likes  hog,  more 
than  sheep,  likes  sheep  ;  or  that  bristle  is  champion 
for  bristle  ;  when  he  comes  to  take  his  part  ;  but  that, 
the  law  of  stlfptreservaiion^  is  better  understood ;  or 
felt  by  this  animal.  But  as  to  leaching  a  pig  any- 
thing like  human  knowledge,  though  not  a  new  things 
woi'ld  seem  lo  be  of  little  use.  Crows  were  taught 
to  speak  m  the  time  of  Augustus  Csesar  ,  as  we  find 
from  the  story  of  the  Cobler,  and  his  crow.  The 
Po-t  Virgil  talks  of  cattle  speaking  ; 

Pecudesque  locuta. 

But  this  was  a  prodigy.     Learning  must  go  somaii 
•where,  as  a  river  thai  sinks  in  one  place  rises  iu  ioit^ 


MODERN  CHIVALRY*  isr 

thep.  If  erudilion  is  lost  with  men,  it  is  well  to  find 
it  with  pigs.  The  extraordinarits  are  alwuyh  pleas- 
ing. The  intermediate  grades  of  eloquence,  from  a 
Curran  to  a  Parrot,  are  not  wortii  marking. 

A  little  learning  is  a  dangerous  thing. 
Drink  deep,  or  taste  not  the  Pieriun  spring. 

If  a  man  cannot  be  a  Polly  glotist,  he  may  as  well 
be  a  goose. 

It  was  at  a  time  things  took  this  turn  that  Ba- 
laam's ass  spoke.  There  was  darkness  all  over  P2u- 
rope,  for  six  or  ten  centuries  ,  and  little  knowledge  of 
the  scientific  kind  to  be  found  with  man,  fish,  fowl 
or  beast  A  glare  of  light  sprung  up,  and  has  pre- 
vailed awhile.  Men  of  science  have  been  in  repute 
in  monarchies  ;  and  in  some  republics  :  or  at  least 
science  itself  has  had  some  quarter.  But  it  is  now 
scouted,  and  run  down.  The  mild  shade  of  the  even- 
ing, the  crepusculum  approaches.  A  twilight,  that 
the  weakest  eye  can  sustain.  The  bats  will  be  out 
now.  The  owl  can  see  as  well  as  the  cat.  If  there 
is  leas  lights  there  is  more  equality  of  vision;  which 
may  be  for  the  best. 

That  fellow  could  preach  too,  said  a  by-stander  ^ 
and  give  him  a  text.  What  a  speech  he  has  made 
upon  a  shoat  I 

ikit  looknig  up,  they  saw  a  man  actually  preach- 
ing ;  or  something  like  it  in  a  tavern  door,  with  a 
newspaper  in  his  hand.  It  was  upon  the  subject  of 
oeconomies.  For  now  all  is  oeconomy.  Not  making  ; 
but  saving  This  discourse  was  a  lecture,  on  the  sub- 
traction of  aliment,  and  the  making  water  go  fiarthep 
by  boiling  it.  Saving  the  scales  of  fish  ;  and  tJie  stem 
beaten  out  of  flax  ;  curtailing  wages,  and  doing  less 
work  ;  all  things  by  the  minimum  :  he  would  have 
ail  Miscroscopes  j  no  Telescopes.    Minutiae,  Miaw*- 


Isa  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

tiae,  Minutias  ;  nothing  great,  comprehensive  ;  6f 
magnificent  in  his  projects  Themistocles  knew  how 
to  make  a  great  state,  out  of  a  small  commonwealth. 
But  was  it  by  saving,  or  by  gaining  that  he  did  it  I 
Was  the  sweep  of  his  mind  contracted  ;  or  extensive  ? 
Had  the  Zar  of  Muscovy  a  great  heart  ?  Did  he  re- 
duce mountains  by  particles  ;  or  employ  his  mind 
upon  hen  coops  ?  These  were  questions,  the  oecono" 
mist  answered  m  the  uflfirmative.  But  some  doubled 
the  orthodoxy  of  the  doctrine,  and  left  the  congre- 
gation 

In  a  public  house,  was  heard  the  music  of  a  fiddle^ 
and  a  bag-pipe.  It  was  Duncan  the  quondam  Wciiter 
of  the  Captcdn  who  had  made  a  match  of  the  bag-pipe 
against  the  vidin.  Play  up,  said  Duncan  to  the  piper  ; 
now  "  thf  Coming  o  the  (  amrons  y"  now  the  ReeL  o' 
Bogie.  Play  up  ;  I  could  dance  amaist  involuntarily  j 
as,  I  were  bit  by  the  laran  iila. 

The  Latin  master  was  of  the  company  ;  and  en- 
couraged the  contest,  by  the  application  of  classic 
phrases  ;  such  as, 

Et  vilula  tu  di^nus,  et  hie 

— Boni  quonium  cenvenimus  ambo. 

Tale  *uum  carmen,  divine  pocta. 

.  But  more  noise  ;  ttough,  perhaps  less  music  was 
heard  out  of  doors  commg  down  the  street  A  crowd 
of  people  ;  boys  and  grown  persons,  were  followhig 
0'i)tll  the  revolutionist  lor  Ca  Ira,  or  the  Mar- 
seilles hymn,  he  bavvi'd  out  the  following 

Down  with  the  sessions,  and  down  with  the  laws  ; 
They  put  me  i:i  mind  of  the  school-master's  taws. 
There's  nothing  in  nature  that  gives  such  disgust, 
As  force  and  tompulsion  to  make  a  man  just. 

Hilldu  i   nUduy  srt  me  down  aisf/^ 

Hilldus  Billelu,  l^c. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  \%9 

A  lawyer's  a  liar  ;  old  Sooty  his  father  ; 
He  talks  all  day  long,  a  mere  jacka-blather. 
His  books,  and  his  papers  may  all  go  to  hell, 
And  make   Bpeechea  there,  lings  Lary  O'Dcll, 

The  state  is  a  vessel,  and  hoop*d  like  a  tub  • 
And  the  adze  of  the  cooper  it  goes  dub,  a  dub. 
But  hooping  and  coopering,  is  fitting  for  fools  ; 
Jimy  ivid  all  learnijig^  and  shut  up,  the  schools i 
Hillcluy  ^c. 

A  horse  eats  the  less,  when  you  cut  off  liis  tail  ; 
And  chickens  hatch  faster,  the  thinner  the  shell, 
A  clerk  in  an  office  might  do  two  things  in  one, 
Hatch  eggs  while  he  sits,  and  writes  all  alone. 

milelu,  ts'c, 

TliC  song  may  be  good,  as  to  music,  said  the  Cap* 
tain  ;  but  1  do  not  like  the  stnlimcnts:  especially  the 
concluding  couplet.  It  seems  to  me,  that  oeconomy 
has  become  parsimony  ;  the  oppsite  extreme  ol  pro- 
digality ;  or  extravagance.  The  one  is  odious  ;  the 
other  contemptible.  All  tax  ;  or  no  tax.  There  is  no 
medium.  And  yet  all  that  is  excellent  lies  in  the  medi- 
um. But  wo  tax^  andoeccnomy  will  as  certainly  de- 
stroy an  administration,  as  all  tax,  and  extravagance. 
The  meanness  qfslaruing-  offices  ;  establiLhmcnd  j  itn*. 
provements^  nvill  attach  disreputatioii  to  the  cger.ts  ; 
and  operate  a  rcmovaljrom  the  body  politic  ;  01  the  de* 
bilitation  of  the  body  pohnc  itstlj  But  in  all  ihir.gs 
there  is  a  tendency  to  extremes.  The  ptpular  mind 
does  not  easily  arrest  itself  when  dt."jcendirg  uptn  an 
inclined  plain  of  opinion.     Popular  baiiads  are  an  ii:i- 


ua  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

dex  of  the  public  n\ind.  Hence  we  see  that  an  niitipa- 
tr.y  to  hivrb,  lawyers,  and  judpjes,  is  i!te  ton  at  piesent 
and  also  tiiUt  oeconomyu  iht  ruling'  fiasaion  of  the.  iime. 
Yet  in  ali  tiiese  things,  there  may  be  ^n  excels.  For 
the'fieo/Uc  ar€7iot  always  righ  .  Unless  in  the  sense  of 
the  Englibh  law,  that  ''  The  king  can  do  no  wicng." 
Doubtless  whcitever  the  people  do  is  iegLvliy  ii;.ilu; 
but  yet  not  always  politically  right.  For  do  we  not 
fiid  fVom  the  voice  of  histoiy,  that  those  men  are 
tiiought  to  have  deserved  best  of  their  country,  who 
have  occasionally  withstood  the  iiittmperance  of  opi- 
nion. Self  seekers  only  ^-  are  ail  tilings  to  all  men." 
Three  things  are  necessary  to  constiuite  a  great  man. 
Judgment,  foititude,  and  self-denial.  It  is  a  great  thing 
to  judge  wisely.  Perhaps  this  may  be  said  to  compre- 
hend the  v.  hole,  lor  judging  wibely  upon  a  iurge 
scale,  will  embrace  foriiiude,  and  self-denial.  Hence, 
in  the  Sciipture  piirase,  bad  men  are  called ./b&/.?.  It 
ia  b'.it  cutting  down  the  fruit  tree,  to  hark  in  with  a 
popular  cry  for  the  moment.  All  is  gained  for  the 
present.  But  there  is  nothing  for  the  next  year.  Such 
a  mun  may  get  into  a  public  body,  but  will  not  long 
retain  Iiis  scat  ;  or,  if  ne  does,  he  loses  all,  m  the 
esteem  J  tlu  virtuous^  and  the  wise.  But  I  doubt  whe- 
ther the  people  are  so  mad  for  oeconomy  It  originates 
ivith  thoae  ivho  are  conscious  to  themselves  that  they 
cannot  [ilease  them  by  grcai  actions  ;  a?ul  thtrtfore  at- 
ttmj.t  it  by  small.  The  extreme  has  been  that  of  unne- 
cessary expenditure  ;  and  ii  is  popular  to  call  out  eco- 
nomy  ;  wnicli  (tie  pi  ople-pleastrr  gets  into  his  mouth 
and  makes  it  the  shibboleth  of  just  politics.  But  the 
people-pleaser  is  not  always  the  friend  of  the  people. 
Do  ivejind  him  in  war  the  best  general  who  consults  the 
ardour  of  his  iroo/is,  wholly  f  and  Jights  when  they  cry 
out  for  battle  ?  Pompey  yielded  to  such  an  outcry, 
£\nd  lost  the  field  of  Pharsalia.     A  journal  was  pub- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  Ul 

lished  in  France,  by  Marat,  under  the  direction,  or, 
with  the  assistance  of  Robespierre,  entitltrd  "  L'  ami 
du  fieu/Ue"  There  could  not  be  a  more  seduci-it; 
title  ;  and  yet  this  very  journal  was  the  Joe  of  :he 
fieofilc,  I  have  no  doubt,  but  that  Marat  meant  wvll 
to  the  people  ;  but  he  had  not  an  understanding  above 
the  pubjic,  and  judf^ment  to  correct  the  errors  of  oc- 
casional opinion  He  was  of  the  multitude  himself* 
and  did  not  overtop  them  by  having  higher  ground  front 
ivhcnce  to  observe.  He  had  not  been  a  sage  b(fore  he 
became  a  journalist.  Hence  he  denounced  the  Giron- 
dists the  plilosophers  of  the "  republic  ;  Condorcet, 
and  others  who  had  laid  the  foundation  of  the  revolu- 
tion. He  denounced  them  because  they  siiii;gested  a 
confederate  republic,  such  as  Montesquieu  projected, 
and  America  has  rti'lized.  Mi.rat  to<jk  up  with  the 
simple,  the  one  and  indivi,<iblf  ;  the  populace  under- 
stood this,  but  not  the  corn  plication,  and  it  prevailed  ; 
but  the  republic  went  down. 


13^  MODERN  CHIVAj:^RY. 


OBSERVATIONS. 

I  never  had  a  doubt  with  the  Captain,  but  that 
the  bulk  of  the  jacobins  in  France  meant  well ;  even 
Marat  and  Robespierre  considered  themselves  as  de- 
nouncing, and  trucidating  only  the  enemies  of  the  re- 
public. What  a  delightful  trait  of  virtue  discovers 
itself  in  the  behaviour  of  Peregrine,  the  brother  of 
Robespierre,  and  proves  that  he  thought  his  brother 
innocent.  "  I  am  innocent  ;  and  my  brother  is  as  inno- 
cent as  lam:*  Doubtless  they  were  both  innocent. 
Innocent  of  what  ?  Why;  of  meaning  ill.  "  The  time 
shall  come,  when  they  that  kill  you,  shall  think  they 
are  doing  God  service."  Peregrine,  led  the  column 
with  his  drawn  sword  in  his  hand,  that  entered  and  re- 
took Toulon.  He  threw  himself  into  the  denuncia- 
tion. This  ought  to  be  a  lesson  to  all  republicans  to 
have  charity,  for  those  that  differ  in  opinion.  Tiberus, 
and  Caius  Gracchus  at  Rome  meant  well  ;  Agis,  and 
Cleomines  at  Sparta  the  same  ;  but  they  attempted  a 
reform,  well,  in  vision,  and  imagination,  but  beyond 
what  was  practicable  or  expedient.  They  fell  victims 
to  the  not  distinguishing  the  times  ;  the  advanced 
state  of  society,  which  did  not  comport  vnth  the  ori- 
^nal  simfilicity  of  institutions. 

Marat  the  journalist  and  Robespierre  were  pushed 
gradually  to  blood  ;  by  the  principle,  which  governed 
thera,  of  taking  it  for  granted  that  all  who  thought 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  133 

differently  upon  a  subject  were  traitors  ;  and  that  a 
majority  cf  vote  vjas  the  criterion  of  being  right.  The 
7nountains  the  bulk  ot  the  national  assembly,  cou!d 
not  but  be  in  their  opinion,  infallible.  The  eternal 
mountain  at  whose  foot  every  one  was  disposed  to 
place  himself;  the  mountain  on  whose  top  were 
«' thunders  and  lightnings,  and  a  thick  cloud;'  but 
not  a  natural  mountain  of  the  earth,  collecting  refresh- 
ing showers,  and  from  which  descended  streums.  It 
was  a  mountain  pregnant  with  subterranean  fire.  It 
burst,  and  exists  a  volcano  to  this  day.  So  muchjor 
the  majority  of  a  fiublic  body.,  b-  ing  always  right  ;  and 
so  much  fur  a  journalist  meaning  welU  a7id  yet  destroying 
the  refiublic.  It  is  a  truth  in  nature  and  a  maxim  in 
philosophy  "that  fro.n  whence  our  greatesi  good 
springs,  our  greatest  evils  arise  *'  A  journalisi  of 
spirit  is  a  desideratum  in  a  revolution.  But  when 
the  new  island.,  or  continent  is  thrown  up  from  tj.e  bot- 
tom of  the  ocean  ;  and  the  subterranean  gas  dissipa- 
ted, why  seek  for  a  convulsion  ?  But  rather  leave  na- 
ture to  renew  hers.df  with  forests,  and  rivers,  and 
perennial  springs.  But  that  activity  which  was  use- 
ful in  the  fii'->t  effort,  is  unwilling  to  be  checked  in 
tJif  further  employment  ;  and  under  the  idea  oi  dLp^o^ 
g'-fssing  reform,  turns  upon  the  establishment  wiiicli 
it  has  pro(luc^:;d,  and  intending  good,  co-js  harm. 
The  men  are  d^-nounced  that  mean  as  well  as  the 
journnlist,  and  perhaps  understand  the  game  better 
than  himself  though  ihcy  differ  in  judgment  on  the 
move.  In  a  revolution,  every  mm  thinks  he  has  done 
all.  ile  kno'.vs  only,  or  chiefly  what  he  has  done 
himself.  Hence  he  is  intolerant  of  the  opinions  of 
others,  because  he  is  ignorant  of  the  servic«-s  which 
are  a  pro.)f  of  patriotism  ;  and  of  the  interest  which  is 
a  pledge  of  fidelity.  Fresh,  hands  especially,  are  apt 
overdo  the   m  itter,  as  1  have  seen  at  the  building  of 

PART  H.  VOL.  I.  M 


!34  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

a  cabin  in  the  western  country.  A  strong  man  takes 
hold  of  the  end  of  a  log^,  and  he  lifts  fuster  than  the 
other.  From  the  unskilfulness  and  inequality  of  his 
exertions,  accidents  happen.  Prudent  people  do  not 
like  rash  hands.  States  have  been  best  built  up,  by 
the  ivise  as  well  as  the  honest. 

There  are  men  that  we  dislike  in  office.  All  men 
approved  Marius,  says  the  historicin  Sallust,  when  he 
began  to  proscribe,  now  and  then,  a  bad  man  ;  but 
they  did  not  foresee  what  soon  happened,  that  he  did 
not  stop  short,  but  went  on  to  proscribe  the  good.  It 
is  better  to  bear  an  individual  mischiefs  than  a  public 
incrmvenicnce.  This  is  a  maxim  of  the  common  law. 
That  is,  it  is  better  to  enuure  an  evil  in  a  particular 
case,  than  to  -violate  a  general  firinciple.  There  ought 
to  be  constitutional  ground,  and  a  just  cause  to  re- 
move the  obnoxious.  It  will  not  do  even  in  Ireland, 
to  hang  a  man  for  stealing  cloth,  because  he  is  a  bad 
weaver. 

Where  parties  exist  in  a  republic,  that  party  will 
predominate  eventually  winch  pursues  justice.  A 
democratic  party,  will  find  its  only  security  in  this. 
"If  these  things  are  done  in  the  green  tree,  what 
shell  be  done  in  the  dry  "  If  democracy  is  not  just, 
what  shall  we  expect  from  aristocracy,  where  the 
pride  of  purse,  and  pride  of  family,  raises  the  head  ; 
swells  the  port  ;  produces  the  strut,  and  all  the  un- 
dervaluinir  which  tiiey^w  have  for  th'  many  ?  Aris- 
tocracy, which  claims  by  hereditary  ri^ht,  the  hon- 
ours and  emoluments  of  the  commonwealth.  Who 
does  not  dislike  the  presumption  of  the  purse  proud, 
and  the  pridt^  of  connections  '^  And  it  is  for  that  rea- 
son that  1  wish  my  fellow  democrats,  "  my  brethren 
according  to  the  flesh."  to  do  light  ;  to  shew  their 
mijesly,  the  nobiiity  of  their  nature,  by  their  discri- 
minaiioh^  and  their  sense  of  justice,     J:  or  I  am  a  dti- 


,  MODERN  CHIVALRY.  135 

jnbcrat,  if  having  no  cousin^  and  no  funds  ;  and  only 
to  rely  on  my  personal  services^  can  inake  7ne  one.  And 
I  believe  this  is  a  pretty  g^ood  pledge  for  democracy 
iA  any  man  Unless  indeed,  liC  should  becon  e  a 
tt)ol  to  those  that  have  cousins  and  funds  ;  and  this 
he  will  riot  do  if  he  has  ^rzd/«?.  Htj  might  be  made  a 
despot,  but  this  can  only  be  by  the  peoples  destroy- 
\x\i^  the  essence  of  liberty,  by  pushing  it  to  licentious- 
ness. A  despot  is  a  spectre  which  vises  chiefly  from 
the  marsh  ol  licentiounncss.  It  was  ihe  jacobins  viatic 
Bonaparte  lihat  he  now  is. 


•136  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  IVi 


A  CAVALCADE  was  coming  by,  and  upon  en- 
quiry it  was  found  to  be  a  crowd  of  people  with  a  law- 
yer gagged.  The  knob  in  his  mouth  was  rather  long; 
and  ti:e  poor  man  seemed  lo  be  in  pain,  by  the  ex- 
tension of  Iiis  jaws.  He  could  not  speak  :  which  was 
a  great  firivaiion^  it  being  his  daily  employment,  and 
the  labour  of  his  vocation.  For  the  people  thought 
lie  spoke  loo  much,  or  at  least  was  tedious  in  his 
speeches,  and  took  up  the  time  of  the  court,  and 
jurits,  unnecessarily.  But  this  was  a  new  way  of 
correcting  amplification  in  an  orator.  It  is  true  that 
things  strike  more  than  words,  and  the  soldier,  in  a 
Roman  assembly,  -who  held  up  the  stump  of  his  arm 
lost  h;  battle,  pleaded  more  effectually,  for  his  bro- 
ther, the  accused,  than  all  the  powers  of  eloquence. 
But  it  was  a  wicked  thing,  and  entirely  a  la  mob,  to 
stretch  the  jaws  so  immeasurably.  But  the  people 
will  have  their  way;  -when  they  £;et  a  thing  into  their 
heads,  there  is  no  stopping  tiiem  ;  especially  on  a 
fair  day,  such  as  this  was.  It  is  true  the  tiling  was 
illegal,  and  he  could  have  his  action,  but  they  took 
their  chance  of  that.  The  fact  is,  the  tediousness  of 
lawyers,  in  their  harangues,  is  beyond  bearing,  and 
is  enough  to  drive  the  people  to  adjusimsni  bilUy  and 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1 57 

any  thing,  to  get  quit  of  them.  The  opener  of  a 
cause,  must  lead  you  into  the  whole  transaction,  in- 
stead of  leaving  it  to  the  evidence  to  do  it.  He  must 
give  you  a  view  of  the  whole  scope  of  his  case.  This 
Height  be  in  a  few  words.  But  he  wants  to  make  a 
speech  ;  a  strong  impression  at  the  first.  He  must 
tell  you  how  he  means  to  draw  up  his  evidence  ;'/iow 
tojlght  his  men.  I  should  not  like  my  adversary  to 
know  this  ;  I  would  not  tell  the  court,  lest  he  should 
hear  it.  What  would  we  thipk  of  a  £reneral  who 
should  mount  the  rostrum  in  the  presence  of  the  ene- 
my, and  explain  the  order  of  his  battle  ?  I  love  the 
art  of  managini^  a  cause  for  its  o"?tn  sake,  and  I  like 
to  see  it  scientifically  won.  The  less  speaking,  almost 
always,  the  better  for  a  cause.  There  is  such  a  thing, 
a:s  "  darkening  counsel  by  words  without  knowledge.** 
Atticisrn  is  favourable  to  fiercefition  in  the  hearer.  We 
do  not  carry  wheat  to  be  ground  before  it  is  sifted  of 
the  chaff.  Yet  there  may  be  an  error  on  the  other 
side.  The  declination  to  brevity  may  be  too  great. 
I  am  afraid  to  say  much  on  this  head,  lest  I  should 
be  understood  to  undervalue  eloquence,  and  check  it 
altogether.  But  certain  k  is,  that  the  excess  is  on 
the  side  of  quantity,  in  speaking  at  the  bar  at  present. 
The  juries  feel  it,  and^'t^VMst,.  and  turn  themselves  in- 
to all  shapes  to  avoid  it.  The  courts  feci  it,  and  on 
many  occasions,  groan  for  deliverance. 

What  necessity  on  a  point  of  law  to  read  all  cases, 
that  have  relation  to  the  subject?  To  give  a  lecture 
on  the  elementary  principle,  and  adduce  cases,  from 
the  first  decision  to  the  last.  Jt  has  been  in  vogue 
with  the  clergy,  to  begin  with  Genesis,  and  end  with 
Revelations;  to  prove  their  doctiine  as  they  go  along, 
by  an  enchainment  of  texts  ;  and  to  say  t'he.  same; 
thing  over  again,  in  many  different  words.  But  in 
demonstrating  the  forty-seventh  proposition  of  tho 
II  2  ^-   . 


133  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

first  book  of  Euclid,  we  do  not  lay  down  every  postu- 
late, and  axiom  ;  nor  do  we  go  through  the  demon- 
strulion  of  every  preceding  problem,  on  which  this  is 
built ;  but  we  refer  to  such  of  them  as  enter  into  that 
which  is  before  us.  The  demonstrations  of  Euclid 
are  brief ;  and  that  constiuies  their  excellence.  Ad 
eventum  festinat.  Here  is  no  detour  ;  or  winding 
that  does  not  accelerate,  and  force  the  conclusion. 

la  the  mean  time,  the  blind  lawyer  being  at  hand, 
dvlivering  a  lecture,  had  heard  of  the  tribulation  of 
his  brother  the  gag'd  lawyer  ;  and  for  the  honour  of 
the  profession,  stretching  out  his  hands  to  the  people, 
had  obtained  liis  enlargement  ;  and  the  removal  of 
the  p-'g.  But  it  was  said,  this  would  be  a  warning  ta 
the  advocate,  to  shorten  his  speeches  for  the  future. 
The  branks  which  had  been  upon  his  iiead  ;  that  is, 
the  woodys  which  had  tied  the  knob,  were  laid  aside 
for  anotlier  occasion. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  ISO 


CHAPTER  V. 


IT  was  a  legal  proreeding,  in  this  village,  that 
when  any  one  was  suspected'  of  insanity,  a  commis- 
sion of  lunacy  issued,  and  an  enquiiy  was  held  to  as- 
certain the  fact.  An  inquisition  was  holden  at  this 
time  on  the  body  of  a  man,  and  it  was  the  right  of 
the  defendant,  when  the  evidence  on  the  part  of  the 
commonwealth  was  closed,  to  be  heard  in  his  defence. 
On  this  occasion  the  accused  person  made  use  of  liis* 
privilege. 

THE    madman's    defence. 

FcUoiV'  Citizens  ; 

It  is  an  auk  ward  situation  in  which  yon  see  me 
placed,  to  be  obliped  to  m<  intuin  that  I  am  in  my 
right  mind^  and  not  out  of  my  senses.  Tor  even  if  I 
speak  sense,  you  may  altribme  it  to  a  bind  in  ft\al. 
It  is  not  a  difficult  matter,  to  fix  any  in^putatif  n  upon 
a  man.  It  is  only  to  fcdlow  it  well  up  •'  Line  upon 
line  ;  precept  upon  prtctpt ;  here  a  little  :ukI  there  a 
little  '*  There  is  nothing  but  a  U'ln's  own  life,  und 
a  course  of  conduct,  that  can  rebut  the  calun  ny.  It 
is  therefore  in  vain,  to  answer  in  L-azettes.  t<T  to  go 
out  into  the  streets  and  call  oui /aisc/wcd.     The  more 


140  MODERN  CHIVALRY, 

pains  you  take  to  defend  yourself,  the  more  it  is  fixed 
upon  you.  For  the  bulk  of  mankind  are  on  the  side 
of  the  calumniator,  and  would  rather  have  a  thing 
tiiie,  than  false.  I  believe  there  would  be  no  better 
way,  than  for  a  man  to  join  in,  and  slander  himself, 
until  the  weight  of  obloquy,  became  so  great,  that 
the  public  would  revolt,  and  from  believing  all,  be- 
lieve nothing.  1  have  known  this  tried  with  success. 
But  how  can  one  rebut  the  imputation  of  madness  ? 
How  disprove  insanity  ?  The  highest  excellence  of 
understanding,  and  madness,  like  the  two  ends  of  a 
right  line,  turned  to  a  circle,  are  said  to  come  to- 
gether. 

Nullum  magnum  ingenium  sine  mensura  dementise. 

Great  wits  to  madness  sure  are  near  allied  ; 
And  this  partitions  do  the  bounds  divide. 

Hence  you  will  infer  that  I  may  appear  rational, 
and  quick  of  perception,  and  even  just  in  judgment 
for  a  time,  and  yet  be  of  a  deranged  intellect.  What 
can  I  tell  you,  but  that  it  is  the  malice  of  my  ene- 
mies, thai  have  devised  this  reproach,  in  order  to  hin- 
der my  advancement  in  state  affairs  ?  It  is  true  there 
are  some  things  in  my  habit,  and  manner  that  may 
have  given  colour  to  tlie  charge  ;  singularities.  But 
a  man  of  study,  and  abstract  thought,  will  have  singw 
la  ides,  Henry  Fielding's  Parson  Adams  ;.  and  Doc- 
tor Oikborn  in  Mrs.  D'  Arbray's  Camilla,  are  ex- 
amples of  this.  A  man  of  books  will  be  abstract,  or 
absent  in  conversation,  sometimes  in  business. 

A  man  of  books,  said  the  Foreman  of  the  Jury  !  a 
scholar  1  Aii  1  You  are  a  scholar,  are  you.  Ah,  ha  ; 
that  is  enough  ;  we  want  no  more.  If  you  are  not  a 
madman,  you  must  be  a  knave^  and  that  comes  to  the 
same  thing.  Say,  gentlemen,  shall  we  find  him  guil' 
ty  ?     What  say  you,  is  he  mad  ? 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  Ui 

1.  Juryman  ;  he  seems  to  be  a  little  cracked, 

2.  He  does  not  appear  to  be  right  in  his  head, 
S.  I  cannot  think  him  in  iiis  right  mind, 

4.  He  is  beside  himself, 

5.  Crazy. 

6.  Out  of  his  reason. 

7.  Deranged. 

8.  Insane. 

9.  Mad. 

10.  Stark  mad. 

11.  As  mad  as  a  March  hare. 
12    Fit  for  Bedlam. 
Verdict —  Lunacy. 

The  court  to  whom  the  inquisition  was  returned, 
thought  it  a  hard  case,  as  there  was  no  other  evi- 
dence tlian  his  own  confession  of  being  addicted  /• 
boofcs^  and  gave  leave  to  move  an  arrest  of  judgment; 
and  ordered  him  before  themselves  for  examination. 

You  are  a  man  of  books 

A  little  so. 

What  books  have  you  read  ? 

History,  divinity. 

What  is  the  characteristic  of  history  \ 

Fiction. 

Of  xMovels? 

Truth. 

Of  metaphysics  ? 

Imagination. 

Of  natural  philosophy  \ 

Doubt. 

Wiiat  is  the  best  lesson  in  moral  philosophy  \ 

To  exfiect  no  gratitude. 

Wlm  is  the  best  qualification  of  a  politician  ? 

Honesty. 

The  next  best  ? 

Jl^nowledge. 


142  MODERN  CHIVALRY, 

The  next  best  ? 

Fortitude. 

Who  serves  the  people  best  ? 

Not  always  him  that  fileases  them  most. 

It  seems  to  the  Court,  said  the  Chief  Justice,  that 
the  man  is  not  aitos^ether  mad.  He  appears  rational 
in  some  of  his  answers.  We  shall  af/W^e  ujion  it. 


MODERN  CHIVALRYi  14S 


OBSERVATIONS* 

THERE  has  certainly  been  a  great  deal  of 
''vainlearning  in  the  wo-rld  ;  and  ^ood  ntitural  sense 
has  been  undervalued.  '^  Too  much  learning  may 
make  a  man  mad."  It  may  give  him  a  pride  and  vani- 
ty that  unfits  for  the  transaction  of  serious  affairs.  I 
would  rather  have  a  sober  sedate  man  of  common 
sense  in  public  councils,  than  a  visionary  sciolist  just 
from  the  academies.  But  solid  science  is  ornamental, 
as  well  as  useful  in  a  government.  Literary  acquire- 
ments may  be  undervalued.  A  man  may  not  be  a 
scholar  himself  ;  but  he  may  have  a  son  that  may. 
"  The  child  may  rue  tliat  is  unborn.  * 
A  check  given  to  the  love  of  letters.  The  offspring 
of  a  plain  farmer  may  be  a  philosofiher  ;  a  laivijtra 
judge.  Let  not  the  simplest  man  tliereiVne  set  li:-^ht  by 
literary  studies.  The  bulk  of  our  youths  aie  suffici- 
ently disposed  to  indolence  of  themselves.  It  requirts 
all  the  inciter,  ent  of  honours  and  emoluments  to  trim 
the  midnight  lamp..  The  rivalshifi  of  the  s'a'es  ought 
to  be  in  iheir  Jiublic  foundation^  ;  in  producing  men  of 
letters.  Popular  distrust  of  them  ought  not  to  be 
promoted.  The  coxcomb;  the  macaroni  springs  up 
in  the  cities  :  Tiie  illiterdte  in  the  coimtry  viihige. 
Legal  knowledge,  and  political  learning,  are  the  sta- 
mina of  the  constitution  The  preserviition  of  the 
constitULion  is  the  stability  of  tlie  itate. 


Hi  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

Political  studies  ought  to  be  the  great  object  with 
the  generous  youth  of  a  republic  ;  not  for  the  sake  of 
place  or  profit ;  but  for  the  sake  of  judging  right, 
and  preserving  the  constitution  inviolate.  Flutarch's 
lives  ii  an  admirable  book  for  this  fiurfiose.  I  should 
like  to  see  an  edition  of  10,000  voluines  bought  up  in 
every  state.  Plutarch  was  a  lover  of  virtue,  and  his 
reflections  are  favourable  to  all  that  is  great  and  good 
amongst  men. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.      U; 


CHAPTER  VI. 


THE  madman  ^eing  out  upon  bail,  walked  a- 
bout  seemingly  disconsolate  ;  and  fell  in  vith  a  phi- 
lanthropic perbon,  who  endea^oul■cd  to  console  him. 
You  may  think  yourself  fortunate,  said  he,  that  the 
charge  had  not  been  that  you  wfrf  dtad.  Youmight 
have'heen  tumbitd  into  a  coffin,  and  buried  before 
you  were  aware.  V/hen  a  public  clamour  is  once 
raised,  there  is  no  resisting  it.  People  will  have  the 
thing  to  be  so,  lest  there  should  be  no  news.  For  the 
stagnation  of  intclUgence  is  equal  tc  the  want  oi  breath. 
I  will  venture  to  say  that  in  three  days,  were  1  to  un- 
dertake it,  I  could  have  it  believed  that  liie  soul  had 
gone  out  of  your  body,  and  that  you  were  a  walking 
mummy.  It  is  only  to  insist  upon  it,  and  spread  it, 
and  a  part  will  be  credited  ;  at  first,  and  Bnahy  the 
whole.  Thank  foriunt  that  you  are  upon  your  feet 
upon  the  earth.  You  are  not  tlie  fir^t  that  have  been 
buried  alive.  On  opening  a  coffin,  tlie  corpse  has  been 
foimd  turn'u  upon  its  iace.  In  a  tomb  it  has  been 
found  out  of  the  coffin,  and  laying  where  it  had  wan- 
dered, thinking  to  get  out. 

Good  heavens  1  said  tiie  madman,  this  is  enough 
to  turn  one*b  br.an  ind^^cd.  I  begin  to  feel  iny  t  ei^d 
swimming.  Is  it  possible  that  w'itiiout  the  least  foun* 

PART  II.  VOL.  1.  N 


^■'tN, 


146  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

elation,  siich  a  proposiiion  should  come  to  be  believ- 
ed ?  Believed ;  ay  ;  and  people  would  be  found  to 
swear  to  it.  You  have  no  conception  from  how  small 
beginnings  great  things  arise. 

Ingrediturque  solo,   &  caput  inter  nubila  condit. 

You  have  seen  a  luood-fiecker.  It  is  astonishing  how 
large  a  hole  ii  makes  with  so  small  a  beak.  It  is  ow- 
in^  to  succeis&ive  impressions.  Since  common  fame 
lias  begun  with  you,  it  is  wtll  that  it  has  taken  that 
turn  ;  and  made  you  orily  mad. 

If  that  is  the  case,  said  the  inaji  ofbooks^  I  ought  to 
be  reconcih^d.     It  niight  have  been  worse. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.       UT 


CHAPTER  Vn. 


IT  may  seem  strange  tliat  in  the  present  cur- 
vent  of  prejudice  ac^ainst  learning-,  and  learned  men, 
the  schoolmaster  had  not  been  taken  up,  that  spoke 
lAitin.  The  fact  was,  the  people  did  not  know  that 
it  was  Latin.  Some  took  it  for  one  lani^uuge,  and 
some  for  another.  Thus,  when  he  accos'ed  persons 
in  the  street,  with  his  puzzlin^^  phrases  to  translate, 
either  on  account  of  the  peculiarity  of  the  idiom,  or 
the  elipsis  of  the  sentence,  answers  were  given  cor- 
respondent to  the  mistake.     Thus  ; 

Nil  admirari 

I  do  not  understand  Spanish. 

Simplex  munditiis 

I  never  learned  Welsh. 

Ambie;uoque  vultu 

It  is  Greek  to  me. 

Lacrimae  re  rum — _. 


I  do  not  understand  Dutch, 
Mea  Valenliam,  si  quis- 


I  have  never  been  among  the  Indians, 


"Esse  Sua 


Parati 

Potatoes  are  very  good. 


14S  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

As  for  the  blind  lawyer,  humanity  interposed  on 
his  behalf.  There  is  a  generosity  in  the  public  mind 
that  leads  tliem  to  pass  by  the  unfortunate.  The  so- 
vereign people,  like  other  sovereigns,  do  not  make 
war  upon  bats.  His  lectures  were  short,  and  did  not 
cost  much.  The  Joss  of  money,  leaves  a  bite  behind 
it  worse  than  the  stinsj  of  the  Wdsp.  It  is  this  that 
excites  a* prejudice  agviinst  lawyers  ;  and  yet  people 
are,  themselves,  to  blame.  It  is  their  own  self-love, 
and  unwillingness  to  think  themselves  in  the  wrong, 
that  leads  to  law.     Covttousness,  deceives. 

O,  si  fingulus  ille,  mihi  foret • 

I  must  have  tliat  nuke  of  woods,  that  rins  out  there. 
It  will  mak  a  calf  pasture. 

1  admit  that  bar  oratory  is  carried  to  excess,  and 
there  is  too  much  of  it  occasionally  ;  it  is  valued  by 
the  quAUtity,  more  than  the  quality.  But  there  is  a 
threat  deal  of  excciknt  oratory  to  be  found  at  the  bar. 
There  are  stamina,  though  retrenchments  might  be 
mude. 

Cum  luculentus  flueret, 

Eral  quod  tollcre  posses. 

The  qfveat  d'.'ftct  is,  the  makin;^  many  points;  the 
cat  that  had  but  one  way  to  escape,  stood  as  good  a 
cljance,  as  the  fux  that  had  a  thousand.  Seize  the 
turning  point  of  the  cause  ;  if  it  can  be  done,  and 
canvass  that.  The  stroke  of  the  eye,  or  coup  d*  eil, 
which  characterizes  the  great  general,  is  the  being 
?^M  to  see,  at  ^.ce,  the  commandiug  point  of  the 
iifid :  to  abandon  out  posts,  and  concentrate  his  forces. 
Why  need  a  mun  be  taking  time  to  shew,  in  how- 
many  ways,  he  Can  kill  a  squirrel  ?  If  he  can  take  him 
down  with  a  rifle  bidl,  at  once,  it  i^  enough. 

Oratory  has  no  where  a  finer  province,  than  at  the 
bar.     In  a  deliberative  assembly,  there  is  no   such 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  1:9 

icope.  Questions  of  finance  have  nothing  to  do  with 
the  heart.  No  man  can  be  an  orator  at  the  bar,  that 
has  not  a  burning^  love  of  juslice.  For  it  is  this  gives 
the  soul  of  oratory.  An  advocate  thinkinj''  merely  of 
the  fee  can  be  no  orator.  The  soul  must  be  expand- 
ed by  the  love  of  virtue. 

In  a  deliberative  assembly,  it  is  difficult  to  be  honest. 
Party  will  not  suffer  it.  At  the  bar  a  man  may  b^ 
honest.  For,  iu  a  cause  he  is  not  supposed  to  speak 
his  own  sentiments,  but  to  present  his  side  of  the  ar- 
gument ;  and  with  truth  in  his  statements.  The  at- 
tempting to  hold  what  is  not  tenable^t'is  a  mark  of 
tvcakness.  Why  t!ien  a  prejudice  against  lawyers  ? 
I  exclude  attornies  that  are  mere  vimey  gatherers  ; 
or  p:'ofessional  men,  that  screw  the  needy,  and  grind 
the  faces  of  tlie  poor.  Such  there  will  always  be. 
But  nature  fire  H€  at  %  nothing  ivithout  an  allay  of  evil. 

As  to  the  bhnd  fiddler  if  it  should  be  asked,  why  he 
was  not  accounted  mad,  it  was  because  he  was  not 
denounced.  There  is  a  great  deal  in  calling  out  mad 
dog.  Besides,  the  insignificance  of  the  spraper,  pro- 
tected hini  in  the  republic.  He  was  so  busy  scraping, 
that  he  never  middled  rjith  politics^  and  this  was  a 
great  help  And  as  he  played  every  tune  to  every 
one  that  asked,  having  no  predilection  for  Langoleej 
above  Etric  Banks,  he  gave  no  offence. 

Nunquam  contra  torrentem,  brachia, 

Direxit,  sic  octaginta  unnos  vidit  in  aula. 


K  2 


Ko»      MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  VHI, 


A  CATTLE  driver  had  come  from  the  <ivester» 
■iilcjneiits^  lo  exchange  at  the  fair,  stork,  for  salt, 
iron,  and  worn  «.  In  barter  for  the  last  article,  a  cow 
v.'as  p;iv'en  for  a  girl.  The  settler  went  out,  in  the 
f.rst  instance,  Witii  a  rifle,  a  hatchet,  and  a  kJiapsack. 
Having-  hxecl  on  a  spot  at  a  spring  head,  the  next 
thing  was  to  fall  sapiir.s  ana  construct  a  hut.  A  small 
piece  of  ground  was  then  cleared  of  the  under-wood, 
and  this  tbrn>ecl  into  a  bi  usii  fence  to  inclose  it.  He 
rt-turned  then  to  the  interior  of  the  country,  and  the 
next  sunniier,  going  out  with  a  hoe,  and  a  stock  of 
providons,  on  a  pack-liorae,  he  began  his  cultivation. 
Having  tallied  a  bufiudoe,  or  got  a  cow  from  Padau 
Aram,  he  iiad  in  clue  time,  milk  in  al.'undance.  This 
put  it  into  liis  head  to  get  a  milk-maid ;  in  other  words 
a  wife.  The  traders  in  tliis  article,  usually  cho^e  tljose 
of  the  iess  ofiutent^  Vr  host*  dress  answered  all  the  ends 
of  fashion  without  the  affvCation.  The  clbonvs  ivere 
tarf,  because  the  sleeves  did  not  reach  J  and  the  fold- 
ing doors  of  the  bosom  were  undravrn,  because  they 
bad  been  always  open.  There  was  no  occasion  for 
fle^h  coloui'ed  pantaloons  ;  for  the  pantaloons  were 
tlie  ivatured  flesh  itself,  discovered  through  the  rents 
of  the  muslin  by  (he  wavmg  of  the  wind,  like  a  light 
cioLid  upon  a  bed  of  air,  in  an  April  day. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  <51 

When  these  virgins,  "  nothinj^  loath,'*  hnd  been 
conducted  to  the  bowers  mantltd  with  the  natural  vine, 
an  offspring  arose  in  a  few  years,  such  as  that  from 
whence  the  poets  have  drawn  their  best  fictions.  You 
will  have  no  occasion  to  read  Ovid's  Mttaniojp'rosis, 
to  have  an  ima<re  of  Dapl.ne,  or  Proserpine;  Diana 
and  her  nymphs  ;  the  Dryads,  Hamadryads,  or  other 
personages  Just  cross  over  into  these  new  forests 
and  there  you  have  them  in  reality  :  maids  butiiing 
their  snowy  limbs  in  transparent  streanis  ;  climbing 
the  mountain  top,  collecting  fiowers,  or  gatlitring  ihe 
berries  of  the  wood  *  Nature  is  here  in  her  bloom  ; 
no  decay  or  decrepitude.  All  fragrancy,  heaiti,  ?nd 
vivacity. 

The  stripling  of  these  woods,  is  dislin.uiuished  from 
the  city  beau  ;  but  it  will  not  become  rue  to  say  wlio 
has  the  advantage  :  whether  the  attitude  of  the  pre- 
sented rifle  ;  or  that  of  the  segar  in  the  teeth,  is  the 
most  manly  ?  Which  looks  best,  the  luHuing  s!  irt 
open  at  the  neck,  or  the  roll  of  musiin  thi|t  covers  it, 
and  swells  upon  the  clun  ?  Tliese  are  things  to  l>c 
canvassed  by  the  curious  I  am  of  opinion,  however, 
that  it  is  better  to  be  clear  sighted  than  puibiind,  and 
to  be  able  to  see  a  deer  in  a  thicket,  than  to  have  ntcd 
of  a  glass,  before  the  nose  to  direct  the  bt.ps  where 
there  is  nothing  to  stumble  over. 

It  can  be  no  slur  upon  the  descendant  of  a  westt  in 
settler,  that  his  mother  was  obtaint:d  in  birttr,  v. i.h 
her  hair  descending  to  her  girdle  ;  or  wa\ing  in  ring, 
lets  on' he  V  shoulders  ;  and  the  moisture  of  h.tr  t\e 
brightened  witli  a  tear  at  the  emigration  ;  when  he 
considers,  that,  in  all  times,  and  in  ul!  places,  mi.tii- 
mony,  to  use  the  pun  of  Bishop  Latimer,  has  been, 
in  a  great  degree,  a  matter  of  mtney  ;  and  the  roj  bi- 
deration  of  the  contract  not  alwavs  wlun  the  lawytra 
Cidi  a  ^ood  co?m(i€rationj  that  is  affection  i  but  a  \ali!* 


152  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

able  one,  luealth.  Even  if  the  circumstance  should 
be  considered  as  less  honourable  than  a  marriage  set^ 
tlement  moiih  forms^  und  perfect  equality,  in  the  trans- 
action ;  it  will  be  forgotten  in  a  century  or  two,  and  it 
may  come  to  be  doubted  whether  there  nvas  ever  such 
a  thing  as  barter  at  all. 


A  noise  of  a  different  kind  was  now  heard  in  an- 
other quarter.  It  was  occasioned  by  a  brick-bat  which 
had  fallen  from  the  heavens,  or  the  lop  of  a  chimneys 
or  been  thrown  by  some  one,  which  is  just  iS  likely, 
and  hit  the  stall  of  an  honest  Irenchman,  who  sold 
hair-powder.  He  construed  it  an  insult,  and  insisted 
upon  knowing,  what  no  one  could  infoim  him  of; 
or  if  they  could,  was  not  disposed  to  do  it  ;  that  is, 
whence  it  cume  ?  Diuble  !  diable  I  said  he,  in  a  rage. 
Si  j*etois,  d*  en  la  France.  If  I  vere  in  my  own  con- 
tree — Le  miserable  police.  Dish  contree  has  une 
ver  bad  police. 

A  I'  en  enfer, — Foutre.  Foutre-  Foutre  I 

Paice  que  je  suis  un  jacobin.  I  be  de  jacobin. 
Dish  ish  de  enrage.  Viil  kill  all  de  honest  re-publican. 

Ah  !  Messieurs  aristocrats;  c' est  que  vous  voulez 
me  tuer — C  est  une  terrible  conspiiation.  h  ish  van 
terrible  conspiiuty 

Civility  to  a  Jbreigncr  induced  the  multitude  to  in- 
terpose, an(i  endeavour  to  purify.  But  strangeis  are 
jealous,  and  it  was  an  h(;ur  beiore  he  could  be  per- 
suaded by  some  that  spoke  tl:e  language,  to  believe 
that  the  thing  mi>,iit  Imve  been  a  matter  of  accident. 
He  liad  threatene('  to  make  a  rtpiesentaticn  to  the 
government,  and  demand  the  inlerposition  oi  the  ex- 
ecutive. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  iS3 

There  is  reason  to  think  that  he  had  dropped  it ; 
fts  we  have  seen  no  diplomatic  correspondence  on  the 
subject. 


A  seller  of  patent  medicines  gave  out  that  he  had 
bought  them  from  a  chymist  who  had  invented  a  ne-u; 
vegetable.  Discovered,  you  mean,  said  a  naturalist. 
No  ;  Invented.,  said  the  patent  doctor.  He  made  it 
him'^elf.  I  have  some  of  the  seeds  in  my  pocket. 
Out  of  what  did  lie  make  it  ?  Hydrogen  ;  oxygen  j 
carbonic  acid,  and  muriate  of  soda. 

It  is  beyond  my  comprehension  :  what  does  the 
seed  look  like,  said  the  naturalist  ?  Coriander  seed  ; 
or  tnustard,  said  the  doctor.  Here  is  a  sample  of  it, 
givir.g  him  a  grain  or  two. 

And  it  is  out  of  this  you  make  your  drops,  said  th.c 
naturalist?  Certainly,  said  t'lc  doctor. 

And  a  new  seed  will  produce  new  drops,  said  t:  c- 
naturalibt ;  and  perform  new  cures  in  the  world. 

Undeubtedly,  said  the  doctor:  what  use  could  there 
be  in  inventing  it,  if  it  did  not  ? 

I  wish  he  would  invent  a  ntw  /ilanet,  said  the  na- 
turalist. 

That  he  could  do  readily  enough,  said  the  doctor  ; 
but  there  are  more  than  are  good  already.  They  shed 
malign  injluences. 

Aye,  quo*  the  Scotchman  j  there  is  such  a  tiling 
AS  <'  evil  siurs" 


iU  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  IX. 


A  coMPAXY  of  village  players  were  actinjy  a 
pantOTnimc.  ILulequin  represenled  a  politician  with 
the  people  on  his  back.  Incurvatecl  and  groaning,  he 
seemed  to  (eel  the  pressure  exceedingly, 

I  like  burlesque  very  well,  said  a  spectator.  A 
man  must  ima:j:ine  himself  Atlas,  forsooth,  nvifh  the 
heavens  on  his  tihouldLns  !  The  people  would  walk  on 
their  feet  if  he  would  let  them  alone.  What  matters 
it,  if  by  attempting  to  sustain  them,  he  gets  his  rump 
broke  ? 

That  is  all  the  thanks  a  patriot  ever  got,  said  a 
yise  man. 

Are  not  the  people  strong  enough  of  themselves  ? 
said  the  spectator. 

Strength  of  mind  is  improvable,  said  the"w^emrn. 
Hence  strength  of  mind  differs  more  than  strength  cf 
body.  The  agjrregate  of.  mind  is  one  thing  and  a 
distin5i:ui5hed  mind  another.  It  is  not  so  absurd,  to 
suppose  that  one  mind,  in  a  particular  case,  may  ex- 
cel another.  The  socicd  compact  is  a  noble  study. 
He  who  has  devoted  himself  greatly  to  it,  may  be 
supposed  to  have  made  some  progress.  Why  should 
he  not  have  credit  for  his  good  intentions  ?  Why 
make  him  the  object  of  a  public  exhibition,  because 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  155 

he  thinks  himself  the  support  of  the  community  ? 
Public  spirit  ought  to  be  supported,  and  hints  well 
meant,  well  taken.  It  is  but  an  innocent  hypocon- 
driasis  for  a  man  to  apprehend  that  he  is  doing  good, 
by  his  lucubrations.  That  he  is  a  pillar  of  the  com- 
monwealth. 

See  how  he  grins,  and  balances,  said  the  spectator, 
speaking  of  the  Harlequin,  because  ihe  ^leojile^  in  his 
cpinion^  are  too  much  to  the  one  side. 

It  is  an  easy  thing  to  turn  even  virtue  into  ridicule, 
said  the  wise  man.  But  selfishness  was  never  an  amia- 
ble quality.  And  can  tlierc  be  a  nobler  eHort  of  be- 
nevolence than  to  seek  the  pubiic  good  ?  If  one  indi- 
vidual misses  it  ;  anoilicr  hits  ;  and  the  piinciple  is 
salutary.  It  is  not  him  that  sails  with  the  wind  of 
popular  opinion  that  always  consults  the  interest  of 
the  populace  At  the  same  time,  I  am  for  keejdvg 
tifi  the  spirit  of  the  fieo/de.  It  is  the  armosfihere  ofli- 
berty.  And  tliough  this  atmosphere  is  the  regioii  of 
I'irhtning  and  engenders  storms.,  yet  m  it  we  breathe.,  and 
rave  our  being.  But  I  speak  of  the  angel  that  guides 
the  hurricane  ;  the  good  man  of  more  tempeiMe 
counsels  ,  and  who,  from  age,  experience,  or  extent 
ofliiopght,  sees  the  consequence  of  things,  and  I'p- 
[lies  the  prudence  of  restruhit  to  the  common  mind 
in  the  violence  of  its  emoions. 

Why  shall  we  censure  such  a  man  should  he  in- 
dulge the  ambition  of  restraining  th-e  people  ;  or  ra- 
ther of  supportmg  them  by  counselling  mcdtiatic.n. 
He  is  sometimes  the  best  friend  that  refn^ovts.  A  flat- 
terer never  was  a  friend.  The  caricature  o  a  man 
having  the  people  on  his  back,  is  an  aristoc  ratic  f^  tch 
to  discourage  a  love  for  the  people,  and  a  disposiiion 
to  promote  their  leal  interest.  This  Harh  qtiin  is  set 
on  by  the  enemies  of  the  people,  and  with  a  view  to 
disparage  republican  exertions. 

The  spectator  was  silent. 


156  MODERN  CHIVALRY: 

While  the  Harlequin  was  acting  The  Opfiresied 
Politician^  as  the  pantomime  was  called,  a  pedlar  had 
thrown  himself  into  nearly  a  similar  position  ;  and 
though  it  may  seem  strange,  an  accidental  conjunction 
of  attitude.  He  had  got  his  stall  on  his  back  ;  and 
gave  out  that  lie  had  taken  an  oath,  not  to  set  it  down, 
until  the  people  at  the  fair,  had  bought  off  all  his 
goods.  He  was  on  his  hands,  and  feet,  and  bellowing 
like  the  bull  of  Phalaris,  affecting  to  be  overcome, 
with  the  lo.id  of  his  p  ick  The  people,  out  of  huma- 
nity ;  creduljus  to  his  distress,  came  from  every  quar- 
ter to  hear  liis  complaint,  and  ease  him  of  his  goods. 
A  pirtner  was  handing  out  the  merchandize,  and  dis- 
pc•^in;>  to  the  customer,  as  fast  as  he  could  come  at  the 
articles.  The  back-bent  man,  in  the  mean  time,  in 
his  inclined  posture,  was  gathering  up  the  dollars, 
thrown  upon  the  ground,  and  putting  tiiem  into  his 
hat ;  not  omitting,  tlie  groans  necessary  to  attract  a 
con'.inuance  of  commiseration. 

Ciui^tian  people,  said  he,  ease  me  of  my  wares,  or 
I  shall  have  to  break  my  back,  or  to  break  my  oath. 

You  liad  belter  break  your  oath  than  your  back, 
said  a  man  pas-rig  i:>y;  1  have  no  money  to  throw 
away  upon  a  ro;.cue.    • 

A  roi;ue  !  S^id  the  burthened  man.  If  I  were  a 
rogue  I  could  break  my  outh  ;  but  it  is  conscience 
keeps  me  litre  I  ci^nnot  break  my  oath  ;  and  my  back 
must  be  b:  oke.  Help  good  peopMhelp;  buy  my  wares 
and  ease  use  of  my  load. 

You  son  of  a  whore,  said  a  rude  man,  cannot  you 
stand  up.  and  your  pack  will  fall  off? 

Ay  but  it  is  my  oaih,  said  the  Pedlar,  that  keeps  it 
on,  uu'ilall  my  goods  be  bought. 

It  ish  a  lam  sheat,  said  an  honest  German  ;  he  ish 
a  liar  and  a  rogue.  His  back  ish  not  broke  more  ash 
mine.     His  pack  ish  light  ash  a  feather  j    wid  shilks, 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  i57 

and  such  tings,  dsit  weigh  nothing.  He  is  a  tarn  sheat 
and  a  rogue. 

I  am  muckle  o*  your  way  o'  thinkinp^,  said  Donald 
Bain,  the  weaver  ;  it  is  a'  a  stratagem,  to  get  his  hand 
in  folks  pockets,  and  wile  awa'  the  penny.  The  deei  an 
aith  has  he  ta'en.     It  is  a'  a  forgery. 

It  ish  a  devlish  contrivance,  said  the  German. 

It  is  all  de  love  of  de  monish,  said  a  Jew.  His  con- 
science is  monish  ;  I  go  anodei*  way  to  de  exchange 
dish  morning. 

Nevertheless  credulity  prevailed  :  and  some  conti- 
nued to  purchase. 


If  at  the  hundreth  edition  of  this  work,  a  century 
or  two  hence,  it  should  be  pubUshed  with  cuts,  like 
Don  Quixotte,  and  other  books  of  an  entertaining 
oust  ;  tiie  figure  of  the  Pedlar  and  his  pack  may  af- 
ford a  good  drawing  ;  and  the  Hculequin,  at  the  same 
time,  with  the  people  on  his  buck. 

I'iie  moral  of  the  dut^es^ed  jiolitician  is  obvious  to 
every  one.  It  is  natural  for  us  to  suppose  thai  the 
world  cannot  do  without  us.  O  wliat  will  they  do 
when  we  are  gone,  is  tiie  laus^uage  of  almost  every 
man's  heart  in  some  way  or  other.  I  will  vtnture  to 
suy  there  are  chimney  sweepers,  who  titir.k  that  all 
will  go  to  pot.  when  they  drop  off.  Yet  the  world 
goes  on  its  g:ud;^cons,  and  all  things  that  are  therein 
revolve  just  as  before  I 

What  will  we  do  for  a  general,  said  one  to  me, 
"when  Fayette  deserted  to  Sedan. 

What  ?   when  Duinourier  went  off  said  another  ? 

He  may  be  yer.  in   the  ranks  said  ./,  ivho   will  iermi' 

PAKT  II.  VOL.  I,  O 


l^s  MODERN  CHlVALRtr*' 

nate  the  revolution.  It  came  nearly  to  pass  ;  for  the 
Corsican  was  at  that  time  but  in  the  low  grade  of  what 
we  call  a  subaltern. 

I  have  reflected  with  myself  whence  it  is  that  men 
of  slow  minds,  and  moderate  capacities,  and  with  less 
zeal  and  perhaps  less  principle,  execute  offices,  and 
sustain  functions  with  less  exception,  than  others  of 
more  vigour  and  exertion  ;  and  I  find  it  owing  to  a 
single  secret  ;  laissez  nous  faire  ;  "  let  us  be  doing  :" 
that  is.  Jet  subordinates,  do  a  great  deal  themselves. 
"  He  is  right  ;'*  it  is  well  ;  and  if  it  is  wrong,  self- 
love  saves  the  error  :  men  had  rather  be  suffered  to 
be  wrong,  than  to  be  set  right  against  their  wills. 
What  errors  of  stupidity  have  I  seen  in  life,  in  the 
small  compas-;  of  my  experience,  and  the  sphere  of 
my  information  ;  and  these,  errors  the  object  of  in- 
i^ulgcnce,  because  there  was  nothing  said  or  done  to 
wound  tlie  pride  «5f  the  employer.  This  is  a  lesson  to 
hu:n;'ii  pride  and  vanity.  It  is  a  lesson  of  prudence  to 
the  impetuous.  The  sun  lets  every  planet  take  its 
course  ;  and  so  did  General  Washington.  That  was 
t!ie  happy  facuky  that  made  Isim  popular. 

His  forf  was,  in  some  degree,  the  laissez  nous  faire  j 
••'  The  not  doing  too  much.'* 

Yet  the  lovers  of  an  art,  may  be  excused  in  being 
hurt  when  tiiey  see  the  artist  err.  The  lovers  of  the 
public  may  deserve  praise  who  wish  to  set  the  world 
right  and  do  a  little  towards  it.  It  is  the  error  of  vi* 
gorous  minds,  to  say  the  ier.st  of  it ;  and  oftentimes, 
the  excess  of  virtue. 

Son^etimes,  it  is  ari  instinctive  impulse  qfe.fiirit  that 
cannot  be  resisted.  Alcibiades  superseded  in  the  com- 
mand of  the  Athenian  army,  but  remaining  in  the 
neighbourhood  could  not  avoid  pointing  out  to  the  ge- 
nerals who  succeeded  him  and  who  were  his  enemies^ 
the  errors  they  were  about  to  commit,  and  which  ad- 


'1 


'MODERN  Clin'ALRY 


i:j 


vice,  neglecting-,  they  were  overthrown  with  their  for- 
ces, by  the  Lacedemonians  under  the  conduct  of  Ly- 
Sander,  and  disgraced.  Moreau  though  superseded 
by  the  directoly,  and  serving  only  as  a  volunteer,  step- 
ped forward  to  an  unauthorized  command,  and  saved 
the  armv  en  the  defeat,  and  death  of  Joubcrt. 


The  crilic  will  say,  wha  use  cc.n  there  be  in  such 
representations  ?  We  do  not  write  altogether  for 
grave,  or  even  grown  men  ;  our  book  is  not  for  a  day 
only.  We  mean  it  for  the  coming  gen-. ration,  as 
well  as  the  present ;  and  intending  solid  observations, 
ive  interlard  fikasantry  to  make  the  boys  read. 


<^G       MODERN  CHIVALRV. 


CHAPTER  i. 


CONTAINIXG    EXPLANATIONS. 

IN  my  observations  on  the  licence  of  the  Jn  cm 
in  tlie  early  pages  of  tiiis  book,  it  may  be  seen  lliat  I 
have  had  in  \\it\v  Jiersonal^  and  not /coiiiicai  stricture. 
The  difference  of  these  I  cunnot  so  well  express  as  in 
the  words  of  the  greatest  orator  in  the  knowledge  of 
history,  Curran  of  Inland.  I  quote  him  to  give  my- 
self an  opportunity  of  saying  how  much  1  admire  him. 
It  is  on  Finerty^s  trial  for  a  libel,  thai  the  following- 
correct  sentiments  are  beautifully  expressed. 

*•  Havhig  stated  to  you  gentlemen,  the  great  and 
exclusive  extent  of  your  jurisdiction,  I  shall  beg  leave 
to  suggest  to  you  a  disiinclion  that  will  strike  you  at 
first  si'^ht;  and  that  is  the  distinction  between  piiblic 
aniinadverr>ions  upon  the  character  of  private  indivi- 
duals, and  those  which  are  written  upon  measures  of 
government,  and  the  persons  who  conduct  them  ;  the 
former  may  be  called  personal,  and  the  latter  political 
publications.  No  two  things  can  be  more  different  in 
their  nature,  nor,  in  the  point  of  view  in  which  they 
are  to  be  looked  on  by  a  jury.  The  criminality  of  a^ 
merely  personal  libel,  consists  in  this,  that  it  tends  to 
a  breach  of  the  peace  j  it  tends  to  all  the  vindictive 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  161 

paroxisms  of  exasperated  vanity  ;  or  .to  the  deeper, 

and  more  dehdly  vengeance  of  irritated  pride. The 

truth  is,  few  men  see  at  once  tliat  they  cannot  be  hurt 
so  much  as  they  think  by  the  mere  battery  of  a  news- 
paper. They  do  not  reflect,  that  every  character  has 
a  natural  station,  from  which  it  cannot  be  eff-ctually 
degraded,  and  beyond  wliich  it  cannot  be  raised  by 
thebawlings  of  a  news-hawker  If  it  is  wantonly  as- 
persed, it  is  but  for  a  season,  aJid  that  a  short  one 
WHEN  IT  EMERGES  LIKE  THE  iMOON 
FROM  BEHIND  A  PASSING  CLOUD  TO  ITS 
ORIGINAL  BHiGHfNESS.  Iris  ri.^Hu  however, 
that  the  law  and  that  you,  should  hold  tlie  stiicttst 
hand  over  this  kind  of  public  animadversion  that 
forces  humility  and  innocence  from  their  retreat 
into  the  glare  of  public  view  * — That  wounds  and  sacri- 
fices that  destroys  the  cordiuiiiy  and  peace  of  domestic 
life;  and,  that,  without  eradicatintr  a  single  vice  or  a 
single  folly,  plants  a  thousand  thorns  in  the  humwi 
keart." 


It  will  not  give  universal  satisfaction  to  have  in- 
troduced the  name  of  Porcupine,  or  Calender.  Tor 
though  no  man  can  rtspt;ct  these  characters;  yet,  con- 
sciousness of  having  once  favoured  them  from  other 
motives,  will  touch  the  self  love  of  some,  as  it  vAW  be 
said  the  one  is  dead  ;  and  the  other  run  away,  and  it 
"Was  not  worth  whilf,  or  perhaps  liberal,  to  make  use 
of  their  names  even  in  a  dramatic  way  ;  or  as  a  cha- 
racter in  a  fable.  As  to  Porcupine,  it  was  said  at  the 
time,  that  thon;<h  occasionally  coarse  in  hvi  languap^e, 
ami  gross  in  iiis  refltctioris,  yet  such  a  spirit  and  stjk 
o  2 


162  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

of  writinp^,  was  necessary  to  counteract  the  excess  of 
democratic  principles  ;  that  in  fact,  it  did  good.  I 
doubt  upon  that  liead  ;  or  rather  to  the  bv,st  of  my 
judgment,  it  did  harm  to  the  cause  which  it  was 
thoUf^ht  to  serve.  Individuation  is  insensibly  transfer- 
ed  from  the  advocate  to  the  cause. 

It  has  been  said,  in  the  British  Parliament,  that 
"  He  deserved  a  statue  of  gold  for  the  services  ren- 
dered here  "  This  is  a  great  mistake.  He  did  injury 
to  the  character  of  British  manners  and  liberality.  It 
produced  something  like  a  personal  resentmentagainst 
the  whole  nation  wiience  such  a  writer  came.  An 
intemperate  partiz.  n  in  public  or  in  private  life,  can 
never  serve  any  cause. 

But  it  was  not  with  a  view  to  pourtray  this  spectre 
of  scurrility  that  the  name  is  introduced;  but  because 
it  suited  to  the  counterpart,  Polecat.  I  had  thought 
of  Panther  ;  but  Porcupine,  could  be  drawn  from  real 
life,  and  was  at  hand. 

I  will  not  say,  that  bffore  Porcupine  came  and 
since,  tliere  has  not  bten  a  portion  of  scurrility  in 
some  gaztttes,  univorthy  of  tke  firess.  There, has 
bt-en  too  much  ;  but  I  believe  the  example  and  the 
fate  of  this  monster,  and  uis  successor  Calender,  has 
greatly  coniributed  to  reform  the  abuse.  It  is  a  check 
upon  an  editor,  to  be  tlireatened,  not  with  a  prosecu- 
lion  ;  but  to  be  called,  a  Forcupine  j  or  a  Calender, 


It  will  be  natural  for  a  reader  to  apply  in  his 
©wn  mind,  the  history  of  the  village  and  its  agitations, 
to  the  sta^e  where  we  live;  and  it  will  be  asked,  what 
ground  is  there  for  the  idea,  that  here  we  talk  of  pull- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  168 

in^  down  churches  ;  or  burning^colleges.     Tl'cre  13 
no  ground  so  far  as  respects  churches  ;  but  it  is  in- 
troduced by  Wtiy  of  illustration.     What   if  any  one 
should  Say,  let  us   have  no  books,  ami   no  doct lines, 
but  the  ten  commandments,  the  Lord's  prayer,  and 
the  apostles  creed  ?    Give  us  the  gospel  in  a  narrow 
compass,  and  have  no  more  preaci  mg  about  it     1  hi3 
would  be  no  more  than  is  said  of  the  law  ;  why  can- 
not we  have  it  in  a  pocket  book,  anr'  let  every  man  be 
his  own  lawyer  ?    Our  acts  of  assembly  fill   several 
folio  volumes ;  and   yet  these  are  not  tiie  one  thou- 
sandth pail  of  our  law.     Why  not,  at  least,  put  the 
acts  of  assembly  in  a  nut  nhtd?     Ask  our  legislators. 
What  else  law  have  we  but  the  acts  of  the  legislative 
body  ?  The  law  of  nations  forms  a  part  of  the  munici- 
pal law  of  this  state.    This  law  is  of  great  extent,  and 
to  bci  collected  from  many  books     The  common  law, 
before  the  revolution,  madt  a  part  of  our  law  ;  and  by 
an  act  of  our  legislature  of  the  28lIi  J.muary,  1777,  it 
is  recognized  and  established  to  be  a  part  of  our  law, 
and  **  such  of  the  statute  laws  oj  England  as  have  here- 
to/ore  been  in  force  **     This  law  must  be  collected 
from  commentaries,  and  decisions.     It  is  of  an  im- 
mense extent.     Because  the  relations  of  men,  and  the 
contracts  of  parties,  are  of  an   infinite  variety.     But 
how  is  Turkey  governed?  Do  the  mufi  require  such 
a  multiplicity  of  rules  ?    No,  nor  the  cadi  m  Persia  ; 
because  '*  having  no  law,  they  aie  a  law  unto  them- 
selves "     There  is  no  jury  there.     It  must  be  a  pro- 
fession, a  business  of  study  to  understand  our  law  : 
we  cannot  therefore  burn  the  books  of  law,  or  court- 
houses, any  more  than  we  can  dispense  with  sermons 
*  and  commentaries  on  the  Bible  j  or  pull  down  religi- 
ous edifices. 

1  will  not  say,  that  people  talk  of  burning  colleges; 
but  they  do  not  talk  much  of  building  them  up.    The 


164  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

constitution  provides,  Art.  7.  "  That  the  legislature 
shall,  as  soon  as  conveniently  may  be,  provide  by  law 
for  the  establishment  of  schools  throughout  the  state, 
in  such  manner  tiiat  the  poor  may  be  taught  gratis." 
Sec,  11."  The  arts  and  sciences  shall  be  promoted 
in  one  or  more  sensinaries  of  learning."  We  do  not 
hear  of  much  exertion  on  this  head  ;  cither  in  the 
legislative  body,  or  out  of  doors.  But  what  is  more 
exceptionable  ;  or  at  least  unfortunate,  in  the  opinion 
of  literary  men,  and  perhaps  in  the  opinion  of  some 
that  have  the  misfortune  not  to  be  learned,  is  that 
learning  does  not  seem  to  be  in  repute  universally. 
The  surest  means  in  some  places,  as  is  said,  to  make 
your  Avay  to  a  public  function,  is  to  declaim  against 
learning.  It  avouIcI  be  a  libel  on  the  body  politic,  if 
a  state  could  be  the  subject  of  a  libel,  to  say,  or  to  in- 
sinuate that  this  is  general.  Buf.  if  is  hard  in  some 
places.  I  do  not  know  that  h  is  carried  so  far  that  a 
candidate  for  an  office  will  affect  not  to  be  able  to 
write,  but  make  his  mark  ;  but  it  is  not  far  from  it ; 
for  he  will  take  care  to  have  it  known,  that  he  is  no 
scholar  ;  that  he  has  had  no  dealings  with  the  devil  in 
this  way  ;  that  he  has  kept  himself  all  his  life,  thank 
God,  free  from  the  black  art  of  letters  ;  that  he  has 
nothing  but  the  plain  light  of  nature  to  gO  by,  and 
therefore  cannot  be  a  rogue  ;  that  as  for  learned  men 
that  have  sold  themselves  to  the  devil,  they  may  go 
to  their  purchaser  ;  he  will  have  nothing  to  do  with 
old  nick  or  his  agents.  This  is  not  just  the  language 
used;  but  il  is  the  spirit  of  it.  It  may  be  a  caricature, 
as  we  distort  features  to  mark  deformity  more  deform- 
ed. But  vhe  picture  is  not  without  some  original  of 
this  drawing.  To  speak  figuratively,  as  we  say  of 
fevers,  it  may  be  in  low  grounds,  and  about  marshes 
that  we  have  the  indisposition  ;  that  is,  in  the  secluded 
jiarts  of  the  country.     But  so  it  is  that  it  does  exist.. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  Id5 

It  is  true,  the  savages  of  our  frontier  country,  and 
elsewhere,  dispense  with  the  use  of  letters ;  and  at  a 
treaty,  Canajohalas  and  other  chiefs  make  their  marks. 
They  are  able  counsellors,  and  bloody  warriors,  not- 
withstanding^. The  Little  Turtle  defeated  General 
St.  Clair,  who  is  a  man  of  genius,  and  literary  educa- 
tion ;  and  yet  the  Little  Turtle  can  neither  read  nor 
write,  any  more  than  a  wild  turkey  ;  or  a  water  tara- 
pin.  But  let  it  be  considered,  that  the  deliberations 
of  the  council-house,  at  the  Miami  towns,  embrace 
but  simple  objects;  and  a  man  may  throw  a  tomliawk, 
that  holds  a  pen,  but  very  aukwardly.  So  that  there 
is  nothing  to  be  inferred  from  this,  candidly  speaking. 
I  grant  that  Charlemagne,  made  his  mark,  by  dippiii^j 
his  hand  in  ink,  and  placing  it  upon  the  parchment. 
It  was  his  hand,  no  doubt ;  but  it  must  have  taken  up 
a  large  portion  of  the  vellum  ;  and  it  would  have 
saved  expence,  if  he  could  have  signed  himself,  in  a 
smaller  character.  But  what  may  pass,  in  an  illite- 
rate age,  with  an  emperor,  will  not  be  so  well  received 
in  a  more  enlightened  period,  and  in  the  case  of  a 
common  person. 

It  is  not  the  want  of  learning  that  I  consider  as  a 
detect  ;  but  the  contrmfit  of  it.  A  man  oj  strong  mind 
may  do  without  it ;  but  he  ought  not  to  undervalue  the 
assistance  of  it,  in  those  who  have  but  moderate  parts 
to  depend  upon.  It  is  a  bad  lesson  to  young  people  ; 
who  had  better  take  a  lesson  from  their  books.  At 
any  rate,  it  is  good  to  have  the  thing  mixed  ;  here  a 
scholar  and  there  an  illiterate  person  ;  that  the  hon- 
esty of  the  one  may  correct  the  craft  of  the  other. 

How  comes  it  that  a  lawyer  in  this  state  seems  to 
be  considered  as  a  limb  of  satan  ?  There  is  a  great 
prejudice  against  them.  It  would  seem  to  me  that  it 
is  carried  to  an  extreme.  An  advertisement  appear- 
ed some  years  ago  in  a  Philadelphia  newspaper  of  a 


166  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

ship  just  arrived  with  indented  servants  ;  tradesrfien 
of  all  descriptions  ;  carpenters,  joiners,  and  sawyers, 
Tlie  error  of  the  press  had  made  it  laivyers.  It  gave 
a  general  alarm  ;  for  the  people  thought,  we  had 
enough  of  them  in  this  country  already. 

But  if  we  have  lawyers  at  all ;  it  is  certainly  an 
advantage  to  have  them  well  educated.  Were  it  for 
nothing  else  but  the  credit  of  the  thing,  I  should  like 
to  see  an  enlightened,  and  liberal  bar  in  a  country. 
It  is  thought  that  learning  makes  them  make  long 
speeches.  IF  that  should  be  made  appear;  I  bar  learn- 
ing ;  for  I  like  brevity :  with  Shakespeare,  I  think  it 
"  the  soul  of  wit." 

I  attribute  the  making  long  sfieeches,,  to  the  taking 
long  notes.  When  every  thing  is  taken  down,  every 
thing  must  be  answered,  though  it  is  not  worth  the 
answering.  This  draws  replies  long  into  the  night ; 
and  we  labour  under  the  disadvantage  of  not  having 
woolsacks  to  sleep  upon  as  they  have  in  England, 
while  the  council  are  fatiguing  themselves ;  or  at 
least  the  juries. 

The  prejudice  against  lawyers  stands  upon  the 
ground  witti  the  prejudice  against  learning.  The  ma- 
jority are  not  lawyers.,  or  learned  men.  A  justice  of 
the  peace  is  a  deadly  foe  to  a  lawyer;  for  wliat  the  one 
loses,  the  other  gets.  The  chancery  jurisdiction  of 
a  justice;  is  hewn  out  of  the  jurisdiction  of  tiie  Courts 
of  law,  and  abridges  tlie  provmce  of  the  lawyer.  It  is 
well  if  it  does  not  edge  out  the  trial  by  jury.  How  \ 
This  mode  of  trial  is  retained  by  the  courts  of  law. 
But  who  are  at  the  bottom  of  tiiis  hostility  to  the 
courts  of  law.  I  will  not  say  the  holy  army  of  justices  ; 
though  some  may  break  a  spear  at  it.  I  believe  there 
are  of  them,  that  think  their  jurisdiction  is  sufficiently 
encreased  ;  but  there  are  others  who  wuuld  not  objects 
to  a  little  mtre. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  167 

in  China  there  are  no  courts  of  law  or  lawyers  ; 
all  justices  of  the  peace.  They  call  them  Mandarins, 
In  capital  cases,  there  is  an  appeal  to  the  emperor. 
There  is  no  jury  trial  there. 

A  limb  of  the  law,  is  a  good  name  for  a  lawyer  ; 
for  we  say  a  limb  of  Satan  ;  and  a  lawyer  in  a/ree 
country  is  the  next  thing  to  it  :  a  thorn  in  the  flesh  to 
buffet  the  beople.  There  is  freedom  enough  in  the 
constitution  ;  why  need  we  be  afraid  of  aristocracy  in 
practice  ?  Every  man  is  brought  up  to  the  bull-ring 
In  a  court  of  law,  be  he  rich  or  poor;  but  the  scheriff, 
in  Arabia,  whois  a  justice  of  the  peace  ;  not  like  our 
sheriff  here,  though  it  is  spelt  the  same  nearly,  can 
sum?7ions  no  jury  ;  at  least  he  takes  care  not  to  do  it. 
But  the  governments  of  those  countries,  are  arbitrary, 
not  free.  It  is  an  astonishing  thing  to  me,  that  a/ree 
gov  eminent  y  and  the  exclusion  oj"  laivyers^  cannot  well 
be  teronciled. 

How  can  the  overthrow  of  a  judiciary  tribunal,  af- 
fect liberty  ?  No  otherwise  than  as  it  militates  against 
a  branch  of  the  government.  Take  away  a  branch 
from  a  tree,  and  the  shade  is  reduced.  What  is  a 
branch  that  is  boin  down  by  the  rest  ?  But  suppose 
the  judiciary  branch  goes  ;  tlie  legislative  and  execu- 
tive remain.  There  are  two  sprigs  to  the  legislative 
branch.  Which  is  strongest  ?  That  of  the  house  of 
repcresentatives.  Is  there  no  danger  of  this  out-grow- 
ing the  other  two  ?  There  is  half  a  sprig  in  the  exe- 
cutive. But  the  great  sprig  of  the  house  of  represen- 
tatives is  "  the  rod  of  Aaron  that  wUl  swallow  up  the 
other  rods."  There  is  a  talk  now  of  «'.bolishing  the  se- 
nate. That  will  be  talked  of,  unless  it  becomes  an 
enregistcring  office.  It  is  hoped  that  will  never  be. 
In  this  I  allude  not  to  any  disposition  that  has  yet 
shewn  itself  in  tlie  house  of  representatives  ;  but  to 
what  I  have  heard  broached  out  of  doors. 


a  68  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


•■         -"V 


Despotism  is  not  a  self-born  thing.  It  has  its  6i 
gin  in  Jirst  causes.  These  not  perceptible,  like  the 
gas  that  produces  the  yellow  fever.  Why  call  out 
against  the  fever  ?  It  is  the  gas  that  is  the  cause. 
Whence  sprung  the  emperor  that  now  affects  the 
French?  From  the  mountain  of  the  national  assembly. 
It  is  the  madness  of  the  people  that  makes  emperors. 
They  are  not  always  aware  when  they  are  planting 
serpents  teeth.  Reflecting  men  saw  the  emperor,  in 
the  insurrections  of  Paris;  in  the  revolutionary  tribu- 
nals ;  in  the  dominancy  of  the  clubs  ;  in  the  deporta- 
tions to  Cayenne.  Whether  it  springs  from  the  setd, 
or  grows  from  the  plant  ;  is  oviparous,  or  viviparous, 
dtsfiotism  is  not  of  a  day  -,  it  is  of  gradual  increase. 
Will  not  the  people  give  him  credit  that  can  point 
out  to  men,  luherc  a  germ  of  it  exists. 


In  what  is  hinted  at,  in  several  pages  of  the  pre- 
ceding chapter,  of  hostility  to  laws  and  a  disposition 
to  overthrow  establishments,  and  judges,  I  have  in 
view,  not  the  proceedings  of  a  public  body,  but  the 
prejudices  of  the  people.  It  is  talk  out  of  doors  that 
I  respect.  And  this  is  the  fountain  which  is  to  be 
corrected.  Representatives  must  yield  to  the  preju- 
dices of  their  constituents  even  contrary  to  their  own 
judgment.  It  is  therefore  into  this  pool  that  I  cast 
my  salt.  It  is  to  correct  these  wafers  that  I  write  this 
book.  I  have  been  in  the  legislature  myself,  and  I 
know  how  a  member  must  yield  to  clamours  at  home. 
For  it  comes  within  the  spirit  of  the  princple,  to  obey 
in^Jructions, 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  169 

In  the  song  which  I  have  put  into  the  month  of  O*- 
I)ell,  I  have  nothing  else  in  view  but  to  give  a  picture 
of  the  excess  of  the  spirit  of  reibrm.  It  is  taken  from 
the  life  ;  for  though  not  in  verse,  yet  I  have  heard 
similar  sentiments  expressed  by  the  uninformed. 


The  talk  of  abolishing  the  courts,  and  the  judge?) 
is  a  language  wliich  I  put  into  the  mouth  of  Tom  the 
Tinker;  yet  is  more  general  than  ib  imagined.  I 
am  afraid  it  may  affect  ultimately  the  democratic  in- 
terest ;  to  which  I  feel  myself  attached  ;  for  I  aver 
myself  to  be  a  democrat.  No  Perkin  VVarbtck,  or 
Lambert  Simnel  ;  but  a  genuine  Plantagenet.  Hence 
my  concern  for  their  honour  and  existence,  which  can 
alone  be  supported  by  their  wisdom,  and  the ir  justice. 

Judges  are  impeaclied,  and  violent  persons  will 
have  thern  broke  before  they  are  tried.  Dut  accusa- 
tion and  condemnation  are  not  the  same  thing.  It  is 
not  on  every  bill  that  is  found  by  a  grand  jury  that 
there  is  not  a  defence. 

,  There  is  nothing  to  be  collected  from  any  hints  of 
mme  that  I  arraign  the  justice  or  poHcy  of  the  im- 
peachment ;  much  less,  that  I  wish  to  see  it  quashed^ 
or  williClrawn.  Thave  it  only  in  \'w\v  to  arraign  pre- 
coticeived  opinions,  and  the  Jbresiaiiing  the  Jiubilc 
.jid^7rnjt. 

Sublime  is  that  tribunal  that  is  to  judge  judges. 
The  hii2,hest  judicature  of  the  body  politic,  it  pre- 
sents an  awful,  but  majestic  spectacle.  Our  senators, 
in  this  capacity  are  tlie  representatives  of  heaven.  I 
see  them  seated  on  a  mount  "  fast  by  the  throne  of 
pod  ;"  the   stream  of  justice   issuing  ut  their  right 

fjiilT  U.  VOL.  I.  P 


.t;. 


170  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

hand  ;  full  and  equal  in  its  current  ;  crystal  in  its 
fountains,  and  giving  vegetation  to  the  groves  and 
gardens  on  its  borders  :  The  stream  of  injustice  at 
their  left,  bursting  like  a  torrent  of  enflamed  naptha, 
scorching  and  consuming  all  before  it. 

It  lies  with  this  sublime  court  to  give  its  lessons  of 
impartial  justice  to  the  subordinate  judiciaries  I  re- 
joice in  this  power  ol  the  constitution.  I  shall  sub^ 
mit  to  its  decisions. 


f 


MODERN  CHIVALRY,  IfX 


CONCLUSION  OF  THIS  VOLUME. 


IT  occurs  to  me,  that  I  shall  have  all  the  law* 
yers  on  my  back ;  because  I  have  said  to  them,  as 
■\ya3  s'did  to  the  Pharisees,  '*  Use  not  vain  rcptliiions 
as  the  heathens  do:  for  they  think  they  shall  be  heard 
for  their  much  speakin-^."  By  the  bye  tlie  heathen 
"vviih  us,  that  is,  the  savages  of  North  America,  ure 
not  long  speakers.  They  call  it  a  talk,  it  is  tvm  ; 
but  it  is  raised  above  a  common  conversation.  And 
they  are  not  tedious  speakers;  short,  clear  and  pithvj 
are  the  characteristics  of  their  eloquence. 

The  heathen^^-jiVit  the  Geniiic  nations  here  meant, 
that  bordered  on  Judca  ?  or  does  it  refer  to  the  re- 
dundance of  the  Greek  and  Roman  eloquence  ?  The 
logiiaciGiis  Greek  wa^  proverbial.  When  a  lungnage 
becomes  copious,  the  spe^tkers  become  verbose. 

But  the  lawyers  vviH  say,  '^  how,  can  we  help  it  ? 
The  client  will  have  te'ik  for  his  money.  He  pur- 
chases his  plantation  by  the  acre  ;  be  sells  his  wheat 
by  the  bushel ;  or  if  a  shopkeeper  in  the  cify,  ho 
measures  tape  by  the  yardV  Omnia  deus.dedit,  says 
the  Latin  scholar,  Numero,'  mensura,  tt  pondere. 
He  will  have  quantity,  let  what  will  go  with  the  qua- 
-'y.     For  oi  that  he  is  not  a  jud^e. 


:172  MODERN  CHIVALRY.,,^ 

I  admit  it  is  difficult  to  f»et  a  man  to  understand 
that  the  cause  is  oftentimes  won,  with  judy;ment  and 
silence,  like  the  game  of  chess.  All  depends  upon 
the  move.  A  client  will  say,  you  ought  to  refund 
me  something  ;  or  take  less  than  I  promised.  You 
had  no  trouble.  Or  he  will  go  away,  and  say,  lawyer 
M'GonnicIe  took  twenty  dollars  from  me,  and  did 
not  say  a  word. 

He  was  six  hours  on  his  feet,  says  a  man  coming 
from  the  court.  This  sounds  well  and  it  looks  as  if 
the  man  was  a  great  lawyer.  So  that  self-preserva- 
tion is  at  the  bottom  of  long  speaking.  Or  is  it  in 
accommodation  to  false  opinion. 

I  admit  something  in  all  this.  An  advocate  will 
occasionally  find  himself  under  the  necessity  of  saying 
more  than  is  necessary,  in  order  to  save  appearances, 
and  to  satisfy  his  client  who  is  not  like  the  court  and 
jury,  weaiy  of  the  harangue.  But  this  is  not  the 
great  cause  of  prolixity.  It  has  a  deeper  root ;  it  is  a 
ialse  stile  of  eloquence  that  has  been  introduced,  and 
is  become  fashionable.  I  have  asked  chief  justice 
Shippcn,  if  he  could  recollect  and  trace,  the  origin 
and  progress  of  it.  Is  it  imported,  or  of  domestic 
origin  ?  He  thinks  it  was  introduced  by  John  Dickin- 
son, who  was  an  agreeable,  but  a  lengthy  speaker. 
At  nisi  prius ;  or  at  bar  in  England,  there  was  no 
such  thing  But  whether  there  is  or  not ;  is  of  no 
account.  The  thing  ought  not  to  be.  Because  it 
will  lead  to  the  loss  of  they  wry  trial. 

A  lawyer  must  say  every  thing  that  his  ingenuity 
can  suggest  on  the  subject.  The  strongest  reasons 
are  not  sufficient ;  he  must  bring  up  the  weaker.  Af- 
ter throwing  bombs,  he  must  cast  jackstones. 

There  is  more  sense  in  the  common  mind  than  is 
imagined  ;  and  close  thought  in  strong  words  will  be. 
understood,  and  a  fcv/  will  suffice. 


IRtODEJiN  CHlVALftV.  17?. 

The  iJPBffisis  state  is  said  to  excel  in  le^al  know- 
ledge ;  but  certciinly  is  behind  none  in  libtriaiiiy  of 
practice  ;  and  delicacy  in  ar-^ument.  In  p  tictice.  no 
catches,  or  as  the  common  people  call  ic,  sn.tp  jud;^--' 
ments  ;  lyin^  in  wait  at  the  dot  ket ;  makint^  surrep- 
titious entries,  and  giving  trouble  to  get  shps  set  ri^ht. 
This  the  meanest  lawyer  can  do.  A  rat  can  {^naw 
the  bowstring  of  Philoctetea.  The  drawback  in  the 
opinion  of  foreigners,  and  the  feelings  of  the  people 
here,  is  the  length  of  speeches. 

I  will  not  say  that  hence  arises  wholly  the  preju- 
dice against  lawyer's.  A  prejudice  against  the  liberal 
professions,  exists  in  all  countries  ;  or  they  are  made 
the  subjects  of  invective  from  the  occasional  abuse  of 
their  privileges.  "  Wae  unto  you  lawyers,"  is  a  scrip- 
ture expression,  and  applies  to  the  priests  among  the 
Jews  wlio  were  the  interpreters  of  tiie  law  of  Moses. 
The  physicians  of  all  countries  are  said  to  kill  people. 
And  as  to  advocates  they  get  no  quarter  in  any  coun- 
try. Wits  will  exclaim  even  without  ill  will.  Don 
Quevedo,  a  Spanish  writer,  in  his  vision  of  bell,  tells 
us,  that  he  observed  a  couple  of  men  lying  on  their 
backs  asleep  in  a  corner,  with  the  cobwebs  grown 
across  their  mouths.  He  was  told  these  were  porters, 
and  had  been  employed  in  carrying  in  lawyers,  but 
there  had  been  no  occasion  tor  their  services,  for  a 
century  past,  these  cattle  had  come  so  fast  of  them- 
selves, that  the  carriers  had  laid  themselves  up,  iii 
the  interval  of  business,  to  lake  a  nap  there. 

As  to  the  length  of  spe-iking,  how  can  it  be  helped 
in  advocates  ?  Not  by  any  act  of  the  legislature,  con- 
stitutionally, at  least  in  ciiminal  cases  ;  for  it  is  pro- 
vided by  the  constitution  that  in  crindnal  cases,  the 
party  shall  be  heard  by  himself  and  his  counsel.  But 
this  provision  was  not  meant  to  exclude  the  right  in 
civil  cases,  which  existed  at  the  common  lav/ ^  bu*- 


1 74  MODERN  CHIT ALR¥. 


because  in  capital  cases,  in  the  coui^^^WN^nminal 
jurisdiction  in  England,  counsel  was  not  dloned  to 
the  accused,  except  on  law  points,  aiisiui^  on  ilie 
trial.  In  civil  cases  the  legislature  may  change  the 
law  or  modify  it ;  but  I  am  not  able  to  say,  what  re- 
gulation by  an  act  of  the  legislature,  might  be  expe- 
dient ;  or  what  practicable  by  the  courts  themselves. 
The  safest  and  most  easy  remedy  would  be  in  the  bar 
themselves;  culiivating  a  stile  of  eloquence  of  greater 
brevity,  and  endeavouring  to  be  more  laconic  in  their 
speeches. 

They  are  not  aware  that  this  length  of  speaking 
has  become  unsurterable.  That  resentment  against 
the  bar  on  that  account,  has  been  accumuli.ting,  and 
is  now  ready  to  overwhelm  their  existence.  It  is  a 
great  cause  of  that  obloquy  against  the  proceedings 
©f  the  courts  of  justice,  wliich  is  heard  in  this  state. 
Delay  is  the  effect  j  and  delay  is  an  obstruction  of 
justice. 

But  delay  is  the  cause  of  loss  to  the  lawyer.  It  is 
a  vulgar  idea,  but  founded  in  mistake,  that  lawyera 
delay  causes  for  the  sake  of  fees.  It  is  their  interest 
to  have  speedy  trials,  as  much  as  with  merchants  to 
have  quick  returns.  It  i i  the  interest  of  the  advocates 
that  I  endeavour  to  promote,  in  suga^tsting  a  reform 
in  tlie  length  of  pleadings.  I  am  endeavouring,  in 
the  scouted  language  of  some  reasoners,  "  to  save  the 
lawyers  from  themselves."  It  is  on  tliis  principle 
that  i  attempt  to  school  them  a  little  on  the  point  of 
oratory  at  the  bar. 

Some  one  will  say,  that  I  but  affect  to  treat  them 
thus  cavalierly.  Thai  it  is  like  the  case  of  an  Indian 
in  a  skirmish,  of  which  I  have  heard,  on  the  west  of 
the  Oliio,  who  on  his  party  being  defeated,  pursued 
one  of  Ids  own  people,  wiih  his  tomhawk  lifted  up;- 
ready  to  strike,  and  was  mistviken  for  a  voiuntetr. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  .7. 

In  the  \)0l^%t  affair  seeing  him  alert,  and  pursu- 
ing, they  thought  the  one  before  him  was  in  good 
hands,  and  they  let  them  both  escape. 

To  apply  tlic  story.  It  may  be  thought  that  I  af- 
fect to  school  the  profession,  to  save  it  from  arbitra- 
tion laws,  in  the  spirit  of  what  has  been  called  the 
adjustment  bilL  I  am  not  one  of  those  with  wiiom  it 
has  been  clear,  that  the  adjustment  bill  passed  into  a 
law,  would  do  any  injury  to  lawyers.  It  might  win- 
now off  some  of  the  chaff,  but  better  corn  would  come 
to  the  mill.  I  have  no  idea  that  any  thing  can  hurt 
the  profession,  but  the  overthrow  of  liberty.  Council 
to  advise,  and  an  advocate  to  speak,  will  be  always 
wanted  where  the  laws  govern  and  not  men.  Rules  of 
property  and  contpact  in  civil  cases,  and  the  princi- 
ples of  law  in  matters  of  life,  liberty,  and  reputation, 
will  always  call  for  the  assistance  of  the  head,  and 
the  powers  of  speech,  in  a  republic. 

My  concern  in  the  case  of  innovations,  doubtless? 
meant  for  improvements,  has  been  that  the  experi- 
ment Avould  not  shew  wisdom  in  the  framers;  but,  on 
the  contrary,  discredit  the  administration  by  which 
they  had  been  introduced  ;  or,  if  tolerated,  and  ap- 
proved, would  lead  to  aristocracy,  and  despotism  in 
the  end.  This  by  gradations  insensible,  as  opiutes 
imnerve  the  constitution.  It  would  take  a  volume  to 
trace  gradatim,  how,  and  why  this  would  be  brought 
about ;  and  after  all  it  may  be  a  spectre  of  the  imagi- 
nation. Let  the  wise  determine.  Were  I  a  practising 
lawyer,  as  probably  I  may  soon  be,  I  should  appre- 
hend little  from  it  on  the  score  of  profit,  and  loss  to 
the  profession.  My  idea  is,  that  eighteen  months 
would  put  an  end  to  it,  and  it  would,  by  that  time, 
have  sowed  a  pretty  fruitful  field  of  controversy,  that 
would  last  as  many   years.     As  to  the  comtifntion^  ii 


176  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

seems  to  be  in  vain  to  talk  to  the  people  aboutit,  iv/ie^ 
it  u  171  the    vay  of  what  they  wish,  and  must  have. 

But  hinting  as  has  been  done  with  regard  to  the 
exuberance  oi  oratory  at  the  bar,  it  is  to  be  taken  sub- 
ject to  the  exception  of  cases  wiiich  cannot  be  consi* 
dercd  in  a  few  words  ;  either  where  the  facts  are 
complicated,  and  the  evidence  extensive  ;  or  where  a 
point  of  law  embraces  r.n  extensive  scope  of  argument. 
The  elucidation  in  some  cases,  must  be  drawn  from 
the  law  of  nature  ;  the  law  of  nations;  the  municipal 
law.  Statutes,  commentaries,  and  decisions  must  be 
examined  at  full  length. 

It  is  not  half  a  day,  or  a  day,  that  will  suffice  al- 
ways, to  do  justice  to  a  question.  The  court  them- 
selves will  stand  in  need  of  the  careful  preparation, 
and  the  minute  investigation  of  the  counsel.  The 
bringing  forward  lucidly,  and  arguing  a  matter  well, 
is  a  great  help  to  a  court.  It  is  doing  for  them,  what 
they  w^ould  have  to  do  for  themselves,  without  their 
assistance* — The  labour  of  the  counsel  is  the  ease  of 
the  court.  M<my  a  midnight  tiiought  is  expenckd  by 
the  laborious  lawyer,  of  which  the  coiyt  feels  the  be- 
nefit, in  the  light  which  he  throws  upon  the  subjea 
of  the  litigation.     It  is  the 

Rudis  indigestaque  moles, 

of  the  unprepared  that  wastes  the  most  time. 

It  is  the  highest  effort  of  a  strong  mind  to  con- 
dense. Having  taken  a  comprehensive  view  of  the 
whole  horizon  of  the  subject,  the  num  of  talents  col- 
lects the  principles  that  govern  and  illustrate  the  case. 
To  state  an^  press  these,  is  the  effort  of  the  great 
orator.  T^irMuce  to  generals,  and  bring  forward 
the  result. 

But  in  order  to  speak  short  upon  any  subject  » 
think  long.  Much  reflection  is  the  secret  of  all  that  is 
excellent  in  oratory.  No  man  that  speaks  just  enough^ 


,,      MODERN  ClftVALRY.  itt 

and  no  more,  ever  wearies  those  that  hear  him.  And 
that  is  enough  which  exhausts  the  subject,  before  the 
patience  of  the  auditory. 

There  is  such  a  thing  as  alarming  the  patience.  A 
speaker  branches  out  his  subject.  It  is  all  proper  that 
this  should  be  done  in  his  own  mind.  It  is  necessary 
that  he  should  have  a  system  of  argument,  and  a  cer- 
tain order  of  arrangement.  But  I  do  not  approve  of  an 
explanation  of  this.  I  remember  the  alarm  which  I 
liuve  felt  listening  to  a  speaker  in  the  pulpit,  when 
he  has  spread  out  the  table  of  his  doctrine  into  heads 
and  sections.  When  he  had  done  with  the  first,  that 
is  well,  thought  I.  But  then,  there  is  the  second 
head  ;  will  he  be  as  long  upon  that  ?  Now  if  he  had 
said,  This  point  of  doctrine  arises  from  the  text,  I 
would  have  heard  it  out  without  fore-casting  in  my 
mind  that  the  ulterior  divisions  were  to  come  yet.  It 
is  not  in  the  language  of  nature  to  have  such  compart- 
ments. It  is  well  enough  in  a  book  of  didactic  disser- 
tation. For  there  is  one  can  lay  down  the  volume, 
and  amuse  himself  otherwise  when  he  is  weary.  The 
Indian  in  his  talk  has  an  order  in  his  mind,  and  pur- 
sues it  by  the  wampum  belt,  as  the  Catholic  says  his 
prayer  by  his  beads.  It  is  not  the  secret  ol  persua- 
sion, which  does  not  steal  upon  the  heart ;  and  what- 
ever the  effect  in  matters  of  the  judgment,  may  be  the 
annunciation  of  method  ;  it  is  unfavourable  fo  all  that 
interests  the  heart,  and  governs  the  imagination.  You 
will  see  no  such  thing  in  Demosthenes  or  Ciirnm. 
Cicf-ro  has  something  of  it,  but  1  always  thought  it  a 
blenush.     Ars  est  celare  artem. 

There  is  no  such  thing  in  the  works  of  nature. 
Artificial  f4;aidens  sometimes  present  that  view,  but 
these  are  not  in  the  best  taste. 

The  hills  and  mountains,  vales,  and  extensive  plains 
are  dispersed  witli  a  beautiful  variety.     The  st«rfa  of 


17%  MODERN  CHIVALRY.    .,^ 

the  heavens  are  not  at  marked  distances.  There  ra  a 
concealed  regularity,  order  and  proportion  in  all  that 
affects.  The  mind  remains  cold  where  there  is 
nothing  that  surprises  and  comes  unexpectedly 
upon  it. 


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BdD   eV  THE   FIKST   VOlVUk. 


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